Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday disappointment

101 replies

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 29/12/2019 21:42

Now who do you tell when your own DH upsets and disappointments you so much. I have family and friends but I never say negative things about my husband with my family it's because I don't want them worrying about me and with friends it's because I am well embarrassed.
It was my birthday today, my H knows how precious I am about my birthday, call me childish but I am. It's only our third year of marriage and 4th of my birthdays together and he got me nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a card from our baby. I'm so upset and can't hide my disappointment.
We argue often about our baby and routines what I feed him etc but I thought all this was normal. He keeps asking what's wrong. Because I'm struggling to keep a brave face. I'm just so shocked.
He "apparently" did have something planned for us but because we had lunch with my family for my bday he didn't want to go out again.
I'm only know starting to realise I'm falling out of love with him, maybe I have already.
Another thing which upsets me is no one in his family ever wishes me happy bday. And I know they obviously don't know when it is or don't care but on his bday I tell all my family to txt him.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/12/2019 23:02

He sounds worse with each post.

Cryalot2 · 29/12/2019 23:05

Sorry things are not going great . A happy birthday Flowers
Take time to decide what you want, but don't stay unless you really want to.

plumpmom · 29/12/2019 23:10

Oh wow. He’s really checked out of your relationship. Be warned. This was me 10 years ago and I did nothing about it. Get out now. I didn’t and I bitterly regret it. It started like this and his disrespect just kept ramping up. I wish I’d got out back then. I’d have a whole new life now. Its too late for me, my life is over but it’s not too late for you. For gods sake listen to your gut. Being treated like this is not ok. It’s not ok.

B0bbin · 29/12/2019 23:14

That's thoughtless of him. A card and small present wouldn't have been difficult.
Have a chat with someone close about this. Don't be embarrassed to tell family. They love you and it's him who should be embarrassed
Flowers

Charm23 · 29/12/2019 23:15

@blissfullyignorantorinpain Sorry to hear how thoughtless your DH has been on your birthday. There really is no excuse. Even if he had forgotten he should have done his utmost to quickly pop out, grab a card and a bunch of flowers from the nearest shop!
I know some couples have different ways of doing things/some people have a mutual agreement not to bother too much with celebrations, but it sounds like this isn't the case with you guys and on this occasion he's done to him being selfish and uncaring.

Do you think you could have an open and honest conversation with him about it? If my DH did this to me I would be a bit heartbroken and I'd need an honest explanation. I wouldn't dream of completing ignoring DHs birthday and if I did happen to forget I would feel so, so awful and would have to be truthful and make it up to him somehow.

Congrats on the baby btw. I'm due our first baby next month and my birthday a few weeks after my EDD so that'll be interesting. I'll probably be so sleep deprived I'll be the one forgetting my own birthday haha!

Charm23 · 29/12/2019 23:17

*it's down to him being selfish and uncaring

ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2019 23:22

Happy birthday Thanks

I know that this will sound awful, but he’s given you the best birthday present ever; he’s shown you who he is. If you want to leave (which I think you should) then you can do so with a clear conscience.

Jenasaurus · 29/12/2019 23:22

Have you asked him why he puts the baby in your bed and goes to the spare room? That bit stood out, its like his distancing himself from the family. I am sorry your birthday has been a disappointment.

Did he get you something nice for Christmas?

Happy Birthday Flowers

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 23:36

Happy birthday from me too Flowers.

Floydian · 29/12/2019 23:50

Sorry to read about this. Happy birthday from me. Flowers

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 09:07

@plumpmom are you sure it's too late for you? Flowers

Original poster
blissfullyignorantorinpain · 30/12/2019 18:08

This morning I had it out with him and told him how upset I was that I didn't even get a card from him or our baby. His response was to try and start another argument all the while I was crying and he told me he didn't think I'd have a "mental breakdown" just because I didn't get a card. He didn't apologise nothing. I really don't know what to do. It'll be such a shit storm if I leave him over this.

OP posts:
B0bbin · 30/12/2019 18:28

It's not just this by the sound of it... I'm sorry he's been shitFlowers

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 18:37

It'll be such a shit storm if I leave him over this.

Maybe initially, but then life will start to get better. Whereas if you stay...

Crack1ngC0medy · 30/12/2019 20:24

Happy birthday Cake
You deserve better

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/12/2019 22:33

FlowersCakeFlowers

olivertwistwantsmore · 31/12/2019 10:07

Happy birthday, OP!

This is how the man who is meant to love and support you above all others is behaving. It doesn't sound like he even likes you. He certainly doesn't act like he loves you. He's contemptuous, cruel, uncaring, controlling... he sounds awful.

You have tried to talk to him about how you feel and he's basically laughed at you and put you down. I'm sorry. What are you going to do now?

I'd start by telling people. If your family are already asking if things are ok, they will be worried about you. Let them help.

ThanosSavedMe · 31/12/2019 10:14

The thing is you’re not leaving him over the lack of a birthday present or card. This is the final straw and shows his total lack of thought and caring.

PanicAndRun · 31/12/2019 10:26

Stop being embarrassed to tell people. This is him being a dick and no reflection on you,especially since he changed. Friends and family will commiserate,advise and support. You need this to keep you going and hopefully leave.

It might seem like you're leaving over a card, but you're not are you? You're leaving because he's thoughtless, because of the arguments,because he's controlling, because you don't love him anymore,because you don't feel loved,because he's gaslighting you.

Any of those are good enough reasons. The lack of card is just the cherry on a shit cake.

OneDay10 · 31/12/2019 10:30

yanbu. happy belated op. I think maybe it's a good idea to tell your family. Get a bit of support. Do you have any place to go temporarily? Will he leave?

ExtraOnions · 31/12/2019 10:55

My Birthday is the 28th December .. I’ve spent a lifetime of “this gift is for Christmas and your birthday” .. people not wanting to go out, people forgetting, or getting the wrong day (my mum, my best mate, you name it). My husband also isn’t a big “birthday person”, they were never a big deal in his house when he was growing up - and he’s not the most organised of people!
We went through the same thing ... me getting upset at his lack of effort ..him not really understanding why it was important to me (we have been together 17 years and harried for 15, with a 13 year old DD), one year we did have a fall out and I think he finally understood that it was all about feeling appreciated. He’s still very last minute, but there always something .. and I get to spend te day being looked after by the two of them.
I would never have left him over it, he just needed a bit if time to understand why it was important. I also arrange to do things myself, go out with my friends for post-Christmas downtime being top o the list
Feeling appreciated is something that needs to happen all year round, not just on birthday. If he’s great the other 364 days of the year, and a bit thoughtless on your birthday, Is it worth getting that upset about? If he’s a thoughtless shit all year round, crack on

Original poster
blissfullyignorantorinpain · 29/12/2020 20:06

I can't believe I'm actually reading this post back after a full year. I don't know if anybody cares to know but my DH did the exact same this year. Completely forgot. I tried to hide how upset I was and put on a brave face as we were busy with our baby anyway. But I'm heartbroken yet again. We've had a tough year and argued more than ever, but I thought lockdown and stress was causing this and it was normal. He seems quite apologetic and embarrassed but I'm so upset and have no one to express this to.

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 29/12/2020 20:13

Make this the last birthday and find someone who deserves you Flowers

TenShortStories · 29/12/2020 20:20

Oh no, that sucks. It's not even about the gift and card, it's the recognition of you being someone special and wanting to celebrate you. That can be a nice breakfast in bed, doing all the cooking, running you a bubble bath, ordering your favourite takeaway and making it all special etc so don't let him try to paint you as materialistic for wanting a present.

If he's apologetic what was his reasoning? Just plain forgetting?

HilaryBriss · 29/12/2020 20:20

Nothing will ever change, you need to leave.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.