To ask if life will ever get better

[ComeAlive]

I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while but seem to have reached my limit today for some reason which I can’t fathom.

Bit of background, I have two children: DS4 years old and DD18 months. Love them to pieces but I just get so bloody irritated by their constant noise, chatter, the chaos, the mess, the routine of it all, the responsibility of it all, the amount of times I have to bloody repeat requests, the backchat....the list goes on..

I have a helpful DH who is very hands on at weekends and in the evenings yet I still find parenting them stressful and anger inducing. Sometimes I want to walk out but I love them so much I couldn’t do that to them.

I’m a SAHM and 4 year old is at school. 18month old is yet to start nursery/preschool. We are out and about a lot and on the outside must look like a very lucky family but I’m just so hacked off with it all. DH is not the most communicative of men which I find soul destroying some days because it makes me feel even less of value. On the plus side he is practical (will do washing/ironing/cooking etc..) and enjoys looking after the children but I find myself so pissed off with my lot. I feel like I exist for everyone else in addition to feeling so stressed a lot of the time.

I have time out on my own every week plus a few non-child activities and friends who I enjoy being around. Unfortunately useless parents and in-laws so not a great deal of adult time (meals out, night away etc) and our marriage is definitely strained because of this lack of investment in each other.

To those that have had young kiddies and come through the other end: is this me? Is this the phase? Any tips PLEASE? I don’t want to be a frustrated mother but I find myself being angry at the smallest thing now and I don’t want to create an unhappy environment in my home which would mirror my own childhood.

Was the plan always that you were going to be a SAHM?

I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old working two days a week is the only thing that keeps me sane.

Is working an option for you or do you want to be a SAHM?

Read ‘The Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin.

You can’t change other people, only yourself. You sound like you need to reframe your life.

It gets better. Hang in there. This part is usually a bit shit.

Yes @Queenofmyprinces, it was although I have found being a SAHM very difficult (esp with my first) as I previously held quite a senior role albeit it was very stressful at times hence why I saw taking some time out at home would be a good idea. How wrong I was! Never been so stressed since having my children.

Love your frankness @mbosnz, Thankyou

I have a just turned 3yo and an 11m old and I really feel this. Except with the added thing of youngest sleep still being absolutely rubbish so I often feel nauseous and dizzy on top of angry.
I have found I needed to take back something for myself, something to put my brain power into. I am laying the groundwork for setting up my own business and even the planning and working out financials is making me feel more like I have something of worth to offer the world outside of Mumming.
It is such an endless juggle though, for sure. I am also finding a lot of how I feel and act mimics how my mother was in my own childhood and it's really not something I want to pass down to my children, so I try and focus on using techniques to minimise outbursts. Reading 'How To Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids' was really great for
me and made me realise there was definitely a theme to my anger and I've come up with ways to work around my triggers. A huge one for me is mess and disorder, so I generally shove DH out the door to soft play with the children for a few hours one day at the weekend so I can restore order.
I bloody hope it gets better. But I figure it's easier now than it was even just a month ago, so we'll get there. This time of year is a bastard too- mine are climbing the walls as they're just not getting enough outside time.

It’s always difficult when they are younger like yours, my youngest is now at primary school and I still get frustrated that I get no time alone at evenings and weekends when she’s with me all the time, she loves my company so never leaves my side. But it does get better I promise you, they do learnt o entertain themselves more as they get bigger and it’s obviously easier when they are at school every day

It really does get better guys. Truly. 'This too shall pass' and a vat of wine. . .

Totally not just you! I'd almost forgotten how tough those early years can be (my youngest is now 8) but I honestly thought I wouldn't survive the preschool years at the time.

It gets easier when they go to school, then massively easier at secondary school age and my teenagers have been a breeze (fingers crossed, but they are lovely!).

Could you work part time? Even if it's not as senior as what you were doing before?

I've found working part time a real saviour. I couldn't handle being a SAHM, I think I'd go crazy. But I couldn't work full time either. Part time is the perfect balance for me.

Thankyou for comments, recommendations and support so far.

I do some volunteering twice a month for a few hours on a Saturday which I enjoy.

In terms of working during the week that’s not an option at the moment as I don’t want to put DD in a childcare setting yet. I know it might sound stupid but I feel I should give her the same experience as DS got when he was a baby/toddler. I have decided that next year I would like to get some paid work either at weekends/evenings or both as I also miss earning my own money albeit I have free reign on the joint account etc.

DD will start preschool in jan 2021 but that’s not the main issue as I see it albeit would alleviate some of the stress.

It’s good to know it gets better as some days I feel like I’m sleepwalking into depression. I wake up and think “it’s a marathon all over again”. The monotony of it all is just soul destroying

I adore my DC and went through hell to have them, but I COULDN'T be a stay at home parent for love nor money.

I work 4 days 8.30-4 in a mid range role, where I leave for the day with no further thoughts of work, but is quite involved while I'm there. I absolutely love it and think the balance is a happy one.

If you're unhappy - why can't you look at moving back into work now? DC won't know you didn't stay at home as long with your younger one.

Not everyone is into babies and young children. I found they started being interesting at about 4 and carried on improving from there onwards. You get the primary school years when they're keen to know about everything, then during secondary school they're trying to find where they fit in the world and start developing their own ideas, and that is really fun to watch.

Getting a paid Sunday or evening job sounds like a good way forward.

I will open by saying I "only" have a nearly 9 month old but I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks and I would give my right arm and both legs to stay at home and look after him until he goes to school. I'm not saying you're lucky / have it easy, just maybe once in a while think about being away from them 9-10 hours per day, every day. I'm sure once in a while would be bliss :-D

I have many nieces / nephews and I know all of their parents will also say "this too shall pass". for now.

You’d rather give both kids a depressed and unhappy mother than put youngest in nursery? Really?

Sounds like you are bored op.
Suggest part time work too.

(sorry as I know you have said you don't want to, I felt like that too, but you dont have to do it the same for each kid as long as they are being loved and cared for)

Yes I hear you OP, I too am in the eye of the storm, similar ages to you but with three. We've been very lucky in so many ways but neither of us are very happy at the moment, and our relationship suffers as a result.

I don't want to wish these years away, as they're all delightful but it is so relentless. I'm in catch 22 with work, if I went back to earning what I did it would be worth it but I can't commit to doing the hours that level would entail, but if I drop down to something more junior it's then not worth it with childcare costs. So at the moment there's no option to go back to work.

No advice, just empathy!

I remember being in your position and being reactive to all the stresses that toddlers and young children can bring (mine are 16 months apart). Then one day I had an epiphany and decided to become proactive instead. I planned for every eventuality I could think of, so always had a kind of toolkit available- both physical and emotional. It really worked and transformed me from a snarky, unhappy, resentful mother, into one who genuinely enjoyed her kids.

It’s shit. It’s boring and frustrating and repetitive and relentless and thankless and lonely. It gets better. I’m just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and my youngest is 4. My advice? Go back to work. You can never give your second (or subsequent) child exactly what you gave the older one. What they lose in some areas they mite than gain in others. I’ve got 3. Working saves my sanity. For me two days a week is the perfect balance (but I work 3 as I need the money). There have been times when I barely broke even once child care was paid for. But it was an investment in my pension, my career and my mental health.

Your reason for wanting to continue to be a SAHM isn't great to be honest. Both your children will benefit so much more from having a mother who is happy and feeling fulfilled, than from being given exactly the same experiences in life. Go find a part time job, 2 or 3 days a week, i think it will make all the difference, it did for me.

So good to hear I’m not alone in this. Feels awful wishing young lives away but I know I will be a more fulfilled person when I can get a bit more of me back when both are at school.

I hear what everyone is saying in respect of putting youngest in nursery. I will rethink that option. I tend to be less stressed when it’s one on one but when it’s two children I find my stress levels go through the roof. Both children are gorgeous and sweet in their own right but when combined it’s a bloody nightmare. They do play together very well all things considered but do compete for attention which drives me bonkers and makes me feel so out of my depth. I think it’s the lack of respite with two children. There’s always one of them needing something and no where to hide 😔

I have a 6yo and 1yo.

I got bad PND after the second, I think in part because I went ‘backwards’ - the older had got so independent at the point I had the younger that I got plunged back into drudgery and it was foul.

I also have a fully functioning husband so it wasn’t like I was expected to carry the load alone, it was the fact of it.

Looking back, 18m to 4yo was hell. Once older DS hit 4 it was fantastic and probably why I agreed to have a second child.

I have to be honest, working keeps me sane - there is no way I could be a SAHM with my depression - I’m still on tablets which I genuinely think saved my life.

If you feel you might be depressed I’d strongly suggest both tablets and going back to work.

I could have written this. I have completely lost myself in being a mum and I’m not a very good one at that. I am ratty, shouty, lazy & unmotivated. I don’t have any identity and have hidden behind my depression and used it as an excuse to not try. But my kids deserve better. So although I’m scared and don’t know how to change I’m determined to try. In 2020 my absolute mission is-

1. To start exercising outdoors. Walking first then hopefully running!
2. To start reading again. I devoured books when I was younger but have lost my way so I’ve set myself a challenge to read 52 books in 2020.
3. To clean up my family’s diet. I have fussy children and I’ve facilitated it for far too long!
4. To start learning again and hopefully start an online degree course.
5. To enjoy the last year before my youngest starts primary school.
6. To clear the junk from my home and make it ordered and minimalistic.

I’m sorry I’m not able to help you op but I feel better for writing that out.

Yes it gets easier. But sounds like you'd benefit hugely from getting back to work. Many parents female or male are not cut out to spend all their time at home with your kids.
Have you a friend who'd babysit for you?