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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if life will ever get better

95 replies

ComeAlive · 29/12/2019 21:31

I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while but seem to have reached my limit today for some reason which I can’t fathom.

Bit of background, I have two children: DS4 years old and DD18 months. Love them to pieces but I just get so bloody irritated by their constant noise, chatter, the chaos, the mess, the routine of it all, the responsibility of it all, the amount of times I have to bloody repeat requests, the backchat....the list goes on..

I have a helpful DH who is very hands on at weekends and in the evenings yet I still find parenting them stressful and anger inducing. Sometimes I want to walk out but I love them so much I couldn’t do that to them.

I’m a SAHM and 4 year old is at school. 18month old is yet to start nursery/preschool. We are out and about a lot and on the outside must look like a very lucky family but I’m just so hacked off with it all. DH is not the most communicative of men which I find soul destroying some days because it makes me feel even less of value. On the plus side he is practical (will do washing/ironing/cooking etc..) and enjoys looking after the children but I find myself so pissed off with my lot. I feel like I exist for everyone else in addition to feeling so stressed a lot of the time.

I have time out on my own every week plus a few non-child activities and friends who I enjoy being around. Unfortunately useless parents and in-laws so not a great deal of adult time (meals out, night away etc) and our marriage is definitely strained because of this lack of investment in each other.

To those that have had young kiddies and come through the other end: is this me? Is this the phase? Any tips PLEASE? I don’t want to be a frustrated mother but I find myself being angry at the smallest thing now and I don’t want to create an unhappy environment in my home which would mirror my own childhood.

OP posts:
justjuggling · 29/12/2019 23:58

Toddlers/pre school age is hard work but it will whiz by and both will be at school before you know it. To be honest, my DC are now 14 and 11, and currently I’d sell my soul to turn the clock back ten years!! Am finding teen & tween a very challenging combination!!

Blueshadow · 30/12/2019 00:01

Have a read of ‘The homemaker’ by Dorothy Canfield Fisher. It’s fiction, and written about 80 years ago, but describes your frustrations perfectly.

Frozenfan2019 · 30/12/2019 00:06

It does get easier. However I don't think you should worry too much about giving them both the same experience, it just won't happen. It can't. When DS is 4 DD will have had you there for her first few years of school so you will want to do the same for him. If you are sleepwalking into depression surely it's time to put yourself first, for their sakes.

Without knowing details.its hard to make specific suggestions. Do you have good friends who you could do a babysitting swap with or have sleepovers with? It does sound like you need to make time for your marriage too but without babysitters this is obviously tough.

How close are your friends, would it help to make more time to be with them or take up a new hobby.

I would say make changes, don't wait for things to change. Jan 2021 is a long time away if you are depressed.

Original poster
ComeAlive · 30/12/2019 00:07

@Shockers you describe me very accurately. I feel ashamed to say I do feel resentful. Even though it was my choice to stay at home, I resent how much of me has been lost in the process. Not in terms of career or money as I knew that would be the case but in terms of fulfilment, companionship, the buzz from doing a great job on something, progression..I’m a person who likes to get things done. Some days I can’t even get my DS to put his bloody coat on!

OP posts:
MaybeMaybeNotJ · 30/12/2019 00:07

If I was a SAHM I think my kids would hate me. I NEED the work life balance or I find myself in a foul mood.

MoreToEatMoreToDrink · 30/12/2019 00:13

I don’t think my situation is a million miles from you. But I found the first 18m frankly horrific for many reasons. I often used to think I’d done the wrong thing in having a child (although I wouldn’t have been without her) and it’s hard looking back on those emotions now. I was a SAHM through choice and circumstance for nearly 3 years and have recently gone back to work PT. I improved a lot from 18m when communication with DD increased but I definitely cherish our days a lot more now that I’m working, it’s made a huge difference. Last Christmas I was stressed out with all our groups being off but this year I’m going with the flow. It’s easier with her being an extra year older though. Also having one is a lot easier I’d think. She’s a v demanding 3 yo but I think things will start to settle for you soon. The tiny ones are hard work 💐

AvaSnowdrop · 30/12/2019 00:18

I hate being a mum. I truly don’t understand why anyone has a second child after experiencing the drudgery of the first one. As a society we should be more honest about how shit parenting is. When they’re born you lose your life and yourself, and the next couple of decades are a journey towards reclaiming what you already had in the first place. Anyway, at least it won’t get any worse than it is now.

Original poster
ComeAlive · 30/12/2019 00:21

They sound good ideas @Tiredsloth, I think I would benefit from some of those ideas too. Thanks

We do have a babysitter lined up but as DD’s sleep hasn’t been great and DS extends bedtime to as late as he possibly can messing about we haven’t used her yet. That needs to change although I feel selfish putting my needs first, a product of a very selfish mother when I was growing up. I can see that perhaps I’ve taken it to the other extreme 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeAlive · 30/12/2019 00:24

Thankyou for the optimism @Avasnowdrop 👍 Your comments did make me chuckle so every cloud and all that 😁

OP posts:
Catsandchardonnay · 30/12/2019 00:36

I absolutely love being a mum. But I couldn’t have been a SAHM. It wouldn’t have been good for me and it wouldn’t have been good for the kids. I worked part time and DC went to nursery 3 days a week, which they absolutely loved. Much better for everyone all round! Get a job OP.

TreacherousPissFlap · 30/12/2019 00:42

It does get better Flowers
I was not a natural mother to a young child and can totally sympathise with your feelings. However (and in marked contrast to DH who is amazing with the smaller varieties) I have enjoyed every age more as DS has aged. So something to look forward to Wink

1forAll74 · 30/12/2019 00:48

I am wondering why you decided to have any children, if you are finding it stressful.and monotonous and its wearing you out. Children are a blessing,and you should relish all the time you have with them.

lisag1969 · 30/12/2019 00:49

Maybe get a little part time job. X

zeddybrek · 30/12/2019 00:51

Hi OP

Mine are nearly 6 and 4 and my heart goes out to you, you are in what is technically known as 'the shit bit' where the youngest is with you a lot and the baby days have gone on for what seems like ages. Hang in there. It's good you get some down time but I understand how the constant noise and mess and general parenting just sometimes feels too much. Because it is too much and your patience and tolerance is tested a million times a day.

In terms of practical tips, it's ok to walk away and count to 10. Getting more sleep, could you go to bed with the kids a couple of times a week. Sorry can't think of anything. It is tough, but it will get better. x

lisag1969 · 30/12/2019 00:52

I think you should seriously think about gong back to work soon for your own sanity and using childcare. It will be more beneficial to you and your children x

Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2019 00:52

I am wondering why you decided to have any children, if you are finding it stressful.and monotonous and its wearing you out. Children are a blessing,and you should relish all the time you have with them.

Oh look - here comes someone to make us feel bad about ourselves.

Sorry we can’t all be paragons of parenthood like you, you unhelpful twat.

TiredSloth · 30/12/2019 00:59

I am wondering why you decided to have any children, if you are finding it stressful.and monotonous and its wearing you out. Children are a blessing,and you should relish all the time you have with them.

Bullshit. We all know that children are a blessing but they can also be exhausting, frustrating and rage inducing and it’s ok to admit that. Stop guilting people for talking honestly about how they’re feeling.

outtathelefteyei · 30/12/2019 01:03

@merryoldgoat not to derail a serious and infirmative thread but your comment gave me a right chuckle, great response Grin x

Cremebrule · 30/12/2019 01:13

1forAll74 What a horrid post. A lot of time with small children is stressful and monotonous. There should be more discussion and openness about that. It is never all sweetness and light. It is bloody hard work even with the well behaved ones.

TheABC · 30/12/2019 01:15

I have a 3 and 6 year old. We have just finished a long journey home this evening from relatives and the youngest went into full overtired meltdown mode.

Three years earlier, I would have been tempted to cry too. Now, me and DH compare notes and calmly ride it out.

They do get better, you get tougher (or possibly more exhausted!) about the demands and you will have a whole new arsenal of techniques by the time they are both at school.

I don't have all the answers, but going back to part-time work again was a godsend, as was a regular, child-free break for meeting friends or going to a fitness class. You need more then just a mum identity and it's not selfish to make space for it.

Bluerussian · 30/12/2019 01:25

I wasn't really happy until I went back to work part time. It was really good for me, the change was palpable.

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 30/12/2019 07:10

It gets better. Hang in there. This part is usually a bit shit.

^ this x 1,000,000.

DH and I are now retired and our adult DC have their own lives. I feel freer and happier than I have my whole life. But I was once where you are.

Two things transformed my life.

  1. Going back to work after ten years as a SAHM. If I could have my time again I would have worked P/T all the way through. My working friends' DC have grown up no different from my non-working friends' DC. SAHP is a choice but not necessarily an advantage and definitely not worth making yourself miserable for.
  1. Medication. Came to it late and after a bit of a crisis, but what a game changer. I'm on a VERY low dose but it makes all the difference and helps me keep things in proportion.

Don't worry about making changes, it will be worth it.

Mummadeeze · 30/12/2019 07:26

I have worked full time all through my DD’s life and have enjoyed every minute of the parenting bits. Because it isn’t 24/7, I look forward to the time I spend with my DD and it is treat rather than a chore. I know I only have one child which clearly makes it easier but I would also advise you going back to work earlier than planned as I think it will make the time you spend with your children more fun and exciting rather than seeming like a never ending drudgery. Sorry you are having a tough time though.

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 07:31

I feel for you. I absolutely hated most things about having small children and was a wreck for the first few years. (Mine are a lot closer in age than yours)

The good news is it really really does get better. There is still shit but it's different and hopefully you'll find something to do work-wise or volunteering if you don't want to be a SAHM.

Hang in there.

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 07:33

oh just saw @1forAll74's comment.
Blimey. If you'd been near me in my lowest time and said that you'd still be reeling from the tongue lashing.
Not helpful or supportive at all. What's the purpose of a post like that?

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