To ask if life will ever get better

[ComeAlive]

I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while but seem to have reached my limit today for some reason which I can’t fathom.

Bit of background, I have two children: DS4 years old and DD18 months. Love them to pieces but I just get so bloody irritated by their constant noise, chatter, the chaos, the mess, the routine of it all, the responsibility of it all, the amount of times I have to bloody repeat requests, the backchat....the list goes on..

I have a helpful DH who is very hands on at weekends and in the evenings yet I still find parenting them stressful and anger inducing. Sometimes I want to walk out but I love them so much I couldn’t do that to them.

I’m a SAHM and 4 year old is at school. 18month old is yet to start nursery/preschool. We are out and about a lot and on the outside must look like a very lucky family but I’m just so hacked off with it all. DH is not the most communicative of men which I find soul destroying some days because it makes me feel even less of value. On the plus side he is practical (will do washing/ironing/cooking etc..) and enjoys looking after the children but I find myself so pissed off with my lot. I feel like I exist for everyone else in addition to feeling so stressed a lot of the time.

I have time out on my own every week plus a few non-child activities and friends who I enjoy being around. Unfortunately useless parents and in-laws so not a great deal of adult time (meals out, night away etc) and our marriage is definitely strained because of this lack of investment in each other.

To those that have had young kiddies and come through the other end: is this me? Is this the phase? Any tips PLEASE? I don’t want to be a frustrated mother but I find myself being angry at the smallest thing now and I don’t want to create an unhappy environment in my home which would mirror my own childhood.

I agree with others. I would go to the ends of the Earth for my three, but I was very grateful for the time to be myself once free childcare hours kicked in for each of them! It’s very easy to lose ‘you’. A part time job with grown ups around you will do your mental health wonders!

OP, I say this with great respect and kindness, but are you really going to give your younger one the same experience as the older if you are at home and hating it? Might they not get a better you if you are happier and really enjoy the time you do have with them? If you got a part-time job - even just a couple of half days or days a week, you would probably enjoy the time they are with you much more.
This time is precious but not if it is making you miserable. And it definitely does get better, by the way, but life is too short to spend it feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

I have been a SAHM for 15 years. It really isn't for everyone. It is relentless, mind numbing and scream inducing a lot of the time, especially when you have so much responsibility for them (feeding, dressing, nappy changing or bottom wiping). Mine are now 16 and 13 and are an absolute joy to be around.

But you cannot give DC2 the same as DC1, it isn't possible because you have DC1. So I would definitely look into some childcare even if it is just a couple of mornings a week.

As Ds1 was used to being in a nursery part time due to me working to begin with we kept him in for a day when I became a SAHM until he went to pre-school nursery at 3. Ds2 was different as he was a poorly child so he started a play school at 2 for 2 mornings a week for 2 hours.

Your sanity is more important than recreating what you had with DC1.

Also we had a playroom which meant all toys lived in there and the lounge was toy free at the end of the day. Good storage is key.

I know you said sleeping was an issue at the moment for the children so go out in the day on a weekend. Get the baby sitter to look after your children then and you and your Dh spend some time together. You need to see it as an investment for the future of your relationship with him. Even if it is just for a walk, a coffee, whatever, you need to do it.

I tried to make life easier by batch cooking, so I made 3 of something, we ate one for dinner and froze the other two. Slow cooker was amazing too. I tried to remember that the actions of the children were not a deliberate let's piss Mum off ploy but merely children being chidlren. When I could feel my temper rising I would imagine a camera crew filming me and would work out what I would want to portray to the world. My own childhood was a bit chaotic to say the least so I worked on not repeating that.

But hang on in there. It does get better. I understand the losing your identity part, you are still you, it isn't reliant on a job or a status.

@TreeSwayer what a lovely and helpful post x

Might you be happier working part time? At the tail end of maternity leave I really started to feel just as you say you do, and I was dreading going back but really it is good. I get to be clean for more than half an hour, eat and drink without interruption, use my brain to do specific difficult complicated things and have my work valued, have adult conversation, chat with colleagues, and crucially - miss my little bean.

I definitely find it easier as the house is cleaner because we're all not in there messing it up all the time so it feels less Groundhog Day, also I actively look forward to spending time with him and so find it easier, rather than that internal sigh feeling you have when you're shattered, halfway through the dishwasher and they've just woken up from a nap... May not be for you, but perhaps you could try it out?

I'd say also that we use a childminder rather than a nursery which DS loves - he's settled really well there as he bonded really well with the childminder and has a lovely time as part of a little gang, vs a lot of my friends who had much more trouble during the settling period and some of them still don't overly like nursery. Just my experience but perhaps something to consider.

And totally agree with pp about the batch cooking - total game changer. Check out the batch lady on YouTube and have a look at the fb group Batch Cooking Made Simple.

@burntpinky aww thanks. I think my situation is a bit different as I didn't plan on being a SAHM and I am technically disabled (chronic fatigue) so I would struggle to work even part time. I volunteer and it wipes me out so I have never had another choice other than being a SAHM.

@ComeAlive I think sometimes just hearing that this is completely normal to feel overwhelmed with responsibility and noise makes you feel better. There are too many mummy blogs where they make it look like it is some kind of Disney movie and that maybe the case for a teeny number of people but for the vast majority of us we are just keeping our heads above water.

It truly does get better. Toddlers are chaotic, demanding, and consume your time. My nephew is 2. He is lovely but I am glad to leave their house

Time with your Dh is important, otherwise divorce happens and you end up doing this shit all by yourself. You have already recognised that. Also I read somewhere about someone being married for a ridiculous amount of time and they were asked what their secret was and he said,

the perfect acceptance of an imperfect person.

I think he is right. Dh and I have been married for 20 years. That man cannot make a decision, you can talk about something for 20 minutes but at the end you I have to say so do you think we should do X then? Because I need him to say yes or no otherwise the subject gets left hanging. But I know he finds it hard to make decisions. So I short list everything and he chooses but ultimately we have both chosen. He accepts that I am disabled.

I wish I’d worked more when they were pre schoolers and cleared the mortgage faster to be there when they got in from school in the teenage years. That’s when they really need you

Thankyou @TreeSwayer, you sound a very wise lady! I do feel better knowing that there are/have been lots of mums in this same boat. I’ve read and re-read this thread countless times today and it’s helping me accept that sometimes my needs have to come first. I like the idea of getting a daytime baby sitter, that definitely solves one important problem. I’m also going to see if one of my friends will look after DD for a couple of hours one morning. I keep hearing about the importance of exercise in reducing stress and I need to help myself.
I find mealtimes very challenging as 18 month old is constantly at my feet whilst I make dinner so will get out my old slow cooker to make that easier all round. I do some batch cooking already from time to time and it’s very useful so will up my game on that one too.

@paintedfences, yes x3 to the sigh from them waking up early from their nap. Whilst I love the space that the nap gives me I cannot wait until they end so I’m not confined to the house nor planning my day around them. I might regret saying that but I think I will feel like a bird released.

Thankyou everyone

@ComeAlive (I think you may have name changed as there is no link to you below but hopefully you will look at this again) I second The Batch Lady and any dump meal for the slow cooker. YouTube has lots of inspiration too.

Your wellbeing is paramount, putting yourself first is not being selfish it is being smart. I didn't have any family help due to family just being too far away but a daytime babysitter or someone to look after your child for a few hours is bliss. Do not feel guilty about this.

I used a playpen for Ds2 which Ds1 would get into with him when I was cooking, I was right next to them but my legs were free of limpet child. Then when they got a bit older the playpen (BabyDan) could be used as a room separator which I then sectioned off the kitchen so I could cook or iron without them being able to get to me physically.

I have been on MN for about 13 years, as I have been a SAHM for that time I have come to realise I don't need to justify myself to anyone, other Mums in the playground or strangers, so I put my children in childcare when I needed to. Nobody died. Stop feeling bad, your children will remember the most ridiculous things not all the stuff you did with them. My friend went on holiday to a stunning location in the South of France, what did the kids love most? The caravan! Not the food, or the endless fun things they did but the caravan.

I’m still here @TreeSwayer. Thankyou 👍

I haven't read all the posts OP, but just wanted to say that I don't think it's easy any way you do it. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old. Took a year of mat leave with both. When I went back to work after the second, we had a horrendous 6 months - she was at nursery 2 days per week and with GPs the other two, and just constantly got ill. She was in hospital with pneumonia at one point. Even when she was well the nursery days were too long for her and I struggled to get my work done. The older one was not settled at school and would be clinging to my legs as I tried to leave in the morning. I'm not saying that I regret going back to work, just to show that we all go through difficult periods whether SAHM or working.

Things are much much better now, and I just wanted to say that if you did want to go back to work, don't be scared of putting your youngest into nursery. My 2 year old no longer gets ill all the time and loves nursery. In fact, both DC got a lot out of it from 2 years on. DD was asking me this week of she could go to nursery.

One thing I noticed in your OP, is that you actually get regular time to yourself on the weekend. I find this extremely difficult to do. I work 4 days per week, so the weekends are always busy with any chores we need to do, swimming lesson for the older one and possibly a birthday party or playdate. I always feel bad for the younger one as often we don't have much time left to do anything special for her aside from maybe a quick trip to the local playground. Finding time for myself - forget it. I never get to go clothes shopping and just about manage to squeeze in a haircut every few months. I imagine many working parents are the same as they have to balance spending time with kids, extra curricular activities, chores and time for themselves on the weekends.

Sounds like you might need to make an appointment with your GP because I don't think feeling like you are is normal. You have your dh's support, you get time to yourself, etc.

I agree with others that getting back to work will probably help, but a lot of what you describe is normal life with young children... and grandparents are not obliged to help you with the dc or look after them.

I have two DC, one in primary school and one toddler. I continually swing between being so full of love for them my heart could burst and being so frustrated with them that I want to run away and start a new life where nobody knows me. I knew having kids wouldn't be easy but I didn't realise how draining I would find the mess, the noise, the whingeing and the endless repetition. I found going from 1 to 2 DC incredibly tough, probably because life had started to seem less of a slog and then we went back to square one again. There were definitely moments in the first year of both DC's lives where I thought "what have I done?" and wondered whether I would make different choices if it was possible to turn back the clock. Then, of course, there's the crushing guilt that follows those moments because we're supposed to feel "blessed" and to "cherish" these early years, aren't we? With DC1 everything seemed to get easier from 3yo onwards so I'm hoping when youngest reaches three the fog will lift a bit.

I thought I wanted to be a SAHM but I didn't even last a year. Being at home full time almost drove me mad (in a very real sense) so while juggling work, kids and house stuff is exhausting at times, for me it's definitely worth it. I love my job. It can be stressful sometimes, but it's mine. I know who I am when I'm at work, whereas when I was at home I seemed to lose myself completely.

My new years resolution is going to be taking more time for myself. I know it's pretty selfish as resolutions go but I think it's necessary. DH is brilliant when he's here but works long hours in the week (unavoidable unfortunately) and weekends are busy with swimming lessons, chores, homework, other DC's birthday parties etc so it's not easy for me to get a break. I need to start making the time though.

First of all: yes, life will change, and when it does you'll adjust really rapidly and 'forget' it was ever like this. I bloody hated the pre-school years even though I adored my toddlers. They were super cute, funny, clever, inventive and we had great fun together but it was endless and I never had a break or adult company. Uninterested Grandparents plus one child with complex ill-health that needed special attention to keep him well. I was so drained. We never had time as a couple. Never went away together for the weekend until they were 8 years old. I don't recommend this.

My life started again when they both were school age. If I had my time again, I'd work harder at getting it back earlier.

Can you ask close friends to look after them for one night? A single night away is so refreshing. And get a babysitter once a week, so you can go out and do things together. (Not dinner. At dinner you just stare, knackered, at each other and talk about the children.) Go to gigs and comedy shows or the theatre or go to a climbing wall or a talk on a subject you both love, or a sports match. Shared, interesting experiences give you a marriage back.

There are 19 months between my 2 DC, they are young adults now. I found the pre-school years really bloody hard work, you could not pay me enough to do it again. It does gradually get easier as they get older though, especially once they start school. If I were you I'd look into returning to work, even part time. I felt so much better when I did, just after my youngest started at nursery.

Thanks for the ideas @milliefiori on nights out. We really could do with some shared experiences which are not children related. We both love our music so that’s a great idea rather than long, awkward silences over a dinner table as we get back into the throes of being ‘us’ again. Our marriage has definitely been on the back burner these last few years and as I have morphed into this anxious, ratty and irritated easily individual It definitely needs some TLC ASAP.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery, DS also became easier at 3 years old so I’m hoping that will be another turning point for us with DD. She’s not walking yet which is causing immense frustration for her and as her older brother is so capable at so many things she’s a ball of screeches and whines at the moment.

Thankyou everyone for sharing your thoughts, ideas and experiences.

@TiredSloth
:O :O
Your 2020 list is so similar to mine!!!

Re nights out, could you start a babysitting swap circle over WhatsApp or similar with some friends? My NCT group do it and it's great, I did a thurs night sitting on Ls sofa and watching Netflix while she and her dh went out for a few drinks and some food and then she did the same for me. Was just nice to know if in the unlikely event of dc waking up before 12 that he'd know my friend and it wouldn't be someone he didn't know too.

Ah the pre-walking screeching, I know it well! A wooden brick trolley blew ds' little mind once he had the hang of it. Also loved pushing his teddy around on it.

@paintedfences that’s a good suggestion. I’ve made a lovely friend at DS school, I could ask her if she’d be up for it. I think it’s been so long since we last did anything just us two that I’m overly nervous about it. Just need to crack on with it.