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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if life will ever get better

95 replies

ComeAlive · 29/12/2019 21:31

I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while but seem to have reached my limit today for some reason which I can’t fathom.

Bit of background, I have two children: DS4 years old and DD18 months. Love them to pieces but I just get so bloody irritated by their constant noise, chatter, the chaos, the mess, the routine of it all, the responsibility of it all, the amount of times I have to bloody repeat requests, the backchat....the list goes on..

I have a helpful DH who is very hands on at weekends and in the evenings yet I still find parenting them stressful and anger inducing. Sometimes I want to walk out but I love them so much I couldn’t do that to them.

I’m a SAHM and 4 year old is at school. 18month old is yet to start nursery/preschool. We are out and about a lot and on the outside must look like a very lucky family but I’m just so hacked off with it all. DH is not the most communicative of men which I find soul destroying some days because it makes me feel even less of value. On the plus side he is practical (will do washing/ironing/cooking etc..) and enjoys looking after the children but I find myself so pissed off with my lot. I feel like I exist for everyone else in addition to feeling so stressed a lot of the time.

I have time out on my own every week plus a few non-child activities and friends who I enjoy being around. Unfortunately useless parents and in-laws so not a great deal of adult time (meals out, night away etc) and our marriage is definitely strained because of this lack of investment in each other.

To those that have had young kiddies and come through the other end: is this me? Is this the phase? Any tips PLEASE? I don’t want to be a frustrated mother but I find myself being angry at the smallest thing now and I don’t want to create an unhappy environment in my home which would mirror my own childhood.

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 30/12/2019 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Obligatorync · 30/12/2019 07:41

Oh gosh yes it gets easier! When my friends with younger children come over now I'm utterly exhausted by it. Mine are now 10, 10 and 6 and it's completely different.

PoppyFleur · 30/12/2019 07:47

OP - did you enjoy your job? You mentioned that at times it was very stressful so you thought having time out would be a good idea. I'm just wondering if you have switched one stress for another?

Be kind to yourself, being a SAHP is hard. Young children are hardwork. However, if you can, try to examine some of your choices. Did you become a SAHP to get away from work stress? Is parenting guilt driving your decisions to remain at home?

It's ok to put yourself first, a happy person is a better parent.

Bromleymum4 · 30/12/2019 07:54

I hear you OP mine are similar ages and its bloody hard. We have a fabulous CM who has them 3 days a week while I work and it is just so nice doing something for me those days. Overall As a family we are only about £60 a month better off after paying for childcare but my DC and I both benefit from it & its keeping a foot in the door. I really enjoy my job though so that helps. I have found our complete lack of routine over xmas hard going over xmas so I dont think that helps . Hang on in there x

DreamsOfWaves · 30/12/2019 08:03

@1forAll74 I think it would be a blessing for everyone here if you fucked right off.

Insideimsprinting · 30/12/2019 08:15

I'm just trying to think back what it was like, mine are now 10 and 12. I remember finding having young kids in my life really hard, I hated loosing the ability to just do what I want when I wanted, I hated seeing other people cope better. I hated it more when I found out that it had all been a lie and they were struggling too.
I have to think hard though to remember which does suggest it passes and you move on from it.
I do think that in the long term it did me good though. I'm more resilient and adaptable than before, I enjoy what time I have to myself and treasure it. I'm propably less selfish and single minded. All because I had to change to accommodate others so hey ho suppose looking back it was worth it.
Mind I never felt I lost myself being a mum, I was always still there. I suppose it just forces you to take a closer look at who you are, what's important to you, and your best and worst bits of yourself! 😁

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/12/2019 08:23

Oh hush @1forAll74 that's not how life works.

It does get easier OP. I did not enjoy the baby and toddler age of my DS and I freely admit that. I was also a SAHM until he started school.

Life is SO much nicer now, I work school hours and he goes to school so I get a break and I appreciate the time I have with him so much more. He's 6 and a half now and even him being able to do the little things himself - brush his own teeth, get himself dressed - make life much easier.

If you think going back to work is what you need to do, go for it.

MerryDeath · 30/12/2019 08:31

you should go back to work 100%. not FT that would be shit too.. just anything. i will never be at home FT my family would not thank me!

Fcukthisshit · 30/12/2019 08:41

Do you have a room available that you can set up as a playroom? I literally can’t stand mess that everyone in the house creates - it makes me feel really low. Keeping the mess contained to smaller areas help me feel like I’m keeping on top of it.

We sacrificed the dining room and made it into a playroom, which means at the very least my lounge is always tidy so at the end of the day (while I’m eating dinner off my knee) I’m sitting in a room that’s not a shit tip and the playroom is so much easier to keep tidy! Lots of storage and (most) of the toys in one room - so 15 mins max to put everything away, have a quick hoover and wipe the kids table and chairs down.

Kittykat93 · 30/12/2019 08:48

This is why I'm only having the one child! He's two now and I just know i couldn't ever go through this ever again!

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/12/2019 09:05

I too think you need to work part-time. I found that having a better balance made the days I was with my DC so much more enjoyable.
We were lucky to find an experienced nanny looking for part-time work, which meant DD & DS could be at home with her. She is also happy to babysit in the evening for us too.

Original poster

ComeAlive · 30/12/2019 09:17

Thanks everyone for your useful advice.

All hail @1ForAll74, I found your advice and experience the most useful.😁

In answer to the question about my previous job, yes I did enjoy a lot of it. It was in the legal field and I enjoyed advising people and the Board on strategy as well as developing my team amongst other things. I thought long and hard about leaving to start a family. Looking back now I think I should have kept one foot in the door. 5 years on and I would need to retrain to get back in unless I took an entry level role which I will also consider.

Thanks everyone for the buoying comments. So good to hear from others who have come out the other side.

We are considering an extension to make a playroom but at the moment that’s on hold- another stressor albeit short term pain for long term gain.

OP posts:

Linetogilly · 30/12/2019 09:17

I have a absolute respect for you to be a SAHM. I have two children, 20 months and 3 yrs 10 months and although I miss them like hell when I am at work, I really wanted to have it all. I reduced my hours at work so find that it works best for us as I get a good balance. Hang in there, it will get better.

JustDanceAddict · 30/12/2019 09:29

That’s took me right back to the early years, although my gap is smaller. I didn’t go back to work until youngest started school and even then it was tough with childcare in hols etc.
Mine are mid-late teens now and it’s completely different. You’re there for the kids, but it’s not relentless drudgery, you can leave them on their own and don’t our own thing etc. Their mess is more or less confined to their rooms!

BoxedWine · 30/12/2019 09:33

It's just bloody tough at this age. Relentlessly hard work. You're in the trenches. I think however you arrange work and childcare at this age, it's never going to be anything other than a slog, but would agree you'd benefit from returning to the workplace. I understand the point about childcare, we were lucky to be able to not use nursery until we felt each child was ready and would benefit, but you balance that against other pros and cons.

And you're never going to give your children the exact same experience anyway. One has always had a sibling, one hasn't, one had you to themself for a while, one didn't, they'll be different ages when they start school etc.

Booberella9 · 30/12/2019 09:38

Stick the 18m in pre school asap! Get back into work/training. No shame in admitting this isn't what you want!

Obligatorync · 30/12/2019 09:38

I have to admit that when mine were younger I often found work a useful break!

PanicAndRun · 30/12/2019 09:42

I'll just say this... it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. It's ok not to be super mum sometimes. It's ok to just do the bare minimum sometimes. It's ok to have the telly on for half a day sometimes. It's ok to leave him without a coat and just take it with you sometimes. It's ok to say fuck it and just have cereal for dinner sometimes. It's ok to prioritise and choose your battles (I'd actually say it's necessary) sometimes.

The world won't implode. The kids won't be permanently scarred. No one will die. They'll still love you.

absolutelyknackeredcow · 30/12/2019 10:02

Senior part timer here. I still work long hours but it is restricted to three days a week. I think if I was a SAHM I would have gone mad.
You are in the horrific bit- my youngest was a really bad sleeper until 4 and it completely dominated everything. Now 6 and 9 we are in the nice bit before we hit the teens!
Hang in there - it does get better - my relationship with DH has defo gone through peaks and troughs but we have been very close for last few years.
Also one bit of advice - it's impossible to be completely fair through out their life so don't make yourself miserable by staying with your youngest to give them equal time. If you are happier that will show more on your child

OceanSunFish · 30/12/2019 10:18

Another poster suggesting that you look into work options - no rush, but just to find out what's out there.

I was the same as you - stressful job pre kids, then a SAHM when they were little. It's hard to predict how tedious and repetitive small kids can be, however much you love them! Now the kids are a bit older and I'm back at work part time. I feel so happy and fulfilled.

Youcouldbemysilversprings · 30/12/2019 10:19

It will get easier again, I promise. I felt like you 4 years ago, it all felt so pointless, my life was just stress and mess and guilt. My children are 5 and 8 now and I honestly can say I enjoy them so much, they can entertain themselves and eachother, they are so much fun, we play board games, go for walks, have so much fun on holiday, even say to day, they can tidy their bedrooms, my house is neat and tidy again, they can dress themselves, get themselves snacks and drinks, the 5 year old can be demanding in his own way but in general my life now is unrecognisable to the despair I felt a few short years ago.
Big hugs, I know exactly how you're feeling and I promise it will get better

madnessitellyou · 30/12/2019 10:37

I hear you op. This bit is a real slog.

Mine are 12 and 9 now and our house is still noisy, messy and slightly chaotic at times. I’m permanently shattered and we haven’t been out as a couple at night for years. We’ve never left them overnight: simply no childcare. We both take a day off work from time to time and have a nice lunch somewhere/see a film/go for a walk etc.

Anyway, watching my children grow is an absolute pleasure. Sure, my 12 year old is getting in teen practice early, but I revel in watching her develop. I cried when she left primary school, not because I was sad she was growing up - as a lot of others seemed to me - but because I was overwhelmed with pride. My 9 year old is very different but I’m excited to see her journey, too.

Nine/ten years ago I’d look at older dc and wonder how on earth the parents got there. I couldn’t imagine a life beyond nappies, CBeebies and toddler tantrums.

burntpinky · 30/12/2019 11:23

This was me yesterday. And I only have 1 (15 months). I adore him but he was having massive tantrums all day yesterday and I’d just had a very stressful Christmas with my (poorly and elderly) parents. Then my MIL came round and wouldn’t go. I just felt like running away. To just have some time for myself. All I wanted to do was slob on the sofa with chocolates and a box set. The only day we have had (and will have) to ourselves as a family was 28th Dec - rest are either having to be with relatives (which is stressful) or working. I was a right mess yesterday. So I do hope it gets better!

QuietCrotchgoblins · 30/12/2019 12:09

4yo and 2.5yo here, it is relentless at times, although lots easier now eldest at school and 2yo just potty trained and more independent. I am lucky to work 3 days a week in the role I had pre children. I think I may have gone insane being a sahp, despite me sometimes thinking it would be easier than working. That comes with its own stresses but I think its the right balance for now. Book in a babysitter if your parent/ in laws aren't helpful. It's an investment in your relationship

Original poster

ComeAlive · 30/12/2019 17:01

Thankyou very much for all the advice, experience and support. It is much appreciated and good to know it’s only a phase, albeit a bloody difficult one. Lots of food for thought for me, Thankyou 💐

OP posts:

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