To feel upset that DH went through my phone whilst I had surgery

[NCWinterBelle]

Had major elective surgery just before Christmas, DH accompanied me in to hospital and was allowed to wait in my hospital room whilst I was in theatre for many hours. Family were anxiously waiting to hear from me/DH after the surgery, so I’d promised to be in touch with everyone as soon as I woke up. When I came round, I’d already had a WhatsApp message from my DM who was upset that I had been ‘online’ but not messaged her to let her know I was ok.... she’d sent the message about me being online whilst I was still in theatre. I told DH about the message and asked him if he’d been on my phone during my surgery, to which he totally denied. He finally admitted the next day that he had in fact looked at my phone, but claimed it was purely to look at the photos on my camera roll of our honeymoon last year and had accidentally clicked on my WhatsApp.

Ive caught him looking through my phone before, a couple of years ago. He found historic WhatsApp messages from guys I’d been dating before we met and accused me of still being interested in talking to them because I had not proactively gone through and deleted all of the old chats (none of which had been during mine and DH’s relationship). DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress. I’ve told DH that these so called jokes make me feel very uncomfortable and clearly there is a serious undertone to his constant comments which make me feel as though he doesn’t trust me. In response I’m told to lighten up and not take him so seriously as he’s just joking and trusts me 100%. But the comments don’t stop and now he’s been through my phone again. We’ve been married a year and together for 6 years, I’ve never given him any reason not to trust me.

AIBU in feeling like DH clearly has serious trust issues and to feel very upset that whilst I was having major surgery, all DH could think about was using the opportunity to nose through my phone?!

YANBU! Gosh I'd feel so betrayed, he did that when you were in the most vulnerable possible position. Plus you'd never have known if it wasn't for that whatsapp online thing. Why is he so jealous?! How unsettling

That is unpleasant, and in my experience someone whose mind keeps "going there" and making accusations - it's often because they are doing it themselves.

Add a password to your phone so he can't do it again.

What a dick. Definitely put a password on it.

I’d be livid like you. Have nothing to hide but a personal phone is private.

Lots don’t seem to care though and plenty on MN snoop on partners phones.

Yanbu and I bet it was on his mind that this would be his perfect opportunity to look. Premeditated imo

Disgusting

Yet if you were at all suspicious of your DH even if you had nothing more than an uncomfortable feeling because he had to work away, standard MN advice is trust your gut and search his phone. Personally I think it is wrong and I would be furious but it appears to be acceptable for a female to do it to a male partner but controlling and abusive the other way around .

I'd put a password on your phone, but that doesn't address the underlying issues at play here.

So often "trust issues" are used as a get out of jail free card for people who are completely controlling and unreasonably paranoid. I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone like that as long term, it will be exhausting having to constantly massage his ego and defend yourself against the various accusations that you've been eyeing up other men...

In your shoes I would give him a one-time ultimatum; he goes and gets therapy for his "trust issues" and gets it sorted, or you divorce.

Ridiculous behaviour from your dp, I would be seriously thinking about whether I wanted to stay with a man who clearly didn't trust me.

Me and dp do know each other's passcode for our phones. This is really because sometimes the driver will ask the passenger to sort out music or to text someone if we are late. May use each others phone if out of battery etc, normal couple stuff. I have never once snooped through his messages and he hasn't mine, it is not normal or okay to do this imo.

So often "trust issues" are used as a get out of jail free card for people who are completely controlling and unreasonably paranoid. I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone like that as long term, it will be exhausting having to constantly massage his ego and defend yourself against the various accusations that you've been eyeing up other men...

This with bells on, speaking from experience. If you let incidents like this go unchallenged, OP, his behaviour could well start to creep into ever more unreasonable, boundary-crossing territory. Put a hard stop on it right now.

He's protesting too much. He's guilty about something and wanted to feel jusitified in whatever behaviour it was so went snooping. Ask to see his phone straight away and see what his reaction is.

YANBU, me and DH feel free to look through each other's phone but it's only ever to find something specific (i.e. a mutual friend's message to say when we were meeting, or a photo he mentioned someone sent him I was interested in). In your case it sounds like he was snooping out of distrust and that would seriously annoy me.

DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress.

That’s deeply unpleasant and worrying. Telling you he’s joking is even worse as he’s making you doubt yourself.

Have you ever suspected him of cheating? His accusations reek of projection.

Lock your phone. He is rude!

@AnneLovesGilbert I’ve never suspected that no and I really don’t see how he could be, but I suppose anything is possible.

I wouldn't mind if he had admitted it when first asked. I'd have presumed he was passing time and mindlessly went through phone. However, he denied it. Why ?
Was he checking up on you ? Does he not trust you ?
Sorry, I'd be livid !

What would his reaction be to you asking to go through his phone?

This is such a violation, I wouldn’t easily be able to get past this. Yes, no one got hurt but it’s such a betrayal. Not that I have anything to hide, but why does anyone need to see every corner of your phone? Every text, random WhatsApp conversations from years ago, all of your photos etc.

Also you should have a password on your phone regardless, what it if gets stolen; someone not only has access to your device but also all your data?

My dh used to make similar occasional "jokes" and I know how uncomfortable it made me. I told him I didn't like it repeatedly but perhaps I couldn't explain why very well.. After several years together it came to a head when an ex colleague messaged me "hi" and he was suspicious (I hadn't even replied) and sulked for 2 days... I told him then that it was ridiculous and that I was ready to end the marriage over it. I said I wasn't willing to accept any more "jokes", veiled accusations or innuendo about cheating or affairs. I wrote it down and made him sign it. It hasn't happened since (about 3 yrs). I hope he took on board what I said.
In short I'd advise you to be very firm about it when you say you are insulted by his "jokes" and do not deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable. That's not how you treat someone you love and trust. Phone checking - unacceptable. You are entitled to privacy and so are your friends who may be saying something private or personal 8n msgs that they don't expect dh to see. Get a lock on phone for sure and be clear why - you can't trust him to respect your privacy.

@Rachelfromfriends1 I do have a passcode. He must have seen me enter it so many times that he knew it.

Do you have an iPhone? Could he have added his fingerprint last time he accessed your phone?

Tbh, these trust issues are simply controlling. My exh used to pull this shit all the time. I ended up walking on eggshells, not seeing friends or families because I didn't want to upset him. His controlling behaviour just got worse over the years before I realised I was in a full blown abusive relationship.

Projection.

That's all I need to say.

I’d go nuts. I wouldn’t dream of keeping secrets or stopping my dh from using my phone, but to be messing with it/going through it while I was unaware would make me lose all trust. It’s weird, it’s not secret or private, but I wouldn’t like it one bit. It’s a bit like going through his wallet-I just wouldn’t, nor would I expect him to go through my purse bag.

Yanbu. It’s especially despicable that he’s taken a time when you were vulnerable to invade your privacy. Do you plan to do anything?

Gosh OP that's crazily weird, controlling behaviour from your DH.