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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that DH went through my phone whilst I had surgery

82 replies

NCWinterBelle · 29/12/2019 19:38

Had major elective surgery just before Christmas, DH accompanied me in to hospital and was allowed to wait in my hospital room whilst I was in theatre for many hours. Family were anxiously waiting to hear from me/DH after the surgery, so I’d promised to be in touch with everyone as soon as I woke up. When I came round, I’d already had a WhatsApp message from my DM who was upset that I had been ‘online’ but not messaged her to let her know I was ok.... she’d sent the message about me being online whilst I was still in theatre. I told DH about the message and asked him if he’d been on my phone during my surgery, to which he totally denied. He finally admitted the next day that he had in fact looked at my phone, but claimed it was purely to look at the photos on my camera roll of our honeymoon last year and had accidentally clicked on my WhatsApp.

Ive caught him looking through my phone before, a couple of years ago. He found historic WhatsApp messages from guys I’d been dating before we met and accused me of still being interested in talking to them because I had not proactively gone through and deleted all of the old chats (none of which had been during mine and DH’s relationship). DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress. I’ve told DH that these so called jokes make me feel very uncomfortable and clearly there is a serious undertone to his constant comments which make me feel as though he doesn’t trust me. In response I’m told to lighten up and not take him so seriously as he’s just joking and trusts me 100%. But the comments don’t stop and now he’s been through my phone again. We’ve been married a year and together for 6 years, I’ve never given him any reason not to trust me.

AIBU in feeling like DH clearly has serious trust issues and to feel very upset that whilst I was having major surgery, all DH could think about was using the opportunity to nose through my phone?!

OP posts:
Original poster
NCWinterBelle · 30/12/2019 12:05

Thank you @5outof7 your post resonates with me. I married young also and perhaps accepted his behaviour more when I was younger, but it’s really wearing me down now. I have a lot of think about Sad

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 30/12/2019 12:08

I'd have shoved that phone where the sun doesn't shine on him and then leave him and his jealous and abusive ass!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 30/12/2019 13:07

It’s funny on here how if a woman read a mans phone and he then put a passcode/changed the passcode on it the man would be accused of all sorts. Yet here we are the man reading the woman’s phone and he’s “controlling” and you are being told a woman’s phone is “private” and you need a passcode etc.

This old shite gets thrown up every time a woman talks about a controlling arse of a man. When women on Mumsnet have snooped, it’s generally because they have serious and genuine reasons to think their H/P has cheated, not just because they want to invade their privacy or are controlling. The situations are very very different, so stop trying to make the OP feel guilty because she has an irrationally jealous husband.

Motoko · 30/12/2019 13:16

Did you tell your mum what he did, the trawling your archives, not just that he was on your Whatsap?

He sounds controlling, and I think you need to rethink this relationship. You spoken to him loads of times about his "joking", yet he still does it. That means he doesn't care about how it makes you feel. A truly loving partner, would be horrified they'd made you feel like that, and would never do it again.

I think you should get rid of him.

tillytrotter1 · 30/12/2019 23:33

Typically hypocritical MN responses, why is it deemed OK for a woman to search her partner's phone, even 'accidentally'?

tillytrotter1 · 30/12/2019 23:35

This old shite gets thrown up every time a woman talks about a controlling arse of a man. When women on Mumsnet have snooped, it’s generally because they have serious and genuine reasons to think their H/P has cheated, not just because they want to invade their privacy or are controlling. The situations are very very different, so stop trying to make the OP feel guilty because she has an irrationally jealous husband.

What a prime example of the double standards prevalent on MN! Thank you for proving the point.

Arthritica · 31/12/2019 12:06

tillytrotter, it's never OK to snoop on someone's phone. Basic manners and respect.

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