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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset that DH went through my phone whilst I had surgery

82 replies

NCWinterBelle · 29/12/2019 19:38

Had major elective surgery just before Christmas, DH accompanied me in to hospital and was allowed to wait in my hospital room whilst I was in theatre for many hours. Family were anxiously waiting to hear from me/DH after the surgery, so I’d promised to be in touch with everyone as soon as I woke up. When I came round, I’d already had a WhatsApp message from my DM who was upset that I had been ‘online’ but not messaged her to let her know I was ok.... she’d sent the message about me being online whilst I was still in theatre. I told DH about the message and asked him if he’d been on my phone during my surgery, to which he totally denied. He finally admitted the next day that he had in fact looked at my phone, but claimed it was purely to look at the photos on my camera roll of our honeymoon last year and had accidentally clicked on my WhatsApp.

Ive caught him looking through my phone before, a couple of years ago. He found historic WhatsApp messages from guys I’d been dating before we met and accused me of still being interested in talking to them because I had not proactively gone through and deleted all of the old chats (none of which had been during mine and DH’s relationship). DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress. I’ve told DH that these so called jokes make me feel very uncomfortable and clearly there is a serious undertone to his constant comments which make me feel as though he doesn’t trust me. In response I’m told to lighten up and not take him so seriously as he’s just joking and trusts me 100%. But the comments don’t stop and now he’s been through my phone again. We’ve been married a year and together for 6 years, I’ve never given him any reason not to trust me.

AIBU in feeling like DH clearly has serious trust issues and to feel very upset that whilst I was having major surgery, all DH could think about was using the opportunity to nose through my phone?!

OP posts:

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 10:25

I don't understand the protectiveness about phones on MN. I don't care if DH looks through mine or vice versa. The only bf I had who was very protective of his phone, was cheating. So from my pov, if a partner was very secretive about their phone, I'd wonder what they were hiding.

ChocolateTeapots1 · 30/12/2019 10:32

It’s funny on here how if a woman read a mans phone and he then put a passcode/changed the passcode on it the man would be accused of all sorts. Yet here we are the man reading the woman’s phone and he’s “controlling” and you are being told a woman’s phone is “private” and you need a passcode etc.

If you’ve nothing to hide I don’t see why you’d be bothered. If my husband wants to read my phone and messages he can and vice versa. I go into my husband’s phone to look at the pics he’s taken of our kids, he doesn’t go mad as he’s no reason to. Same with my devices he can read and see everything.

GabsAlot · 30/12/2019 10:34

Its not so much the phone thing-its the secrecy and lieing and accusations-Op has asked him to stop but he carries on saying its just a joke

well the jokes wearing thin

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 10:34

i have WhatsApp convos involving me and my DM or me and my DCs where we discuss birthday/Christmas presents for my DH. I don't want him seeing that.

I don't have anything to hide, and he doesn't either, but some things are just... meh.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 30/12/2019 10:36

He is totally giving himself away on something.

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2019 10:36

He found historic WhatsApp messages from guys I’d been dating before we met

What he did was wrong and a violation of your privacy, but I am curious as to why you would keep old messages from ex boyfriends. Why would you not delete them? Most people do. I am not justifying his behaviour BTW.

DH and I have the same passcode on our phones and have no secrets on them (except around Christmas and birthdays)

FamilyOfAliens · 30/12/2019 10:37

So from my pov, if a partner was very secretive about their phone, I'd wonder what they were hiding.

If someone is suspicious of their partner wanting a degree of privacy and some boundaries in their life, it would be that person who has the problem, not the partner.

I can’t bear it when people In a couple say they share everything.

Original poster

NCWinterBelle · 30/12/2019 10:43

@Ginfordinner I hadn’t made a conscious effort to keep the messages, I just hadn’t ever bothered to delete them. I’d archived away the old messages around 5 years ago when I met DH and as such, had forgotten they were even still there in my ‘archived’ WhatsApp from years ago.

OP posts:

TeaForTara · 30/12/2019 10:45

The accusations / jealousy is verging on controlling behaviour as I'm sure you are policing yourself as a consequence of it. Personally I wouldn't be upset if my DH went through my phone as we are very open with things like that but, if he knows it would upset you, then he is totally out of order.

However, the main problem I would have is that when you asked about it, HE LIED TO YOUR FACE. He snooped and then blatantly denied it. That is a huge red flag. Huge. What else has he lied about? How can you trust him about anything?

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2019 10:46

I can’t bear it when people In a couple say they share everything

Why? I rarely look at DH's phone, and he rarely looks at mine because we both know that there would be nothing to concerned about. So, in that respect, we don't share everything, but we both know that we can look at each others phones because we trust each other.

Anyone who is very protective of their phones probably does have something to hide IMO.

curiouslypacific · 30/12/2019 10:57

Accusing someone constantly of cheating is nasty. It's not joking if the target is made to feel upset/uncomfortable repeatedly and has asked for it to stop, it's bullying. The phone thing is just another symptom of his entitlement and disrespect.

A good but insecure guy would see that he was hurting his wife and try to deal with his issues. An abusive prick would deny he had any issues and continue upsetting and controlling his wife by dismissing her feelings and carrying on putting her down with nasty unpleasant jokes.

This isn't just about whether it's ok to read your spouse's phone, it's about a pattern of behaviour that doesn't lead anywhere good.

NearlyGranny · 30/12/2019 10:57

So he went right into your archives, OP? Wow, he was having a good old snoop while you were out cold under the knife. That's not nice.

And he lied about it, so he didn't see it as normal and harmless at all, did he?

And he got upset and possessive about ancient messages from before you met which you had totally forgotten about! Strike three...

Phones are not secret but they are private. If a partner ever wants to look, they should ask first, say why and have the phone's owner unlock without sharing the code or password. Thumbprints are best, I reckon.

It doesn't matter a tap which way round - m or f, it's disrespectful and intrusive and it smack of entitled ideas around ownership. If we have 'nothing to hide', why don't we leave the lights on and the curtains open for the whole world to watch? Because we're private creatures.

Anyone living with a partner who demands 'access all areas' and acts as though they have the right to it is living with the thought police.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 11:05

Family I didn't say we shared everything. I said we aren't protective about phones. That doesn't mean we go through each other's. I can't remember the last time DH touched my phone or I touched his. We don't need to.

PleaseNoFortnite · 30/12/2019 11:13

I wouldn't be particularly bothered if DH wanted to go through my phone messages - most are pretty boring, and like you I don't have anything to hide. If he asked me anytime he could read through them.

I would be very concerned about the way your DH did it though - waiting until you were having surgery, and very obviously doing it to try to catch you out.

That would be a big red flag saying he really really doesn't trust you, and I'd be having serious and possibly relationship ending talks with him about that.

cordelia16 · 30/12/2019 11:13

I think maybe you need to escalate the situation...he clearly doesn't respect you enough to believe that these "jokes" make you uncomfortable. Tell him that the next time he does it you'll go stay with friends (or something similar). Shake him up and let him know that you're serious when you say you don't like it.

That's what I did years and years ago when I was in a serious relationship (he's now my DH). That was before mobile phones, so snooping part not relevant. but it was like a PP said - "jokes" about why I was all dressed up and who was I meeting, was I really out with who I said I was, etc. It was so draining. And really so unattractive in a partner. I told him that if he joked again I was gone from the relationship. He "joked" again. And I ended it.

When we finally got back together (after several weeks and lots of conversations), he apologised for how he had been and acknowledged how awful it must have been for me. He promised to never joke like that again... and he hasn't. We've been together for 20 years.

Don't let him dictate this behavior.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2019 11:14

I don't want anyone reading the private conversations I have with my DC or my friends.

No-one else's business.

My phone is available for other people to use but I'd be very pissed off if they started reading messages or going through my browsing history.

And doing it when you're unaware and then lying about it? Big wavy Red Flags. At best he's nosy and untrusting and at worst he's controlling.

He needs to stop.

Billben · 30/12/2019 11:23

His initial lying about it is what would make me not trust him again.

UnfamousPoster · 30/12/2019 11:30

I have literally nothing on my phone that I feel I need to hide from my DP. We do know each other's passcodes (though he forgets mine regularly) but we don't as a habit use each others phones. I had to unlock his recently and I didn't like it, even though I was doing it on his request. It's a bit like looking through someone else's handbag or post - it's just not the done thing.

With our more relaxed attitude to each other's phones I wouldn't be bothered if my DP had accessed my phone while I was in an op, but the lying about it afterwards and constant comments about cheating are where I would focus my anger.

I think I'd be telling him that he clearly has trust issues and that if he doesn't resolve them he can find somewhere else to live. And in the meantime, make comments every time he even vaguely mentions anything. "Change the bloody record" or give him a fixed number of opportunities to do it again before you contact a divorce lawyer: "5 more chances", "4 more chances". And "accidentally" leave a family lawyer's contact details lying around, or even better, on your phone!

Or show him this thread?!

Elieza · 30/12/2019 11:33

He waited until you were at your most vulnerable and then did something he knew was bad and lied about it to cover it up. He knew it wasn’t acceptable or he’d have told you.

Disgusting.

If you aren’t having much sex and he is horny, in my experience men think women are as horny as them so he’s thinking where are you getting the sex from, so it follows he snoops as you must be having an affair....

In my experience this means HE is either having an affair himself or using porn or prostitutes, any of which will satisfy his sexual needs so he presumes you will be doing that too as you must be soooo horny (as he is) and ‘need’ some relief (as he does).

A convo is required. His constant joking isn’t acceptable. If he can’t stop you may need to consider if you can put up with it or if it’s a dealbreaker. Same with whatever he is using to satisfy his needs.

NannySusan · 30/12/2019 11:41

I don't think he has trust issues, particularly if most of your free time is spent together. It's not like you have a weekly girls night out with friends who are single and on the pull.
I think he has control issues. He can't bear for you to have interactions that he is not privy to.
After his actions when you were at your most vulnerable I would have serious concerns about your marriage.
Also, make sure your Mum and the rest of your family and friends know why it looked like you were online while you were unconscious.
See how normal/acceptable they think it is.

dottiedodah · 30/12/2019 11:46

Are you much younger than him or very pretty ? This does not make it right obviously ,but may explain his insecurity.Is he a good husband in other ways .I would spell out to him that you have nothing to hide ,and need trust in a relationship.As someone said make him sign a declaration if need be or go to see a Counsellor over his trust issues (needs to get over them!)

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2019 11:51

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?
I also think he is 'projecting'.
Why is he so paranoid about it??? Because he has done it and he is judging you by his own standards.
I'd throw it back at him every single time.
Reverse it and say that he must be cheating as he is accusing you so you can only assume that it's projection on his part.
But.... if there are no kids then this is a real no-brainer!!!

Original poster

NCWinterBelle · 30/12/2019 11:52

@dottiedodah I’m 10 years younger than DH. I’m attractive but so is DH. His friends used to joke to him about me being out of his league when we first met, though.

OP posts:

nowayhose · 30/12/2019 11:54

I'd go batshit if my DH went through my phone. I've got absolutely zilch interest in going through DH's phone either.

Trust HAS to be at the heart of every relationship, but it doesn't sound like your DH trusts you at all I'm afraid. :(

If he can't trust you then I'm afraid there really is no hope for your marriage. You need to tell him so, and that his actions speak volumes about his low expectations of you :(

5outof7 · 30/12/2019 12:01

My ExH behaved like this. He read all my messages, found out my (old) MN user name and read all my posts, and read through my browser history. This was alongside the 'jokes' about cheating and the faux puzzlement about why I'd changed my profile picture on FB or something, asking who it was I fancied and again 'jokingly' accusing me of being full of myself.

I married young and tolerated it for many years but it wore me down in the end. I honestly don't think he ever cheated, I don't think he was trying to mask anything, I think he was just that insecure and controlling.

To this day he still would say he did nothing wrong, and that if I didn't have anything to hide then I wouldn't be bothered. As it was I had absolutely nothing to hide but that still doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my privacy.

OP I'd think long and hard about whether this is a life you want to live. I know some people are prepared to tolerate certain behaviours but for me it felt so oppressive I resented his restrictions so much in the end.

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