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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset that DH went through my phone whilst I had surgery

82 replies

NCWinterBelle · 29/12/2019 19:38

Had major elective surgery just before Christmas, DH accompanied me in to hospital and was allowed to wait in my hospital room whilst I was in theatre for many hours. Family were anxiously waiting to hear from me/DH after the surgery, so I’d promised to be in touch with everyone as soon as I woke up. When I came round, I’d already had a WhatsApp message from my DM who was upset that I had been ‘online’ but not messaged her to let her know I was ok.... she’d sent the message about me being online whilst I was still in theatre. I told DH about the message and asked him if he’d been on my phone during my surgery, to which he totally denied. He finally admitted the next day that he had in fact looked at my phone, but claimed it was purely to look at the photos on my camera roll of our honeymoon last year and had accidentally clicked on my WhatsApp.

Ive caught him looking through my phone before, a couple of years ago. He found historic WhatsApp messages from guys I’d been dating before we met and accused me of still being interested in talking to them because I had not proactively gone through and deleted all of the old chats (none of which had been during mine and DH’s relationship). DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress. I’ve told DH that these so called jokes make me feel very uncomfortable and clearly there is a serious undertone to his constant comments which make me feel as though he doesn’t trust me. In response I’m told to lighten up and not take him so seriously as he’s just joking and trusts me 100%. But the comments don’t stop and now he’s been through my phone again. We’ve been married a year and together for 6 years, I’ve never given him any reason not to trust me.

AIBU in feeling like DH clearly has serious trust issues and to feel very upset that whilst I was having major surgery, all DH could think about was using the opportunity to nose through my phone?!

OP posts:

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/12/2019 22:30

Well l wouldn't be bothered about DH going through my phone, but you aren't happy about it and that's all that matters really.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/12/2019 22:31

DH will also constantly ‘joke’ about me cheating such as when I had to travel away for work recently and he jokingly said that he reckoned I was actually meeting up with a new man, or when I had my hair done differently or have changed my social media profile photo he will ask who I’m looking to impress. I’ve told DH that these so called jokes make me feel very uncomfortable and clearly there is a serious undertone to his constant comments which make me feel as though he doesn’t trust me. In response I’m told to lighten up and not take him so seriously as he’s just joking and trusts me 100%

I know the word gaslight is overused at times but I honestly believe that's what this kind of behaviour is; he's essentially trying to 'guilt' you into behaving a certain way. It's not ok, you've challenged him and you get told to "lighten up" because it's definitely ok to gaslight someone so long as you put "lol" at the end and pretend it's a joke.

He doesn't sound a particularly nice person. If he's insecure, that's his problem to deal with. If he's unsure of your commitment to him, that's his problem to deal with. If he's just a knob with no trust, that's his problem. None of this is on you. So he either changes or he breaks your relationship, because being ground down like this isn't good for your soul.

bernt79 · 29/12/2019 22:42

Many people seem to think it is projection and he is probably cheating. However, I thought I would give you a different perspective. I was cheated on by a girlfriend once and I never saw it coming. I am now happily married but the experience has left me with serious insecurity issues (that my wife doesn't know about). If my wife goes off for the day to a spa or goes out for the night with her friends I will often start thinking is she really where she says she is. I know its crazy and I have no reason to doubt my wife. But sometimes I just can't help myself, my mind just starts running through all the possibilities. My wife knows nothing of this because I know it is irrational, so I never share this with her. I also make sure i never see her type in her pin or password because I can't trust myself. I know if I knew her PIN and her phone was left unattended I would be so tempted to peak. Which I am well aware is a massive invasion of privacy. Therefore I make sure I can't access her phone etc. Anyway, my point is it could just be you DH just feels really insecure and talking to him about his insecurity my help him.

Duchessofealing · 30/12/2019 08:05

@bernt79 I think you should tell your wife and tell her you know you are irrational - and definitely tell her you can’t trust yourself to know her phone code. It will help her understand you better.

JingsMahBucket · 30/12/2019 08:14

YANBU @NCWinterBelle. And thank your mother for letting you know. If she hadn’t mistakenly taken you to task you wouldn’t have known any of this. She’s done you a huge favour.

Arthritica · 30/12/2019 08:21

There’s another thread at the moment where a woman snooped on her partner’s phone and some people excused it - madness!

It’s rude, disrespectful and bloody weird.
Going on your phone to read Twitter or play a game while he was bored would be excusable. Having a nose at your messages and photos is awful.

Littlemissdaredevil · 30/12/2019 08:27

If you have an iPhone get it set up with fingerprint recognition so he can’t snoop.

Ask to look at his phone. I bet he won’t let you!

CoxwellHuge · 30/12/2019 08:27

My exh was like that, we were together almost 23 years, married for 17. It absolutely wears you down the 'joking' about cheating and trying to impress other men. He also checked my phone on a regular basis and even though I had nothing to hide it really upset me that he felt the need and the entitlement to do it.

I missed out on loads of girls nights and weekends away over the years as the hassle and accusations just wasn't worth it. I worked in a male dominated environment but always had to be careful not to mention any one name too much so always used to just use the term 'one of the boys'.

I felt like I spent most of my time walking one eggshells so as not to upset him and eventually forgot who I really was.

My advice would be to leave, it doesn't get better no matter how much you talk about it and reassure, in my case it just got worse.

OceanSunFish · 30/12/2019 08:31

I wouldn't mind him looking at my phone, but the jokes about cheating would be a deal breaker for me.

Ollypollydolly · 30/12/2019 08:33

YANBU. He took advantage of your vulnerability because of his own issues. Definitely YANBU

Treacletoots · 30/12/2019 08:34

Paranoid or projection, its one of the two.

I've been chested on in the past and it didn't make me paranoid though, I was angry, and kicked his ass out but I didn't take that forward into other relationships.

I also have a good friend who was quite the cheater with all his gfs but at the same time completely paranoid they were cheating on him...

My money would be on projection.

Treacletoots · 30/12/2019 08:34

Chested!!!! Brilliant autocorrect

staydazzling · 30/12/2019 08:36

the fact you were at your most vulnerable and he thought 'wahey ill go through her phone' now, not concern or anything else, is bloody terrible, and lying about it?? that in itself, i would struggle to forgive. please confront him on it OP, don't settle for this.

PonderTweek · 30/12/2019 08:49

I would be livid. No one goes near my phone, not because I have something to hide, but because it's mine and what I have on mine is no one's business. I think a frank discussion about his insecurities would be in order. He might not know how much this is affecting you. Or, if he doesn't care you might want to think about whether he is the one for you.

My husband had been cheated on in the past and was badly hurt, which made him paranoid. I got the jokes about me cheating and the like, and I took it for a while but then realised that I was constantly feeling guilty for something that I hadn't done. In the end I told him and he apologised and the jokes stopped, which was a relief.

bernt79 · 30/12/2019 09:03

@Duchessofealing one day I probably will tell her. I just don't want her to miss out or be different around me because of my insecurity. I don't want her to not go out with her friends because it makes me feel insecure. Unlike the OP I never make jokes about where she has been or if she is dressing up for someone etc. I never say anything about it to my wife. However, seeing some of the posts on here doesn't make me want to tell her.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2019 09:06

He's either a cheat himself (likely, people expect their own behaviours from others) or a jealous controller, or both.

Original poster

NCWinterBelle · 30/12/2019 09:24

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately we’ve had countless conversations about his ‘jokes’ in the past. Each time after explaining how uncomfortable it makes me he promises he’ll stop, but after a week or so he’s reverted back to it. Once he even snatched my phone out of my hands as I was texting and pretended to be shocked as he read the text on my phone. Of course this was covered up by him laughing and passing the phone back to me and telling me it was just a joke. It’s all getting too much

OP posts:

GreenGrove · 30/12/2019 09:25

Ask him outright to look at his phone!!

blubelle7 · 30/12/2019 09:31

Are you sure he is not having an affair himself? Some people project their behaviour onto others and then you find out a tne time he was the one doing what he was accusing you of.

maddening · 30/12/2019 09:40

Yeah I would be checking his phone tbh

Original poster

NCWinterBelle · 30/12/2019 09:44

I’m not saying it’s not possible but I’ve never suspected him of cheating. I’m not sure where he’d find the time even, as almost all of our spare time is spent together either just the two of us or socialising with our shared friends. The only thing that makes me suspicious is his suspicions of me! I’ve tried to talk to DH about his trust issues to get to the bottom of what is causing it, but he strongly denies that he has any trust issues at all, so we get nowhere.

OP posts:

Whoops75 · 30/12/2019 09:52

His projection could be about deceit not necessarily an affair, maybe porn or escorts.

He is definitely acting like someone with a secret who thinks everyone has a secret too.

lowlandLucky · 30/12/2019 09:56

Ask to look at his phone right now. I bet he wouldnt allow you to look because he is as guilty as hell and has something to hide.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/12/2019 10:03

So, presumably he found nothing whatsoever incriminating on your phone and that will reassure him and he'll stop making these 'jokes'? Or will he carry on latching onto harmless remarks and photo likes because it feeds some part of his paranoia?

He is so out of order. I bet, having found nothing on your phone, he is only days away from accusing you of having a second phone...

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 10:24

look at his phone. Don't know the password? ask him. Be blatent.
And then change your password and don't let him see what it is.

And yes, your mum deserves thanks.

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