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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let me DPs family look after our kids

106 replies

An0nym0us2011 · 29/12/2019 16:23

Me and DP getting married in a few weeks, only us & witnesses. Because of his family.

They smoke weed around the kids, have ago & are ridicule me for not giving them pop ( coke, Dr pepper etc) and chocolate because they're 2 and the other 9 months.
Like always drop comments like, "well when I get to look after you and your mums not about I'm gonna give you all that kinda stuff"...

They taught another family child to say things like "daddy is a dickhead" and to roll cigs.

I'm talking every single family member is like this.

My mum is my only family and she's away in Florida.
Iv suggested we get hire a baby sitter (obviously meetings prior) and DP is refusing and said we can just give the kids to his family.
This means over night at our house. However they're incapable of giving proper meals, so both children wouldn't be fed properly. E.g. just a packet of crisps and some toast.

I might sound like I'm over reacting but they're literally the family from hell.

aibu? Do I just give in? They've never had in supervised contact

OP posts:

Original poster

An0nym0us2011 · 29/12/2019 18:11

We're more then happy to take the kids home & just have quiet night in, it's probably what we will do. We'd of just liked night to ourselves because as you can imagine that never happens and it'd of been nice to just have our wedding night to do something nice for us.

We are not bad parents and DP is nothing like his family & distances himself from them, we even moved away to get away from them.

He just didn't want to have his kids left with a random person.

We've discussed it and just going to try get a last minute holiday & leave that night and go away as a family

OP posts:

Popfan · 29/12/2019 18:11

So OP what are you going to do?
You asked and have been given an overwhelming no to leaving your children with them (whether at your house or theirs it's still an insane thing to do)

Popfan · 29/12/2019 18:11

Cross post. V relieved

SmudgeButt · 29/12/2019 18:12

While I feel that lots of parents are massively overprotective I do think there are some limits.

Ok so my mom fed her vegetarian grandchildren burgers from McD's. They didn't mind and were old enough at the time (10&12?) to have an opinion.

I do wonder if the in laws are just trying to wind you up and DP knows that. If not I'd say dump the lot and ensure his parents etc never have unsupervised access.

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 18:12

Such bullshit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2019 18:15

We planned our wedding around being able to have my step children there, a split level room in a hotel so we could share a space and have separate but close-together rooms. Didn’t take much thought or imagination. As my husband’s children they were a massive consideration and they were older than yours one of whom is a small baby! We have a 9 month old now and nothing on earth would make me even consider leaving her with people like your in laws.

I don’t get your approach here. You want to get married. You have young children. It’s not going to be the same as getting married when you don’t have dependents. You should have planned to have them with you all day and night or sorted decent childcare before committing to anything. Come on, just be sensible about this.

Owwlie · 29/12/2019 18:18

Doesn’t help with the overnight issue but have you asked if the registry office will allow the children to be there?

I had a registry office wedding with just two witnesses (DPs closest friends) and they allowed us to take in DD, who was 18 months at the time. They said that children that young are fine, I held her throughout the ceremony. You could do the same with your 9month old and get your 2 year old to sit on a chair with a kids camera (or a disposable) and ‘be the photographer’. We were only in there all of 20 mins so it’s not too long for them.

As for the evening, just wait to have your night out to celebrate when your moms back from her holiday?

averythinline · 29/12/2019 18:22

that sounds a great idea ... see if you can get a trip away all together... I can understand you want to do something special/different but also wouldnt leave my kids with them.....so all going somewhere even if just overnight

HannaYeah · 29/12/2019 18:24

That’s great! Then you can have a honeymoon later when people you trust with your babies are available.

Can’t imagine either of you would have been able to relax knowing they weren’t in the safest of hands, anyway.

Crunchymum · 29/12/2019 18:26

So many, many questions.

What wedding have you booked that specifies only 4 people? I know registry offices have maximum numbers but I have never heard of an 'exact number' wedding before.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 29/12/2019 18:27

Who are your witnesses OP?
Why isn't your sister one of them?

Bringonspring · 29/12/2019 18:29

Lots if reputable sites that have babysitters. We don’t have family close so have always replied on paid help.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 29/12/2019 18:34

Why don’t you just go home with the kids on the day of the wedding and then have a night away just the two of you when your mum is back from her holiday and can have the kids.

This seems like the only viable solution to me.

Thatsnotmynameisit · 29/12/2019 18:36

I think I'd either

go home that day, have a nice meal at home as a family and have a delayed 'honeymoon' when your mum is back

go away as a family that evening

But no way in hell would I ever leave them with his family, for 1 minute or 1 evening. They sound like they'd empty your house while you were away and leave the kids behind.

Original poster

An0nym0us2011 · 29/12/2019 18:40

@CherieBabySpliffUp we've not got that far 🤦 think he's going to ask his brother & his wife. My sister's 17 so not old enough to be a witness

OP posts:

CactusAndCacti · 29/12/2019 18:49

We'd of just liked night to ourselves because as you can imagine that never happens

I get that , I really do, but to put it in context DH and I have had 2 nights alone in coming up 14 years. Sometimes it is what it is. Ours is just due to circumstances (no childcare) rather than not wanting to.

Honestly they are small enough for you to still be able to get time together in the evening, we don't even get that.

Do the wedding and then have a nice day out as a family.

Whiskeylover45 · 29/12/2019 19:38

My silly said that. Later said it was a joke. I didnt let DS go over to hers after that regardless of what DP said

Whiskeylover45 · 29/12/2019 19:40

Also to say we are now NC because honestly they are the same. If DP didnt have a SIL I'd assume you were taking about them. Do not let your child round and do not feel guilty. If DP says it's fine, ask him If hes ok with x,y,a. Depending on his answer will tell you if you want this man in your life long term

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 19:48

Ask him why he doesn't want a qualified babysitter who will have references and be background checked looking after the kids. If it's just a loop of 'but they're strangers' why is family better when the family members are unpleasant people who don't look after kids properly?

Cornish2 · 29/12/2019 21:58

My sister's 17 so not old enough to be a witness

My son was our witness at 16 so unless you feel she's too young she's of legal age.

Original poster

An0nym0us2011 · 29/12/2019 23:08

@Cornish2

To not let me DPs family look after our kids

OP posts:

busybarbara · 29/12/2019 23:19

Such snobby opinions on here. Calling people “scum” because they drink fizzy drinks and swear. How middle class is this thread.

billy1966 · 29/12/2019 23:22

OP, wishing you well.

Do not leave your children with your ghastly future in laws.

Please protect them.

If you need to get married, do. Plan an away night when you have better support.

Wishing you well 💐

ooooohbetty · 30/12/2019 06:48

@busybarbara. People aren't being snobby. The in-laws of the OH want to give fizzy drinks to v small children. They teach children to swear. I'm working class and don't do either of the above and think people who do are pretty scummy.

CocoLoco87 · 30/12/2019 06:58

Mummyoflittledragon

I think you should leave them with the burglars from home alone. They’d be safer than your soon to be in laws.

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