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To stop my BIL coming over because of our cat

162 replies

Overwhelmedoverfit · 29/12/2019 08:09

So my BIL has been coming round quite frequently to see us. We have an indoor 7 month ragdoll, who is very sweet and loving but does know his own mind. He doesn't mind being picked up but will give a light nip when he wants down, doesn't hurt and usually he licks as well to show he means no harm.

My BIL has twice now picked up the cat, not put him down when the cat 'asks' and tried to punish the cat when he bit him harder and tried to scratch. At this point BIL was holding the cat and rubbing his tummy, something I don't think any cat likes, but Po didn't cause any bleeding or even marks, which I think is quite restrained!

BIL punishment is to blow in the cats face and try and hit him. I say try because I've never let him get that far, and I've let him know how disappointed we are that he considers that acceptable!

BIL doesn't listen to a word I say, says he's doing what's best for the cat cause if you let them bite they won't stop and he knows dogs and he's read about this breed. He's never owned a dog but his wife used to walk them, and they both seem under the impression that with enough punishment they can get our cat to do whatever a dog would. Which is complete BS!

I've now said he can't pick up the cat at all and when he didn't stop I suggested he doesn't come over until he can control himself. My MIL has now had a massive go at me for putting a cat above family.

AIBU? We try not to use punishment with Po cause it doesn't work and he just gets sad, and him showing he wants down and getting annoyed when he's not put down isn't anything to punish in my mind? Also my BIL is 30 so should definitely know better!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Freesunglasses · 29/12/2019 13:48

Posted before I'd done. Cats cannot be trained, this is partly why I love them and their stubborn refusal to conform.


WingingItSince1973 · 29/12/2019 13:49

I have 6 cats and not all of them like a fuss. Two of them are fussed on their terms and especially the tabby if hes had enough he just nips. Nothing major but enough to say I dont want to be touched now. So I tell guests if they want to stroke him hes very happy to but might tell you when to stop. They are all very affectionate cats but we dont have a right to fuss them constantly. They are living creatures and should be respected. I would tell him not to touch the cat. Maybe your cat can sense this person is not particularly nice to animals x

Freesunglasses · 29/12/2019 13:55

This is her. she's a stroppy lady but we love her.

To stop my BIL coming over because of our cat
GreyHare · 29/12/2019 14:08

Op, buy a water spray bottle, let bil in and tell him not to touch cat, if he touches cat spray him vigorously in the face with water, when he lets go of cat say 'good boy' and give him a pat, repeat until he gets the message not to touch the cat.

Loomed · 29/12/2019 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emmelina · 29/12/2019 14:22

I’d put the BIL in 🤣

LGY1 · 29/12/2019 14:23

We have a Ragdoll which we “rescued” from a work colleague at 6 months old.
She made a flippant remark about her husband not liking her going near the TV equipment which I believe was a bigger story and he hit her.
We have never laid a finger on Lady (now 7) but if you move too quickly she flinches.
Your BIL isn’t training her, She will just feel attacked. She will feel threatened by the behaviour, Ragdolls don’t know how to fight back, they won’t do it.
Please don’t let him pick her up again.
I really hate people who think they are better than animals - because in my experience they are people who are ***

Deathraystare · 29/12/2019 14:25

Op, buy a water spray bottle, let bil in and tell him not to touch cat, if he touches cat spray him vigorously in the face with water, when he lets go of cat say 'good boy' and give him a pat, repeat until he gets the message not to touch the cat.

Brilliant! And if he doesn't comply, shut him in the garden! Bad boy!!!

madcatladyforever · 29/12/2019 14:28

Op, buy a water spray bottle, let bil in and tell him not to touch cat, if he touches cat spray him vigorously in the face with water, when he lets go of cat say 'good boy' and give him a pat, repeat until he gets the message not to touch the cat.


Fr0g · 29/12/2019 14:37

the man is a twat.

IF you do invite him (sounds so revolting I can't imagine why you'd want to) next time he picks the cat up, grab him, start rubbing and hitting his balls (the twat, not the cat) v roughly and in front of everyone, see if he likes it.
Do it harder if he objects , bite if necessary - have mouthwash at the ready.
Shame you can't take twat to the vets to have him put down.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 29/12/2019 14:43

Cats cannot be compared to dogs, completely different animals.

Why your bil thinks its OK to hurt an animal says a lot about what an arsehole he is. So is his mother for defending him. Hopefully your cat will put a stop to him popping in. Win win OP

Freesunglasses · 29/12/2019 14:44

Some of these suggestions are making me Grin

goatbame · 29/12/2019 14:45

Annnnnd the award for mumsnet's twatiest comment of the week goes toooo ..... @Genzeee

goatbame · 29/12/2019 14:47

If somebody tried to hit my cat I'd punch them on the nose.

ILearnedItFromABook · 29/12/2019 15:08

It's incredibly disrespectful for him to pick up your cat when you've told him not to, and for that reason alone I wouldn't have him over.

I'd tell him outright that you're completely serious and that if he picks up your cat again, you won't have him back in the house.

I'd be infuriated, honestly, if any guest blatantly did something I'd specifically told them not to do in my own house, with my own pets or property.

He's thirty. He's a big boy now and doesn't need MIL fighting his battles for him. MIL can think what she wants. Sounds like it might be a relief if she were so offended she stopped coming around, too. You can visit them at their home or in some public place.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 29/12/2019 15:15

Text MiL now and say that as BIL has been so disrespectful in your home and you your pets he's no longer welcome. No arguing. No engaging.

Just No MIL

If she comes back with blah blah blah.
No MiL.

ILearnedItFromABook · 29/12/2019 15:17

Oh, and as for her claims that he knows better Hmm, you could try explaining to her that first he's no expert on dogs, having never even owned one of his own (and no, his former wife's job as a dog-walker doesn't count) second even if he were a dog expert, what you have is a C A T. Even a child knows that cats and dogs are totally different animals with different behaviours.

Or you could just roll your eyes and carefully explain that you don't care if he is an expert, you will train your own pet as you please, and it's none of BIL's concern.

What an obnoxious woman she sounds! I dread to think what life will be like if you have children. She seems the type to be a nightmare as a grandmother...

Jumpi · 29/12/2019 15:18

He’s disgusting, animal abuse is a crime.

Why would you ever think it acceptable to let him into your home?

FraglesRock · 29/12/2019 15:20

Tell mil if she promises he'll leave the cat alone he is more than welcome. Put it on her.
How when he can't control himself immediately ask him to leave.

AnneElliott · 29/12/2019 15:34

Poor cat. BIL needs to leave the cat alone. Cats do bite when they've had enough.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/12/2019 15:42

My Lottie likes a gentle little nibble but I wouldn’t let someone like your idiot BIL anywhere near her. I wouldn’t even let him in the house come to that.

To stop my BIL coming over because of our cat
notthemum · 29/12/2019 15:59

Definitely not a cat lover (sorry) But your BIL is an arse. Every single time he goes near the cat you need to say "Do not touch the cat" nothing else.
MIL is enabling him and I'm afraid that by not standing up to her you are enabling both of them. Do not shout.
If he tries to argue/offer advice just repeat "Do not touch the cat". When MIL steps in with "he's helping /teaching you or he knows best." You say firmly "No thank you. This is my house, my rules and my animal. I do not want it touched." Repeat if you have to. Keep calm. If you do not set out your boundaries for your home and life going forward with her now you will have her 'help/interference in everything forever.
Good luck💐

cheesemongery · 29/12/2019 16:02

My cat would have clawed his face off by now (slight exaggeration) whilst I stood there and said well if you will insist on winding her up - tough shit.

It does seem extreme to ban somebody coming over though, even the smallest of children understand - nooooo, leave the cat alone!!

Thestrangestthing · 29/12/2019 16:04

We have a dog, and I wouldn't allow anyone to annoy my dog, certainly not to the point he felt his only way to escape was to bite or scratch.
Your bil is a twat and mil is clearly and enabler for his entitled behaviour.

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 16:13

I'd stand at the door, and say, 'you need to understand, the only way you are being allowed into my house, is if you agree not to go near my cat, and not handle it in any way. You so much as look at my cat funny, you're out on your ear, and you won't be invited back in. Got it? You do not, under any circumstances, touch my cat, you complete and utter fuckwit.

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