To feel so sad about the way my life has turned out

[LettyConfetti]

I'm so sad. Im 39 and I've done nothing with my life. I look back at people I know from school and most of them have such good jobs. Theyve thrived through life and I've been left behind like a failure.

I have a low paid job, nmw. I still live in my shitty town in a run down part. My house is too small for my family and is so dated and grubby. I can't afford to update it. My car is too small and a banger. I have had mental health issues since childhood that I didn't realise I had. It's held me back so much. I am a failure. Im so sad that im not a good role model for my kids. Im not good at anything. I'm not even a good mother.

I know I sound terribly depressed in this post but it's honestly how I feel.

I know some of you will come on here to say comparison is the thief of joy but honestly it's reality. We're all born in this world on an equal footing but the truth is we're not.

That's been life for pretty much all of human existence. You struggle to survive, you procreate and you die.

I have a low paid job, nmw. I still live in my shitty town in a run down part. My house is too small for my family and is so dated and grubby. I can't afford to update it. My car is too small and a banger. I have had mental health issues since childhood that I didn't realise I had.

This part is factual.

I am a failure. Im so sad that im not a good role model for my kids. Im not good at anything. I'm not even a good mother.

This part is not.

OP, 39 is not too late to try and change your life, if that's what you want. But in the meantime, you might benefit from looking into CBT. I recognise the thought patterns in your post from my own head, and they're not serving you well at all. Wishing you the best.

Sorry you feel this way OP. But you have children whilst many can't, and they are a blessing. To them, you are their world. Have you tried to talk to you doctor to see how they can help with your depression? Sending you hugs. Xx

Either you can keep feeling depressed or do something about it. Sounds harsh but that is the fact. I was at my lowest point a few years ago too until I thought fuck it, I'm going to make some changes, overcome my fear and just do it.

we're not born on an equal footing. Family, health, temperament - there are so many factors that either advantage or disadvantage us. But I don't think our DCs look at 'achievements' to determine whether we're good role models or not. They look at whether we make them feel loved etc.

I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. Please seek help, you are suffering from depression and it is the depression which is making you feel this way. The Samaritans are available to talk to 24/7 don't forget this. On Monday please call your doctors surgery and ask for an emergency appointment. You need support at this time.
You are not a failure. Your children need you and love you. Don't give up. Life is too precious. You can get through this, you just need some help xxx

Could you stretch to.some paint ?? Put a few pounds a week away and save up to do a room at a time..there's loads of cheap paint etc in B&Q all the time when they reduce it.

I think you're doing a good job. You're dragging your arse out of bed every day, you're working, functioning and holding your own........you've achieved more than you're giving yourself credit for. Keep chipping at it

Look at your kids. How are they? Are they awful failures? Because it sounds as if you've put all your energy into raising them. I bet they are lovely, and that's thanks to you. It's amazing what your work and sacrifice has achieved!

How are you not a good mother? Is that true or just an opinion?
You work, you have a home and you own a car. That doesn’t sound like a failure to me.

If you want to make changes, you can. 39 is young.

Honestly we have 1 shot at life. I've spent years being a stay at home mum. Youngest starts school next year. I went out and got a job last year. Ive now upped my hours. It wasnt easy. Sometimes you have to push yourself that bit extra.

I am almost exactly same as described in your post. Except even though our situations are the same, my perspective is quite different.

This Christmas has actually made me really appreciate all the little things I do have. Homeless in my area has gone up significantly. I am so lucky to have somewhere (even a bit small and a bit shitty) to live. I've spoken to people who have had to spend Christmas on their own, I've spent it with my (very lovely) family. I may have a crappy minimum wage job but I HAVE a job when so many people dont and need one! Like you, I HATE that my mental health has held me back in life and without a doubt it has, but I haven't done too bad all things considered

All I can do is say that if you genuinely cant change your situation right now, please try and change the way you look at it x

OPi totally know what you mean - to the point I had to double check your list to see if it wasn't something I wrote a while ago. I'm currently in a house with two high level engineers and a surgeon. The only difference between us is that they all had "normal" childhoods (difficulties were experienced and they had people around to help them) and they had financial support. I was abused and had no support. I got good grades and I went to uni, but I didn't have the emotional/mental energy left after that to forge a career. I was completely exhausted (but I didn't know it).

We are told that we need to work hard and we'll "get there", but it's simply not true. I worked so hard to survive and I had nothing left. I have trauma therapy now and I work 10x harder than myDP in a daily basis just to get through the day at times, yet that work is not paid, so he's successful with a great job and I'm not. Success usually comes through hard work, but hard work only brings success if you were either lucky or born into the right (supportive) environment.

But it doesn't matter what we've not achieved career-wise, we are still the most important people to our kids. Sometimes that makes me feel sorry for mine, but I try to look at it through their eyes. They need me more than anything so what can I do to make myself a good example for them. And to make sure that they have the emotional support and the mental energy to go on to achieve their dreams, whatever they turn out to be.

You are not a bad mother, not a failing mother, but maybe you are struggling (cos it's harder than most can imagine when you yourself had a difficult childhood).

Is there any way you could talk to your GP and try to get some counselling to help with your own childhood? Or antidepressants if you don't want to do that?

And comparison can sometimes be a good thing, it's not always the thief of joy. Many people only figure out that their childhood was problematic or abusive because they compare it to more normal ones and discover that their "normal" has been skewed.

 it's hard, but you're absolutely not a failure. You just didn't get the opportunities that you needed.

Nobodies life is ever how it looks from the outside OP. Why do you think you are not a good mother? Because you haven't given them aspirations, that can be talked into them, focus on what each is into, sell them the dream, tell them you want them to do what they love. Kids remember happy times and love. Mine weren't rich, but I remember what they did for me as a person.

I'm a shit mum because I yell at them when I'm down- over little things. Ive not done anything fun with them this holiday. We haven't even left the house. I'm barely cooking for them. I don't want to play with them. I want to be left alone.

kristallen thank you for your post.

I don't know how to just change the way I think. Easier said than done.

Well, you’ve achieved more than a lot of people OP, me included. You have strong community links and a loyalty to your family and home town. Beautiful, healthy children who are thriving thanks to you. You’ve been thrifty with your choice of home and car, allowing you to focus your finances on your children and despite raising a family and looking after a home, you work to support them and contribute to society through your taxed income. Not bad in my opinion!

You sound lovely but down. Have you thought about seeing your GP for support. Think about visiting the online careers advisory service if you’d like to develop a career.

Good kuck!

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone, and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead, and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

OP just see yourself through the eyes of those that love you. See how you love others. And know that none of it is conditional. Be kind to yourself. That's all that matters really.

Your life is not wasted so you haven’t got a lot of material things. Try and think what you have got, you have a roof over your head, ok not a palace, you have a mode of transport not the best but at least you have something. You have healthy children ok you don’t want to play with them at the moment they will survive.
You are clearly feeling very low try and look for positive things. 💐

Well first off you're not a shit Mum because you've stopped and thought about it and thought - I yell at my kids too much. A properly shit Mum wouldn't even think about it.

It is completely, totally ok to be 'knackered', especially when you are the one in charge. I went through a phase of super-shouty, a few years ago - DS so made me laugh a few weeks ago - when my calm 'interrogation' finished, I asked why are you still standing there?

"In case you wanted to shout at me" - he was being quite sardonic and both of us laughed.

Honestly, I think the period between xmas and new year is not a good time for a stock take OP. Everyone goes to mush a bit.

You are a mum. You are valuable in yourself too.

Everything can be improved with small steps.

Go to Brazil and see how some of them live.. on the streets selling plastic bottles for money, living in dirty shoe boxes in the favelas, it gives you a whole different outlook on life. I will never dis our council estates however bad they are again.

Look at the positives you have,. Wonderful children, a car, a roof over your head, a job, biggest blessing of all is your children.

I’m sure you aren’t a shit mum. We all have times when we shout at them. You’re all probably climbing the walls if you’ve been in all Xmas.
Could you all go for a little walk, left off steam? Everyone muck in with some light chores, a bit of cleaning and tidying?

Letty is it possible to divide the days up into segments which are between you and the kids. I totally know this feeling of needing space to (in my case) do nothing, just decompress. Can you do something with them like a puzzle or board game - something where you're with them (get a cup of tea to sip while they're nattering and taking their time between goes) - and then have a break? Put them in front of the TV or outside to play and say this is quiet time for you until a set hour. Then have lunch and do it again? That way they're getting their little "tanks" of mum attention filled up and will give you more of a break after. I'm not sure how old they are, but you mentioned holidays so I guess they're school age?

One thing I've done that is slow but works, is to apologise to my kids when I've shouted. I tell them that I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry. If they've done something that warranted me getting annoyed I reiterate they shouldn't have done it, then again say I shouldn't have shouted though. If it was not at all their doing then I say that and that I'm feeling tired/stressed which is why I shouted, but it's not ok. I don't promise never to do it again though because I can only hope I won't. Over time it has gotten less.

I also try to remember that we don't have to be perfect, just "good enough" and that basically means that overall, not in any given day, we have to give them love, attention, affection, etc but we're allowed bad days too. Just knowing that reduces some of the stress of every mistake I make.

OP and fellow Letty - I am showering you with confetti of good thoughts and wishes. I think it will get better for you in 2020. You are brave and honest enough to confront how you are feeling, and write it down. You can see how many people have already responded with ideas (paint! CBT! being thankful you have kids and somewhere to call your own!) and I am sure more will join. My contribution is this - a shit mum is one who is not self-aware enough to even think the thought. A mum who thinks she's not good enough = 100% of us on here at some time or another. Peace to you, and hugs and flowers. And remember, for those of us who look like everything is roses, it's not always. I lost my own DM 4 years ago this March and a piece of me died with her, along with all my regrets about not spending more time etc. But to look at me, you wouldn't know this, you'd just see a good job and life and not the mental anguish. Please wake up tomorrow knowing we're all putting good thoughts into the universe for you.

@LettyConfetti - I also think you are very brave to admit all this and the great thing is in just a few days it's a new decade. Why don't you think of a word that's a goal for 2020 for you and make a few small goals that feel possible. Things that will help brighten your mood and help you feel you are succeeding. Or maybe a goal or two a month? So they become habits?

January - go see your GP to get on list for counselling and start a weekly family night with your dc - go for a walk, play some games and watch a film together.
February - paint your house a nice colour that makes things look less grubby - white usually works as you can accessorize. If you can only afford one room then start with that. Plan a day out for February half term, doesn't matter if it is free. A day out as a family.
March - Start a special family cooking night, once a week cook together from a frugal recipe and make it fun. Get your hair cut.
April - Plan a day out for Easter holidays. Buy a few nice accessories for your newly painted room.
May - Spring clean your home. Plan a daytrip to the beach with the family and bring a picnic.

You can adapt the goals to suit you, but sometimes those little extra motivators can make a world of difference. I believe you can do it @LettyConfetti and that you can make good changes and get to a better place. Sounds like you have many reasons to try!

Good luck.