To feel so sad about the way my life has turned out

[LettyConfetti]

I'm so sad. Im 39 and I've done nothing with my life. I look back at people I know from school and most of them have such good jobs. Theyve thrived through life and I've been left behind like a failure.

I have a low paid job, nmw. I still live in my shitty town in a run down part. My house is too small for my family and is so dated and grubby. I can't afford to update it. My car is too small and a banger. I have had mental health issues since childhood that I didn't realise I had. It's held me back so much. I am a failure. Im so sad that im not a good role model for my kids. Im not good at anything. I'm not even a good mother.

I know I sound terribly depressed in this post but it's honestly how I feel.

I know some of you will come on here to say comparison is the thief of joy but honestly it's reality. We're all born in this world on an equal footing but the truth is we're not.

Letty - you've had some good advice and some strong empathy on this thread, I hope they've helped you.

You ARE a good mother because you worry that you are doing it wrong. You care that you have shouted at your kids and you care that you aren't giving them your best side. If you were a crap mum, you wouldn't care about them, you'd only care about yourself.

This time of year is standard for people in many different situations to feel bad about their lives and what they have and haven't achieved - you've fallen prey to the seasonal Black Dog, by the sound of it. If you can get in to see your GP, please go along and see if they can help you with meds - either put you on them, or change your dose if you're already taking them. Think of them as a plaster cast for your emotional state - it's a bit broken at the moment and needs some support, but once you're feeling better, they can be removed again.

As Kristallen said, apologise to your kids if you shout at them - even if they needed it! - and explain that you're tired and not feeling too well at the moment. Tell them that you love them - I'm sure you do anyway, but tell them more.

And while I know it doesn't make what you have better for you, as another PP said, you do have a home, a car and a job, which is doing way better than a significant percentage of the UK population now, so you should be seeing that as a good thing. You are a good role model for your children because you have a home for them, you provide for them and you love them.

Remember all of this when the black dog bites you - and stay safe

OP. Please do this.
Ask your doctor to do a blood test. Ask them to check your thyroid, vitamin d, b12 and iron. If you are deficient it has a mayor impact in your emotional / physical well being.

You're not unreasonable to feel sad.

Often, our lives do not turn out how we imagined them to.

It's OK to feel sad about that.

And you're right, we're not all born with equal access to resources. There are things I want and need, even, that I don't have access to, and am not likely to ever access. For example, I cannot see a path for me to secure housing. It sucks.

However...(you knew that was coming, didn't you?!) While I am still alive, I do try to count my blessings. On a really bad day, my blessings are that I have running water and a flushing indoor loo. On better days, my ability to have my own children, to hold down a (poorly paid, relatively low status but congenial) job, to have sight and hearing to see and hear nature around me, to have access to books and music.
It really does help me sometimes to acknowledge the sadness, yes, but then also acknowledge the things I have that others around the world don't.

There is a real opportunity for you to be a real role model for your kids. Acknowledging and getting effective treatment for mental health issues - that's being a good role model, for starters. You work - that's another example of good role modelling. If you hug your kids, have their back, show them how to get up and live to fight the next battle - that's being a good role model.

Look, I do get it. I have cried some very bitter tears about what I've not been able to give my kids, because of (childhood abuse driven) choices I made earlier in my life, and because sometimes the cookie just crumbles that way.

Feel sad. But sometimes take stock of what you do have, and allow yourself to feel grateful for it, and acknowledge the good parts of your parenting and your self. If you can't do it (and I couldn't either) therapy with someone skilled (and again, I know it's so unfair - if you had money, you could pay for this privately, as it is you're on waiting lists, most likely) can really help you be able to acknowledge, access and build on your strengths, and not remain bogged down in what you perceive as your failures and weaknesses.

It’s natural for feel down and tired when you’re worrying about money all the time and have a job that you do just to pay the bills. It depletes you, it would be odd if it didn’t!

How old are the kids? Most kids up to the age of 11 or so like to be read to, and it’s a relaxing way to be with them that doesn’t call on your emotional reserves. If it’s not already part of your routine it could be. Little and older ones can be taken for walks in nature, older ones might want to learn how to cook. And if you do get cross, apologize and tell them you love them, that you’re proud of something they’ve done, that they make you smile. It’ll do you and them a world of good.

op your still here.that to me shows your bloody amazing.to feel like you do.to have the problems you have.and your still fighting.it might not feel like it but youare.there is a reason for that.
i know its hard but you still here and that means there is always another way.dont give up on that.never give up on thinking there might be another way.
try little things.dont see the huge successes people put labels to.do what bring nyou little snippets of goodness.it could be putting on your favourtie cd.or mayne cooking something once every week.could nyou teach the kids to cook.
go for a little walk.and just look around at nature.it can be beautiful out there even if its turmoil in your mind.
there can be something out there for you.dont ever give up.what if hun.what if...

JanesKettle lovely,great post

Hi there,
I think you need a plan and then start taking small positive steps towards your goals. Celebrate every step achieved.
However, I think the first thing you need to do is get help for your mental health. Get yourself in a better position. Appreciate what you have already achieved.

I feel a lot like this at the moment. Our house is too small for the people in it. Piles of crap everywhere. The dogs bad breath has been a flashpoint. And as the mother, everyone seems to blame me for all that goes wrong or feels wrong. I used to be a bit shouty, but do less of that now, but I do sometimes feel like telling them all to fuck off with their criticism and their blaming and their failure to help.
But you have had some good suggestions made, and I’m nicking some of them. I do think a gradual de clutter will help. By next Christmas I would like my house to have breathing space rather than storage. Keeping it clean and tidy helps me a lot, and keeping up with basic maintenance.
It is really hard to work and have kids. I know nearly everyone does it, but it is really hard. I don’t work any more, and that is why I am shouting less. I know that’s not available to everyone, but I’m just saying, cut yourself some slack, you are doing your best. Do something with them in the time you have left before they go back to school.Get to the park, play a board game, show them how to clean the toilet. Tell them you love them. It will be ok, really.

Thank you so so much for all your posts. Honestly I feel so alone right now and your words of kindness has made me cry. I feel I have noone who understands. My mind is in turmoil and I'm so exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I want to stop existing as I don't have the energy to even get out of bed and when I do I feel like a depressed zombie.

I get what you're all saying.
Take small steps. Plan little things to do together. Be find to myself. Practice gratitude. But I know it sounds ridiculous but even all that sounds overwhelming right now.

Another thing is that I absolutely hate my job. It's convenient but I utterly hate it. The people are so cliquey and my manager micromanages me like I'm a child. I can't even send an email out before she checks it. Being unhappy at work is not helping either. I've only been here 3m and regretted in the first week.

OP (and others) life can change.

I used to struggle trying to keep us housed and fed on very low pay. There was no maintenance paid. I managed to provide a decent home with enough space for us, everyone had their own room. It was hard going. I hope my DCs were not very aware of what my real situation was. They grew up to be very hard working people themselves but also on medium to low paid work. During this time my health was reasonably OK. I just accepted that as being life and got on with it.
I was suddenly promoted which also meant there was a substantial pay rise.

My DCs grew up to be hard working people who put in some really long hours. They may be having it hard now. I have thoughts on why this is but not knowing for sure I cant comment. I would have helped them having known what a struggle it was for me but again I only suspect the reasons why none of my offers were taken up.
I am fairly comfortable now financially. I have a lot of worries about health matters both for myself and others. I worry about what the truth is about my DCs but would never ask now.
Please do not think you are a failure at 39 OP a lot can and probably will change in the future.

How old are your kids?
Do you think you can do anything today?

It might do you all good to get out for a bit. Is there somewhere you can all go? Even a walk somewhere with lots of nature could help all of you.
You know what you need to do for your dcs and know what you shouldn’t be doing.

It sounds like you need some extra support right now.

Make an appointment with your dr and tell them what’s going on for you. Get a blood test done.

Go for a walk. You need to shake this feeling even for 5 mins. I suffer with depression. When i get completely overwhwlmed with darkness. I MAKE my self gave a 10 min walk. It takes the edbe of for a few moments. Then come bk have a cuppa and start again.

Please go to your GP. You don't have to suffer like this. I understand you can't see this right now, but your life can change and you can feel differently.

In the meantime, this is some great advice from a PP that's worth repeating.

All I can do is say that if you genuinely cant change your situation right now, please try and change the way you look at it x

I find getting out in the fresh air really helps my mood and the kids love being outside. Get out and do something, anything! Walk in the park, playground, bike ride. Walk someone's dog! Run down a hill!

When it's raining, go to the library. Try to meet up with friends and/or family. Find out about free events, there's always something on where I live.

Look for another job. Go to agencies, sign up to agencies talk through your skills.

Take this life by the horns and try to improve every single aspect in a small way and those small changes will add up into big ones.

You can do this. Don't get sucked down that black hole of despair.

@LettyConfetti get yourself off MN this morning and go for a walk with the DC. Do it now.

That’s your only goal today.

If you haven’t been out for several days, no wonder you’re feeling worse mentally.

Get out of the house. Staying in is not helping you or the DC.

The second thing to do is put a reminder in your phone to call the GP tomorrow. This is priority to do.

Get dressed, if you can manage that , you are doing brilliantly

Get out with kids, just go to a local shop and buy sweets.

Go home, let them play/watch films.

That is more than enough for today.

As well as a walk, aim for smiling at your kids, telling them nice things and hugging them more today. Even if it’s all fake smiles.
Sometimes faking it all helps too.

Once you start feeling a bit better, you can start to change some other things.

I think everyone feels like this at some time or another .I feel I could have done a lot of things differently ,but its too late to change it now.I am quite sure you are not a bad mum at all ,just exhausted and feeling beaten down with day to day life .We are constantly presented with glorious images of families with huge homes .large disposable incomes holidays abroad and so on .Looking from outside there are many issues people have and we dont know about .Can you maybe get some white paint at B and Q (about a tenner for their own make ) and maybe just do one room at a time? You have a small house ,but its better than a flat eh! likewise your own car ,who cares if its old ? It goes and is better than taking the bus .A NMW job is better than no job /benefits ,and is contributing to a pension as well .How old are DC can you just go for a walk /lunch out /free museum somewhere

OP, what stood out for me is you talking about not being a good role model for your children. When I am pointing out role models (from everyday life, not celebrities) to my children, it's certainly not 'she's got a great job, earns lots of money, he's got a lovely done-up house, she's got a flash car'. It's 'he's a great help in the community, she's a really sensible parent, he's thoughtful and kind, she is great at what she does and works hard'. With examples. I know it seems like what you have and what you do are what really matters in life, particularly in a society as materialistic as Britain (said as an immigrant from the UK to elsewhere - there really does appear to be a pervasive idea in Britain, certainly England, of life as a sort of competitive race which I only see in very specific regions or strata in the country I live in now), but they are not actually what things - and certainly not role models - are built on. JanesKettle has some more wise things to say on the subject of role models. I think 'resilience' has become a dreadfully over- and misused buzzword, but we are all going to need the ability to cope with changing circumstances and let go of a lot of our material status signifiers as the world and the climate change, and if all our identity and worth is invested in the material and financial, we (and our children and grandchildren especially) are going to find it is all rather built on sand.

I also want to add that many of those people you're comparing yourself to, with the good jobs and big houses - their lives may not be all they seem.

I live in a rather well-heeled part of the country, and my DD tells me that a lot of these families with massive houses and high powered careers have very real problems with teenage children who have too much pocket money and are spending it on drugs, alcohol and clubbing. The careers are exhausting and take up all their time, and the mortgages are enormous.

And don't get me started on the ones whose fancy cars and designer clothes are all on credit. You can comfort yourself with the fact that whatever you have got is real and it's yours.

I know how you feel. I had a similar upbringing, and a childhood like that can leave you fighting just to get through the day, let alone achieve the things that others do with ease. It is maddening, especially when those around you imply it's easy to achieve those things, and that you could too if you really put your mind to it. Like dragging a massive invisible bag behind you that weighs one and a half of you, and then lining up to run a race with others who have no bag. And who have slept and are rested and well nourished while you are dizzy with hunger and fatigue. And they're all, 'Come on! Keep up!'
I get it.

That said, I think there are two more immediate, pressing things here. You sound like you might be depressed, like proper clinically depressed, and it sounds like you might be in a job that isn't right for you.

As a first port of call I'd really encourage you to see your GP or access some other support if you feel you are depressed but it is very mild. I have felt like you describe in the past and was depressed although I didn't always see it at the time. But the things you've listed; snappiness, wanting to stay in bed, wanting to be alone, knowing what you need to do in theory but struggling to do it in practise, feeling so overwhelmed and fatigued by simple tasks like washing up, having a shower, leaving the house... they are all symptoms of depression.
And there is no shame in that. But there is also no shame in asking for help. You would if you had a broken leg, wouldn't you?
When I've had mild depression I've managed to drag myself out with exercise, eating less sugar, regular bedtimes, soothing vidoes on Youtube and the Calm app, but if it's more than mild you might need some extra help and that's okay.

The job thing might need to wait til you are back on your feel emotionally with a bit more energy, but if you hate your job, mentally look around each time you are there and think 'Right, you fuckers, I won't be here in 6/12 months because I will be in a different and better job' and use it to get you through until you can hopefully find one.

I do think though that if you sort the depression type stuff, the job will seem less difficult to bear, although you might still end up leaving. They do sound like knobs.

Sending you a massive hug, I don't know where you are in the world but if I was near you I would be happy to help you in any way I could.
Do please visit the GP though, make a list if it helps you to remember what you want to say.

You are ONLY 39!

Do you want to know why some people seem more successful than others? Because they don't settle and accept crap. More people than you think had to put up with shit jobs and shit situation, but some wallow in self-pity about it, whilst others push until they have better.

Same with relationship, you just need to read the threads: some posters accept unpleasant aspects of their boyfriends whilst others will have been out of the door from day 1.

One thing at a time - and the more you achieve the more you can do.

First step would be to see your GP to help with your (mental or physical) exhaustion.

I think you need anti-depressants OP, it can take a few tries to find the right one but it is so worth it. This will allow you to cope with your current shit and give you the strength to make changes.