To feel so sad about the way my life has turned out

[LettyConfetti]

I'm so sad. Im 39 and I've done nothing with my life. I look back at people I know from school and most of them have such good jobs. Theyve thrived through life and I've been left behind like a failure.

I have a low paid job, nmw. I still live in my shitty town in a run down part. My house is too small for my family and is so dated and grubby. I can't afford to update it. My car is too small and a banger. I have had mental health issues since childhood that I didn't realise I had. It's held me back so much. I am a failure. Im so sad that im not a good role model for my kids. Im not good at anything. I'm not even a good mother.

I know I sound terribly depressed in this post but it's honestly how I feel.

I know some of you will come on here to say comparison is the thief of joy but honestly it's reality. We're all born in this world on an equal footing but the truth is we're not.

Firstly, congratulations on having the strength to survive your childhood, raise your kids and hold down a job, OP. That’s heroic. It shows resilience. As PP have said, a difficult and impoverished childhood stays with us and makes it harder in every single way. I know from personal experience how it steals time and means we may achieve things later than average. When you are focussed on survival you can’t focus on what you want or who you want to become. You are only 39. You sound intelligent and insightful. If you can get some counselling, do it. It will help you process your past. Take the magic wand test: if you could wave it and all your problems vanished, what would that look like? What would you be doing differently? What does that tell you? Good luck, OP. You sound like a great mum.

It really does sound as if you need a dr's apt, blood tests and referral for talking therapies.

In the meantime I agree with the poster who said just take the dc to the sweet shop. Cd you also stretch to a packet of cleaning wipes for 99p. Honestly they make a bit of cleaning so much easier and smell nice too.

Good for you to have got a job. If it doesn't suit look for another. Always easier to get a job when you have a job.

I echo another poster about getting out every day even if it's only to count the cracks in the pavement with the dc. How old are your dc?

I went back to work at 43, part time at the bottom, 18 hrs a week for £7.5k in London. That was 17 years ago and the people were pretty gross but they moved on as they do and a cpl ofyears later the new manager supported me taking my prof quals. Hang on in there.

Baby steps

I'm sending you lots of unmumsnetty hugs if you want them. You've had some great advice. If these things sound overwhelming, I think you need to prioritise a visit to your GP, to talk about depression (a lot of what you say rings true), and to get your bloods checked. Last two winters I had what turned out to be Vitamin D deficiency and I was so exhausted I could barely function. A cheap supplement this winter and I feel a completely different person. They can also put you on the waiting list for some counselling to help change the way you think, hopefully, and then you will have done one thing to take control.

Take baby steps. Do you think you can make the intention to call the GP tomorrow morning? Set a reminder on your phone so you don't forget.

Today, how about just taking a nice hot shower (a nice thing for you and good act of self-care) and make something easy and quick but tasty for dinner for you and the kids? That's it. And enjoy eating as a family, something everyone loves, like yummy cheese toasties or baked potatoes, whatever.

Your job is clearly a big contributor... That could be your plan for 2020, but I think its too much for now; you need to focus on the basics and build some resilience and strength to fight the battle of finding a new job. I believe if you see the doctors and give it a few months of doing little things, by spring you will have the strength to face the new job challenge.

You can do this

I hope that this does not sound too harsh, but I have the following suggestion.
Give yourself until the 31st December to wallow in your giant pity party, and then on 1st January, get up resolved to do something about it.

1. Go to GP and get treatment for your depression. If you are already on medication, ask them to review it
2. Look at what you want to do with your life. Make a plan. Make the plan detailed and specific. So, if you want a better job, what job do you want. What do you need to do to get it? How are you going to go about it. Being in a crap job is ok, if you know it is the path to something better. If it is just a crap job, that is much harder to live with. Make a plan for every unsatisfactory area of your life.
3. Do a course. Find something you are interested in and what to learn about. Learning is helpful in all sorts of ways. You meet new people, make friends, get to discuss ideas in a way you almost never do in general conversation
4. Take a look around your home. How can you make it better. You can buy a helluva lot of magnolia emulsion for 10 quid. Give your house a bit of a facelift. If you are cramped for space, get rid of some stuff. Think about storage solutions. They don't need to be expensive. Check out sites like freecycle if you are broke. Be imaginative
5. Most important of all, you need to realise that YOUR life is what YOU make it. There will always be people who are doing better than you. So what? If you are enjoying your life, it wouldn't matter at all. It is only because you are miserable that you care (see 1 above). Plan some things that YOU want to do, then DO them. You are not even half way through your life yet. Why would you throw in the towel now?

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. MH issues do hold you back in life. But it is possible to improve your day by day existence.

I understand how overwhelmed you feel right now. But you will feel better if you do a few simple, small things.

If you haven't already, please get some antidepressants from the GP, to help you through the grim months and to stop you shouting at your DC. I regret spending so many years on ADs but I don't regret that they broke that cycle of shouting. It used to feel impossible not to shout. It was out of my mouth before I knew I was feeling angry. But ADs slowed my reaction time and even though I'm off them, that snappy reaction has never returned.

Also get hold of some Vitamin D spray. It's expensive - about £9 from Holland and Barrett - but it gives you so much energy. Even if you are in debt, you deserve to spend less than a tenner on yoru own health.

The trick, when you feel this low, is to do very easy things which need almost no effort but help a lot:

• Put on upbeat music that you love, especially music from any carefree time in your life. Or music that makes you feel uplifted.
• Watch comedies on TV
• Drink water - at least five glasses of it a day
• Breathe in very deeply through your nose and out through your mouth 4 times
• Stretch your arms high in the air and then try to touch your toes - do this a couple of times.
• Have a shower and wash your hair
• Take a cup of tea or coffee and stand in the fresh air to drink it. Doorstep/balcony/by an open window is fine

-Choose food that is instant but good for you: fruit, egg or beans on brown toast, glass of milk etc.

• Put on your favourite clothes, even if you don't feel like dressing up. Wearing something that either feels really soft and cosy or that looks bright and cheerful or smart when you glance in the mirror helps a tiny bit.

-Go for a walk. Even just around the block or to the corner shop. Play a game with your DC to notice all the blue things or yellow things or triangles or different kinds of animals they see on the walk - just to give you a break from thinking negative thoughts.

None of these get rid of the depression. But all of them give you a tiny break from it, and you deserve that. So do your DC.

If you don't feel capable of going outside, just open your window, lean out and let some fresh air on your face - it's so welcome after days trapped indoors.

Chop up some stale bread and get DC to put it out for the birds then watch through the window and see how many birds they can spot. You usually get a robin - that's Christmassy. Makes you feel good to be taking care of birds in winter.

Pick a film or show you all want to watch and sort out some simple snacks to have while you watch it together.

Make a massive effort to do one thing outside of home with the DC just so you have a nice activity to remember - a walk in the nearest pretty place - park, woods, beach. Remember the rule of depression: you don;t have to want to do it. You just have to do it.

And do one thing inside the home - maybe baking some cookies together. Or playing a game.

Is there anyone you can tell who might take the DC for a fun outing?

You’ve had the courage to say how you feel and that’s more than most . You have a home a car and a job ... these are all starting points . We all shout at our children . The next step I think is to leave the house today , even if you just all walk to the nearest play ground . Loads of posters have great ideas to help moving forward ... but you may feel a bit better just by getting out .

Depression is a fucker !!! When I suffered with it, making a cup of coffee was a HUGE task so I never bothered just like everything else.

My advice is, don't try plan anything YET, your brain is ill and needs some help.

I could write how great you are and how much you have achieved and how great your future looks but that's not going to sink in.

What you need to do first is see your GP you will need some antidepressants, these will take 2 weeks to work, sounds long, but you've already done this long like this.

These tablets will allow your brain to sort out the important stuff from the not so important stuff. Sort of like a filing cabinet, it puts the important stuff first, there's no more of everything in a big jumbled pile. They let you deal with one thing at a time. Your brain will do this itself, you just go with it.

Another thing the tablets help with is times like night time, all those thoughts that come when you are trying to sleep, thoughts from years ago, silly things, all the what if's, whys, the feeling of being useless and a failure. The tablets allow your brain to sleep and rest.

After taking the tablets you can then make plans, yes..... you will want to make lots of plans :)

Best of luck

I have felt down before. And can't be bothered to do much this Xmas.

But other than giving you some paint, from your local WhatsApp group, there is little practical support anyone can offer you.

Unfortunately it's up to you to take little steps to address these issues. A touch typing pa course, IT teach yourself course, book keeping course, might make you more employable? Not having a 'career' is not shameful!

This time of year is truely depressing though! Cut yourself some slack!

Op my flat is droppin to bits the carpet is tbreadbare but i tidy and clean wat i have its in a rough council estate but u kno what we have hot running water, heating, a cooker, some food, a bed each, basic clean clothes and a small balcony which i put plants and flowers and fairy lights on 😊 its me and my 2 kids.
I work in a off licence.
Idrive a car worth 300 pound
Ive been depressed b4
If i can fight it
You can
Get 2 gp
I can hand on heart say we are a happy family
Once upon a time i was in a black hole
Life is good op
Depression is not xxxxx

As many have already said, you're NOT a shit mum because if you were you wouldn't worry about being one! Your kids love you and need you. It's one of my biggest fears too that I get too snappy and shouty with my kids, but all we can do is try and make sure they know we love them.

Again, as someone has previously mentioned, definitely get yourself checked over for any underlying physical issues that may be contributing to your current state. Perhaps go into antidepressants if you're not already in them, or get referred for counselling, CBT or mindfulness?

Regarding your career, what do you WANT to do? Is there an alternative career that you could aspire to and maybe work towards? You could do a short/part-time course, and gradually work towards a better role.

Everything you said resonates with me so much. I'm a 40 year old mum of two, with a history of mental and physical health difficulties, and am currently retraining for a new career!

If I hadn't gone back to uni, I would never have the potential to earn much more than nmw myself, but it is terrifying to me that I'm doing this at 40, when I feel I should already be established in a career, own a 'nice' house etc etc.

I guess the short version of what I'm trying to say is it's never too late! Figure out what you want, and then figure out how you can make that happen and what support you'll need to get there. Feel free to message me for a chat if you wish

@Sausagerols - what a brilliant post.

Hi OP, I want you to know you are not alone. I am 46 and I feel much like you. My circumstances are different but I threw away my secure life and now live an insecure one in an area I hate and with no real friends. I am very lonely. I have been very depressed and still cry whenever I speak to a 'professional' even if I am not seeing them for anything related to why I am unhappy. I feel huge guilt for the impact of my choices and my past behaviour on my kids. I know my eldest has been pretty fucked up by it.

There is help out there - I have had a family support worker come around, am on the waiting list for psychologist led parenting support. I got support from going to the GP.

Do you have family and friends around you? If you have could they help you a bit or if not would you consider moving closer if they would be helpful.
Maybe a fresh start I housing and location would give you a fresh start in your life and how you are feeling about your life.
You are not failing at all.

You have children. I don't. I'm single and 49. To me your grubby family home seems utopia. It's all relative.

Hope you have a better day .

Thanks everyone.

I didn't cook or clean or do anything in the house. We had breakfast and got dressed. I didn't go for a walk or anything but went to my mils house who is lovely. I took the kids and we watched movies and their cousins/ aunts/ uncles all came round and we all ended up having a takeaway together.

I was exhausted by the end of the day and those dark thoughts did creep up every now and again but generally I was ok whilst I was there. However as soon as I stepped into the house I could feel it all coming back again. Though right now I don't feel nowhere near as bad as yesterday.

Maybe I need to not spend any time at home?!

Yes! I hate my house. I feel much better if I go out. So glad I'm not alone. (Sorry house, really do appreciate the shelter and water supply you are awesome, it's just me an an issue with four walls and I'm working on it, please keep being you thanks)

I’m a shit mum so know how you feel

Glad you felt better op. Well done.
Getting out for a bit as often as you can does help a lot.

What do you think would help you feel better being at home?

Glad you're feeling better OP. I remember feeling the same, as soon as I got back home things would creep back in. A combination of associating the house with my misery at the time (we hadn't wanted to move, it had rats and was a right dump and I didn't like it) and association where I would see the inside of the house and just feel meh because all my time there of late had been spent feeling fed up. Plus probably the grim feelings lurking about and needed a good clear out and a bit of feng shui

I wish I was near enough to help you as I love helping people tidy and make a place feel happy and welcoming. Still crap at doing my own washing up, mind...

Hi OP. I agree with others to get yourself to a GP. I had undiagnosed mental health issues that I'm now working through. I felt exactly like you this time last year. I don't feel that way now (still a work in progress but don't feel hopeless).

Two things that really helped me this year: 1. decluttering and minimalising my life. If you have Netflix then watch the Minimalism documentary. Having less stuff and junk and clothes has really cleared my mind and brought peace to the home. Also fresh paint: painting the whole house so it feels fresh, light and airy. You can even paint your kitchen cabinets and tiles if you can't afford to renovate.

1. Watching this mel Robbins video. The title doesn't do it justice. At first I used to technique just to get out of bed in the mornings, but now I mainly use it to change how I speak to my children in the moments that I feel exhausted, impatient, frustrated and angry- to stop myself from shouting and saying nasty things.

Its funny how quickly things can change op. A few years bk i was in a ton of debt and couldnt pay my bills and living pay cheque to pay cheque. Now im very comfortable after paying it all off (it was hard), retraining and getting a big payrise and moving from a small 2 bed with my dh and 2 kids to a big 5 bedroom with 3 living rooms. You really never know whats round the corner. Keep plugging away and take action in the new year. I say first thing get a new job which pays more.

That’s great you went out. Have you got a partner?

Yes. I do have a partner who is helping with things like cleaning, laundry etc. I only told him the true extent of how I was feeling a few days ago when I had a good cry. He knew I wasn't feeling motivated etc but didn't realise what was really going on in my head. I think it helped him to understand why I was such a cow to live with.

We've decided to all go to the cinema as a treat for the kids today. We haven't been in ages. I'm going take each day at a time and aim for one nice thing to do a day. I'm not going to look at all the housework / organising that I needs doing or the other house admin etc that there always is it all overwhelms me. Even small things are so overwhelming. I'm ashamed to admit until yesterday I hadnt even showered or brushed my hair in days. I was disgusted with myself. What on earth is happening to me?

Letty - that is a classic sign of depression, feeling unable to even do the smallest amount of self-care, like brushing your hair or washing/showering.

You NEED to go to the GP.