To not want this friend to visit again

[Spinderellacutituponetime]

Really shocked that a very old friend of my DH has come to visit and has said something racist during the course of the conversation. I was very upset and surprised by this as have known him a long time and never heard him say anything remotely similar. In fact he’s always been very leftie-liberal. I called him out and shut down the conversation making it clear I wasn’t happy and his comments were unacceptable but now I feel really uncomfortable about having him in the house. I certainly don’t want him here again but he’s DH best friend. Would I be unreasonable to say he’s not allowed to visit again? The whole thing has made the atmosphere in the house awful and I have gone to bed early to avoid more confrontation.

YANBU. I have zero tolerance for racists, homophobes, Islamophobes etc. DH can meet him out of the home if he wishes.

I've just gone no contact with my father's relatives after I couldn't tolerate their racism anymore. They also stay in contact with my abusive parents, so it's that too.
If I was in your situation, I would question why my dh wants to stay in contact with a racist. There's no excuse for supporting a racist.

Depends what he said. And what you said.

I haven’t had a chance to speak to DH about it yet. I will do though, although I’m sure he will brush it off. I feel very sad about it as I liked this man a lot but now it all seems so tainted. Just can’t believe someone you thought you knew could be so different. :-(

YANBU one of my closest friends is in a relationship with a racist. She doesn't seem to care, just makes excuses. It's really awkward as I refuse to see him.

What did he say that so undermined a longstanding respect?

What did he actually say?

What did he say when you called him out? Did he realise he’d been racist? Did he apologise?

I don’t really want to say as it’s outing

Yes what did he say?

Depends what he said..

He admitted it might come across as slightly racist and I said it’s not ‘slightly racist’ it’s just racist full stop and not acceptable . I said I couldn’t continue the conversation and left the room.

Depends on what was said.

@Spinderellacutituponetime, how many folk were there?

Just me, DH and the friend. I don’t know why it depends on what was said. Are degrees of racism fine? It upset me and made me feel differently about the man, isn’t that enough?

Of course it depends on what was said.

Well I’m not going to say so if that’s the case then there’s no point in continuing the thread but thank you for your time.

I think it depends because you may judge something as racist that may not be to most people.it really does depend on what was said.

I hate to admit it but in our group of friends it's acceptable to say racist things if it is light hearted humour. So if he was making a joke then in my opinion YABU to ban him from your house especially if he is DH's best friend. It might not be to your taste, but not everyone has the same sense of humour. In my group, that might have provided us with a good laugh. He's not really hurting anyone if it's just in the presence of you and DH, he is obviously very comfortable around you.

Did he make comments about Pickerninnies with watermelon smiles or refer to Muslim women as looking like letter boxes? Because apparently that's acceptable nowadays

It really depends on what was said and in what context.
You need to talk to your husband too.
You can’t just say that you you want this friend of your husband’s banned from your house unless you can explain why.
Was he actually being racist or did you perceive him to be racist?

My oldest friends have some views about immigration that really upset me. They've lived in a very white area all their lives, and have pretty much zero experience of anyone of another ethnicity. I disagree with them and point out my own experience (I worked with, and now volunteer for, people from other ethnic backgrounds ). I don't get angry, I just try to be informative while making clear that I don't agree with them. These views have only surfaced in the last few years, so took me by surprise.

It's hard. They've been kind and generous friends for 40 years. And they're not uncaring. They're involved with a homeless charity and are genuinely concerned for those people in need.

So no, I don't ban them from my house, and I still visit theirs. I wish they didn't think as they do, but their views are from a place of ignorance, not unkindness. So I continue to try to gently influence them. And they've certainly taken some things on board.

If your husband's friend is otherwise a good person, and liberal in his views, I wouldn't ban him. He's more than that one opinion, and it's possible that he could change. But that's unlikely to happen if you never speak to him again.

Was it anti semitic? That is something you get in some left wing circles.

It was racist and he admitted that he thought it was racist too. I don’t think I perceived it as being so. Defo no joke.

Honestly it does depend on what he said. If he said he thinks it’s ok for white people to have dreadlocks, people who are very up to date with debates about cultural appropriation are likely to consider that racist. But very few people would consider that irredeemable racism territory, more a need for education. If he said though black people are inherently less intelligent or something, he’s moved into being an irredeemable racist. From what you’ve said about him being on the left, I’m guessing at Israel related antisemitism?