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AIBU?

To not want this friend to visit again

106 replies

Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:04

Really shocked that a very old friend of my DH has come to visit and has said something racist during the course of the conversation. I was very upset and surprised by this as have known him a long time and never heard him say anything remotely similar. In fact he’s always been very leftie-liberal. I called him out and shut down the conversation making it clear I wasn’t happy and his comments were unacceptable but now I feel really uncomfortable about having him in the house. I certainly don’t want him here again but he’s DH best friend. Would I be unreasonable to say he’s not allowed to visit again? The whole thing has made the atmosphere in the house awful and I have gone to bed early to avoid more confrontation.

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managedmis · 28/12/2019 23:33

That fell like a lead balloon

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Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:34

Not anti Semitic. African and Pakistani mainly.

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MoonlightBonnet · 28/12/2019 23:34

@eryn6556 you and your friends are a group of racists. It being acceptable within the group doesn’t make that less true.

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minielise · 28/12/2019 23:35

Is it something you can educate him about so he sees why it’s racist and give him the chance to correct his behaviour/beliefs?
Or something that is unforgivable because he had chosen to ignore the chance to be a decent human being?

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thistimelastweek · 28/12/2019 23:35

Totally get the degree of racism thing - though I still have questions
I am very curious about the outing thing. What was outing about a remark made in the presence of three people?

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Iggleonkupsy · 28/12/2019 23:38

I don't think we can help if you aren't prepared to say what was said. Some things can be perceived wrong..

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LolaDarkdestroyer · 28/12/2019 23:39

Outing?...so your oh, and his 2 friends are on here? Hmm

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Frozenfan2019 · 28/12/2019 23:39

I would distance myself. you don't have to make a massive scene to keep someone at arm's length. You've done the right thing by speaking up.

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HeadSpin5 · 28/12/2019 23:40

eryn6556 that’s a joke, surely??

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Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:40

@Iggleonkupsy that’s fine. I appreciate everyone’s time. I think I’ll just have to mull over it a while. I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable about it though.

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ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:41

There's nothing outing about it ... unless OP thinks it will make the front page of the Daily Mail and the friend will see it Hmm

Surely the issue is whether or not you can ban someone from your and DH's house when DH likes them? I wouldn't ban one of DH's friends. He wouldn't ban one of mine. If I don't like his friends, then I don't need to be in when they visit. Likewise, if he doesn't like my friends, then he can be in a different room or go out when they visit.

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Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:42

My OH is on here and the friend in question’s wife is on here.

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Fizzypoo · 28/12/2019 23:43

There's so many layers to racism. It's simplistic to say racist and not say what the comment was. Unconscious bias is different to i hate all (insert racist derogatory word).

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saraclara · 28/12/2019 23:46

I wouldn't ban one of DH's friends. He wouldn't ban one of mine. If I don't like his friends, then I don't need to be in when they visit. Likewise, if he doesn't like my friends, then he can be in a different room or go out when they visit.

That.
Also this isn't some right wing extremist you're talking about. He's said one wrong thing, and he's normally liberal and left wing. It might be an unacceptable view to you, but you need to trust your DH's opinion of his friend. People are multifaceted and the friend isn't past redemption.

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Sagradafamiliar · 28/12/2019 23:48

It's really questionable that so many posters are just dying for the OP to say the racist phrase.
And no, it doesn't depend on what was said at all, in the slightest, not a bit.

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Wonkybanana · 28/12/2019 23:51

My OH is on here and the friend in question’s wife is on here.

If that's the case, then the ship of outing has already sailed. So why not say what it was and open up a reasonable discussion here that your OH an the friend's wife can see too?

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ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:51

Oh come on, the OP has made the 'racist' phrase the entire point of her thread. She could have said he said something objectionable but she didn't. She's laid breadcrumbs which she then won't fulfil because (completely bizarrely!) her OH and her friend's wife are on here . . . Hmm

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Popupshopper · 28/12/2019 23:53

I think you have to be clear on where you stand OP and you let him know that you do not find racism acceptable.
Nationalism is on the rise, sadly. You/we have to make a stand. By saying nothing you’d be silently condoning his comments and beliefs.
With your OH I’d just quietly state that you are not prepared to tolerate being in this friend’s company because his values are so at odds with yours.
Also don’t let people on here bully you into repeating a racist comment.
It just perpetrates the whole thing.
I’m sure you have enough sense to discern whether or nit he was being offensive. Hmm

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hiphiphoorayback · 28/12/2019 23:53
Hmm
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ArranUpsideDown · 28/12/2019 23:54

feel really uncomfortable about having him in the house.

Is it possible that he's reflected on the matter after your discussion and now feels differently? That he wouldn't say something like that again?

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NoseyBuggerMummy · 28/12/2019 23:55

It was racist and he admitted that he thought it was racist too.

Well I would be disappointed with a friend for thinking something that was racist but if he was reflective enough to realise that it was an irrational thought pattern he picked up and acknowledged it was wrong I wouldn't ban him from my house.

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Popupshopper · 28/12/2019 23:55

Do not repeat the comment OP.
People are positively salivating at the thought of hearing it.
What good will come of repeating it so that posters can decide whether or not it is racist enough

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ReanimatedSGB · 28/12/2019 23:56

It depends on context, though. Was it a matter of terminology (he wasn't saying awful things about a particular group of people, he just used words that are not, now, the preferred words to use to describe people)? Was it something a bit poorly-informed about crime rates, or cultural practices? Was he trying to be 'edgy' and making a knob of himself instead?
Because you say this man is someone you previously thought of as a good person - could it just be a matter of him needing to learn more or do you really think it is a deep-rooted aggressive prejudice?

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ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:56

The fact is that the racist comment doesn't matter but OP is pretending it does. The point of discussion is whether she can ban her DH's friend from their house.

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RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 28/12/2019 23:58

It does matter what was said. Was it something straightforwardly racist, which seems unlikely given his character, or was it a comment about some practice in another culture that he is critical of?

I've been called racist for criticising the practice where some families of Pakistani descent in the UK import brides from Pakistan for sons who can't find wives here. Whereas I think it's racist to just let women be trafficked because they're from another culture.

Was it more something like that?

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