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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this friend to visit again

106 replies

Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:04

Really shocked that a very old friend of my DH has come to visit and has said something racist during the course of the conversation. I was very upset and surprised by this as have known him a long time and never heard him say anything remotely similar. In fact he’s always been very leftie-liberal. I called him out and shut down the conversation making it clear I wasn’t happy and his comments were unacceptable but now I feel really uncomfortable about having him in the house. I certainly don’t want him here again but he’s DH best friend. Would I be unreasonable to say he’s not allowed to visit again? The whole thing has made the atmosphere in the house awful and I have gone to bed early to avoid more confrontation.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 29/12/2019 02:50

If you have only ever had words this one time after all these years of friendship then you are doing pretty well.

He said something you perceived as wrong, you made it clear that what he said was unacceptable to you, surely you can move forward from that?

justilou1 · 29/12/2019 02:59

The way I see it, you’re either pregnant or you’re not. You’re either racist or you’re not. My opinion of him would have changed then and there also, OP. I think racism is a deliberate decision to be ignorant and intolerant in this world.

WatchingTheMoon · 29/12/2019 03:29

I have to say that it depends. My husband is Korean and honestly the things that are acceptable to say in Korea are very different to the things that are acceptable to say in the UK. I mean, people have asked me if I know any black people and if they are all rappers...yes, it's racist but I'm I going to ban every Korean from my house then? Because most of them are pretty ignorant about race. Wouldn't that be racist then?

It's a hard one, when it gets down to it really.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 29/12/2019 03:51

I think it depends on what was said. Everyone has different opinions on things and everyone has at least a little racist bone in thier body.

It’s your house though so if you don’t like him anymore, that’s your decision. It might be your DHs house too, so maybe a compromise needs to be reached.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 29/12/2019 03:54

I think you’re being ridiculous.

Yeahnah2020 · 29/12/2019 04:02

This reply has been deleted

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GirlDownUnder · 29/12/2019 04:36

It was racist and he admitted that he thought it was racist too.

So what was his justification for saying it Confused this is what would piss me off. If you know it’s racist then don’t say it.

Maybe see what the morning brings - hopefully your pulling him up will make him think and elicit an apology and change of behaviour.

AJPTaylor · 29/12/2019 07:10

But do you think he is racist? If you have known him for years and have always thought of him as liberal is it really a "I've seen his true colours" moment. Or something said in error/questionable/drink etc?

Happyandglorious · 29/12/2019 08:03

I think to say you never want to see him again is very dramatic. Friend of Dh made a revolting comment to me once. I know he probably didnt mean to offend but it was not appropriate. I made no proclamation but we have never socialized with him since. I find him gross. Dont want him near my kids but he wasn't likely to change and since you have already called him out on it. Just be pleasant in his company but avoid as much as poss in the future. Telling partners that they must end a friendship is unnecessary battle ground imo

Bluesheep8 · 29/12/2019 08:27

No one can comment without knowing what was said.

Original poster
Spinderellacutituponetime · 29/12/2019 09:07

That’s fine. You can stop commenting and thank you all for taking the time to post. I know some of you are hoping to hear what was said but that’s not going to happen. I’m not going to comment again.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 09:13

Sorry Spindere, please do come back and at least tell us if your husband eventually agrees with you, I think that is as important as what was said. Husband should have your back and, as you are with him, presumably shares at least some of your views, especially on issues like racism.

I certainly wouldn't welcome a racist in my home, neither would my son but my husband was less confrontational.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 29/12/2019 09:36

Ok then, YABU.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 29/12/2019 09:38

I assume you posted this hoping you’d be lauded for your moral strength and purity in banning from your home a long-standing friend who said something you didn’t agree with.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 29/12/2019 09:38

The way I see it, you’re either pregnant or you’re not. You’re either racist or you’re not.

That’s silly. And wrong.

saraclara · 29/12/2019 09:41

The trouble with outright "banning" someone for one comment is that it stops their ideas from being challenged.

Yes. If anything, banning someone firms up their opinions, because they think they've been treated unfairly and persecuted for their thoughts.

Dieu · 29/12/2019 09:42

If he respects what you've said and doesn't do it again, then I certainly wouldn't ban him.

saraclara · 29/12/2019 09:44

...and no--one was asking what was said for any nefarious reason. It's just that there's a continuum of comments that can be racist. Some worth not having that person back on your house, and some not.

You asked a question which we couldn't answer without knowing where on the continuum of seriousness it lay.

sonjadog · 29/12/2019 09:47

I think that if we just ban everyone who says something racist from our social circles, we end up with an even more polarized society than we already have. People only spending time with people who think like them. I think it is important to keep conversations open if racist is to be fought. Your husband's friend was presumably taken aback by your response and may be rethinking what he said. How about instead of noe banishing him, you engage with him and model other ways of thinking?

saraclara · 29/12/2019 09:50

If the atmosphere in the house is now awful, I imagine he won't be rushing back anyway.

And yes, what @sonjadog said. Too many of us live in bubbles.

JustDanceAddict · 29/12/2019 10:06

In that case I’d have to ban my in-laws as they’re all racist!

iano · 29/12/2019 10:21

Yanbu op. He knew he was being racist and said it anyway. He's entitled to his opinions. You're entitled to not hearing them under your own roof.

TheWernethWife · 29/12/2019 10:36

Was it anti semitic? That is something you get in some left wing circles.

I'm left wing and you can call me anti semitic all you want as I won't have anything produced in Israel in my house.

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2019 11:15

This is the reason people want to know what he said. Some would consider the comment by thewernethwife racist.

Racism isn't as black and white as some people on here claim. Context and nuance is important. Fashions change.

ReadyPayerTwo · 29/12/2019 11:30

I agree with the above comment - it's just not black and white and context and nuance is very important.

My DH is a really kind and tolerant person, but in private with his family and very close friends his opinions can run the gamut from left to right - sometimes he's mucking around and sometimes he means it, but I know deep down there is no way he is racist or homophobic.

I think you're overreacting.