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To not want this friend to visit again

106 replies

Spinderellacutituponetime · 28/12/2019 23:04

Really shocked that a very old friend of my DH has come to visit and has said something racist during the course of the conversation. I was very upset and surprised by this as have known him a long time and never heard him say anything remotely similar. In fact he’s always been very leftie-liberal. I called him out and shut down the conversation making it clear I wasn’t happy and his comments were unacceptable but now I feel really uncomfortable about having him in the house. I certainly don’t want him here again but he’s DH best friend. Would I be unreasonable to say he’s not allowed to visit again? The whole thing has made the atmosphere in the house awful and I have gone to bed early to avoid more confrontation.

OP posts:
LolaDarkdestroyer · 29/12/2019 11:48

No one gives a shit what the comment was...but there is racist and there is RACIST which is why people wanted to know to get a bit of perspective but you go ahead and flounce.

SerendipityJane · 29/12/2019 12:08

Racism isn't as black and white as some people on here claim. Context and nuance is important. Fashions change.

As the should-be-watched-by-everyone Stewart Lees Comedy Vehicle S3E4 "Context" surgically points out: It's impossible to have a context-free word.

crosstalk · 29/12/2019 13:26


Stereotypes are not facts. But facts are facts.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 00:20

Spend any time on Twitter, for instance, and you will see that some people go looking for stuff they can 'call out' other people for. It's possible OP is a major virtue-signaller who is far more invested in punishing other people than educating them.

comesavemenow · 03/01/2020 12:55

@paranoidmum2 yes they are not facts but in my experience half of the time they are based on facts

RUOKHunni · 03/01/2020 13:04

DH has a friend who is a Momentum type and came out with some hideous anti Semitic shite some time ago. Not ‘just’ an anti-Israel rant, but some real Elders of Zion- type bile.

I challenged him on it, and we ‘agreed to differ’ on that occasion (I think I was just stunned into silence, actually, as his comment was disgusting and what I would usually assign to nutty, far right conspiracy theorists).

After that evening, though, I thought about it again and told DH that no, actually, I couldn’t have him over again if those were his views. DH had words with him and has cooled the friendship massively since.

I’m all for trying to maintain friendships while challenging stereotypes, but I’m not going to willingly socialise with or host people who hold racist views. No way.

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