To be fuming at my mother in law? Very long sorry

[ShakeysGirl]

I cant moan about her to my partner so heres the next best thing.

Ive been with my partner for 9 months and we recently moved in together. I have children from a previous relationship and we waited until we were really sure about each other to introduce them which we did a few weeks ago and it seemed to go well.

Ive always caught the odd strange look from his mom and got the general impression that she would love to hate me but couldnt find anything to hate me for. Ive always been on my best behaviour when we've been there and never spoken up about the fact that i think she is controlling,manipulative and spiteful!

Yesterday it all hit the fan, she had been generally unhappy since we told her a few weeks ago that we were moving in together. She had problems in the beginning with our relationship because I have children but she seemed to get over it and accept us being together. We went round for sunday lunch last week and then went to a quiz with her as we do every week on monday night. Yesterday he got a text message from his mother saying that as he never goes round he can forget about coming for dinner today and that she may be a prat but shes not a stupid one. She then called him and told him that he wasnt the person he used to be and that he was never around anymore and didnt call her enough (she hasnt even been to see where we live and doesnt call him except to call him a fat slob, tell him his going to die of a heart attack and that hes useless!) He was in tears after the phone call and couldnt understand what he had done wrong.

It got worse yesterday night when we were out and one of our good friends came over to him and told him that his mom was very upset because his "manipulating, controlling girlfriend had taken him away" and that he was treating her "like a stupid prat" he said she was in tears about it.

Im so angry that shes hurting him like this. Hes 26, more than old enough to be starting his own life. I understand that hes still her baby etc but it seems that him being happy means nothing to her. Im hurt too that I could have sat there every sunday and made time for her and introduced my children to her when its all be fake and shes been slagging me off behind my back. I would love to say something to her but I cant for fear of causing problems between me and my partner. He feels torn and its almost li8ke she is trying to make him choose between her or me. I dont want him to choose I was and probably still will be when im less angry more than happy to do the whole family thing with her for his sake.

Sorry this is long but any advice greatfully recieved.

I rarely get internet access so please excuse me if my replies are few and far between. Alot of the time I can read but not post - using a mobile phone so realy will be appreciating your advice before i have to see her tomorrow!

How did it go last night ShakeysGirl?
Have you and your man made up again?
Did you have a good evening in the end?

Hope it went ok for you last night... Not sure what you decided but hope the outcome was what you hoped for. Thinking of you.....

Last night was awful, truly awful.

He went alone to talk to his mom and didnt come home afterwards because he said he didnt have enough time to get here and back before doing the quiz. He was quite short with me on the phone and im afraid to say I sent him and arsy message back saying that I was coming to the quiz but he was to stay away from me cause I was feeling really hurt

I then went home and packed his stuff. To me it seemed that his mom had won and that we were over and I couldnt face the thought of watching him sort his stuff out. I was so scared walking into the quiz but he didnt even look up at me. On the break he never came over and I spent most of the time trying not to cry. He did look at me in the 2nd half and mouth 'i love you' though. His mom said hello to me too.

At the end of the quiz I told him I was leaving and that he was more than welcome to come as we needed to talk. When we got home he told me that his mom had no problem with me and that she thought he had changed over the last few months and that maybe he needed a break. She also told him to come and talk with me and that if there was anything in his heart that told him to stay then he should

He told me it was over and said that he couldnt handle the commitment and that he felt he had to choose between me and his family. He said that he loved me but something didnt feel right anymore and he didnt know why. We talked and he said he felt trapped and pressured, that his mates thought he had lost his sparkle. I thought that we had sorted through it and that we would work it out by giving him more space, him seeing more off his mom.

We went up to bed and i felt slightly happier until he woke up and told me that it didnt feel right and that he didnt know if he could continue being with me. And then he said that he loved me and his heart and head were saying different things. Hes been like this all day and keeps looking at me with a sad look on his face and shaking his head and saying 'i do love you' Im not sure if hes trying to convince me or himself

I saw a text message on his phone from a mutual mate, who had text me earlier to say he was sorry and that we could work things out. The message on his phone read "Im so happy for you mate, this is the best thing you could do and you know it is too, it was so nice to see your mom smiling today" I thought he was my friend and I was so wrong.

Ive done nothing but cry today and when he went to work my friend called me, heard i was upset and dragged me off to her house. I cried alot and she cooked me dinner and was great. I decided to call his mom whilst I was there. She answered and I asked her if we could talk, I told her i was worried about her son, that I loved him and did she know how i could help him. She said she thought everything had gotten on top of him and he needed a break from everything. Including me She also said she didnt dislike me and that there was no problems between us. Shes the type to say if she had a problem so im taking it at face value. I cried on the phone Hopefully I did the right thing calling her and clearing the air with us and letting her know I care about her son???

Im waiting for him to come home from work at midnight (if he does.I have a feeling he might go to his moms as id bet money shes called him after ive called her) I dont know how he will feel about me calling her. Hes been so upset and sad. He said we just dont feel right anymore.

I love this man. What can I do? Im so so sad.

.

Shakeysgirl I really feel for you. Cannot really offer any practical ideas, only have a look at thread Mother in Law - Help! Might let you know lots of men have probs with sorting out mother/partner situation.

ALthough probs were plainly obv in my case (as in yours) DH found it v v v v stressfull (as is your DP) and we had to agree some boundaries on our discussions about it. Does get better with time as they get little better at dealing with it sometimes.

Perhaps his mum sees you as a threat? If so, she must feel your relationship is strong and that's a good sign in a weird way. Good luck.

Sorry to hear of your saga Shakey, it sounds like to me that the mother has decided you are not suitable material for her son and will do everything in her powers to split you up which she has successfully done.
However I do think one of two things will happen, One; that he will really miss you and come back to you and then you can move the relationship forward and his mother will have to come to terms with it. Or two; you will have to move on and (eventually you will forget about him) Which will not be a bad thing as if he cannot stand up to his mother, much as you love him do you want to spend your future with a man who is weak.
I do not know how old you are but it sounds like to me that he is emotionally a young 26 year old. If he has relied on his mother for everything he clearly has not broken those ties yet.
It was nice of his dad to stick up for you and him.
Additionally as for his mate, of course people change when you get involved in a relationship. Maybe he did not want to go out the piss all the time, hang out with his other mates when he wanted to be with you etc etc and if his mate is single he would be gutted to see his mate looking like he was settling down. Additionally you do not know what his mother has said to him either.
I think in the main you have become caught up in the crossfire of a mother and a boy who has not worked out how to remove himself from his mother's clutches and you have become the unfortunate victim. Some people on here will say you have had a lucky escape but only time will tell.
Good luck

Thank you.

Im in my mid 20s and been in a couple of long term relationships. Im his longest relationship so far.

The not knowing where i stand is killing me. Ive never been so upset, hurt and i feel sick.

Im just sat here staring at the computer waiting for answers. Its like im waiting for the results of some life changing test.

If it wasn't for his mother and you split, then maybe you could accept it more. But having split due to her involvement I guess you feel cheated in a way which makes it so much more painful.

Ive never been dumped before. I never realised how much it hurt

MIL's have a reputation for a reason. To be fair, not all are bad, but mine too can be a nightmare.
I think you hit the nail on the head with "trying to find a reason to not like you and not finding one". That sums many MIL's up in a nutshell. They wait until they find even a crumb and it all kicks off.
Try not to let it bother you. It obviously upsets dp, so just support him and makes sure he knows how much you love him.

You may not feel like laughing now but have a look at the other MIL threads on here and you will be amazed at what some MIL's are like.

On the other hand (as I have thought more about it), I am not sure that you should make any compromises and just sit around and wait for him to call. He knows you love him, but you have to know the same.
He sounds a bit immature and it might not even be worthy of you to be with him anyway.
And his "mate" sounds like a doofus (sp?)!
His mum will continue to have this problem with every woman he meets, so just know that it is not you.

I know, and at the risk of sounding ridiculas - I love him. Things were so good until a few days ago. 2 weeks ago I had his name tatooed on my wrist!

Im going home now to wait and see if he turns up but thank you for your advice. Im just so lost at the moment.

A tattoo? You should have had his mother's name on your fist instead.
As an aside my wife had a bloke at the door selling those dusters and that. You know a youngster who is trying to go straight and that. He had something on his neck and she asked him what it was and he said it was his date of birth. My wife nearly said well the police would have no trouble identifying you then!
Nice lad though, I always try to buy a thing or to from those guys.

Would you consider saying to him that you can not spend the rest of your life waiting for him to make up his mind as to whether he wants to spend his life with you or elsewhere (do not mention his mother). That if he can't give you an answer/the commitment now then maybe he should go away until he has made up his mind, but that he shouldn't expect you to just sit and wait for him to make up his mind. You love him and you do want to spend the rest of your life with him, but not on the current terms.

I don't think it will benefit either of you if you go on like this.

Just a thought. I do hope you are feeling better today.

Sorry to hear read things haven't been going so well Shakeysgirl.