Over Spending on Christmas Presents

[MissyMoooo]

My DD has had a best friend for just over a year (age 12) It's the first time she's exchanged Christmas presents with any friends at Christmas. We spent around £40 on her friend, but we were quite embarrassed when we opened my DDs present as there were lots of gifts which came to at least £150. Anyway, we bought what we could afford and I guess her friend did the same (they are really well off!) My DD is upset because her friend told her mum said "is that all she bought you" when she opened her presents. I'm thinking I should have spent more but they're not even teenagers yet at £40 was a lot of money for me to spend on a friend of my DD. What do you think? I honestly think the friend spent far too much but my DD is embarrassed about the whole thing.

I had this situation. My daughter had a £150 coat for her last birthday. All I could afford was £15 max in return.
I don't feel bad as it really was all I had to spare.
My daughter understood the situation, as did her friend.
Sadly, the parents did not.

Thanks for your replies. None of them are at private schools, and yes DDs friends parents are loaded. Still I don't think I would spend that much even if I was loaded tbh. The gifts DD received ranged from toys to expensive make up (think £25 for a mascara!)

They are trying to show off it’s not a good look

£40 is ridiculous.
I'm not even going to comment on the other family's giving.

At that age, my dc either didn't buy for friends (ds)
or
spent what they could from pocket money, spending about £2 - £3 on friends (dd1)
or
Did a 'Secret Santa' where they only each bought for one other friend and they spent £5 on that (dd2)

Someone upthread said new money op. No one, who comes from money would act with such a lack of class.

Locksmyth
That’s also bonkers money. Dd has just started secondary. Presents are normally £10-15 for birthdays. We could afford more. But we don’t. That would put terrible pressure on those with less money than us.

While I don’t think £40 is ott if it was just one friend you were buying for.. £150 is a lot.

Did your dd know she was spending that amount?

Why wasn’t a limit set between them?

I’m embarrassed for the friends mother, who thinks like that let alone says it out loud?

I can understand why your dd is embarrassed; the build up of 'oooh, I've spent loads on you' followed by the revealing of the gifts must have been excruciating.

This is a situation that I would nip in the bud tbh, as it has the potential to cause your dd huge anxiety while she is friends with this girl - you say that you're already dreading her birthday and I don't blame you.

I would ask dd to give you contact details of her parents, or of her friend so that she can give them to you. Then either text, call or email to say 'thanks very much for the generous gifts for dd. We can't possibly reciprocate so please could we agree a £x amount cap on gifts that the girls exchange in future, should they choose to do so? Dd is appreciative of your generosity but also very embarrassed, and I'm sure that wasn't your intention. Best wishes for the NY etc'

Well I don't think much of the girl for telling your daughter what the Mother allegedly said - I think your DD should back away from this "friendship" as she sounds more like a Frenemy.

Don't exchange gifts again. Her spending an extra £110 does not make up for her rudeness at your generous gift. I would say to my DD 'her mother would not have said that. That would have been outrageously rude'.

Thought 12 was when you're supposed to discover cheap makeup not £25 mascara?? (This is beside the point but I feel like the sparkly purple drugstore eyeshadow I got for Christmas that age was de rigeour! Lol!)

@thehorseandhisboy I am friends with the parents already, I had no idea what they were spending. I will definitely be setting a limit in future. It's not fair on either of the girls if I don't. The friend and her family were extremely generous but we just don't have the same resources, and even if we did I doubt I'd spend anywhere near that amount. I know you don't give to receive but the comment afterwards was hurtful to my DD whether it was from the mother or her daughter.

The royal family probably don't spend that amount.A realistic spend would allow her to be more imaginative.You know what the mother said and I'm not sure I'd want my child absorbing those sort of attitudes.

£40 of presents was extremely generous. A nice £10 present would have been suotable too.

I feel for your DD - her friend must have made her feel dreadful. I wonder if the mum really said that (shocking if she did!) or it was just what the friend thought. Maybe being used to lots of presents didn't realise that wasn't to be expected from a friend. Of course the parents should have guided her and given her a normal budget not £150!!

I would be wary of this friendship also. It doesn’t matter how rich you are that’s an inappropriate amount for a years friendship of 12 year olds.
Why did they think it was ok? That’s not being generous actually. It’s being an indulgent show off. I don’t think £40 is appropriate either though.

Lots of little pocket size, high value presents?
I'd be rather suspicious.

£20 would be absolute maximum for a good friend here.
For context we usually spend £10 on friends children, £30-40 on niece and nephews and £100-150 on our own children.

£40 is bonkers! £150 is batshit. If there’s a next time-knowing what friendships are like-talk to the other mum first about expectations of cost.

You did nothing wrong, even £40 is very excessive.

We are comfortably off and only spend £100 on each of our own children at Christmas!

I thought gifts for friends were meant to be a little thoughtful token of appreciation not a chance to show off about how rich you are. I don't expect my friend to supply my makeup and perfume (another thread) I would appreciate far more a book I will enjoy or my favourite bubble bath. Why do people ruin things with these big showy gestures that are more about them than their friend?

If the mother did make that comment it shows her to be a very ungrateful, unpleasant person and she is bringing her daughter up to be spoilt and entitled.

Even £40 is ridiculous. I wouldn't have thought to spend more than £10. If my DD had more than one friend I would have encouraged secret santa. Once these things are set up it's much easier to maintain and you don't want to have to better the gift each year and buy for more and more fiends as her friendship group expands.

I have 14 grandchildren. I spend £10 each on them. £40 is a lot, in my opinion.

£25 on a mascara for a 12 year old. OMG the world has gone mad.

£40 too much, £150 I wouldn’t want to know these people, they sound crazy.

I am sure they could donate to charity all their excess funds or is it just for showing off and feeling superior. Whether comment from mother or daughter do you really want your daughter mixing with a family like that?