To put a block on my DDs phone

[FloatingMonkeys]

DD is 15. I pay for her phone and as such I have an app which allows me to block her phone for scheduled periods. I block it from 10pm to 7am and she has a maximum of 3 hours screen time per day. I do this because otherwise she would be on it 24/7. AIBU?

How is that ridiculous? If the DD is successfully moderating her phone usage within the acceptable limit, then the control can be loosened. If she isn’t, there’s no point loosening it.

If the parent has deemed that 3 hours is an acceptable limit, there is no logical reason or expectation that the the DD should limit her usage. Hence my view that it is ridiculous logic churchandstate

I would advocate a negotiated relaxing of the stringent controls. Th parents need to articulate their concerns and a simple "screens are bad" is not enough.

If there are important elements the parents want to ensure their DD maintains then they can explain. e.g. hobbies, homework, family time, sleep etc. Use tangible things like these as the basis for judging phone usage and future rules. Not arbitrary and rigid rules just because a parent can.

If the parent has deemed that 3 hours is an acceptable limit, there is no logical reason or expectation that the the DD should limit her usage. Hence my view that it is ridiculous logic churchandstate

A limit is just that, not a target. If she can act sensibly within that limit, and show she can moderate, the limit can be removed.

Are they y10 or y11?

If y11 then at this point I'd say stick with the controls until after GCSEs.
If y10 then I'd keep the night time block but maybe remove the daytime one on the proviso that if she starts using excessively or schoolwork doesn't get done properly then the limits are going back on.

Far too controlling and terrible parenting.

Can you set a weekly limit rather than a day one? So a weekly limit of say 30 hours rather than 3x7=21 hours.

Repeating what you have already said, doesn't make your argument any less flawed churchandstate

And out of interest, how would you apply this logic in reality? Wait until the teen used less than 3 hours and then announce she can now have more, or tell her she needs to use fewer minutes in order to earn more ....So she jumps through an arbitrary hoop to satisfy the conditions ...

my mother was like you, decided I couldn’t make decisions for myself and tried to control me.

Just to balance the anec-data, my mother made similar decisions for me, I’ve grown in to an adult who can make my own decisions and I have an excellent relationship with her.

Repeating what you have already said, doesn't make your argument any less flawed churchandstate

I don’t think you’ve found a flaw. It’s not a hard concept.

And out of interest, how would you apply this logic in reality? Wait until the teen used less than 3 hours and then announce she can now have more, or tell her she needs to use fewer minutes in order to earn more ....So she jumps through an arbitrary hoop to satisfy the conditions

No, she wouldn’t be expected to ever spend more than 3 hours daily on her phone. It’s not about earning or getting more time. The limit would be removed when I was confident my child understood that 3 hours daily spent on a phone is ample, and when I didn’t think she would go over it if the limit was removed. In other words, when she had actually developed some control.

If she can act sensibly within that limit, and show she can moderate, the limit can be removed.

Alternatively the OP; or any parent, could turn around and say that because she doesn't even use the phone for 3 hours there's no need to up her usage.

10 TIL 7 on school nights, free rein at weekends for a month to see how much self control she has, the minute school work is not done the deal is off.

Alternatively the OP; or any parent, could turn around and say that because she doesn't even use the phone for 3 hours there's no need to up her usage

Well, yes, they could. They’re the parent. But if my child could self-regulate within acceptable limits (3 hours being more than enough time spent on a phone per day) there would simply be no need for a limit.

This is utterly daft, tbh. The night long block is alright but you shouldn't be limiting how much she's on it during the day. She should be given the opportunity to learn to structure and manage her own time.

Being this controlling only is setting her up to be completely overwhelmed with freedom at uni and as a result, do badly on her course.

I also agree with the PP who said controlling parents make excellent liars. She'll be the first person to buy a cheap PAYG second phone with Christmas money to be able to chat with friends after bedtime. Teens aren't dumb. They get around most things.

How many hours a day do you spend on your phone?

AngelicInnocent

Me? Far too many.

churchandstate what you are describing is not teaching self regulation, you are enforcing compliance! They are very different behaviours. One is healthy, the other is not.

GertiMJN

Yes, it is. It is teaching them how to control their own usage within an acceptable limit before that limit is removed. It is also enforcing compliance, which I have no issue with when we are talking about children.

On my days off I spend more than 3 hours on my phone. I use it to read and watch things if i dont like what others are watching on the TV. No one would be complaining if I was sat for that time with a book in my hands but because it's a phone it's wrong.

Agree with other, all my friends as teens that were heavily controlled were just doing it behind their parents backs.

No one would be complaining if I was sat for that time with a book in my hands but because it's a phone it's wrong.

I wouldn’t complain about my teen reading on a tablet. I just know that’s not what they’re likely to be doing with their phone, and if they were I would say that’s bad for your eyes, pick up a real book.

I've always gone the route of teaching by example with my DC on things like this so I see no problem with using a phone to occupy themselves when there is nothing else to do, in the same way I use it to come on MN. However, I don't use it at mealtimes or in bed and wouldn't allow them to. The same is true of when I have work to do or they have homework, we have visitors etc

This is a wind em up and watch them go thread, frothing berserker bun fight central, don't be daft enough to play people.

I thought my parents were strict

Three hours is an arbitrarily low limit for a teenager who would probably prefer to dip in and out of chats over a full day but perhaps - perhaps - being active in total for not much longer than that. It's also so strict and out of line with most parents that in my view the OP's daughter is likely to question the sense of other instructions or requests the mother has. In other words it risks undermining the more useful and important warnings she's getting from her mum. It's nuts. With our older teenagers we've talked through and continue to talk through why it's a good idea to do/not do certain things and now when they're doing independent stuff our parting shot is 'don't be a dick.' Covers most things and encourages them to think about what they're doing and with luck self regulate rather than blindly following instructions. So far it works.

Wow, absolutely ridiculous for a 15 yo. They do need to learn self control, restricting it so much won't teach that at all. I am using you enforce an early bed time too. Something else that requires to learn self control. It's no different to young kids really, those who were never allowed sweets or biscuits were the ones who had plates piled up of crap at parties.

@AngelicInnocent I agree. I ve told my kids that idle phone use is for down time and when homework and chores are done.
We don’t use them at meal times, when we’re doing things with others like visiting or entertaining, going out, watching a film together or at bedtime. They see the sense in that so they do the same. Usually!

It is teaching them how to control their own usage within an acceptable limit before that limit is removed

And you can't see the flaw in that strategy?