"he doesn't look autistic""doesn't seem asd/adhd just strong willed etc" and other gems, why on earth do people say these things to parents? or similar?

[staydazzling]

Thank god its a good while since someone said this to me, as i dont pander. But ive heard of other friends with SEN or online groups that this kind of thing is still rife, "well meaning relatives" suggesting these after seeing said and handful of times each year , i do remember those really awkward, wtf kind of conversations with well meaning people, but why do people do it? Aswell as often making the person look foolish or uninformed i find its its quite arrogant actually and carries an assumption they know better than you. I do appreciate some people might feel they are being helpful but i suspect its a small group.

AIBU to wonder what on earth makes people say this stuff??

Agree it's misinformed and annoying but I don't feel it's coming from a bad place. Just an ignorant one x

YANBU. My friend has this all the time. Also my nephew/neighbour/friend's kid is autistic so I know what it looks like - your kid definitely isn't autistic. Great I'll ignore the assessment of professionals trained in the area and listen to auntie Sylvie who knows a few autstic people.

The worst one is “we’re all a bit autistic” ... really fucks me off that one. People who decide that “everyone is on the spectrum somewhere” has no idea how genuinely fucking difficult it is to function with autism

My friend has experienced this - some people are pig ignorant.

From one if DH's relatives we've had the news that their friend's child has "fullblown autism", not "a touch of autism" like both our sons have

I think they are trying to say your dc "passed" as "normal" to them which is a (very inappropriate) compliment. So I think well meaning.

This really grinds my gears. Constantly told by DG that DS is ‘borderline’ autistic as he is ‘not as bad’ as another autistic child she knows. She has even suggested that he ‘could be just very awkward ‘.

I hear all of these regularly, but the absolute worst line is, from my narc mother, "well he is alright with me" said with a sympathetic smile and perhaps a little head tilt, which make me even more angry. Does she really think she is so marvelous that she can cure ADHD/ASD? Can she really not grasp masking? Is she actually telling me that I am causing this????

My mother told me my daughter who has ASD is just a "hard child to love" like I was. DD was two at the time and red flags had become obvious. My mother didn't believe me. I was later diagnosed with high functioning autism or Aspergers as I much prefer it being called, as was my daughter.

I went NC not long after she said that but not soon enough. She'd spent my whole life trying to correct me to make me more "normal" through forcing me through situations that made me miserable and uncomfortable. She taught me that my discomfort isn't as important as being polite and so I didn't learn to speak up for myself until I was shot of her. I cannot begin to tell you the damage that caused me and the horrific situations I put up with.

It breaks my heart when people try to dismiss and minimise ASD, we have our struggles but it's part of us. Not something we can chop and change to suit others. I do not know what functioning without autism is like because it makes up so much of who I am. I don't look "autistic" it seems, my mother refused my diagnosis and dismissed me as troublesome and bad behavioured instead. I cannot stand the ignorance of others on the discussion of ASD.

I'll never speak to my mother again, for her at least and I cannot speak for others, it came from a place of not wanting to admit there was something abnormal about her child.

YANBU!!! We get this all the time from family members on my dh's side who are not on board in any way. One personal favourite of ours was "He doesn't seem VERY autistic", this from our SIL who is a primary school teacher ffs. We spent Christmas with the in laws and one of his uncles said. "He seems to be clicking his fingers a lot, I mean all the time. Why would he do that?" Or son has had a diagnosis for 5 years. Aaaarrrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!

One of my best friends had Asperger's. Diagnosed 8 years ago (we're well over 40). Friend is constantly told, "but you don't look autistic", or ,"but you seem so clever".
They usually get put straight!

“But you have 3 kids you can’t be autistic”

“But you’re at University how can you do that if you’re autistic”

Easily for the first one, with great fucking difficulty and lots of support from Uni staff for the second one.

Yes! We hear this all the time. Always get, she makes eye contact she cant be or no I dont see it.
Makes me so sad that she will deal with this all through her life.

YANBU

I have had:

1-He will grow out of it
2-I'm sorry to hear that (what?!?!? My son is awesome, do fuck off!)
3-It must be your parenting
4-All children do that
5-Did he have his MMR? (Eyes rolling out of head by this point)

The 'isnt he coping well' at an event of some sort when he is masking and i spent all morning preparing him for said event (including a meltdown) and will spend all the next day re-regulating him after said event.
Its often said alongside 'we cant really see the autism ' and 'he is always so good for us'

Yep - thats cos i spend the whole week rehearsing, timetabling, preparing visuals, telling social stories to get him ready for it and we leave when we see he is beginning to crack.

Is half the issue people don't really know what Autism is?

It comes from the same emotional place that a lot of nasty British people seem to have, which is

"Your child may have difficulties, but I'm going to be deliberately reductive about it all because I can't stand that you get a fuss made about things. You don't need or deserve any more attention".

It simply means they don't think your child has autism.

Oh god I hate this and when it’s someone in your own family, no matter how distant, maybe read up on their diagnosis or just ask. I will happily answer questions (as long as they aren’t offensive. “No ex MIL autism isn’t a fancy word for being a bit slow.” ) just don’t tell me that the paediatrician probably made a mistake because “no one in our family has ever had Autism before!” In a really accusing tone.

YANBU! This is also true for adopted kids with difficulties due to 'developmental trauma' (and ASD). 'All kids do that' is a particular favourite of mine in response to some behaviour or other. 'What, all day every day?' is my usual response.

So how precisely does one look autistic? is it printed on the forehead? It takes a specialist in autism sometime to check history & fully assess - & you would think after all this time that people (especially teachers & gps et al) would recognise that presentations & masking & gender differences in presentation & differences in how profound the effect is on each symptom of autism & that individual personality makes a difference & whether they have a co-morbid mental health etc issue or developmental disorder like adhd/dyspraxia etc

@Yesterdayallmyfish

"It simply means they don't think your child has autism."

And why should they make some grand pronouncement (or even speak at all) on an issue which the parents no doubt have had extensive medical support on from experts?

If my child had autism, I couldn't give a FUCK whether someone else thought my child didn't have autism.

Fuck that person for even daring to comment on something which I would have spent weeks, months and years of my life trying to work with, something which is at the intrinsic heart of my family.

'That's normal/everyone feels like that' when you've just explained a severe difficulty. EG I can't cope at the dentist because of the noise of the drill. 'Everyone's like that, nobody like it' Arrgh. Everyone does not need sedating and/or go into full meltdown because of the noise, or seriously consider suicide just to avoid it. It completely minimises the severity of being autistic.

Yes, OP it's bloody irritating. My daughter hasn't got autism, but she has arthritis, so I can relate. Last year, she was really ill with it - crutches / wheelchair some days, others when she just couldn't get out of bed. The number of people who would see her on a good day and tell me "she doesn't seem ill" or "but she looks so well". It was as though they didn't believe she was really sick. When of course, they only saw her looking well / coping fine because we don't leave the house on a bad day!