"he doesn't look autistic""doesn't seem asd/adhd just strong willed etc" and other gems, why on earth do people say these things to parents? or similar?

[staydazzling]

Thank god its a good while since someone said this to me, as i dont pander. But ive heard of other friends with SEN or online groups that this kind of thing is still rife, "well meaning relatives" suggesting these after seeing said and handful of times each year , i do remember those really awkward, wtf kind of conversations with well meaning people, but why do people do it? Aswell as often making the person look foolish or uninformed i find its its quite arrogant actually and carries an assumption they know better than you. I do appreciate some people might feel they are being helpful but i suspect its a small group.

Tbf Fidgety some people do grow out of ADHD.

Not quite the same but my son has Down syndrome. We were told quite often when he was a baby that it must just be “a touch of Downs” or “mild Downs” as you can’t really tell by looking at him!

fantastic replies on here better than i could articulate. another one ive personally found is people who do have significantly SEN children who are like "my child is so severe yours cant possibly be"

bumbleymummy - the diagnostic criteria literally include the terms 'limit and impair everyday function' under one set of criteria or 'these abnormalities are a pervasive feature of an individuals functioning at all times' under the other. So its seems very odd to get a diagnosis if all is fine all the time.

There is a mid-understanding about ‘high functioning autism’. It just means average or above average IQ. Not that the person with ASD is high functioning in life generally. My DD is very bright and articulate but has 1 to 1 at secondary school. On a good day you wouldn’t see the ASD, on a bad day take cover.

See, this is the issue though, some people with ASD can and do function perfectly well and yet still received a diagnosis.

Having difficulties with x,y,z doesn't mean you can't do them at all , that's where the spectrum comes in. Some people can't cope with it at all, some can in certain (controlled) circumstances and situations , some can't but mask well and have a meltdown later , some do too much of it to the point it's inappropriate or unsafe and so on.

They all have difficulties, the spectrum is about how much and how they manage it.

bumble ds is considered high functioning but is not functioning well at all. He is 15 and his late diagnosis has meant that things have fallen apart. It was first suggested to us when he was 4 that there was a problem.

His diagnosis letter states autism spectrum disorder. It's obvious within a minute or so or meeting Ds that he has significant communication problems. I think he absolutely needs this diagnosis as an explanation of why he finds life so terribly hard at times. He may be high functioning and an intelligent young man but he struggles to find an unfamiliar room at school, would not be able go in a shop alone or be able to use public transport and has so many other issues. His 'high functioning' autism has a huge impact on his life. There is also no support for him either.

Oh god YANBU so stupid of people. My friend gets told alot that because her son coped with something (e.g. swimming pool, party, etc) if he has a meltdown a different day he's ding it on purpose because he can obviously cope as he's done it before.

I’ve started getting this from family since my DS’ paediatrician mentioned that he should be assessed when possible for ASD. I get all sorts of weird ‘reasons’ why he can’t possibly be Autistic and the ignorance is mind boggling. I’m still at the point of trying to educate them as best I can why ‘but he’s so cuddly and affectionate’, ‘he’s got no problem with eye contact’ and ‘he eats almost any food you give him’ aren’t good counter arguments.

Thankfully my HV is a good one and I get to speak to her about it as he’s only two so quite far off on a diagnosis, but I want to arm myself with as much information as possible so I know I’m doing the best I can as his Mum. I just wish the rest of my family would do the same as they overwhelm him when they visit and don’t see his subtle indicators that he’s struggling so I have a battle and a half to calm him down when they leave. I think there’s a fear of ASD for those who have no direct experience.

The worst comment I got was “what will you do if he is” said in a pitying tone - I got so angry I could barely articulate that he’s my Son, so as always I will do whatever is best for him and a diagnosis isn’t going to immediately change who he is or change him from who he is right now. Sorry I’m rambling a bit but thank you @staydazzling for starting this thread. It’s been helpful in a weird sort of way to know it’s not just my experience. I just wish it wasn’t anybody’s.

I have both DH and DM telling me I've "improved a lot" or I'm "much happier". I've "improved" because you've mostly stopped being an arsehole and blaming me for the friction in the house which is caused by DS2's ADHD and DD's not modifying her behaviour to calm him down, and I was always happy, you'd arrive and make me unhappy by winding DS2 up and then blaming me.

I still have to have my phone on DND between 1.45pm and 11.40am because DM will insist on ringing between those hours when I'm either busy with DS2 or trying to get him to settle/stay asleep.

Because they are ignorant and they dont walk in your shoes. I was told by a 'friend' when DS was dx with ADHD that ADHD doesn't exit in France. Ie it's made up bollocks. Ugh just fuck off with your 2 perfect children.

Yes I get this all the time with my son.

"But he looks so normal"

"Are you sure?"

"Who diagnosed him? I would get a second opinion"

"Will they follow up because I don't think there's anything wrong with him" Well thank you for your professional input. This has been 6 years getting to this stage

"That's just kids being kids"

My brother always used to call me a retard and recently said that 'everyone has a bit of autism' and went on to say that even people with one leg can work, so why am i any different. I am NC with him now.

I think it’s harsh to say people are being malicious or stupid for making some of these comments, when in many cases, they spring from a lack of education and knowledge, not nastiness. My adult DD has severe OCD. No, she doesn’t like cleaning. No, she doesn’t constantly wash her hands. No, her bedroom isn’t tidy with things all lined up - it’s quite the opposite , disgustingly so. But that’s what people have heard about OCD. They don’t understand that it is a constant mental battle against the voices in her head, which tell her, 24 hours a day (and I mean 24!) that if she doesn’t do a certain thing a certain number of times, then something awful will happen for which she will be responsible. So she doesn’t sleep much, has massive panic attacks, still lives at home.
But getting arsy with people who say “ I bet her bedroom is really tidy” or “ she doesn’t look like she has OCD” doesn’t achieve anything.
I only understand it now because I live with her. As parents we learn all about our child’s illness and become well informed on it, because we have to be. If you don’t live with someone with autism, or depression, or OCD then no wonder you don’t understand it.

NaviSprite, my son is very affectionate and this gets trotted out as a reason why he can't possibly have autism. Because they all watched Big Bang Theory and know autistic people don't like to be touched.

I like to point out that my son has no boundaries when it comes to hugging. He will hug everyone. He will climb onto a complete strangers lap and give them a big snuggled in cuddle. Which was adorable at 4, is becoming less so at 7, and no doubt will freak people the fuck out if we dont manage to explain boundaries to him before he turns 9.

Everyone knows the sensory avoiding side of autism, not everyone knows the sensory seeking side. My son hugs because he is looking for that sensory feedback. I've heard an autistic person explain it as feeling like you are sort of floating through the world and sometimes you need that sensory contact to pull you back in.

Goodness me, I’m now worried as I’ve used this expression but not in meaning any of the interpretations here but with my friend who has a number of mh issues, and when she’s apologising about her routines/slightly ifc the wall behaviour I say it to reassure her not to diminish the problem but to show that I’m cool with it and her friend no matter what, she always said she finds my reassurance and acceptance really kind but have I been doing it wrong?

I think these types of comments often come from people (usually grandparents) who know exactly how bad or severe the diagnosis / behaviour problems are but want to live in a bubble that it can’t be that bad. It’s often a case of you’re my blood so you can’t be disabled or different from the other kids — at an extreme level in a lot of Indian families kids with ‘moderate’ SEN /SN are often pushed really hard to achieve. But you can understand it there because there’s no welfare state so parents need their kids to be able to support themselves somehow. It’s not as explainable here.

"Everyone is a bit autistic" is one I really hate. Especially when it comes from so called professionals.

"He's fine with me" (so it must be something you're doing. No, he's masking for you because you are not in his "safe" circle)

"There's nothing wrong with her, she's absolutely fine" said her Auntie who sees her for about 6 hours a year. I agree that there's nothing "wrong" with her but she is autistic and that comes with some challenges that you, mother of an NT child, have no idea how fucking hard it is!

"They must have it mild" There's no such thing as mild autism. There's masking, meaning that YOU experience it mildly. Us "safe people" don't!!!

I think it comes from an (extremely!) outdated idea that people with "things wrong with them" don't have a place in normal society and ought to be hidden away in institutions.

Bluntly, what they mean is "He doesn't look like a freak". Which is extremely telling about their attitude towards anyone they do think has a visible intellectual disability. They're reassuring you that they don't feel that way about your child, which would be nice except that it's entirely repellant. But since they assume that everyone (including you) shares their vile attitude this is lost on them.

Even more annoying though is the strangers who can diagnose an ASC on a 5 second flat observation. Strange how the professionals with their years of training and experience often take years to reach the same conclusion.