"he doesn't look autistic""doesn't seem asd/adhd just strong willed etc" and other gems, why on earth do people say these things to parents? or similar?

[staydazzling]

Thank god its a good while since someone said this to me, as i dont pander. But ive heard of other friends with SEN or online groups that this kind of thing is still rife, "well meaning relatives" suggesting these after seeing said and handful of times each year , i do remember those really awkward, wtf kind of conversations with well meaning people, but why do people do it? Aswell as often making the person look foolish or uninformed i find its its quite arrogant actually and carries an assumption they know better than you. I do appreciate some people might feel they are being helpful but i suspect its a small group.

@Yesterdayallmyfish I think you raise a good point. Many people don't know what autism is. Or their knowledge is vague and informed by Rainman.

I don't think all the abbreviations help. For many people it's all a bit unknown and confusing.

The comments received show that people are very misinformed. I suspect the vast majority of ignorant comments are just that - ignorant and not malicious.

Sorry @Yesterdayallmyfish I meant to quote @Blackbear19

Drives me mad. Ds has a blue badge and we often get “he doesn’t look disabled” - he did once lift his shirt to show his feeding tube!

Apparently Ds can’t be autistic because he can talk (still under SALT at 10) because he looks at people, because he doesn’t wear tracksuit bottoms (this made me most.

In a time when much is being done to raise awareness of invisible disabilities there sure is still a lot of ignorance

What Gindaddy said. It actually offends me when people make out they don’t think my son has Autism because if they knew how it affects him, how much harder it makes everything for him, what it’s like for us as a family, the meetings and appointments we’ve attended where I’ve had to struggle with my child and the long, long waits to even get those appointments... They would probably blink at me and say “but why put yourself and him through all that when there’s nothing wrong him?” Because they’re ignorant arseholes.

I don't mind it so much from relatives or friends, as they are uninformed, as was I before I had 2 children with autism.

But when it comes from professionals who work with your children, who should be fully trained, and also should behave in a professional manner and not come out with uneducated shite - that's when it makes me really angry

We had the "Really? I don't see that" response from a few people. Well no you don't because

1. you only see her once every few months
2. you have no idea of the managing that I do to ensure she copes
3. you aren't qualified to 'see' it

We have this all the time too, from friends, family, even education professionals who should know better. I have Aspergers (late diagnosis in 30s), eldest has dyspraxia, youngest ASD, ADHD, Dyspraxia, but is extremely bright, high functioning, but very high level of need.
‘But he looks normal’ (FFS, as if having a disability makes you ‘abnormal’)
‘Are you going to hit me?’ (Said by a teacher - not my children’s thank god - when I explained there’s a strong genetic link in my family and that I have Aspergers too)

• ‘I think we should look at changing your responsibilities’ (at work when I told my line manager I was being referred for diagnosis - that one, amongst other discriminatory behaviours from said manager - cost the company a LOT of money)

Parents at school have complained about my youngest having ft 1-1, even though if he didn’t, it would impact the whole class. Some have even refused to contribute to TA gifts at end of year because of it. Fortunately the kids in the class are a lot kinder than some of the parents.

"He makes eye contact and answers questions appropriately so he's not autistic." From my fucking GP, who completely ignored the page long list of concerns I gave her.

YANBU.
What does Autism look like?

The thing that really gets to me is: "We didn't have all these disorders in my day".
No, children just suffered, where labelled as thick or naughty, and didn't get any extra help.

The thing that really boils my piss in British life is that there are people who instead of saying

"I didn't know what the signs of autism are. Tell me about your DS/DD. I want to understand".

Instead say this

"But he/she doesn't look like they have autism. They seem normal to me. Why the fuss?"

Intelligent people ask questions to further understanding.

Insecure, bitter, strange folk tend to make unequivocal pronouncements, designed purely to make the recipient question some aspect of their life or feel a bit uncomfortable.

Ugh.

SIL said of DS (from his school photo) he looks so normal. Yes, you can't see the quad cerebral palsy and wheelchair. Just fuck off.

LadyCop I hear ya. My then 3 year old son was shouted at when we went to a SALT appointment because he wouldn’t sit down and play the little game she had set up for him and wanted to run and crawl and climb on things, with me behind him trying to calm him down and stop him hurting himself or breaking anything. I had told her he wouldn’t play with this game but she was insistent he had to. It was age appropriate so that was that. Once she shouted at him, I shoved him back in his buggy and we left.

The practice nurse said it to my husband stand about Ds (he doesn’t look autistic) straight after he’d been asked to leave his secondary school.

Yanbu.

There's so much ignorance around Autism. GPS are useless too, autism can only really be diagnosed and understood by specific trained people.

I have a friend who is a social worker, works with families with 'problem children'. Her opinion is that ADHD doesn't exist and it's down to bad parenting and poor diet It took all my strength to stop myself saying something to her, she knows fine my ds has ADHD.

My sister is a teacher, she's an 'odd' character, I suspect she has autism herself. She also refuses to believe ADHD exists in my son. She'd rather say he's a 'little shit' than open her mind to the spectrum of ASD.

It's mostly because people's understanding and experiences of autism are limited or based on stereotypes. It's either quirky genius type or rocking in a corner/violent and destructive.

Ignorance can be excused up to a point, it's no hardship to do some reading, ask questions etc if you really want to understand. But most people would rather be lazy and keep spouting platitudes and stereotypes. The worst ones are the ones that they use the little they know as facts and argument as to why they're right and you're wrong. No excuses there,they're simply twats.

Just as bad as some people suggesting autism for any type of unwanted behaviour.

Get this all the time, from both sets of parents, ds grandparents. So frustrating.

Basically what @Grasspigeons said. I hate when people downplay my worries with "he's fine, stop stressing", or say "he doesn't look autistic". That's because we've spent years since his diagnosis adapting our lives, our schedule, we forward plan everything, we isolate ourselves a lot. You get to see the end result of literally hours and hours of work. Of me being 10 steps ahead at all times.

“Is he good at maths” is a common assumption.

Oh and amazement he can read.

I always remember what I was told by Ds reception teacher when we first started the diagnosis process “once you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism” . Nobody assumes that every ‘nurotypical’ person is the same as everyone else so why is the same not applied to the rest of society? A diagnosis doesn’t stop them being an individual

I don’t have a child with ASD but there is so much information around ASD these days there really is no excuse for people to be so stupid.

I think it's borne out of the need to criticise the parent.
As in, "he doesn't look autistic so he's probably just misbehaving because you're a shit parent".
Sometimes it's also that the person feels superior, like they know best and in their judgement child can't possibly have special needs, so doesn't.

Tbh what I find harder to bear is when I'm out in public and people don't know DS has autism; all I get is very judgy looks when he is "misbehaving". That's when I'd like to shout, "He's autistic FFS!" just so they stop staring.
still a bit traumatised from taking DS to the christingle service at church

@Stormbaby

I truly believe certain people try and downplay your life experience because it gives you "attention".

It's that pathetic - they don't want you to discuss something emotional or uncomfortable, they just want you to be the same as them.

It's unreal how little emotional intelligence there is in society at times. Helping someone with autism takes extraordinary energy and work, this should just be respected, acknowledged etc.

Trying to disprove someone's life is the very mark of the inadequate IMHO.

If I have a penny for every time! Even with diagnosis people will comment on how my ds seems "normal" how you'd never know. Really?! Fucking REALLY?!

My 17 year old has really bad adhd - I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told - it didn’t exist in my day -
And - he will probably grow out of it .

My other son has autism - people often say - but he looks so normal! And it’s not a proper disability.
I’ve had that shouted at me in an airport by a stranger when I was in the disabled line .

I just ignore such pathetic comments nowadays. Those people are just plain ignorant and not worth my response.

Just ignore unless it's someone close to you. I even get this at my sons SEN school. Are you sure he has ASD? Um yes that's why hes here.... he can read and write um no, he really cant. A dr diagnosed him at 3 so I go with that rather than someone who catches a occasional glimpse at him thanks

Can I add “oh but you don’t want to label him/he do you? He/she is so young.”

Fuck. Off. My child’s diagnosis is not just a fucking label. Name it or not, autism exists.