"he doesn't look autistic""doesn't seem asd/adhd just strong willed etc" and other gems, why on earth do people say these things to parents? or similar?

[staydazzling]

Thank god its a good while since someone said this to me, as i dont pander. But ive heard of other friends with SEN or online groups that this kind of thing is still rife, "well meaning relatives" suggesting these after seeing said and handful of times each year , i do remember those really awkward, wtf kind of conversations with well meaning people, but why do people do it? Aswell as often making the person look foolish or uninformed i find its its quite arrogant actually and carries an assumption they know better than you. I do appreciate some people might feel they are being helpful but i suspect its a small group.

I tend to agree with Sirzy.

If people need more understanding of what spectrum means they can google the definition. Otherwise ASD does exactly what it says on the tin.

You don't see people with glasses being called "high functioning blind".

My aunt says these things because whatever I say must be wrong. Actually CAMHS and I are the only people doing right by DS2 at the moment.

I do sometimes wonder if some of these people are on the spectrum as well. There must be thousands of undiagnosed adults. Maybe the cannot see what the view as normal. I have not used Autism/ASD as a descriptor for DS for 10 years. It’s too big of a spectrum that it provides little information.

My son is 17 and autistic with ADHD plus a couple of other issues.

If I had £1 for every time I’d heard these shit comments I’d be a millionaire.

A lot has come from family....“he’s strong willed”, “you need to be firmer with him” “he doesn’t seem autistic...and I work with autistic children” (yeah course you do luv) .

I am so thick skinned now I no longer notice if strangers comment or look.

Have survived and so has DS....he’s doing well at 17 and about to start a special needs sixth form college. Despite all the comments about him not being autistic etc etc (yawn) he still needs significant support.

The family have mostly shut up these days and not before time.

I actually think I do function pretty well. I don't have problems in day to day life. The only difference is that I don't fit in, but I stopped trying when I was 25. It bothers my family, it no longer bothers me.

I do sometimes wonder if some of these people are on the spectrum as well

Oh yes indeed...not looking at YOU dear BIL at all who thinks my son is badly parented.

Proceed up his drive looking at all the broken down cars, bikes and miscellaneous machinery he buys.... all stored/abandoned in the woodlands surrounding the house. ...usually I am humming the theme tune to Steptoe and Son!

@BlankTimes That’s my point, some people can and do function well in certain circumstances while others can not. Not everyone presents the same or has the same problems in the same areas. So if your experience is that the person you know with ASD does not find a particular thing difficult (and no, I don’t mean they’re masking, I mean that they don’t actually find a certain situation challenging) then you may not appreciate that other people who also have ASD may not experience it the same way. It’s why I said that I didn’t think bundling everyone together is necessarily the best thing. I see that other, more recent posters have said the same thing about changing labels to perhaps give more clarity.

From my experiences, it seems to come from complete and utter ignorance about what adhd actually is, and to a lesser extent the ignorance towards coping strategies and the effort it takes to implement them.

People find it surprising that I don't exhibit the symptoms they have incorrectly decided are the main issues, and exhibit symptoms/ behaviour that don't fit their stupid criteria, despite being classic adhd.

Plus the assumption we're all a homogeneous group, with the same personality, lifestyle, interests, skills, weaknesses etc.

My favourites are
'But you're so observant and notice every detail'
Yes, because I don't have any filter you fuckwit, I just happen to have a memory that can usually store most of that surplus info and a career where that's a blessing rather than a hindrance.

'But haven't you grown out of it?' Yes, because your cousins neighbours Aunt was dx as a child, didn't sleep for a year on Ritalin and now doesn't have adhd anymore. Obviously we all grow nt brains at 18.

'But when you're doing x a bomb wouldn't distract you'. Yes, hyper focus clearly wasn't mentioned in any of the armchair self dx experiences you've enlightened yourself with.

'But you're so laidback and calm when it's chaotic/ in a crisis' Yes dickhead, because that's incredibly common in adhd, and fairly self explanatory if you knew anything about what adhd actually is.

And my all time favourite, the fact I'm fairly well organised and don't lose my keys/ phone. Cos naturally they are the main criteria for armchair self dx, so anyone with a dx from childhood should exhibit them. Rather than the fact rigid routine and physical organisation, helped by a surplus of energy and little need for sleep, are my main coping strategies to balance what's going on in my head.

Trainspotting my friend was told by "well meaning" relatives and friends that she can't possibly have ADHD because she's lazy and doesn't like going out.

I’m a SEN teacher, at the dinner table my Dad asks how my job is going, how many do you have in your class? 6. 6??!!! I thought you had 28 they must be really bad. Do you have a teaching assistant? yes I have two. Wow they must have really bad behaviour. No it’s not bad behaviour, they hate all severely autistic with learning difficulties and non verbal, they need a lot of supervision and care. What do you think causes it because there was none of this in my day? Do you think it’s drugs, cos their parents take drugs? No it’s more complex no one really knows probably genetic and it’s always been around, just that in your day they were locked away in institutions. Will they get better you know normal/grow out if it? No

I’ve also had family members screw up their faces and ask why I want to do that? What do I teach “them”? Do they hit me?

My pupils aren’t even my children but I’m so defensive of them, can’t imagine being a parent and having to fight their corner 24/7.

I've just heard exh say "oh don't be like that" to our ASD child

If only saying that cured everything ...

I’ve stopped telling people about my son’s adhd as I’ve been told ‘he can’t have THAT’ so many times and I don’t feel I should have to justify it. A lot of friends and family don’t think he’s got it because he’s not ‘naughty’ it makes me upset as he struggles so much at school and with his self esteem. This diagnosis (at the age of 11) has been really positive for him but some reactions have been awful

Latest from my family (DC1 has ADHD and ASD), DC2 is NT:

• ah, here's the good one (as DC2 comes in the room)
• are you still going through the difficult years for your mother (to DC1)
• you should try some vitamins with manganese in, it's just an imbalance (from my DB, with YouTube 'cure' videos on hand)

Just last week, I was told that DS doesn’t look like he has learning difficulties- “he seems just like everyone else!”

Yep, he prefers that we don’t tell everyone we meet, just letting those who need to know have the right information. He wants to make friends, do his own thing and asks for help when he needs us to step in. In this case we did need to step in as he was being hassled to do something he simply couldn’t do.

I had a friend who was into alternative medicine (aka, woo) but it never really affected me so it was just one of those quirks people have. She messaged me the day after DS1 got his diagnosis to tell me how to cure him. A diet free from all processed foods and processed sugars, absolutely no screen time because blue light can cause neurological mutations, and while I shouldn't have vaccinated him at all (but she said didn't say anything at the time as she felt it was my choice) I shouldn't allow any further vaccines as they contain ingredients that "switch on" pre-existing autism genes. She recommended switching him to a high protein diet "immediately" and giving him omega-3 supplements alongside a strict routine and enforced behaviour expectations. Her nephew was apparently cured this way.

People can be batshit about this stuff.

I.wonder what she would say about my son HoHo he has autism and learning disabilities and an underlying chromosome deletion ,do you think she has a cure to grow back that missing piece of chromosome ?

He doesn't look autistic - that's because we dye his hair so he looks normal

There seems to be so many children diagnosed with autism - that's because back in your day they locked them away from judgy fuckers

Everyone is a little autistic - yes, just like everyone has a little bit cerebral palsy

Both comments soon shut idiots up.

You need some choice phrases for putting them straight.

Had from DM are you sure you have ADHD? Well feel free to disagree with the trained professional who diagnosed me.

Partly its generational. The older generation were told they needed to get on with it. Also lack of education.

You can have autistic traits or adhd traits but not meet the criteria for diagnosis. Thats not the case for me/my child etc.

My ds has a genetic condition, and complex needs as a result. We have had all the usual...."oh all children do that"...."he doesn't look like there's anything wrong with him"....."but it's not a proper syndrome like Downs is it?"...."but he is so cute though!"......"you need to put 7 drops of almond oil in his drinking water at night, that will make him talk" (particularly crazy one!!)....and hundreds more.

Most of them are eye roll and sigh inducing, irritatingly thoughtless mutterings borne out of ignorance. However some of the shite that has been spouted by so called professionals is beyond forgiveness and makes my blood boil like lava.

more fantastic responses, yes professionals are mind boggling at times , Who on earth are the 21% thinking IBU?

Probably the "awww well meaning" brigade.

^I like to point out that my son has no boundaries when it comes to hugging. He will hug everyone. He will climb onto a complete strangers lap and give them a big snuggled in cuddle. Which was adorable at 4, is becoming less so at 7, and no doubt will freak people the fuck out if we dont manage to explain boundaries to him before he turns 9.

Everyone knows the sensory avoiding side of autism, not everyone knows the sensory seeking side. My son hugs because he is looking for that sensory feedback. I've heard an autistic person explain it as feeling like you are sort of floating through the world and sometimes you need that sensory contact to pull you back in.^

SisterSistine that describes DS2 perfectly. He’s 6, has no clue about boundaries. He seeks physical contact constantly, either from people or objects. He’ll run hands through hair, stroke woolly jumpers, sometimes deliberately hurt himself just to get that sensory input. He’s extremely boisterous, always jumping and throwing himself about and people just stare at him with horrified expressions.

That's why it's a spectrum. I think the touching thing shows it the best.

At one end you have the children that can't bear any touch and lash out,hide,freeze etc when contact is made. At the opposite side you have the children that excessively seek it out from anyone,in any situation to the point of being inappropriate, even dangerous or uncomfortable for others. Then there's anything in between.

I.also don't like the oh it's so sad types ,yes my son would be considered low functioning and he's non verbal.but he's also a,well loved child who brings us a lot of joy ,,when we first got the diagnosis it was a grieving for the child " we should have had" proces s but it's not a tragedy I'm proud of all his achievements however small they might seem to others

The lady who diagnosed my child with autism, said in the feedback meeting "As soon as (DC's name) walked into the room I could tell there was something different about her"