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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL is taking over!

87 replies

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:31

Me and DP have only been together a few months and I already feel like I'm going crazy with his mum. I've got two kids from a previous who stay with their dad due to my health issues and MIL appeared to be accepting of this at first.

Now all I get is barbed comments about how DP has to support me, (I'm on an apprenticeship and have another 6 months to go), about how shes surprised I'm allowed to do payments at work because in her eyes all apprentices are fuck ups (even though her own husband was an apprentice!), she bullied DP into buying a house in a town that has no public transport links so that he is close to her, and when hes said he wants to renovate the house and rent somewhere temporarily with me while does the work she gets his sister to buy him a puppy for Christmas, despite knowing my DD is deathly allergic to dogs, and then tells him he is going to have to spend every night at hers so he can bond with the dog and that if I want any future with him I'll have to sell my cat.

Then the cherry on top of the cake came yesterday. I get xmas is fraught with tension but DS was rushed into hospital with pneumonia and put on a ventilator. She then kicked off as did his dad, because I wanted to spend Christmas Night at my house because its half the distance to the hospital than theirs. She goes to me oh it's always something with you isn't it? I don't see why you'd want to stay near DS when DP needs to be here to bond with his puppy. The puppy that DP told her he didn't even want because he doesn't see himself as being in the right place to get a pet until next year at the earliest, and he told her this before she got the dog.

And then I've been put on a pretty much vegan diet by my consultant for 3 months while they see whether theres issues with certain nutrient levels or if its MS I've got, and she spent all lunch time yesterday shoveling things like the creamiest mash onto my plate or ice cream on top of my dessert when I'd actually bought along my own vegan bits so she wouldn't have to go to any further expense.

I'm just sick of it all. I'm trying to better myself by doing this apprenticeship, I'm freaking out about the diagnosis that might be upcoming, and trying to sort somewhere for me and DP to rent by the end of the month, and all she does is order him to go round to the house.

DP has told her before when shes sat there on the phone slagging me off to high heaven that I can hear every word shes saying, and she just goes oh well I don't care if she hears! DP has told me to stop treating her like the enemy when I had a breakdown over how she told me DV doesn't exist even though I've spent a year of my life in a refuge in the past so I know damn well it does exist.

AIBU for not wanting to spend any time with her anymore?

OP posts:
GinNsnowmen · 26/12/2019 19:31

God she sounds full on

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2019 19:34

Why on earth has she become so entrenched in your relationship? Confused Does he live with her?

RibenaMonsoon · 26/12/2019 19:36

Wow, I wouldn't be putting up with that OP.
I'd have no trouble going NC with someone constantly sagging me off. If she questions it then your DP can remind her that you could hear the conversations and she apparently didn't care. Perhaps she should have.

Ffsnosexallowed · 26/12/2019 19:37

You've only been with dp a few months??

Nicknacky · 26/12/2019 19:37

This is a boyfriends of a few months mother. It sounds so full on, why is that? I don’t even think I met my boyfriends mum until we had been seeing each other for a good while.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 19:39

It’s only been a few months! Cut and run. Your DP is a willing participant- not an innocent victim in this dynamic. He may whinge but he’s doing nothing to change it. If you stay then put up and shut up as this is how it will be forever.

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:39

@pinkyredrose No he doesn't. He lives in the same village as her atm which he says he only did because she made him.
I met her about six weeks into our relationship and before that she hadn't made any comments about him wanting to spend time with me, but now it's like she can't stand it!
Even on the first time I met her she insisted on dyeing my hair and we had to argue with her saying I didn't want dark red hair (mines dyed ginger) and she then said if I wasn't doing that I'd have to let his sister cut my hair.
Feels like ever since I've met her she wants to control every little thing.

OP posts:
DidILeaveTheGasOn · 26/12/2019 19:39

You've only been together a few months. This sounds like a disaster. Why is she so - as pp put it, entrenched in your lives? Where are your boundaries? Where is the sanity? What are you doing to protect yourself and your children?

I would be out of this in a shot. Your dp sounds like a wet sock. His mum buys him a dog and keeps the dog at her house and gets dp to move home? Is everyone in this story high?

churchandstate · 26/12/2019 19:39

She doesn’t sound great, but as a mum I would raise my own eyebrows if my son was supporting someone completely after a relationship of only a few months. You may have to live with her scepticism about you for a while.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 26/12/2019 19:40

She dyed your HAIR?!

Oh for goodness sake.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 26/12/2019 19:44

OP god bless you lovely lady..you dont need any of that crap at all...dump the lot of them ..him included if he cannot put firm boundaries in place. You cant be having that shit all the time ....Either that or tell her who the fuck do you think you are? get out of my face.You can have him without them but only if he is on board too...and the puppy sadly needs to go too.

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:46

Hes not entirely supporting me, I was able to manage to pay for everything on the apprentice wage with a small universal credit top up, but we had an issue at work where the wages info was sent to HMRC twice in one period which meant the UC was stopped, and my bills were increased by over 400 a month. So instead of having money I spare I'm now short each month.
That said I did go straight to DWP with 3 months wage slips and bank statements to prove I was still only earning the apprentice wage, and they've sent it all to a decision maker who has 8 weeks to make a decision, and I will then have to reapply for UC after that apparently.

If it wasn't for that happening DP wouldn't have been supporting me at all, and I've kept note of exactly how much hes spent so I can pay every penny back when things get sorted out

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 26/12/2019 19:48

Yanbu tobe pissed off but Yabu to be calling her mil after a couple of months

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 19:48

It sounds like you all get way over involved way too soon. Recipe for disaster.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 26/12/2019 19:52

I'd escape this relationship, he is clearly in a relationship with his mother and if he does not support you in this little war of hers, then it will be a tough future for you. He should never listen to his mother slag you off or let that happen, it's not very thoughtful at all.

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:53

She even told me that after I had a seizure at college I had to put her down as my next of kin on everything so she could know instantly if anything happened. I told her no offence but my mum is my next of kin and will remain so unless I end up marrying someone.

OP posts:
ProfessionalBoss · 26/12/2019 19:55

"And then I've been put on a pretty much vegan diet by my consultant for 3 months while they see whether theres issues with certain nutrient levels or if its MS I've got"

I've got really quite severe MS, an mri and lumbar puncture are used to diagnose the disease, and neither I nor any of the many friends I've made at the hospital over the years have ever changed our diet to obtain a diagnosis... Is your neurologist a specialist in multiple sclerosis? If not I'd honestly recommend you ask to see one.

As for your partners mother, you can't cure stupidity, but hopefully you can learn to laugh at it and walk (run) away... xXx

Jokie · 26/12/2019 19:55

This is giving you all the signals you need to run a thousand miles in the opposite direction

EKGEMS · 26/12/2019 19:56

Haha your BF's mommy "made him move into the same village without public transport" Your BF and you are just powerless victims,right? No he's an adult and so are you-you can chose to spend time there or not. You can choose to be disrespected or not. She's not the master of the universe here choose to engage or not. Set some boundaries

OccasionalNachos · 26/12/2019 19:56

Disengage completely. There is no need to be so involved with a new boyfriend’s family.

PinkiOcelot · 26/12/2019 19:57

I think I’d be calling it a day with him tbh. This would be your life for years to come.

Chunkers · 26/12/2019 19:58

Forget it, he’s never going to grow a pair.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 19:58

I’m willing to bet the entire contents of my fridge freezer (it’s stuffed) that DP will tell you not to worry about paying him back and then, once he has you living with him, in his mother’s village, totally financially dependant on him, having to put up with her crap, he will throw it back in your face how he has supported you. There’s something about you that you dont stand up for yourself and he, and his family, can see it. He doesn’t stand up for you either. Get out now OP.

Tombliwho · 26/12/2019 19:58

This all sounds far too heavy for just a few months worth of relationship. I think it'll end it tears.

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:58

@ProfessionalBoss according to our NHS page my consultant specialises in the neurological complications of head injury, diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, neuropsychological complication of neurological illness in particular Parkinson’s disease and medically unexplained neurological symptoms. I'll definitely have an ask about seeing someone else though :-)

OP posts:
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