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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is taking over!

87 replies

StressHead25 · 26/12/2019 19:31

Me and DP have only been together a few months and I already feel like I'm going crazy with his mum. I've got two kids from a previous who stay with their dad due to my health issues and MIL appeared to be accepting of this at first.

Now all I get is barbed comments about how DP has to support me, (I'm on an apprenticeship and have another 6 months to go), about how shes surprised I'm allowed to do payments at work because in her eyes all apprentices are fuck ups (even though her own husband was an apprentice!), she bullied DP into buying a house in a town that has no public transport links so that he is close to her, and when hes said he wants to renovate the house and rent somewhere temporarily with me while does the work she gets his sister to buy him a puppy for Christmas, despite knowing my DD is deathly allergic to dogs, and then tells him he is going to have to spend every night at hers so he can bond with the dog and that if I want any future with him I'll have to sell my cat.

Then the cherry on top of the cake came yesterday. I get xmas is fraught with tension but DS was rushed into hospital with pneumonia and put on a ventilator. She then kicked off as did his dad, because I wanted to spend Christmas Night at my house because its half the distance to the hospital than theirs. She goes to me oh it's always something with you isn't it? I don't see why you'd want to stay near DS when DP needs to be here to bond with his puppy. The puppy that DP told her he didn't even want because he doesn't see himself as being in the right place to get a pet until next year at the earliest, and he told her this before she got the dog.

And then I've been put on a pretty much vegan diet by my consultant for 3 months while they see whether theres issues with certain nutrient levels or if its MS I've got, and she spent all lunch time yesterday shoveling things like the creamiest mash onto my plate or ice cream on top of my dessert when I'd actually bought along my own vegan bits so she wouldn't have to go to any further expense.

I'm just sick of it all. I'm trying to better myself by doing this apprenticeship, I'm freaking out about the diagnosis that might be upcoming, and trying to sort somewhere for me and DP to rent by the end of the month, and all she does is order him to go round to the house.

DP has told her before when shes sat there on the phone slagging me off to high heaven that I can hear every word shes saying, and she just goes oh well I don't care if she hears! DP has told me to stop treating her like the enemy when I had a breakdown over how she told me DV doesn't exist even though I've spent a year of my life in a refuge in the past so I know damn well it does exist.

AIBU for not wanting to spend any time with her anymore?

OP posts:

PickAChew · 26/12/2019 19:59

Observe now that she is getting away with all of this and when she says jump, your DP merely asks how high.

This is clearly not the life you want to lead. I would seriously reconsider your relationship.

itswinetime · 26/12/2019 20:01

Then the cherry on top of the cake came yesterday. I get xmas is fraught with tension but DS was rushed into hospital with pneumonia and put on a ventilator

Your son was rushed to hospital on Christmas Eve and put on a ventilator? Have I got that right? If so why are you letting these people into your head right now! I find it odd that your more bothered about a puppy or the fact she wasn't respecting your vegan diet, when that is all small stuff if the can't support you when you child is ventilated in hospital they aren't worth your time. But maybe I have got that wrong and you meant something else. My advice is focus on your son and if your dp won't stand up to his mother and support you! Why are you with him! End the relationship and find someone else.

Livingoncake · 26/12/2019 20:03

If your DP won’t stand up to his mother, then it won’t get better. I think you should leave them both to it for your own sanity.

I will never understand what some women find attractive about men who are cowed by their mothers, but there seem to be a lot of them on Mumsnet.

MotherOfLittlePeople · 26/12/2019 20:05

If he won't stand up to his mother now, he never will, trust me.

I think all this will end in tears like a previous poster said. End it now unless he starts telling her to F off

TopOftheNaughtyList · 26/12/2019 20:06

Your DP doesn't sound as though he's able to stand up to his mother. She 'made him' buy a house in a remote town, he accepted a puppy he doesn't want and couldn't have living with him if he cohabited with you. If he is not able to tell her no then I'd get out now if I was you because things won't get any better.

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2019 20:06

I’m telling you now this will end badly.

Your partner isn’t supportive, allows his mother to control him and has no backbone.

This will just get worse.

Tell them both to ‘fuck off’ and carry on single. You will never be good enough for her and she’ll undermine you at every juncture. Until your partner properly stands up to her no one has a real chance.

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2019 20:08

I will never understand what some women find attractive about men who are cowed by their mothers, but there seem to be a lot of them on Mumsnet

Me either and I’m always stunned by how many men are ‘forced’ to do things by a domineering mother.

Donkeysdragonbaby · 26/12/2019 20:09

If your son was rushed to hospital why would you even give a flying fuck about DP and his puppy? If it's only been a few months why would he even need to be away from his mother's house? Surely you should say 'I'm going to be with my son' and whatever anyone else says/ does is of no concern? If DP wanted to leave to be with you that's his problem, his row with his mother and any discussion about it should be met with 'I'm going to my son and whatever P does is up to him'?!

Whiskers14 · 26/12/2019 20:11

She's awful, but your DP is clearly her enabler. He's never going to have your back. Get the hell out before it's too late.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/12/2019 20:12

The correct response to her slagging you off on the phone is not 'she can hear you' (which implies it would be ok behind your back), but 'if you continue to slag off my partner I'm going to hang up'.

SleepWarrior · 26/12/2019 20:15

Oh come on, the only reason she has any negative presence in your life is because he doesn't feel her behaviour is an issue. He knows what she's like and the kind of things she'll say to you and still actively pursues a relationship with her to a level that allows you to be on the receiving end. He is not that bothered about how you feel or changing the unhealthy dynamic.

Run as fast as you can and protect your poor children, this is not the picture of 'family' that you want to paint for them.

Josette77 · 26/12/2019 20:18

You two are way too involved. You deal with your son and that's that. Shouldn't you have been over night at the hospital anyways with your DS?
You and DP barely know each other and you are fighting about his mum, and borrowing money from him. This will indeed end in tears. Your DS is a big boy who can move where he like a. None of this sounds healthy.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/12/2019 20:18

On your universal credit just reclaim it immediately its donr in real time so you will be entitled again immediately they will repay you if they owe you anything when they make their decision

Never sell a cat for a man

Your partner doesnt have to accept an animal as a gift it's his choice to do so and if he accepts the fog knowing your child is allergic he is not seeing a future with you

JorisBonson · 26/12/2019 20:22

You've been seeing him a few months, you're calling him your partner and his mum your mum in law?

You're way too involved this early in.

7Days · 26/12/2019 20:27

Why on earth is your son being rushed to hospital at Christmas a throwaway line when the bloody puppy gets more airtime?
Not trying to be a cow but you really need to sort out your priorities. He's only some bloke you've been seeing for a few months. Step back

TheReluctantCountess · 26/12/2019 20:27

How is your son now?

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2019 20:28

This thread is not adding up, but ok, I’ll play.

He should tell his dm to stfu if she’s slagging you off.

He should have refused the puppy, knowing your dd is seriously allergic.

Why did he move to her lack of public transport area?

He is enmeshed. He is deep in the FOG. He will not change, nor will she. Your life will be a nightmare if you continue with this relationship. Don’t have kids with him.

Marylou2 · 26/12/2019 20:32

Your child's on a ventilator and you're taking time to engage with strangers about your boyfriend's mother. Get your priorities right. They should be your children and your health. Step away from these people and focus on these 2 things. Don't concern yourself with men,cats,puppies, training courses. The whole vegan diet thing for neurological Conditions sounds bizarre. Did they give you a full clinical explanation of this?

Junie70 · 26/12/2019 20:33

Your focus should be your DC, and not someone you've only known a few months let alone his Mother. Your priorities are massively skewed.

doritosdip · 26/12/2019 20:35

You need to run. It's going to get worst and you need to protect your kids from his insanity because your partner certainly won't.

He's spineless and doesn't even protect you. If my mum was slagging off my partner I'd end the call and not tell her that partner can hear.

The relationship with her should be casual and easy at this stage of the relationship and as the only functional adult you need to stay stop and avoid all of this intense emotional drama.

carly2803 · 26/12/2019 20:38

she has not "made him do" anything ! He wont say no toher

RUN,i would not be staying in this relationship of a few months!!! not worth the shit!

WizardOfAus · 26/12/2019 20:40

You’ve been dating this guy 12 weeks, have known his mum 6 weeks and it’s already a fucking soap opera.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2019 20:41

Sounds to me as if this 'man' is still attached to his mother by the umbilical cord and has no real desire to change that situation.

He's not worth the trouble he's going to cause you. Do you really want to live the next 20-30-40 years of your life having to put up with this kind of shit?

SandAndSea · 26/12/2019 20:43

They gift a puppy at Christmas... She doesn't care that your child is in hospital... She doesn't care that you can hear her badmouthing you...

I would end your relationship with him asap.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2019 20:44

This is all kinds of weird. Way too early to think about a future with this guy, and it's unlikely to work anyway.

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