To complain about my neighbour's grandchildren?

[stirling]

Hi. I've got two teenagers, I'm a single mum and have an extremely debilitating health condition that keeps me running to the toilet about 5-9 times a night. This has been going on for the past 2.5 years and I'm a wreck from sleep deprivation.

Neighbours are a very lovely retired couple, we've had a good relationship for the past decade. Pindrop silence throughout the day, but by night - when my nerves are raw, they are neighbours from hell.

Every school holiday without fail, their grandkids come to stay the entire duration. Private school so nice, lengthy holidays! Two boys around 5/6 who used to tear around the house in their shoes on wooden floors yelling in excitement at 5.00 am despite me mentioning it politely, (and suggesting slipper socks) but now that they're older it's 7 am. They stampede for an hour, then Pindrop silence ALL DAY.

Occasionally their other kids come to stay with a huge dog that has the deepest bark and sets off in the night. I asked if they could let me know know in advance when the dog is staying over so I can sleep in my daughter's room (tiny bed) and it didn't go down too well.

DS (14) is longing for a lie in during the holidays. I understand that. I mostly go to the toilet on the hour up until 4am when my bladder finally empties and am desperate for a longer stretch.
Neighbours know about my health issues, their daughter is a consultant urologist.

In addition, they go away for several days during term time , but when they return every week, it's always at about 2am, banging wardrobe doors, stomping around. Our walls are paper thin, 30s semi.

I'm mentally going through a breakdown because of my health, currently contemplating having my bladder removed.

I've put up with the racket for years. I'm wary about asking them because they get upset. Don't want to spoil the relationship. My kids were toddlers once, they ran around but not during sleeping hours!
I'm all for noisy, happy kids during waking hours, but this is madness.

What should I do?

YABU and very PA to blast your music out.

Move

OP, there are posters who have made suggestions on here (me included) and you have not taken note or answered.

Your health problems sound truly awful but I do think your thinking is skewed and your NDNs are the ones who unfairly are receving your unreasonableness.

It's not fair to come on here... start an AIBU, and then not take anything on board. Ear plugs? White noise machine? Move bedrooms permanently?

From your last post, are you saying they deliberately run around making a noise at 7am, but then choose to be completely silent during the day? You say they sit in silence. Perhaps they are out?
Because how can two children be completely silent during the day?

I do not mean to upset you further but I would reiterate that I think your health problems have skewed everything to the point of paranoia and maybe you could get some help for that?

I agree with PP that it is your sleep deprivation that is causing your issues.

What your neighbours are doing is normal but to you it will feel exaggerated behaviour and magnified.

Do you work? If not, can I suggest you make changes to your sleeping pattern and attempt to sleep 2-3 hours during the day when they are quiet?

My mum used to work nights and changed her sleeping pattern - it takes time to adjust but it is possible.

Do your own children not have to be up at normal time for school? Assuming they do and using your argument, your neighbours could very reasonably counter that they are disturbed at this hour when they want to sleep for 39 weeks of the year when you have at most 13 weeks probably more like 3 or 4 as I don't suppose for a minute they spend every single day of the holidays at grandparents

And if you want to play music in the day then of course you can but it might need to be a bit quieter than you'd like to take into account the paper thin walls. No need to be melodramatic and say you can never play music again or petty and play it intentionally loud

What about insulating your bedroom? Sleeping with ear plugs? Taking an afternoon nap? There are quite a lot of helpful suggestions here but the only thing that you update is "woe is me" posts. Yes, you're having a hard time. So are millions of other people. You should try to get past that and see if you can make your life easier in other ways.

I think that if this has become such an issue OP, you will have to move. Believe me, I know what sleep deprivation is like, I really do, but it sounds like they are living a relatively normal life. Unfortunately, you are not. But, and I mean this kindly, it's for you to sort out.

And you can buy headphones for your music system. Then you can listen to it as loud as you want without disturbing anyone. They also are available as cordless headphones.

YABU. But you knew that already. Ridiculous thread.

I suppose that unless someone else is experiencing the same level of sleep deprivation as I am, it's going to be hard to relate.

Series of head injuries means that I sleep for 20-40 mins at a time and have been like that for decades: I have AI arthritis with associated fatigue. I'm up a lot during the night and because there's so little background noise to drown it I try to be very careful not to create noise for others but I don't always succeed because the arthritis can make me clumsy.

OP, is it possible that you have some degree of misophonia? Or is it solely the early morning noise of the children?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hyperacusis/

You otherwise have such a good set of neighbours (and are one yourself) that it reads as if you'd be risking a very good set-up.

Your own kids are up at that time during term time - do they walk around in silence ? Buy some earplugs

I do wonder if your own children manage to get up and out without making any noise at all during term time. Your poor next door neighbours are having to put up with your children getting up 39 weeks of the year. I highly doubt if the walls are as thin as you appear to be describing that your children can get up and out without disturbing next doors peace. I think your next door neighbour should blast music out in the afternoon for 39 weeks of the year to make them feel better.

Children aren’t mute unfortunately and don’t sleep in until 12.

I have bad health problems, i have problems with sleeping and i can’t tolerate noise, but these are my problems.
Your neighbours sound very considerate of you.
1 hour every morning (yes it would be early for me too) then nothing is fantastic.
You have good neighbours, don’t lose sight of that. It’s hard having health problems, but you have good neighbours, don’t ruin your relationship with them.

when my nerves are raw, they are neighbours from hell.

much like when i get pmt everything around me seems hell. I'm sorry you are going through this but it doesn't appear to be your neighbours that are the problem.

Well op I hope you have taken on board at least some of the suggestions on this thread. I do sympathise with you and wouldn't like it either but it really is up to you to do something about it which won't involve falling out with neighbours - and I'm sure you will.

Actually I want to thank you for starting this thread. It has made me appreciate where I live; I had thought of moving, maybe in a year or so, but now I want to stay put because it is so private and quiet here - except in good weather when people have parties and barbecues in their gardens but that isn't every day and I don't mind that. Used to do the same. I'm usually invited anyway, don't always go.

So thanks and good luck.

OP, some final thoughts:
White noise (or brown noise if you like as I found it more soothing) can work wonders - takes a bit of getting used to but cancels out other sounds.
Earplugs (although I never got used to them).
Incontinence pants for night time. Sounds horrendous but I had to resort to them after birth of DD1 because I had zero bladder control. That way you could just wake up, wee and go straight back to sleep.
Consider soundproofing the wall that adjoins their house.

You could of course consider moving but if you are only going to end up in another semi you may find the noise gets worse.

Your neighbours are being OK. They are entitled to be up at 7am and return home whenever they please. They are not deliberately making noise to annoy you - you just have paper thin walls so you hear everything. They should stop the dog barking repeatedly at night if that is what he's doing.

But please listen to other posters who have said that this is not about your neighbours and all about horrendous sleep deprivation caused by your health issues. Keep banging on as many doors as you have to in order to get that sorted. Best of luck.

You’re sleep deprived and it’s miserable for you. Sleep is massive to our mental wellbeing, you’re making tiny things into massive issues because you’re so tired. Don’t bother your neighbours with this, they aren’t being unreasonable and you will sound unhinged. Sympathy for you though as you must be feeling awful.

7am is normal time. And sadly for those of us who work during the summer holiday I still have to leave the house at 6.45am to go to work so there will be noise. Until last year I had to take all the kids with me as well to go to holiday camp, but at least this year we have a babysitter who comes to the house so they can sleep longer.

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping, but noise at 7am is really normal.

Sorry OP your health issues sound terrible. I hope your doctors can find some way to help you as the sleep deprivation sounds awful. I do think it is probably amplifying the otherwise minor irritations of your neighbours normal noise in a semi.

You know you're being UR, but that's through sleep deprivation.

But you can't be certain that you don't disturb them too. You can't tell if you walking down the corridor at 2am doesn't cause them to wake, or the kitchen cupboard bangs against their wall when your kids are getting up for school and reverberates through the house. Our neighbours had a really irritating light that buzzed through into our house at one point. I'd been in their house. It wasn't audible there. But it sounded like a plane landing if they put it on at midnight, because there were no other noises.

If you know they're going to be noisy for an hour, then be quiet, make the most of it.
From 7-8am, go and have a bath/have a drink, read a book. Then when they quieten down again you can sleep for another 2-3 hours. Sounds blissful to me.

. I haven’t seen a single post where anyone has been “nasty” YABU they are living their normal lives.

@stirling Most people have been very kind and offered helpful advice. No one has been nasty or is slating you at all.

You clearly can't go on as you are, but as others have said, your neighbours seem to just be going about normal life. I'm really sorry you're going through this, sleep deprivation is horrendous.

I don't think there is anything you can do. I live in a semi and can hear our neighbours on the phone. I am sure they hate it when my grandkids come over but short of not allowing them to come over I don't know what I can do. Small children just are noisy even when they are not being difficult. And when they are tantrum ming they can scream! I do constantly remind them not to shout. But I feel I'm not able to enjoy them at all because of the constant worry they might upset the neighbours.

Their morning noise sounds normal. ‘Blasting out’ music is pure retaliation because you’re anting to be undisturbed for the other 1/24 hours they’re silent for? Blimey, talk about unreasonable.