To complain about my neighbour's grandchildren?

[stirling]

Hi. I've got two teenagers, I'm a single mum and have an extremely debilitating health condition that keeps me running to the toilet about 5-9 times a night. This has been going on for the past 2.5 years and I'm a wreck from sleep deprivation.

Neighbours are a very lovely retired couple, we've had a good relationship for the past decade. Pindrop silence throughout the day, but by night - when my nerves are raw, they are neighbours from hell.

Every school holiday without fail, their grandkids come to stay the entire duration. Private school so nice, lengthy holidays! Two boys around 5/6 who used to tear around the house in their shoes on wooden floors yelling in excitement at 5.00 am despite me mentioning it politely, (and suggesting slipper socks) but now that they're older it's 7 am. They stampede for an hour, then Pindrop silence ALL DAY.

Occasionally their other kids come to stay with a huge dog that has the deepest bark and sets off in the night. I asked if they could let me know know in advance when the dog is staying over so I can sleep in my daughter's room (tiny bed) and it didn't go down too well.

DS (14) is longing for a lie in during the holidays. I understand that. I mostly go to the toilet on the hour up until 4am when my bladder finally empties and am desperate for a longer stretch.
Neighbours know about my health issues, their daughter is a consultant urologist.

In addition, they go away for several days during term time , but when they return every week, it's always at about 2am, banging wardrobe doors, stomping around. Our walls are paper thin, 30s semi.

I'm mentally going through a breakdown because of my health, currently contemplating having my bladder removed.

I've put up with the racket for years. I'm wary about asking them because they get upset. Don't want to spoil the relationship. My kids were toddlers once, they ran around but not during sleeping hours!
I'm all for noisy, happy kids during waking hours, but this is madness.

What should I do?

*would be unreasonable!!

They are being extremely thoughtless to assume all neighbours should just accept their noise.
I would keep persevering, you've been incredibly patient so far... I don't think I would!

So if 7am is OK for a morning stampede, would my blasting out my music in the afternoon equally be OK? I'd love to have thoughts on that.

Blasting music is not comparable to a family getting ready on a morning at a reasonable time..YABVVU

Don't be ridiculous.

7am is a perfectly normal wake up time. To even consider 'blasting' your music in retaliation just show how unreasonable you are being.

Your lack of sleep is not caused by them but your own ill health. Is there nothing you can do about that?

I don't think being up and lively at 7am is normal in the school holidays. I know mine didn't emerge until much later unless was going somewhere special.

Is there any way you can soundproof the walls on that side of the house? I have looked into soundproofing (for other reasons), and tin the end it didn't happen but there are a few firms offering the service. You wouldn't have to do everywhere, just where you sleep and anywhere else you are most affected. I think it's worth looking into.

I suppose you've tried ear plugs, perhaps buy some better ones. Have a look around and see what's on offer, their reviews etc, not just for you but for your son.

Good luck.

Your update appears a little childish, perhaps because everyone says YABU (which you are by the way). I am sorry for your situation but many people can be sleep deprived for various reasons. That doesn’t mean everyone around them should stop living life.

And no, “blasting” music at any time is unreasonable. Playing your music at a normal level during waking hours is fine.

The thing is, you are sleep deprived because you are up in the night. If you slept through you wouldn’t feel this way about a 7 am wake up. I feel sorry for you, but I don’t really see what you can expect the neighbours to do. As for your son, I’m surprised he can’t sleep through being a teenager and the way they sleep.

Sleep deprivation is horrendous. It's utterly physically and mentally debilitating

You are feeling so low and that's understandable.

I think your mood is causing you to fixate on something's and the more you think about them the more cross you get and the more unreasonable those things seem. I imagine you are even waiting for them to happen. They become something to focus your anger on.

7am is a respectable time to be up and about. Could you sleep in the small bedroom to give you more quiet during the day. A single bed is fine for one person.

Perhaps some noise cancelling headphones or sleep music playing in the room.

No it's not acceptable to blast music out and you know that and it is very different to moving round the house.

I so hope you get your medical condition sorted. If only to allow you to sleep.

Presumably your neighbours hear your kids getting up for school every day during term time? And probably you up and about multiple times through the night?

I'm sorry you're having health difficulties but YABVU about normal noise from neighbours. You can't live in a semi and expect total silence.

Of course being deliberately loud in retaliation is different and would be a shitty thing to do

It's not your neighbours fault that your kids are up early in term time. Blasting out music because you are annoyed with them will not make you any better, but you can play it at a reasonable level and still enjoy it.

I have experienced sleep deprivation when ds1 wouldn't sleep for longer than 45 minutes for months on end as a baby and I still had to go to work. Not with your associated health issues of course, but I do know it is brutal.

If you can't afford to add extra sound insulation, what about ear plugs?

Could you be taught to catheterise yourself and then leave it in overnight. Then you can get some sleep.

I suppose that unless someone else is experiencing the same level of sleep deprivation as I am, it's going to be hard to relate.

I don't think that's it at all. I have a 1yo who doesn't sleep and had a condition in pregnancy that meant I couldn't sleep due to constant pain so haven't had a decent night's sleep for about 18months, it's difficult but it's no one else's problem and I don't feel that everyone around me should have to be completely silent because of it. 7am is "waking hours" for the majority of people and you can't expect your NDN's to make their DGC tiptoe around in silence on your account.

The noise you're talking about is not excessive or unusual, it's completely normal neighbour noise. If you want silence 24/7 then you are going to have to move somewhere very remote indeed.

So if 7am is OK for a morning stampede, would my blasting out my music in the afternoon equally be OK?

This sounds extremely petty. Why do you need to "blast out" your music, why can't you play it at a normal volume? Retaliating against perfectly normal noise from everyday living by deliberately playing excessively loud music is just spiteful.

Ywbu to 'blast your music out'. By all means play it at a normal volume but their noise is just ordinary living noise (which it sounds like your kids make during term time) Sleep deprivation is horrible but it's not really your neighbours fault so don't try and punish them for it.

Erm, I feel like everyone focused on the 7am bit and completely missed other parts which is why I thought you perhaps weren’t being unreasonably:
when they return every week, it's always at about 2am, banging wardrobe doors, stomping around
Or maybe this
with a huge dog that has the deepest bark and sets off in the night
The 7am bit is just a small part of the OP. So perhaps that bit isn’t unreasonable, fine. BUT yes, I do think there are other parts that ARE unreasonable, particularly the parts I’ve highlighted. The question is how you can deal with it, OP.

You’ve said they’ll get upset. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about it as a whole, and sleep deprivation can just be horrific (there’s a reason they use it as a torture method). Could you maybe open a discussion with them by asking whether your noises are upsetting them (getting up and down several times a night, flushing), being open about your sleep deprivation (don’t just assume people know what you’re going through just because their daughter is a consultant urologist - even if they know you have a condition, they doubtful know what it means for you, and are probably from a generation that doesn’t intrude) and come from a point of view that you even realize you might be a bit unreasonable, but you’re trying to find neighborly solutions so you can both live your lives while you find a medical solution (like you moving to your daughter’s bedroom so they can still do things uninterrupted, etc).

They do sound much better than a lot of neighbors you could have, sure, but you’re going through a very difficult time right know, and you need all the help you can get (considering bladder removal means this has really reached crisis point), and I’m sure they would understand. So perhaps tackle the right points (2am, dog) and maybe accept some things can’t al be fixed (7am). Ear plugs? Noise-cancelling headphones?

I'm afraid it sounds like you're projecting all your feelings about your sleep deprivation/health condition onto your 'silent for 23/24hrs' elderly neighbours. It's not fair or reasonable.

Sorry but YABU

These are just normal living noises and far from every day/every night.

If you don't understand that children moving around the house at 7am is completely different to you blasting music, that proves you are being very unreasonable.

YABU, for several reasons. 7am is a pretty normal time tbh, and if it’s only in the holidays, that is better than living next to someone working full time surely? Or someone with kids, as they’d be up that time everyday.
They probably hear you getting up multiple times a night, up til 4am, rather annoying for them, but that’s having neighbours.
As for your shitty, ‘no one understands tiredness’ attitude, bloody cop onto yourself.

I'm very sorry for your health issues but nothing you describe there is "anti social". Its just every day living. If you can hear them so clearly, they might hear you getting up at night, flushing the loo etc
Its not as if they are playing techno music on purpose at 3am.
You talk about "pin drop quiet" but thats not realistic in houses that are joined to each other, often with thin walls. You cannot expect them to come and inform you of their plans every time their plans change- thats a ridiculous burden to put on someone and I understand why they probably gave you a funny look for it.

Your options are:
Soundproofing your bedroom
moving your bedroom to another part of the house- as far away fro, the joint wall as possible
Noise cancelling headphones (surprisingly effective)
Moving house to somewhere detached/ more rural quiet area with less neighbours

I'm really sorry this is causing you distress but an expectation of "pin drop quiet" at all times (or whenever you want it) is simply not reasonable or realistic. For that, you need to move to a rural area with no immediate neighbours.

Also, neighbours from hell... behave 😂

Your kids getting up early for school, and your frequent trips to the loo might sound like a stampede from their house. I doubt that the grandkids are running round the house like loonies at 7am now they’re older, they’re more likely to just be getting up, having breakfast, getting showered and dressed, maybe putting the tv on etc.

Could you have a nap later in the day to help you catch up on sleep?

RightYesButNo but are they 'banging' wardrobe doors and 'stomping' around at 2am?

I live in a 1930s semi and I can hear my neighbours simply rustling their wardrobes (sound of hangers knocking together) through the walls.

Unfortunately it's the way the houses were built.

I can't sleep during term time because my own kids are up really early for school. I suppose that unless someone else is experiencing the same level of sleep deprivation as I am, it's going to be hard to relate.
So if 7am is OK for a morning stampede, would my blasting out my music in the afternoon equally be OK? I'd love to have thoughts on that.

So your kids are up really early for 39 weeks of the year, and your neighbours grandchildren are up at a reasonable time for the remaining 13 weeks? And your solution is to blast out your music in the afternoons in retaliation? That sounds very childish to me. Your medical issues are nothing to do with your neighbours. If you can hear their noise, I'm sure they can hear yours!

Play your music, you are fully entitled to at a normal level. And stop doing the bins, your choice if you don't think they are now good neighbours and you don't want to foster good relations any more.
Does your flushing the toilet (if loo is next to their wall) up to 9 times a night not disturb them if the walls are that thin?