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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the height of ingratitude?

109 replies

choc71 · 25/12/2019 10:15

I had everything planned for a perfect Christmas. Little family holiday to the Christmas markets in Germany for a few days before hand, as I know I've worked a lot this year.
I've bought all the gifts and food throughout the year, wrapped everything, got up at 3 a.m. to make sure Santa had been and everything was out ready for the morning.
Bonus lie in till 830 when the kids woke up.
DS2 (15) starts the day by telling me to 'f off' for taking photos whilst they were opening presents. DS1 (17) tells me that he's been given a load of unnecessary presents and was almost crying when he said 'it's a bit crap isn't it'.
I realise that the magic isn't there for DS1 but we need to keep it going for DS3 slightly longer, he's only 9.
DS1 I had bought near on £400 worth of driving lessons for which I put into a voucher. I had told him beforehand I was doing this. Cue cutting remarks that DS3 had more to open than him - yes, mostly stocking fillers.
DS1 turns round and then says he's not coming back home from Uni for Christmas next year as he can't be bothered.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I've already had to tell DS1 and DS2 off. OH has said nothing to support me.
Rant over. I had, I thought, brought my kids up to be grateful and to value things we give them. Clearly not. I am disgusted by DS1 and DS2s behaviour today. It's almost as if DS1 cannot cope with a day being not about him.

If I didn't have my parents coming over, I would cancel Christmas lunch, but it's not fair on them.

OP posts:
Haworthia · 25/12/2019 12:27

Actually, people have made a good point about the driving lessons. If he’s really keen to learn then it’s a great present, but if he isn’t then it’s just something being forced upon him which isn’t great.

Mrsflatbattery · 25/12/2019 12:27

N

Gogreen · 25/12/2019 12:30

So your forcing him to drive and that’s his gift? That’s very selfish of you OP and your silly stunt of ramming a camera in your 15 year olds face when he just woke up. Your actions are the problem, maybe you should take a little responsibility for that before you start calling them ungrateful.

I was on your side, but after reading the rest of your posts can see why your DH didn’t back you up, as I wouldn’t have either. (Although would have told DS not to swear)

BrendasUmbrella · 25/12/2019 12:30

Did your DS ask for driving lessons? If you've bought them for him because you need him to be able to drive, I can understand his resentment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2019 12:30

Why is your ds driving you around? Temporary incapacitation? He doesn’t seem to like the idea of lessons.

JustASmallTownCurl · 25/12/2019 12:31

Right. If they want anything else today they can sort it themselves.

They are old enough to make some food etc.

"You told me to fuck off so I'm doing what you asked. I'm fucking off away from you to concentrate on my parents and have a nice day. Have the Christmas you want today but I won't be getting involved. Sorted. Oh and your vouchers can fuck off too as I bought them and you don't want anything from me today. Have a nice day!"

Honestly OP this is awful behaviour from them. They'll probably be lovely in a few years and they aren't fundamentally bad kids I'm sure. So chill out don't get too upset and just remove yourself from their day.

They told you to fuck off. Careful what you wish for!

Poor you - time to get selfish and enjoy your day ThanksThanksThanks

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 25/12/2019 12:31

It's the most wonderful time of the year . . .

That's it. This is the last big Christmas. Next year I am getting all of them a charity gift as their main gift + stocking fillers (with the exception of DS3)

I would do this too. They are too old to enjoy it, too young to be polite for the sake of their little brother - kick the buggers into touch

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 25/12/2019 12:33

I wouldn't want pictures of me opening presents
Did he want driving lessons ? Sounds like you want him to drive as DH doesn't
Is swearing allowed generally?
I would let everyone calm down and crack on with having a good day

DaftWeeBun · 25/12/2019 12:53

Is this ds1's first term at uni? My 17yo as is home after her first term and the first week of so was awful - rude, entitled, patronising.....I'm wondering if you are seeing a similar thing? It's been really hard, particularly because we were all looking forward to seeing her. She seems to have come round but only after lots of pulling up about the way she was speaking to everyone and taking the piss out of her jaded, know it all lecturing. Speaking to other parents in similar situations they have all come back exhibiting unbelievable twattishness. Have some champagne and embark on some therapeutic undermining?

PlumsGalore · 25/12/2019 12:53

Sending Christmas hugs and some of my Tanqueray Seville Gin x you are not being unreasonable, bloody kids, I would have told DS1 that at 17 he hasn’t actually got his place guaranteed yet, and if he want to stay in empty halls with only the poor foreign students for company then he can crack on.

The more you do the less appreciation you actually get. You are not alone. DD 22 spent the night shift working in A&E, she didn’t have to put her name down but did so, she was grumpy and ungrateful this morning and more than a bit snappy. I made allowances because she had just worked 12 hours overnight but I hope she wakes up with at least a bit of a smile on her face.

They would miss us if we weren’t here Gin

PlumsGalore · 25/12/2019 12:55

Ahhhh are you in Scotland? Apologies I assume he wasn’t actually at uni yet. Even so, same principle applies. Stay there in your empty student house surrounded by the washing up your house mates have left for weeks and gone home.

Original poster
choc71 · 25/12/2019 12:57

Thanks for all the replies.
Firstly, DS1 asked for Driving lessons for Christmas.
Secondly, we always take photos on Christmas Day morning. How was I supposed to know that DS2 now doesn't want this to be tradition.
Merry Christmas to you all.

OP posts:
SourAndSnippy · 25/12/2019 13:02

That's it. This is the last big Christmas. Next year I am getting all of them a charity gift as their main gift + stocking fillers (with the exception of DS3)

Not sure if you are being serious or not. What would you want it to achieve?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/12/2019 13:08

Ohhhh how disappointing for you!
The pain of the ungrateful child, whatever age, really cuts, especially when you've worked hard to make it wonderful for them.
DS2 is 7 but he still managed to have a couple of tantrums today because things didn't go his way, or he didn't get exactly what he wanted - he got told in no uncertain terms that he'd be losing the presents he DID get if he carried on!
Sorted himself out by the evening and we did have a nice day overall but yeah, I totally recognise the feeling of "fuckit, why did I even bother and you can all swivel next year"

Had some of it last night too when I was wrapping presents - got to my own and then just didn't bother, just left them in a nice gift bag, because why on earth should I bother wrapping my own gifts, since no one else would? That was a bit of a "fuckit" moment too. Hey ho.

Hope the rest of your day is better Xmas Smile

jellycatspyjamas · 25/12/2019 13:12

I've bought all the gifts and food throughout the year, wrapped everything, got up at 3 a.m. to make sure Santa had been and everything was out ready for the morning.
Who is “Santa” coming for though? If your 9 year old still believes why don’t you role the older two into the gift buying and preparation both to take some of the pressure off of you and do that they appreciate the effort that’s being made. At 15 and 17 they’re old enough to “keep it going” for your 9 year old and to take on some of the responsibility.

Doing everything breeds ingratitude.

mumofblueeyes · 25/12/2019 13:20

Sorry you are having a tough day. I would try to put it behind you and try and relax now. Not too sure why you were up at 3am (?!) which seems a little beyond the call of duty! Could you not just have laid stuff out when you went to bed? Anyway, put it down to silly kid behaviour, draw a line under it and try and enjoy the day.

DogInATent · 25/12/2019 13:20

Is this the height of....
As this is MN, the answer is almost certainly "No" and there'll be someone along to trump it in a short while.

I remember getting driving lessons for either Christmas or a Birthday (they're close together). But there was a Corgi Mini to unwrap on the day as a memento present of it, rather than a Promise Note. Seventeen is an awkward point in life, almost an adult but still not legally an adult. Old enough to live away from home at uni, but still dependant on it. It needs a bit of thought to balance the two conflicting modes - particularly at times like Christmas that tend to emphasise the younger side of things.

No excusing the language from the middle sibling, but a perfectly understandable response at that age. They're starting to establish and assert their identity in a society where other people's social media leaves them little control. Maybe it's their time to take over the photography duties from now on? - including deciding whether they want it or not.

Your family is growing up and that's changing things, and you haven't yet established how that's going to work. I think you all need a head wobble and to clear the air. They may be your children, but they're growing up.

thistimeofyear · 25/12/2019 14:42

Not that it helps anyone - but my day so far... my only Dd 15 stayed in bed most of the morning - got up finally after being asked, opened her presents and then went back to her room. I’ve sat alone for the last 3 hrs having been told to “Relax” by my ex - her dad who we’re spending Xmas with while he cooks lunch. Can’t even wash up as I’m not allowed to touch anything in his kitchen he says! 1st world problem I know but I hate Christmas. You can be lonely when you’re with people too. I hate the expense, the effort, seeing family at end of week who pay no interest the rest of the year despite my invitations. Next year I think I will volunteer somewhere.

ArranUpsideDown · 25/12/2019 14:59

Stay there in your empty student house surrounded by the washing up your house mates have left for weeks and gone home.

Oh my good grief - the memories this brings back. And arriving in time for the new term to discover maggots because not one of your housemates took the bin bags out while you were gone.

MaButterface · 25/12/2019 15:25

You are a good mum.

They are little shits.

Return the voucher, with his attitude I don't think DS1 will be driving you much.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 25/12/2019 15:33

Fucking Hell Crown Angry I’d have bawled my eyes out with gratitude if I’d been given that at 17!

AlessandroVasectomi · 25/12/2019 16:01

I don’t want to victim blame, but I agree that you need to take a firmer line with your boys. The standard of behaviour you accept is the standard you get. I speak from the experience of having co-brought up four boys, now all in their 30s, so I know all about teens and the arrival of testosterone.

One absolute rule was no swearing at home. Use that sort of language with your mates if you have to, but do not ever use it at home. If any of them had told me or their mother to f- off I dread to think what might have happened, but thankfully that never occurred.

On the plus side, no doubt your boys will get through the anti phase they are going through at the moment and will turn out to be lovely young men, as ours are.

SabineUndine · 25/12/2019 16:14

I do remember in my mid-teens, opening all my presents and realising that none of them were fun things and that my parents had got more than I had. It was a bit tough.

UptightFunk · 25/12/2019 16:40

15 year old is out of order swearing but obviously something is going on. Christmas can be really overwhelming with a load of expectation that can be really emotional. Maybe they don't know how to do the transition from kids and being spoilt (as being seen in the 9 year old) and being a 'grown up'. The 15 year old probably secretly wants to be 9 and enjoying being child like again.

Maybe ask them what they love about Christmas and build from there for next year. They might say they love the funny gifts you give them rather than the big things or that they'd like a toy or kids game or something alongside more 'grown up' presents.

Also, £400 of driving lessons is a big present and they might feel overwhelmed and not know how to react properly. Yes they are teenagers but still young and the transition from child to adult is more acutely felt at Christmas.

billybagpuss · 25/12/2019 18:15

It is such a difficult age, but unfortunately your best bet is to let it go, I think your eldest was saying it’s all a bit shit because he has just realised that Christmas is now more practical than the fun gifts you get as a 9 year old.

I remember my df saying that he remembers the first Christmas he didn’t get anything to play with on Christmas Day, it’s a sign of growing older and the realisation that Christmas is more ritual than magical. Acknowledge what he was saying and don’t take it as a personal attack.

Your 15yo however was rude and needs to be called out on it.