Is this the height of ingratitude?

[choc71]

I had everything planned for a perfect Christmas. Little family holiday to the Christmas markets in Germany for a few days before hand, as I know I've worked a lot this year.
I've bought all the gifts and food throughout the year, wrapped everything, got up at 3 a.m. to make sure Santa had been and everything was out ready for the morning.
Bonus lie in till 830 when the kids woke up.
DS2 (15) starts the day by telling me to 'f off' for taking photos whilst they were opening presents. DS1 (17) tells me that he's been given a load of unnecessary presents and was almost crying when he said 'it's a bit crap isn't it'.
I realise that the magic isn't there for DS1 but we need to keep it going for DS3 slightly longer, he's only 9.
DS1 I had bought near on £400 worth of driving lessons for which I put into a voucher. I had told him beforehand I was doing this. Cue cutting remarks that DS3 had more to open than him - yes, mostly stocking fillers.
DS1 turns round and then says he's not coming back home from Uni for Christmas next year as he can't be bothered.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I've already had to tell DS1 and DS2 off. OH has said nothing to support me.
Rant over. I had, I thought, brought my kids up to be grateful and to value things we give them. Clearly not. I am disgusted by DS1 and DS2s behaviour today. It's almost as if DS1 cannot cope with a day being not about him.

If I didn't have my parents coming over, I would cancel Christmas lunch, but it's not fair on them.

I think you all need to calm down to be honest

I don’t let people tell me to fuck off in my own home, Christmas or no.

What will you do with the voucher?

PrettyPurse actually I had just made a voucher, I was going to pay weekly. It was for about 10 weeks of lessons
Now he is going to have to do jobs to earn each week. He can have one weeks worth of lessons for Christmas. The rest, he's going to earn.
Job 1 - I have an arbour that needs painting and building. Conveniently it now needs doing before New Year.

I’m 39 and I’ve never said “fuck” in front of my Mum, let alone told her to fuck off on Christmas morning

As for the 17 year old nearly crying like a brat because he was disappointed... Jesus Christ.

It’s beyond ingratitude OP. If they carry on being such arseholes you need to go nuclear.

You are holding together well, OP - I would have lost my shit wioth that behaviour and gone to the pub all day and left them to it!! I'd take the 9yr old DS and that's it!
Have a gin!

Tistheseason17 thank you. Gin is on the cards once parents are here.

DS2 sadly has to help me every 5 minutes when I need something reaching / fetching etc.

I have turned this to my advantage. I will NOT be spoken to or treated like this in my house.

Not quite decided what to do with OH yet. Creative ideas for what to do with a turkey baster?

diddl he did have a few smaller gifts to open.

Well, not the turkey baster but...

"deck his balls with boughs of holly, tra la la la la
la la la la"

You sound completely ineffectual to be honest. Your 15 year old hasn’t picked today to suddenly start swearing at you, and your 17 year old hasn’t picked today to become an ungrateful brat. Neither has your OH turned into a useless partner just because it’s Christmas.

You need to woman up, start parenting and kicking some arses and make sure the 9 year old doesn’t end up the same. All the pussy-footing around on this thread, excusing poor behaviour is fucking unbelievable!

This is the last big Christmas

Well that's very unfair on your 9 year old! I am the youngest of 4 and I well remember how Christmas suddenly shrank to nothing when I was about 11.

I felt SO ripped off. My eldest sister was 19 by then...the others also in late teens.

So unfair on the youngest. They'd all had 16 plus years of big Christmases and suddenly....all gone...and there I am at 11 opening a few stocking filler type presents.

Trying to see it from the other side a bit:

Obviously there’s no excuse for the way he spoke to you, but in his defence, I wouldn’t want someone taking photos of me half asleep (especially if they’re likely to end up on FB or similar!)

And the driving lessons, while an expensive gift, are not really exciting (they’re a necessity where we live as public transport is crap). He already knew he was getting them, so no surprise. And the home-made voucher is basically just an IOU.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t be grateful, but even as an adult, I’d have struggled to show more than a cursory amount of gratitude for a gift that I knew I was getting in advance and didn’t actually ‘get’ on the day either.

It’s rubbish when you’ve spent a lot of money and they’re not grateful, but in this case you haven’t actually spent the money yet either.

He’s basically disappointed because his gift today is you telling him, again, that he’s going to have driving lessons. Maybe once he starts the lessons he’ll be more grateful for them?

Gosh you poor thing :( YANBU

I would have never told my mother to fuck off when I was 15, especially at Christmas. My son is 14 and I'd not tolerate that from him, though he would never dream of swearing at me. What a little bugger and so unfair on you. I hope he apologises.

And the older son sounds so ungrateful. I wish they'd realise the love and effort you've put in to making their day special :( maybe your DH can sit with them a bit later and explain how they have hurt you when all you've done is try to make them happy and their day special.

I hope your day improves and your ds3 has an awesome Christmas x

So sorry for you OP, I have teen boys and whilst sometimes they can be completely awful I’m sure they’d never dare speak to me like that on Xmas day, or to be so ungrateful about expensive presents.
They also drive me to be a bit sweary with them sometimes, but they’d never dare to tell me to fuck off.
Prioritise yourself, keep them away from you in their bedrooms and remember this the next time they want a favour from you (which will no doubt be soon) x

I can understand the 15 year old not wanting a camera stuck in his face and getting irritable but telling you to fuck off is not on.

They will have no idea of the time, energy and money that goes into making Christmas nice for others. Maybe it's time for them to carry some of the load.

You say that you "need your son to start driving" because your OH doesn't - is there any chance that he doesn't view driving lessons as a gift for him so much as a convenience for you? If it's not something he's particularly keen on - and knows that it will just mean having to drive you and his siblings around - he might not be that thrilled to have lessons presented as "a gift"?

Maybe he doesn't want to drive? , no excuse for him being rude of course but maybe you are pressuring him to drive because it's useful to you and he finds it another demanding activity ?

I am one of those mums who get my kids pyjamas, underwear and socks, deodorants etc... for Xmas and felt a bit embarrassed but ds17 said that he actually loved it. He likes the spirit of opening presents rather than the actual things.

I offered driving lessons but he wasn't interested.

Still, your DS reaction was appalling. He will mortified one day but hopefully it will be a case of laughing when you reminisce in many years to come.

I’m 39 and I’ve never said “fuck” in front of my Mum, let alone told her to fuck off on Christmas morning

Yep, 38 here and I think she'd cancel Christmas if I did. She's the least violent person I've ever met but I can't imagine getting away without at least a smacked leg if I f-bombed at her.

OP don't cancel Christmas in future, just let the older ones do their own thing and don't go to such lengths for them. I can cope with grumpy teens (we have one) but rudeness like that is unacceptable and kind of proves that they're not grateful for anything you're currently doing. So focus on having a lovely time with Grandparents and the younger one and let the rest be miserable by themselves.

Sympathies, OP. Just to see it from another possible perspective though, my DM made an effort for Christmas. She also went on, and on, and on about what an effort it was, how much she hated Christmas and how she was only doing it for us. It sucked all the joy out and I do remember telling her aged about 18 that, the next year, I was going to volunteer for Shelter instead. Looking back, it was very ungrateful but I felt oppressed by her version of Christmas.

I'm nodding at RUSU92's post. Taking photos? Why did you need to do that? Is it something established in your family? It puts huge pressure on the recipient. That said, it's disgusting of DS2 to say that to you. Apologise for the photo-taking if you think that will help? He though needs to behave more kindly today too, it's not all your responsibility to carry the day.

Other than that, you've been up since 3am so have had little sleep. Your boys are mostly teens who (if typical) need a huge amount of sleep and 'coming around' time. That's not compatible with your wish to make Christmas count from the minute it starts.

I understand why you feel as you do, I would too. I would be taking DS1 out of the room to put him straight. He can hole up in his room if he wants to but you expect an apology for the 'it's all a bit shit' comment, no excuses. Ask him whether he includes his vouchers in the 'shit presents comment. It's not acceptable.

Speak to your OH and tell him that you expect support. If he has a comment about your handling then he can tell you but he should still be supporting you. Is he your children's father?

Don't do charity gifts next year. If it's not something the recipient has asked for then it's a punishment. Better not to give a gift at all in that event.

It's only just noon, perhaps have a bit of a nap yourself, you must be exhausted. Give out some jobs for other people to do so that they realise that it doesn't just happen by magic.

Most of all, it's just a day. Your children have you all the other days of the year and the hype of presents/giving is just that. It doesn't mean that the gifts you've given won't be appreciated.

I hope you've received some nice gifts yourself?

You might hate my reply, but your response echoes theirs in some respects. They were hugely disappointed,for reasons which will make sense to them , and reacted strongly. Ditto you imo. I can see your rationale of course.

Is your OH always this useless?

I spent so long typing that eating Wotsits that I missed a couple of points from the OP.

You NEED your son to drive? Does he actually want to drive? Does he realise that it's a requirement? If so, then the voucher really isn't a gift, is it? He needs to at least WANT this privilege or it isn't one at all.

Don't make threats like cancelling your parents coming. They're idle threats and it's really unkind to make them.

Get your family at home with you to start helping NOW. There's no reason you have to do all of this yourself.

I'm sorry you've had to cope with such ingratitude from your older 2 DSs. I can sort of understand DS2 that way to having his photo taken unexpectedly when he wasn't dressed but he certainly shouldn't have told you to f off.

The oldest DS's behaviour makes him sound like like a spoiled brat tbh, does he speak like this to you often or is this out of character? If he does volunteering, though, then it sounds like he has a good heart so hopefully he'll apologise for how he spoke to you. (Or have you l let him get away with treating you like shit in the past? If that's the case, then he may well not have any respect for you, which would make this a much bigger problem and not just about Christmas presents.)

It's the sort of thing that my DDs of 10 and 7 might say, about one of them having more presents to unwrap than the other. But a 17 year old certainly should know better.

I wouldn't let my DDs away with speaking to me like that. They both backchat a lot and I sanction them by docking their pocket money, but also allowing them to earn it back with good behaviour. I would agree with PPs that taking their presents off them would be the most appropriate penalty.

Tbh, and it’s not right, but if your 17 year old was close to tears sounds like his heart broken, not because of you or the presents, but the realisation he is soon a adult, and Christmas is no longer aimed at him, but for younger ones. I remember getting to old for Xmas, your in that in between stage, where it’s all a bit disappointing (until you have your own children really) and the cold realisation is quite sad.

He was acting out at you I imagine because your his mum, and people do tend to lash out at the ones they live most when they are beyond upset.