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Original poster

To be sick of Christmas martyrs

108 replies

Rosehip10 · 25/12/2019 10:12

Why are so many people (usually women) martyrs at Christmas, doing everything, presents, food, all organising etc and then really unhappy at DPs doing nothing and saying "why do I do this" and then repeat cycle year after year.

If you don't want to then don't and stop enabling lazy DPs. If you do then stop moaning and martyring yourself.

OP posts:
avisitonthetrain · 25/12/2019 19:19

Yeah but C8 not everyone WANTS a huge fuss and expense.

Look at the Christmas board on here. There are people posting on it in June.

A lot of women love it. That’s why they do it. I’m more than happy for them to carry on but I’d be fucked off if I was a man and expected to be dragged into what I personally deem nonsense or slated as a selfish bastard. I’m not, I just don’t see what is inherently stressful about clicking on a website, roasting a bird and eating a ready made trifle. It’s ONE DAY!

dodgeballchamp · 25/12/2019 19:23

milquetoaster it could go the opposite way. My mum runs around after my dad’s every whim and never does anything nice for herself, I am, shall we say, the polar opposite

Milquetoaster · 25/12/2019 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theendoftheendoftheend · 25/12/2019 19:24

It’s ONE DAY!

No, it's Christmas Day!

And Christmas dinner is not a roast dinner with a cracker! I will give hard stare to anyone who suggests otherwise.

DonutMan · 25/12/2019 19:28

Why do women put up with patriarchy?

Because for many it allows them to stay at home and focus on their hobbies, or work part time, while their partner acts as the breadwinner earning 4x as much as them.

I know this isn't the case for all, and many women prefer to be self sufficient, but recent threads have opened my eyes to the fact that it's still pretty common (but extremely rare in reverse).

Scarsthelot · 25/12/2019 19:30

You can have an amazing christmas without it being stressful and being miserable about how stressful it has been.

How is it a perfect christmas if mum is stressed to shit and feeling angry and resentful of their dad. And also knowing their dad hasnt bothered at all.

Kids pick up on these things happening.

So how is that a perfect christmas?

dodgeballchamp · 25/12/2019 19:34

Because for many it allows them to stay at home and focus on their hobbies, or work part time, while their partner acts as the breadwinner earning 4x as much as them.

Until this set up is actively discouraged and consigned to history, society is failing men and women IMO.

avisitonthetrain · 25/12/2019 19:34

So men have to get on board with all the Christmas bull because of the patriarchy?

How about we just stop the Christmas bull?

Mumpower123 · 25/12/2019 19:38

I've always done everything . I just do what I can cope with. Otherwise yes the kids would suffer.

AJTracey · 25/12/2019 19:47

Being a martyr just teaches your children that a lazy husband and a put upon wife is the norm.
Don’t insult women who are in abusive relationships by comparing them to your choice to stay with and have children with lazy idiots.

Bamboo15 · 25/12/2019 19:55

I feel I bit the same OP, I know what others are saying here about the impact on kids etc. But here are some things that could change:

Forget the whole Christmas dinner thing - kids don’t care, just make a really great meal that everyone likes, mine LOVE spaghetti bol so that’s what they had for lunch today followed by a scoop of ice cream covered in Haribo - they said it was the best meal ever and they were so excited they could literally have anything they wanted. We had steak and chips. Minimal washing up and I had the spag Bol sauce in the freezer and used fresh pasta that takes 4 mins to cook.

Guests: tell them well in advance what you will be doing in your house for Christmas, underline that it’s because you want to spend maximum time with the kids. Say that they are welcome to come but it won’t be a full Christmas dinner.

Tell your partner when the kids will open there presents and wake them with a reminder when the unwrapping is about to kick off. Don’t stress if they don’t get involved it’s there loss. (Although it would make me question my partner).

Christmas can be so much frigging work if you are managing everything for the generation above and below so cut things back a bit and make it simpler. There are so many bits of faff people don’t care about but people feel like they need to be done for show. Concentrate on the things that are fun - some great family friendly games on stand by, chocolate galore, and a friendly welcoming atmosphere so every feels like it’s a Christmas and cut back on the things that are stressful, hard work and lock you in the kitchen for hours which can leave a gap where there is a lazy partner.

DonutMan · 25/12/2019 19:58

Until this set up is actively discouraged and consigned to history, society is failing men and women IMO.

I think we long as there are no barriers to choice, couples should do whatever works for them individually.

FishCanFly · 25/12/2019 20:01

I can't imagine why martyrdom in this day and age. Sumermarkets are full of ready made Xmas foods, gifts you can order online, and on principle i don't wrap shit. Oh, and thoughtful presents for my own kids only.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/12/2019 20:23

@DonutMan yeah but then it can leave women trapped in unhappy marriages.

As a woman who split up with my exh when I was a SAHM, I would always encourage women to keep working if they can and their own financial independence. Because nothing is guaranteed in life, and that day I had to walk into the jobcentre and sign on for benefits because I had no partner to support me any more and a DS to provide for was one of the lowest points of my life.

DonutMan · 26/12/2019 01:02

@DonutManyeah but then it can leave women trapped in unhappy marriages.

I'm not disagreeing, but I can see why it's an attractive arrangement for some, especially if they didn't have a decent career before and weren't climbing the ranks in some corporate job.

speakout · 26/12/2019 08:03

Sometimes being a SAHM is the only realistic option. I jacked in my career when I had kids- it was the ony relalistic option.

Shopkinsdoll · 26/12/2019 08:08

What I really can’t stand is the number of people on Facebook who have got to boast that they are putting money or helping for charity, why the need to tell others. Why just not donate? My dads a heating engineer, he fixes a lot of people’s heating for free eg elderly or people in need. He doesn’t feel the need to tell facebook. He just does it.

Scarsthelot · 26/12/2019 08:17

Sometimes being a SAHM is the only realistic option. I jacked in my career when I had kids- it was the ony relalistic option.

Depends on what you mean realistic. When me and exh had dd, we were no better off for me working. But I wanted my career. We decided we had to have a big gap or stick at one. Exh always knew i was sticking with my career. He took 50:50 care of dd (and ds 8 years later) and the house. Would phone in sick if dd was off, just like I would have to. We balanced it by who was doing what that day. If he had a presentation he would work. If I had something important he would stay home.

As I said we couldnt do it with 2 so waited until dd was much older. Many people told me I would be better off as a sahm. But when my marriage broke down, I was able to go straight out and secure a mortgage. Not had to worry about Bill's or how to manage a really tight budget (it was tight but not very tight).

For me, it wasnt realistic to give up work. But that was just my perspective.

absopugginglutely · 26/12/2019 08:24

I agree.
I wouldn’t be able to do it because i would spend Christmas severely resentful so DH does his fair share, all his family organising visits, buying and wrapping their presents etc I do my side of the family and I don’t even promise Xmas dinner, if I feel like doing a roast I will if I just want to play with DD I just make snacky things.
I find it astonishing that in this day and age women STILL infantilise men so much! (THEY GET PAID MORE THAN US!)

TheNavigator · 26/12/2019 08:31

YANBU, but some people love playing the martyr, xmas just gives them the excuse to ramp it up to Oscar winning levels. Some of the things I read posters go on about they 'have to' do remind me of those hilarous 'life admin' threads. Loads of it is normal every day stuff, like shopping and cooking and the rest is unneccessary made up shit they have decide to enforce on their families, who doubtless don't give two shits.

Kids remember the fun and happy times, not the matching napkins.

speakout · 26/12/2019 08:38

Scarsthelot I am glad that worked for you. It would not have been an option for me.

Scarsthelot · 26/12/2019 09:16

Its rarely the only option (aside from illness) but, even in your case where it was.

You could have provision so you arent financially dependent.

speakout · 26/12/2019 09:24

One of my children never had above 70% attendance at school because of ill health.
I had no family support at all, OH job required lomg soradic hours, unplanned overtime and lots of distant travel.
As did my job.
I don't regret giving up my career for one moment, and in many ways has given me opportunities I would never have had.
Now 20 years down the line I am in a much better situation than if I had contunied to work.

nowaypose · 26/12/2019 09:24

They’re only a martyr if they do it all and complain about it without actually asking for any help. My Mum and Gran were both like this, they’d huff and puff in the background until someone asked if they needed help then they’d usually insist they didn’t but carry on huffing and puffing... It’s frustrating as fuck.

I imagine that’s the same in many households. The men maybe do offer to help only for the woman to insist they’re fine and refuse any help.

nowaypose · 26/12/2019 09:26

Also I recall stepping in one year and insisting I help my Gran but she bulldozed over and said I wasn’t doing it right so took over.