To be sick of Christmas martyrs

[Rosehip10]

Why are so many people (usually women) martyrs at Christmas, doing everything, presents, food, all organising etc and then really unhappy at DPs doing nothing and saying "why do I do this" and then repeat cycle year after year.

If you don't want to then don't and stop enabling lazy DPs. If you do then stop moaning and martyring yourself.

The biggest influence on how a boy will behave is - surely - how they see their father behaving, not their mother.

Single parent families are screwed then.

Also, why are you so defensive?

I was raised to be submissive .
I married young. I was beaten, raped and abused over several years.
Thankfully no kids then, but I was unable to leave.

Not OTT and stops us thinking about DD2 away every Christmas with her DH and my 2 grandsons with DH's big family.
Your Dd1 must love that.

Women are taught from girlhood to always look out for the needs and wishes of others and this happens to the detriment of themselves. If women stop doing Xmas properly, they will hold themselves responsible for it being shit, rather than the husbands, brothers, fathers or sons who could also help. Women are usually the central pillar of the family and so can’t afford to crumble under the weight of responsibility. Increased participation in the labour force has mostly meant that women do practically all that they used to do (house and children) as well as work whilst men mostly just do their jobs and then a token amount of domestic duties. Some men are obviously less shit than others but on a societal level, it’s pretty much like this. It’s bollocks and has robbed the world of so much potential as the ladies can’t see the horizon for bloody laundry.

Women like it

Yes of course the problem is societal, I’m not disputing that, and messaging/attitudes around many aspects of domestic life and parenting etc need to change and push for true equality, but the personal is political. Be the change you want to see. If you’re aware of the issues but keep participating in it then you can’t complain.

For the record, I wasn’t raised to value myself particularly. I watched my mum running around waiting on my dad hand and foot and was frequently emotionally belittled by my dad, but instead of internalising that I reflected critically on it and decided their relationship was a model of everything I didn’t want to be. Just because you might feel pressure or ingrained messages doesn’t mean you can’t choose to change.

Yanbu op.

As a single parent I sisnt have the level of stress some women moan about, for Christmas. Ita not that difficult to have a fairly stress free christmas. Even with people coming round.

I now live with Dp, it's a piece of piss. Because he knows I woilenr tolerate a relationship with anyone that doesnt pull their own weight.

I met him through his sister. My best friend. I still do peepers for her and her kids. But he does too. I have kids. He has an adult son. He still does half. Looks for presents. Looks for best price. Cooks dinner, makes the shopping list. I have organised tonight.

Women are often conditioned to think that being a martyr is morally superior.

Even when they hate it. They queue up to do it again.

Be the change you want to see. If you’re aware of the issues but keep participating in it then you can’t complain.

I disagree.
I married young, was brought up with ideas of being a submissve female. I was raped, beaten and abused by my husband.. It took me years to find enough strength and confidence to break free.

You think I " shouldn't complain"??

Those of you who are being martyrs - you do realise that if you are doing it all, then you can do it all without the partner - and have one less person to cater for?

If you then choose to stay with them, well, why moan about your own choice? Obviously you will have your reasons for staying - but doing everything at Christmas (and probably the rest of the time) is the price you pay for staying. But the other choice is always there.

Oh god my mum is the worse for this.

It’s one of the many reasons I don’t go over for Christmas now. Everyone tells her to stop it and just let other people do it but then what would she have to moan about?

YANBU

speakout that’s terrible you experienced such abuse, genuinely. I’ve already said I’m not talking about abused women. But the fact you found the strength to leave is commendable. You have got the strength and the option to live your life now as you want to, now you’re presumably free from the abuse, which I really hope you are

Really not sure why people have to be martyrs about doing Christmas. I’m just very blunt about what needs to be done and make clear l won’t do it all myself

Parents raise your daughters to expect equality in their relationships.

Obviously you will have your reasons for staying
Usually money.

This sort of post really dismays me. In some ways it’s just a stealth boast about (a) your enviable partnership with its perfectly equal division of domestic & emotional labour (b) having the means to leave this relationship at the drop of a hat should the balance of labour shift unfavourably. Making feel women who already feel shit on Christmas Day feel shitter because apparently they also lack the gumption to turn it all around in some assertive life-affirming way. Fuck off and leave people alone.

It is true though Elbas. Where there’s no abuse or abject poverty or other extenuating circumstances, there is no reason women can’t be in control of their own lives and futures. You don’t have to stay in unsatisfying relationships, you don’t have to have children with incompetent men, you don’t have to give up work and financial independence if you do have children. It’s perfectly reasonable to suggest women with the means to do so (again, in the absence of abuse, poverty, illness etc) take a pragmatic and sensible approach to their own lives to ensure they’re financially and emotionally capable of existing as a single person. It kind of baffles me why anyone wouldn’t set themselves up like that tbh, if they had everything at their disposal to do so.

This is one reason my ex is my ex.

I still run around and do everything.

Because they want a perfect Christmas for their family- namely their kids. They are homemakers who want to create happy memories for their family to treasure in years to come. But they get let down and it's not equal. But they don't again next year. Why? Because they love their family. Because they are selfless. And that's not something to bitch about.

My mother is still at it, at 75.

I refuse to go to her house. Her circus, etc.

Why are so many people (usually women) martyrs at Christmas,

Wrong question. You should be asking why are there so many shitty, complacent and entitled men? And the answer is not to blame their mothers.

Have a look at the society we live in and the messages it gives boys and girls from childhood. The structural issues using women's biology against them in terms of maintaining a steady income stream and economic security over a life time if they have children (and if they don't in some cases). Over and over again within a family the man's job is prioritised with the women "fitting around it" but also being expected to stand on her own feet fiancially.

Look at the way women are judged, even on a more woman centred site, the excusing of poor male behaviour and aportioning blame for that behaviour to the women in their lives. (He puts up shelves so obviously that cancels out the daily chores and mental load of family maintenance).
Look at the way jobs dominated by women are routinely classified as lower paid and lower skilled than similar jobs dominated by men.

When you have fixed all this, then ask why women are martyrs. Maybe at that point they wno't expect to be.

Because not everyone is an arsehole who thinks only about themselves. Yes some men are crap at organising, some women are equally as disorganised. Some like to make sure that others have a good time and know that if they do it it'll work out well. Stop blaming women and making out they're all weak because they might not have spoken up.

MN is a very very small window into others lives.

Women are taught from girlhood to always look out for the needs and wishes of others and this happens to the detriment of themselves.

Whatever. Ultimately it was my choice to proceed with the pregnancies and have the children and I want to give them a 'good' Christmas so I put the effort in. Life choices eh.