To be sick of Christmas martyrs

[Rosehip10]

Why are so many people (usually women) martyrs at Christmas, doing everything, presents, food, all organising etc and then really unhappy at DPs doing nothing and saying "why do I do this" and then repeat cycle year after year.

If you don't want to then don't and stop enabling lazy DPs. If you do then stop moaning and martyring yourself.

I completely agree OP. Not just at Christmas but in life it’s actually very easy to look after number one and put yourself first. Granted I am single but my attitude doesn’t change if and when I have a partner. I politely but assertively inform people of what I’m doing, my plans, I say no to things I don’t fancy. Easy. I must have missed the bit of female socialisation that makes you think you have to be a doormat at all times or that other people’s happiness is your responsibility

It's shit but what else can we do

coz the useless fucker doesn't and if I don't they'll have toothache and deformed feet

What else can you do? How about not staying in a relationship with a "useless fucker"?

I completely agree OP. Not just at Christmas but in life it’s actually very easy to look after number one and put yourself first.

Well it’s not, when children are involved. They take the priority which is why so many women end up in a situation where they don’t want to be doing everything and are resentful, but realise that their children shouldn’t suffer as a result.

If you leave a "useless" man you still end up doing all the things you were doing solo anyway - they won't step up just because you divorce.

I agree OP but I agree with PP, some women secretly love playing martyr.

Imagine your children getting up on Christmas morning to no presents, stockings, tree, and veggie curry for lunch, and when they look confused and distressed you just say, “Well, your dad thought he wouldn’t bother so I decided the same.” You can’t, really, can you?

Exactly so, RedSkyAtNight, it's about managing expectations too. If it needs to be done 'finely' then either I or my husband will do it to the exclusion of the other 'ham-fist', which could be either of us.

Even our kids know which one of us to summon for particular intricacies!

@Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas no but at least you don't have to run round after a man child as well as the kids. I'd rather be alone and know that I have no choice but to do everything myself, rather than be in a relationship knowing that my partner could help out and chooses not to bother.

If you don't want to then don't and stop enabling lazy DPs. If you do then stop moaning and martyring yourself.

And ensure your kids have a shit Christmas? Because that's what would happen if some women did not make it happen. Man sits back and tell DC to blame Mummy it's crap.

in life it’s actually very easy to look after number one and put yourself first.

Such a simplistic view.

Naiive and uncaring.

Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Many stay for years- battered, abused. It is so easy to say put yourself first when you are in a position where you have self worth, good esteem, taught to value yourself.
Many are not. You speak from a position of priviledge, good esteem and strength.

You are victim blaming.

If you're married to a useless man child you realise you can divorce him?

There you go again, KatherineJaneway, being all logical (and knowledgeable) and confounding the tricoteuse posters on the thread who are gleefully wetting themselves at being given an audience to again, put women in the wrong.

Said women - if they have children that they want to make a nice time for - have no other option but to knuckle down and do the work.

I don't believe in karma but if I did, a short sharp dose for some posters on the thread might bring a bit of humility and understanding for others.

... and well said to speakout.

Christmas is hardly comparable to an abusive relationship ffs. I’ve been in a couple of those myself and had plenty of hardship in life, but people need to own their choices and reactions to situations. I’m obviously not talking about severely abused women there and it’s obtuse to suggest I am. Plenty of Christmas martyrs aren’t in abusive relationships. And no, it shouldn’t be women’s responsibility to get men to step up but equally if you have the means to change the negative aspects of your life/relationship what’s stopping you?

There is a lot of faith being put in perfectly wrapped gifts, a fancy meal, spotless house and the "perfect" Christmas as the thing that children will value and remember above all.

Is that really how people want to/are raising their families? To be shallow and materialistic keep-up-with-the-joneses?

Think about the things YOU remember from childhood. If they are material possessions then you are living the truth of Philip Larkin when he said "They fuck you up, your mum and dad.* They may not mean to, but they do.*"

And the rest of it: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

it shouldn’t be women’s responsibility to get men to step up but equally if you have the means to change the negative aspects of your life/relationship what’s stopping you?

What means do you expect people have? What should they do? Be equally useless and give children and a shitty Christmas? Leave before Xmas and end up in a shelter with children before Xmas because their partner is lazy? What’s the expectation here?

Basically, some women hating posters are angry that women are martyring themselves by doing all of the Christmas prep by themselves - rather than considering the view that it is hard and irritating that they need to do everything but it’s because they actually care about their children. If they just didn’t bother, it would be the children that suffer.

It is a sliding scale though.
"Martyr" women are not being abused, but it is part of the whole ethos of subjication.

Have a look at many other threads on this site, women who work full time and still do the huge part of housework and childcare, disney dad, men who spend their down time doing "hobbies" or getting pissed with their mates while women carry the can.

It's not enough to say people need to own their choices, this canker exists, women are getting the shitty end of the stick- and getting blamed for that too!!

Yanbu. zero sympathy for these martyrs.

There is a lot of faith being put in perfectly wrapped gifts, a fancy meal, spotless house and the "perfect" Christmas as the thing that children will value and remember above all
IF this is what women are doing then you're quite right to decry it. But I suspect many women are wanting thoughtful gifts not in carrier bags, with no one forgotten and food that everyone can eat. It's all too easy to say women are to blame for having high standards - some men's standards are appallingly low.

Tbh I bought some gifts for kids online and that was it. Most of us get a day off.

I agree. My kids have presents (mostly bought online) and my dp is in the kitchen making a glorified roast dinner, no need for all the drama! We don't invite anyone over for the day, even better!

I've gone through two husbands and chucked them out because they did fuck all.
They were warned.
I'm not a man's sexual plaything/servant and cook.
I have a good job, I don't need their money so if they don't shape up I get rid of them.
More women need to start doing this. Don't put up with it and the world will change. It's all part of suffrage.
One of my colleagues started crying in a work meeting before Chrsitmas, I took her out into the hall to ask what had happened, I thought someone had died. She said she's so tired trying to do everything with no help and cope with a very responsible job.
This is what is happening with today's women, nothing seems to have changed in hundreds of years.

I’m not a big Christmas person.

If I was with someone crying over it, I’d be

It’s nothing to do with women’s sufffrage.

I don’t have sons but if I did I wouldn’t be raising them to run round like a bluebottle with the shits all December.