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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my money back

78 replies

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:07

I’m really not sure what I should do. My friend is having financial issues and is in quite a lot of debt. Not sure on exact figures but pretty sure it’s north of £10k.

We were meant to go out to do an activity last weekend (me, her and both our DPs). We had to book in advance and pay so I triple checked with her that she was happy and she said that she was as she was getting a bonus that month. So I booked and paid (it was non refundable) and she was excited and made no mention of being unable to pay. On the day of she cancelled. She has made no offer to pay and I think she thinks because she didn’t go that she doesn’t have to pay. But it means that I’m paying for it now, we tried to get a refund at the event as we still went but couldn’t.

We are much better off than them financially and I think she tends to think it’s ok for us to pay for her. There have been a lot of things recently that we’ve had to pay for. She probably in total owes me around £700. Some of it I did offer to treat so that doesn’t really count but just to get a rough idea of how much I subsidise her.

She is a really good friend, she is always there for me when I need her and we have a great time when we are together. She’s only had this debt for the last couple of years, before then we had no issues regarding money.

I have asked for the money but she just ignored it. So should I just forget getting the money back or should I ask again? We are planning on moving soon so really want to be saving as much as possible.

OP posts:

pollyglot · 23/12/2019 20:09

If she's a really good friend, why can't you sit down and chat about it?

windycuntryside · 23/12/2019 20:10

Learn from this. Do not book and pay up front again. Ever. Never a lender or borrower be.
She will avoid you now because she doesn’t want to pay, such a shame for what you say has been a good friendship.

Original poster

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:11

I find talking about money really awkward. I don’t know why and especially as I know she struggling I feel I’m being selfish to ask.

OP posts:

Neverender · 23/12/2019 20:15

How much does she really owe you - excluding the stuff you said you'd foot the bill for? This makes all the difference.

GrowingUpIsATrap · 23/12/2019 20:17

Unfortunately you're probably not going to get the money back because she can't afford to give you it.
I have been there myself and now i get cash first before i buy things for certain friends

Thelnebriati · 23/12/2019 20:18

A really good friend would just repay you without making a drama out of it. Ask her for the money.
I know its awkward when you have less money than your friends because I'm the poor one, but you should only do things that don't cost you anything from now on.

In any case I think you should prepare for her ending the friendship when you insist she has to repay you.

Original poster

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:20

@Neverender for last weekend it’s £100. The other stuff was either my treat or I had already written it off in my mind

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 23/12/2019 20:21

Stop making excuses for her bad behaviour. Shes a grown up and needs to act like one. You wouldn't do this to anyone would you? So why is it ok for her?

safariboot · 23/12/2019 20:25

YANBU to want it, but good bloody luck getting it.

I agree with a PP, don't lend to or borrow from friends. Seems like with this friend you need to dxtend that to don't buy stuff before they give you the money.

GreenTulips · 23/12/2019 20:28

You won’t see or the money for dust.

No harm in asking but I bet she blocks you.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 20:31

ask her for the £100 she owes you.

Stop thinking of the "treats" you willingly offer her as money she owes you!

ElbasAbsentPenis · 23/12/2019 20:33

Yanbu, but it does seem silly to be booking pricey events with someone who you know is in dire financial straits. With friends of mine who are skint I either arrange to do free / v cheap things or invite on the understanding that it’s my treat. It can feel shitty when you’re hard up to have your friends constantly dangling invites to interesting things you can’t afford.

Original poster

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:38

@Pfefferkuchen - the treats were sort of forced on me. We went to lunch a few times and she forgot her purse. So that’s why I include it in my mind but she doesn’t need to pay it as I did offer.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/12/2019 20:38

Write it off. I've no idea why you would trust it considering you know she's skint and you treat her to shit.

No more subbing. At all. If you do it again then it's your own fault OP. Free things from now on.

gamerchick · 23/12/2019 20:39

Pfefferkuchen - the treats were sort of forced on me. We went to lunch a few times and she forgot her purse

She doesn't forget her purse. Trust me, she knows you'll offer. She's using you.

NorthernLightss · 23/12/2019 20:40

She is not a really good friend.
You are a nice perusing who is being taken advantage of.
If you forgot your purse at lunch, how many reminders would be needed to make you offer to pay? My guess is zero.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 20:41

We went to lunch a few times and she forgot her purse. So that’s why I include it in my mind but she doesn’t need to pay it as I did offer.

I am sorry to be mean, but you are being a mug here. Stop paying for this woman! If she does "forget" her purse, ask her to give you the money back and don't go for lunch ever again until it's paid off!

NorthernLightss · 23/12/2019 20:41

Perusing = person

TriangularRatbag · 23/12/2019 20:42

By making the booking you were effectively lending money to someone who is a very bad credit risk. That was your mistake!

I never lend money to friends or family. If they can't get a loan through the usual channels for debt (who have efficient and unsentimental means of debt recovery) there's a very good reason. "Lending" money to anyone like that is a fiction. It's a gift. If you're not prepared to see it as a gift don't offer the money.

Sparklesocks · 23/12/2019 20:43

I understand her difficulties with money and that may be causing her embarrassment/shame but the fact is it’s very rude/careless of her to just ignore your request for the money and hope it goes away (although that attitude might help explain how she got into so much debt). I think you should try have a frank conversation with her and explain you’re out of pocket because of the cancellation despite checking with her multiple times before you booked. Also stop fronting money for her as hard up as she is, or it might never stop.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 20:45

We went to lunch a few times and she forgot her purse

No one actually does that OP. Or does it by mistake. It’s not a thing.

If she’s that skint she shouldn’t be accepting offers to things she can’t afford.

You’ve helped create this situation. If you don’t stop, she won’t. Stop.

KC225 · 23/12/2019 20:46

Lesson here is unless you get the money up front OR she books it don't be booking any expensive trips in the future.

She probably won't be giving you the money for the event as she didn't go. Is the reason she gave 'because I can't afford it?'
Do you exchange Christmas gifts? Could you write off the £100 in leui of a gift.

You can't count money owed when you have offered to treat her or pay as that was your choice. In order to stop the resentment, maybe let her set the meet ups to her budget. COFFEE, bottle of wine at home, walk, museum meet. VOUCHER weekday meal out perhaps.

strawberry2017 · 23/12/2019 20:48

Friendship and money is such a hard thing. I like you struggle to bring it up but I have a friend who still owes me money from 3.5 years ago. She keeps telling me I'll get it but then there's always a reason why I don't and I don't know what to say anymore.
I feel sorry for her coz her DP despite earning a very good wage barely contributes and she lets him get away with this, but then likewise I feel frustrated that she lets herself be financially abused the way she does. I don't understand puts up with it.
I've sadly learnt that I'll never be a priority in paying it back. I don't let it go effect our friendship but I do struggle with jealousy some months.
Some of the money has been paid back but I'm now at the point where I just can't bear to bring it up again because I hate how it makes me feel.
I've learnt my lesson though. Never lend or pay for things for friends.

minesagin37 · 23/12/2019 20:49

If you know she's heavily in debt why are you booking expensive activities. It seems like you are asking for trouble. Do free stuff then you're not adding to her financial pressures.

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2019 20:49

Forgot her purse? She’s lying, OP. Nobody goes to lunch without checking phone, purse, keys. She’s taking the piss out of you. Why do you let her? Is it some kind of misplaced sense of complex because you’re better off than her? Stop feeling guilty about that and stop being a mug. You are no-one’s doormat/financial handout go to.

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