Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my money back

78 replies

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:07

I’m really not sure what I should do. My friend is having financial issues and is in quite a lot of debt. Not sure on exact figures but pretty sure it’s north of £10k.

We were meant to go out to do an activity last weekend (me, her and both our DPs). We had to book in advance and pay so I triple checked with her that she was happy and she said that she was as she was getting a bonus that month. So I booked and paid (it was non refundable) and she was excited and made no mention of being unable to pay. On the day of she cancelled. She has made no offer to pay and I think she thinks because she didn’t go that she doesn’t have to pay. But it means that I’m paying for it now, we tried to get a refund at the event as we still went but couldn’t.

We are much better off than them financially and I think she tends to think it’s ok for us to pay for her. There have been a lot of things recently that we’ve had to pay for. She probably in total owes me around £700. Some of it I did offer to treat so that doesn’t really count but just to get a rough idea of how much I subsidise her.

She is a really good friend, she is always there for me when I need her and we have a great time when we are together. She’s only had this debt for the last couple of years, before then we had no issues regarding money.

I have asked for the money but she just ignored it. So should I just forget getting the money back or should I ask again? We are planning on moving soon so really want to be saving as much as possible.

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 23/12/2019 21:30

The financial issues are not her fault but her DPs. She is genuinely good with money and her DP managed it get caught in a pay day loan loop. Was getting pay day loans to pay off the last one and she had no idea.

That's still no excuse. It's her and her partner's problem and she shouldn't be transferring it on to you.

You actually have the power to stop the situation by refusing to lend her any more moment. In the nicest possible way, OP, stop being a pushover.

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 21:35

I genuinely did meet a friend/former employer at an expensive bar earlier in the year & realised I'd left my wallet in the office, Sooooo embarassing; he was fine and met the bill.
It does happen - but I'm sure I wouldn't make the same mistake several times over.

I'm not keen on setting up payment apps on my phone, and often take my payment card out of my wallet and have it in a pocket for convenience to pay for bus/tube. Then go out in a different coat.
I very rarely carry cash, swipe for most things these days - although I have started keeping emergency fivers at work and in my car.

Daffodil55 · 23/12/2019 21:37

I have been in the position of, after lending a sum of money to a relative and waiting for ages to get it back, then feeling guilty for reminding them of the debt. The original loan was on the understanding they would pay it back within a few short weeks. They knew I was not strapped for cash and neither were they, they simply had a short term cash flow problem. I think they hoped I would say forget it. I had already been generous several times in various ways so can never be called mean or tight with cash.

This person did pay it back but made it look like THEY were doing ME a favour, not the other way around.

Never again!

Snog · 23/12/2019 21:39

I think you should ask for the money back for this event and explain that the venue refused to refund the cost.

Your friend is taken advantage of you OP and that's not something that friends should do. It's disrespectful and shows a lack of value placed by her on the relationship.

If it was me I would try to talk this out and agree a way forward and if that isn't possible I would end the friendship.

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 21:39

Forgetting their purse once = genuine.

Forgetting their purse several times - deliberate.

MoaningMinniee · 23/12/2019 21:50

Don't ask for the money and also don't even try to include them in anything that involves a financial outlay. They're almost certainly in financial crisis and utterly embarrassed about it. Mentally write the money off ... and wait and be a friend in the future.

donquixotedelamancha · 23/12/2019 22:03

I think I’ll just forget about the money. I’ve known her too long and value her friendship too much. I don't want to add to her stresses especially over Christmas

I don't mean this to sound cruel, OP, but what the fuck is wrong with you?

Does it not bother you to be taken for a mug? Do you not realise how weird it is to be more concerned with the feelings of someone doing you harm than your own?

This is not a genuine friendship. Either have the difficult conversation and make it into one again, or just cut her off.

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 22:13

Got interrupted by a phonecall.

Don’t sub her anymore, and definantly ask for the money back. Stress. It was non refundable and that she still has to pay. If she complains, mention that you wouldn’t gave booked it if she hadn’t said she wanted to go. You could even mention that you have started to save to mi e, so can’t afford to loose the money. Hey debt up is not your responsibility.

Patsypie · 23/12/2019 22:22

As soon as you said she had form for 'forgetting' her purse I realised you won't get the money back. She may be a good friend in other ways but she's taking the piss over cash. You need to sit down and discuss it if you want to save the friendship.

KareyHunt · 23/12/2019 22:41

Hey debt up is not your responsibility.

It is when you're the lender!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2019 22:48

She doesn't forget her purse. Trust me, she knows you'll offer. She's using you

This ^^

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 22:57

What I meant is that you shouldn’t sub her because she owes so much money. She should still lay her way, and if she can’t afford, don’t commit to £100 activities etc.

Loveislandaddict · 23/12/2019 22:58

Pay her way, not lay

Love51 · 23/12/2019 23:06

You seem to think that the amount of money she owes you compounds her behaviour. In her head, it probably excuses it. She might think 'BlueRose is loaded, £100 is nothing to her' because you've been generous in the past. You aren't in a position to do that now, so ask for your money back!

MrsMoastyToasty · 23/12/2019 23:13

Talk/text her. Be firm. Eg " I need this money back by X date, otherwise I'm going through the small claims court."

justilou1 · 23/12/2019 23:20

No more organizing anything with her (or him) again. You are not providers of free luxury good times for them.

baubled · 23/12/2019 23:57

I would text her again and just say you know it's an expensive time of year so you're happy to wait until Jan pay day, but you do really need it back as you're classing it in your savings for the house move. (Only if you can afford to wait, I know you shouldn't have to but let's be honest she doesn't have it to give does she)

It might just take the pressure off so you can keep your friendship and get the money back and please stop offering to pay for her when she "forgets her purse". It would be a shame to lose a friendship you value because her DH has got them in the shit.

BingoLittlesUncle · 24/12/2019 00:09

She's not a friend she's a sponger. Get rid (& kiss goodbye to your cash).

showmewhatyougot · 24/12/2019 06:31

She's not a really good friend, she's obviously using you! I'd never let my "friend" pay for all my lunches because I "forgot" my purse. Does she not have a phone or online banking? It's very easy to transfer money now, I'm sure your aware.

Jokie · 24/12/2019 06:51

She's definitely using you and you seem to value this friendship more than she does.

I'd remind her and then it's up to you if you forget it or not.

magoria · 24/12/2019 06:58

I bet if you stopped paying for all these things she would drop you like a hot stone.

Wallywobbles · 24/12/2019 07:02

It's a shame you can't talk to her about it I had a friend who was absolutely broke and homeless in the end. I said I'd help her in anyway I could but I would under no circumstances lend money because that would be the end of the friendship. It worked for a long time. The friendship died for another reason.

KatherineJaneway · 24/12/2019 07:08

We went to lunch a few times and she forgot her purse.

That old chestnut. You're being played. Do you enjoy being taken for a mug?

I think I’ll just forget about the money. I’ve known her too long and value her friendship too much.

I bet her friendship would dry up as soon as you stopped funding her lifestyle.

SmuggyMcKnobson · 24/12/2019 08:53

Maybe just set up a standing order to give her some of your money every month?

C'mon OP? She is just using you. Stop giving her your money.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 24/12/2019 08:58

Not a penny more to her. Let’s see if that improves her memory.

I bet you’ll hear a lot less from her once you stop subbing her.