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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my money back

78 replies

BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 20:07

I’m really not sure what I should do. My friend is having financial issues and is in quite a lot of debt. Not sure on exact figures but pretty sure it’s north of £10k.

We were meant to go out to do an activity last weekend (me, her and both our DPs). We had to book in advance and pay so I triple checked with her that she was happy and she said that she was as she was getting a bonus that month. So I booked and paid (it was non refundable) and she was excited and made no mention of being unable to pay. On the day of she cancelled. She has made no offer to pay and I think she thinks because she didn’t go that she doesn’t have to pay. But it means that I’m paying for it now, we tried to get a refund at the event as we still went but couldn’t.

We are much better off than them financially and I think she tends to think it’s ok for us to pay for her. There have been a lot of things recently that we’ve had to pay for. She probably in total owes me around £700. Some of it I did offer to treat so that doesn’t really count but just to get a rough idea of how much I subsidise her.

She is a really good friend, she is always there for me when I need her and we have a great time when we are together. She’s only had this debt for the last couple of years, before then we had no issues regarding money.

I have asked for the money but she just ignored it. So should I just forget getting the money back or should I ask again? We are planning on moving soon so really want to be saving as much as possible.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 20:50

She's taking advantage of your kind nature. Don't buy her anything else

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 20:52

agree with ElbasAbsentPenis - if you know that a good friend is in debt, it's unfair to tempt/invite her on expensive weekends away.

That she has serious debt problems is an indication that she can't manage her budget / resist temptation well - it seems she can't really afford cheaper meetups like lunch out if she "forgets" her purse.

I'd forget the £100 and focus on low cost opportunities to meet up in the future - even if it's inviting her home for a coffee/bottle of wine.

Nquartz · 23/12/2019 20:52

You aren't her friend, you're her cash machine. Why are you letting her use you like that Shock

MissConductUS · 23/12/2019 20:53

How many times have you forgotten your purse when going out for lunch?

Forget the 100 quid and the friendship.

category12 · 23/12/2019 20:53

I wouldn't be agreeing to go to lunch with her again anytime soon, unless you're prepared to somewhat pointedly josh her about "don't forget your purse this time!" beforehand.

Or suggest something free to do together instead as either she's too skint or she's scabbing off you.

Personally, I'd write off this money if you want to keep the friendship, but only do free stuff with her or stuff you genuinely don't mind picking up the tab for.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 23/12/2019 20:54

I had a friend who used to forget her purse often. She used to come visit with her kids and we'd end up paying for all of them - plus nappies (always a giant pack) and wipes. Not once did she ever repay the IOUs but then I once genuinely forgot my bank card when I was visiting and was pestered for a bank transfer for the £20 I borrowed for petrol.

I've since installed android pay on my phone - coincidentally when I left my card in the car door pocket after getting petrol - if my friend ever forgets again get her to download the app on her phone. CF will keep on taking advantage if you let her.

GreenTulips · 23/12/2019 20:56

Yep I have 2 cards and app on my phone and sometimes cash.

I wouldn’t do it again. Just avoid lunch in future

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 23/12/2019 20:57

Stop putting yourself in the situation where she owes you money. She obviously didn't bother bringing her purse because she knew you'd pick up her bill. She doesn't sound like a good friend and she's treating you like a mug.

SecretMillionaire · 23/12/2019 20:59

She’s taking advantage of you and is not as good a friend as you may think.

FurryDogMother · 23/12/2019 21:05

In my 60 years of life, I have never once 'forgotten' my purse when out with friends. Not once - and yet your friend has done this several times? She's taking the piss!

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 21:07

The 'woops! Forgot my purse' thing is classic, and anyone who genuinely just forgot their purse would do you a bank transfer when they got home.

Don't book any activities again unless she gives you the money up front, of course.

A PP had a good idea to just invite her round for coffee/wine etc.

Am just agreeing with the PP's, really.

BronteShortbread · 23/12/2019 21:09

She owes you £100 for the recent event. Surely she hasn’t had £600 for lunches. What else have you paid for?

Stop now, this isn’t just a few quid here and there.

FruitcakeOfHate · 23/12/2019 21:10

Oh, please! Who fall for the ol' 'forgot my purse' in an era where everyone has a phone and can transfer money with a few clicks. Hell, half the people I know pay with their smart watch.

Stop inviting her out to stuff that costs money. You'll never see a penny.

Original poster
BlueRose91 · 23/12/2019 21:12

The financial issues are not her fault but her DPs. She is genuinely good with money and her DP managed it get caught in a pay day loan loop. Was getting pay day loans to pay off the last one and she had no idea.

We do do lots of free things and I have her over for dinner a lot. This last thing was her idea as a treat as they hadn’t been anywhere in ages. But I do think you are all right and I should get money upfront in future.

I think I’ll just forget about the money. I’ve known her too long and value her friendship too much. I don't want to add to her stresses especially over Christmas

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 23/12/2019 21:13

I had a really wonderful friend who always “ forgot her purse.”
It got very embarrassing and eventually I had to cut my losses. I only realised that she was a financial limpet when I went to her house for a birthday party. A number of her friends were there that I’d never met before as their children went to the same school. All they could talk about was how reluctant my friend was to pay up and how much she owed them.
I suggest that you text her that she still owes you money. She’ll come up with a lame excuse then avoid her. She won’t change and will quickly find someone else to try her luck on.
Spongers always do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 21:16

Good with money and “forgets” her wallet? No love, no, it’s just bollocks.

Isleepinahedgefund · 23/12/2019 21:19

Her debt is a red herring when it comes to paying you back - she is a complete CF and taking advantage of you. She expects not to have to pay you back - she has absolutely no intention of doing so. No one forgets their purse that often! And these days the vast majority of people have access to some way of transferring funds via an app, or paying with a card stored on their phone. Or does she forget her phone too?

She may have deep financial problems, or she might not - but if she does it doesn’t excuse her using you as a cash cow.

However her debt seems to be a significant factor in your willingness to keep bankrolling her. I’d stop feeling sorry for her and don’t pay for anything else unless you are genuinely happy to spend the money without getting it back. Her finances are none of your concern.

ellendegeneres · 23/12/2019 21:20

You say you value her friendship too much, but she clearly doesn’t! She’s using you and you’re letting her. So either call it for what it is and demand the money back (because any issues arising from it are down to her not you) or accept that you’re effectively her free money tap where she knows if she ‘forgets’ her purse, you’ll sub her with no hope of getting it back.
By the way, I have forgotten my purse. And I’ve offered to do a bank transfer there and then for whatever money is spent on me. I’ve also realised I don’t have the money for a coffee out with a friend and so said so, with the offer to come to mine instead for a coffee. It’s really not difficult to sort that situation and see it for what it is

gamerchick · 23/12/2019 21:22

think I’ll just forget about the money. I’ve known her too long and value her friendship too much. I don't want to add to her stresses especially over Christmas

Do you think she cares about your friendship when she's sponging off you?

Well good luck anyway.

Flupibass · 23/12/2019 21:23

Just know that every time you do anything at all together you will pay. Either accept that and do it or make sure you never do anything or go anywhere that costs money.

Really twice in a row when a friend doesn’t pay her way should be enough of an alarm for you to be wary.

tectonicplates · 23/12/2019 21:24

It's an age old problem, unfortunately. Here's another thread that was written today by someone else www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3776136-to-think-friend-is-a-cf

Sorry OP, you're not going to like this, but this situation is actually partly of your own making. You've lent her money on several occasions without insisting on getting it back, therefore you've built up a reputation as being an easy target and a soft touch for her to easily get money without being to pay it back. The only way to stop this ongoing situation is for you to put your foot down and refuse to lend her any more money in the future. And stop going to things where you have to pay afterwards like restaurants etc, then she can't "forget" Hmm her purse. But this change has to come from you.

SpeckledyHen · 23/12/2019 21:24

She’s taking you for a mug . Write off this one and learn a lesson from it for the future.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/12/2019 21:25

For an event like that it's not just about the money, it's about the company.

But I agree with @minesagin37 - if you knew she was in such financial difficulty why on earth did you push this event at her? That was insensitive at best.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/12/2019 21:25

Personally, if you're financially comfortable I'd let it go this time. BUT I'd never pay upfront for anything for her again. Nor would I eat out with her, if she's in the habit of 'forgetting' her purse.

Though maybe you'd be brave enough to still eat out with her, but say, 'Don't forget your purse this time!' when arranging,
She'd have to be pretty brazen to 'forget' it after that.

However it's possible that when you suggest activities or meals out, she's too embarrassed to say she can't afford it.

If so, cheap meals/activities only in future, or your treat, given that you're evidently well aware of her circumstances.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 23/12/2019 21:30

I would genuinely be surprised if anyone genuinely used the ‘I forgot my purse‘ line - especially when it is so easy to send money to friends via PayPal or internet banking. My husband has genuinely forgotten his wallet before so I PayPal’ed his friend who was then able to pay via their account.

Saying that, if your friend is genuinely financially struggling and is someone who has always been there for you, I would write off the money she owes you. And only invite her to events you are happy to cover the cost of.