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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your Dad had a secret child

100 replies

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:25

Not quite AIBU but wanted a broad range of answers.
I found out when I was 7 that I was adopted (now nearly 40) and that I had been born to a 17-year-old Mum who was forced to give me up and that she had never named my Dad.
Aged 25 I traced my Mum and discovered a half-brother and sister who already knew about me and although not always easy and straightforward we now have a pretty close relationship.
Last year I found out my Dad's name without meaning to and after never being bothered about knowing the curiosity grew and I traced him at the end of November and contacted him 2 weeks ago.
Turns out that he didn't know I existed as Mum had never told him, he has been lovely about it all and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and met the other day. He is married and told his wife they day he got my letter, however he has a son, daughter and step-daughter who obviously know nothing about me.
How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances? Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?
I really do not want to cause trouble for him (although maybe it is too late for that!) and don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
Ivysaurus · 23/12/2019 13:34

Gosh this is hard on you to feel guilty about it when you shouldn't feel that way at all. I think it's not really a secret child when he genuinely didn't know about it. I think if my dad found out about another son or daughter now I think I would expect him to tell us (his adult children) shortly after he found out. I would feel shocked I suppose but I would be interested in finding out more and perhaps meeting them, I wouldn't be upset with/angry at my dad for this as it's not really his fault

justmyview · 23/12/2019 13:36

Your Dad sounds nice. Fair enough he hasn't rushed to tell his wider family about you immediately. It's a lot for him to process. I'd be more concerned if months go by and he doesn't tell them

Good luck x

Minky35 · 23/12/2019 13:38

I think I would be very shocked, but ultimately curious as to what they were like / who they were.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 23/12/2019 13:38

I think I would be absolutely stunned. But in the context you describe, I would be supportive and welcoming. God knows how I'd fair out of people started being angry at me for my teenage stupidity.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/12/2019 13:40

My dad? I wouldn't be surprised but he is a cheat 🤷‍♀️

Depends what sort of man your dad is

AteAllTheAfterEights · 23/12/2019 13:41

Sadly I’d be unsurprised

TheJoxter · 23/12/2019 13:41

He didn’t know about you so it’s not like he’s been keeping you secret all these years. It’s probably better that they found out through him (and you) rather than any other way. I know someone who accidentally met her unknown half sibling at a party and it caused a lot of awkwardness

TheJoxter · 23/12/2019 13:42

(Although in that situation the girl was aware that her dad had 10+ children by several women but didn’t actually know who any of them were)

steff13 · 23/12/2019 13:44

I'd be shocked, but in your circumstances not upset. It's not as though your dad had a secret second family or cheated on his wife with your mother. I think that would be harder to swallow.

MRex · 23/12/2019 13:44

I'd be shocked, but keen to meet them. At such a late stage, how much I'd see them after that would depend on them as a person poor than anything else. If he didn't know about you them it's quite different for all of you, particularly for his children, because he didn't actually lie to them in that case. It would be far more problematic if he had lied, but not your problem. I didn't quite understand what your father said about telling them, if he plans to then he sounds decent. Have you considered telling him that you're happy for him to pass on your contact details if his other children request it? Or would you want to tell him you'd like to meet them? Certainly you don't need to run away, it isn't your fault that you exist. While they may or may not want to get to know you, it will be more about their personalities than about you.

MRex · 23/12/2019 13:45

*more not poor!

helpfulperson · 23/12/2019 13:46

If I'm honest in those circumstances I'd be looking for proof that they were genuine and that he was the father.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 23/12/2019 13:48

I think in this situation I wouldn’t really see it as a “secret” child, given as he didn’t know you existed. I think I’d be curious and want to meet you (I’m an only child who’d have loved to have siblings though). Christmas maybe isn’t the time to drop a bombshell though, but maybe in the new year?

Original poster
3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:48

Yes, he has been amazing about all of this so far bless him and must still be in complete shock himself.
I guess I am just scared about the next step. I am putting no pressure on him and it is up to him when/if he does decide to tell them, I certainly wont contact any of them myself.
Just worried I have done the wrong thing digging up the past and feel selfish for putting them through all of this.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 23/12/2019 13:48

Honestly knowing my dad I wouldn’t be surprised but I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2019 13:48

How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances? Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?

I think it could potentially cause your birth father a lot of pain and confusion to have an adult stranger pitch up, announce that he’s their father, and then almost as swiftly withdraw again.

Can you talk to him about this?

Whatsername177 · 23/12/2019 13:49

In those circumstances I would be intrigued and would want to meet you. He never knew, he has not lied to anyone, your conception wasn't the result of an affair that hurt my mum. I would want to know who you were and I'd want to get to know you.
My mum discovered she had a half brother. Completely different circumstances though. My grandad was seeing another woman at the same time as my grandma. He got them both pregnant (this was in the 1950's) and was instructed to 'do the right thing' by one of them. He married my grandma and the other poor woman was left to cope by herself. My grandma knew about the woman and her son, he paid maintenance as his father forced him to. The lady kept her son and married a man who raised him as his own. When my grandad died, all of the information about the son came out. My grandfather had nothing to do with him or the woman and the maintenance payments stopped when my great grandfather died. My mum would have loved to have met her half brother. She found him and had the opportunity to introduce herself but decided not to. He didn't know the man who raised him wasn't his biological father, so she decided to leave him be. If he had known, she would have introduced herself. But, as he didn't, she didn't want to shatter his otherwise lovely life. Good luck to you. Flowers

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/12/2019 13:50

I would be shocked but okay with it in the scenario you described. If he had known and hidden it then I would struggle more.

Winterdaysarehere · 23/12/2019 13:50

As a only dc I would be thrilled!!

DivGirl · 23/12/2019 13:51

I wouldn't be surprised, knowing my dad.

But give the guy a chance, he's only known himself for two weeks, and given he has what sounds like a fairly young family I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't tell them for a few months. Life isn't a Disney film, very few people are asking for new blood relatives for Christmas.

Original poster
3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:52

He is happy to tell them, however, wants to wait until after Christmas (which I obviously support) I guess I am just interested to see how others would react so I can gauge what to perhaps expect from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:58

@Divgirl I am more than aware than many that life isnt a Disney film, which is why I am worried about this going too far before everyone is ready

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 13:59

How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances?
I would be annoyed I was not told that I had another half-sibling.

Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?
Definitely not.

Original poster
3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:00

and thank you for all the replies so far, it really is helpful to see how others would feel and why.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2019 14:02

He didn't know.
He is not really to blame in any way.
If I found out this about my dad and I had another half sibling, I'd be well chuffed!
I didn't meet my dads DD from his first marriage until my late 40's
She's wonderful and we have a good relationship.