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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel if your Dad had a secret child

100 replies

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:25

Not quite AIBU but wanted a broad range of answers.
I found out when I was 7 that I was adopted (now nearly 40) and that I had been born to a 17-year-old Mum who was forced to give me up and that she had never named my Dad.
Aged 25 I traced my Mum and discovered a half-brother and sister who already knew about me and although not always easy and straightforward we now have a pretty close relationship.
Last year I found out my Dad's name without meaning to and after never being bothered about knowing the curiosity grew and I traced him at the end of November and contacted him 2 weeks ago.
Turns out that he didn't know I existed as Mum had never told him, he has been lovely about it all and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and met the other day. He is married and told his wife they day he got my letter, however he has a son, daughter and step-daughter who obviously know nothing about me.
How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances? Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?
I really do not want to cause trouble for him (although maybe it is too late for that!) and don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

Ssmiler · 23/12/2019 14:05

I would be delighted! I’d love to find a sister or brother as it can often be lonely without them
But I also imagine that even where the other half siblings are not “only” children they will still be glad to meet you - I know of two large families in similar circumstances and they were delighted to meet their new sibling - albeit in later life

saywhatwhatnow · 23/12/2019 14:05

He didn't know about you, and now does so it's only fair that they are told too. I would rather be told in the circumstances.

My mums dad left when she was a baby, he went on to have 5 more children with two women. Her half siblings only found out about her when he got back in touch with her and told them all as adults. She has a distant relationship with them all now (they all live abroad) which is nice for her. But it must've been a surprise for them!

TheSpottedZebra · 23/12/2019 14:06

I did. It was all a bit shit. Ultimately I have no relationship with the secret sibling - they were just a stranger to me, and still are. I bear them no ill will but am not at all interested. Harsh, but true.

It made me see the people who had kept the secret in a totally different light.

Obviously you're absolutely entitled to feel how you feel, and make contact ot not, but do be prepared that they are all individuals and are also entitled to their own feelings and reactions about it all.

AlrightyyThen · 23/12/2019 14:06

I would welcome them with open arms, I hope all things turn out well for you OP

Tighnabruaich · 23/12/2019 14:07

As someone with a lot of secrets and lies connected to her birth, I would say, give him plenty of space and time to process it all, figure out how he breaks the news etc., and yes, January would be better than over the Christmas/New Year period when things can get a bit fraught even in the best of families.

As to how I would react, I would be stunned, but then curiosity would get the better of me and I would be very keen to meet up.

Good luck!

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:08

I completely agree he is not to blame in any of this and personally I wouldn't even blame him if had known and walked away at that age.
It is good to see that many of you would see the situation for what it was though and perhaps open to meeting them.
I guess I am just used to getting hurt and as it has been a much more positive experience than I expected so far it has made me second guess my decision to contact him!
Oh and just to add brother is in his 30s and sister in her mid 20s both with children of their own so not a young family as such.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 23/12/2019 14:09

This has happened to two friends of mine and for both, they were welcomed in to the family with open arms and have excellent relationships with them now

dontcallmeduck · 23/12/2019 14:12

I’d be shocked but since I have a very poor relationship with my brother I’d be happy to have another chance at a sibling relationship

Excited101 · 23/12/2019 14:13

I think provided there was a DNA test done ASAP, I’d be shocked but really excited!

Branleuse · 23/12/2019 14:15

This happened to someone in my family. The secret children have been accepted as family fully

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 14:17

I would be gobsmacked and shocked! My parents have been married a looooong time. And of course, I can't know 100% how I would feel, as it hasn't happened to me, but I think I would be desperate to meet my brother or sister and welcome him or her into the family. I'd love to hear all about his/her life, and get to know the person. I already have siblings that I love very much. But it would be amazing to find that another brother or sister exists in this world, and I'd want to make sure we remained in contact and hopefully become close family to one another.

I am the eldest out of me and my siblings, but it wouldn't bother me that there was a 'new eldest' if that makes sense. I'd be over the moon to have another brother or sister. I'd also be hugely happy and grateful that the truth was out and that the new brother/sister had made the effort to make contact - I'd want my Dad to know he had another child, and I'd be really happy for them both that they'd 'found' each other and I'd enjoy seeing them 'reunited' and it would make me happy to see them build a relationship, or at least get to know each other. Every child deserves to know where he/she came from.

This is just my feeling though, just one person, and I don't think you can possibly know how any individual will react.

Congratulations on finding him, and I wish you all the best with whatever happens going forward. I really hope it works out well for you all.

HandsOffMyRights · 23/12/2019 14:19

This has happened to two friends of mine and for both, they were welcomed in to the family with open arms and have excellent relationships with them now

Yes, this was the same for my friend and a family member.
Hope it works out for you too OP.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:19

@Excited101 he hasn't asked for a DNA test, he accepts he was with my Mum during the right dates and accepted it straight away, however, if he wanted one I would happily agree.

I am certainly not looking for anything from him either and by the looks of things and after meeting him I am probably a fair bit more financially stable than him, so hopefully, it will be clear I am not looking for an inheritance or anything like that.

OP posts:

ExhaustedGrinch · 23/12/2019 14:22

I'd genuinely be over joyed! The more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. My dad has always said he was a 'player' and he wouldn't be surprised if children were to come knocking. He already has 4 children by 3 different women so any more wouldn't come as a surprise.

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2019 14:23

Think I’d be horrified to start with but in your circumstances, given he didn’t know, I don’t think his other dc will be too appalled! Just give him time to process/decide how/if he’s going to tell them.

christmasathome · 23/12/2019 14:24

We recently found out my granddad had two Children who were adopted (two different women) from before he married my Grandmother. His children have taken it well.

I think if you had been from an extra marital affair then it would be different but if you were from before their parents relationship then they should take it well.

Snaga · 23/12/2019 14:25

If I discovered my father had fathered someone before me and prior to my parents relationship but was unaware until recently I'd accept that's part of life.

However I'd be unlikely to welcome a half-sibling into my life as a relative just because family is more than blood, I'd treat them with the same distance and respect as any newcomer with an open mind to the future.

ravenmum · 23/12/2019 14:25

You'll only be a secret if he doesn't tell his children now. But surely he's planning to tell them?
Personally I'd be fascinated to find out what you were like, and would love the idea of an extra family member, if it turned out we got on.

Charlottejbt · 23/12/2019 14:26

I would be curious and open to meeting the person. I wouldn't expect an ongoing relationship as I'm the black sheep so the new person wouldn't hear a good account of me from my parents or existing siblings. I expect there would be a lot of drama which I would get blamed for, as that's the usual dynamic.

DP was the golden child and he does actually have an older half brother who has always been a kind of open secret in his family. His DF got some poor girl pregnant when both were teenagers, and refused to marry her. He did the same a few years later with my DP's mum, and his parents made the DF marry the girl. It was an unhappy marriage but maybe better than single parenthood at that time (late 1940s). DP has never been interested in contacting his DB even though they have mutual acquaintances and live roughly 12 miles apart. I think he worries DB will be after money from their father, who died a wealthy man. I don't know if this is the case, because French inheritance law is different. I worry that DP is making a mistake because his brother is very old and it would awful to regret not meeting him when it's too late. His other two full siblings are both dead and his DM is in her 90s and housebound.

Excited101 · 23/12/2019 14:26

He may not have asked for one 3, but as you asked what my reaction as a sibling would be, well I’d want one- definitely. I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/12/2019 14:28

He's not misled anyone, not cheated, not lived a lie, not abandoned you or done anything wrong.

I think I'd be curious.

But not horrified or upset.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/12/2019 14:30

I would be shocked but okay with it in the scenario you described. If he had known and hidden it then I would struggle more.

This ^^ He didn't know you existed so he wasn't keeping a secret. I think I'd be pleased, tbh, and enjoy getting to know you. You sound like a nice and considerate person, OP, and I think you'd be a welcome addition to the family.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:31

No, I am glad you said it @Excited101 as you are right it may certainly be how they feel too and I can prepare myself for that so thank you.

Good to see the positive replies and I am taking everything in from the less positive ones too, completely agree that everyone is individual and no one can predict what will happen, just good to see some of the reactions I may receive if it indeed gets that far.

OP posts:

MrsWhites · 23/12/2019 14:34

I would also be surprised but wouldn’t resist you coming into the family in any way. I wouldn’t describe you as a secret child because he didn’t know you existed, that would be a totally different thing. I think my initial reaction would be concern for my dad as I’m sure he got quite the shock but you sound like you are being very understanding about this and so I would welcome you and try to facilitate whatever relationship you wanted with the family.

You sound like you have dealt with this situation brilliantly by the way OP.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:36

Thank you @AmICrazyorWhat2, I would certainly like to think I am nice and considerate and the last thing I want is to cause distress to them.

With my Mum and her 2 other children is was different as I knew she hadn't wanted to give me up and had told her children from a young age that they had an older sister, so when I contacted her they were prepared, obviously my Dad couldn't do that as he didn't know himself.

OP posts:

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