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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel if your Dad had a secret child

100 replies

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:25

Not quite AIBU but wanted a broad range of answers.
I found out when I was 7 that I was adopted (now nearly 40) and that I had been born to a 17-year-old Mum who was forced to give me up and that she had never named my Dad.
Aged 25 I traced my Mum and discovered a half-brother and sister who already knew about me and although not always easy and straightforward we now have a pretty close relationship.
Last year I found out my Dad's name without meaning to and after never being bothered about knowing the curiosity grew and I traced him at the end of November and contacted him 2 weeks ago.
Turns out that he didn't know I existed as Mum had never told him, he has been lovely about it all and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and met the other day. He is married and told his wife they day he got my letter, however he has a son, daughter and step-daughter who obviously know nothing about me.
How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances? Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?
I really do not want to cause trouble for him (although maybe it is too late for that!) and don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 15:18

@DishingOutDone yes its nothing like long lost family in my experience

@Charlottejbt that is probably because I have paid for a lot of therapy over the years to help put everything in perspective Thank you and I hope so too.

OP posts:

CroissantsAtDawn · 23/12/2019 15:25

My friend was the secret sibling. The dad saw child frequently but kept it from his wife and other Dc.

It all came out when he developed alzheimers.

Secret sibling was totally rejected by half siblings and they refused any contact.

YukoandHiro · 23/12/2019 15:30

I would be shocked but secretly excited to find out more as I'm an only child.

Genevieva · 23/12/2019 15:30

In those circumstances I would be fine with it. He has on'y just found out himself. I would encourage him to get to know the child he never knew he had and I would want to get to know them too once they have had a chance to get to know one another first.

By contrast, if the circumstances were one of a child that was known about but that knowledge was deliberately kept hidden for decades then I would be thoroughly irritated with the Dad. I would still want to get to know my half sibling.

What about your grandparents? Are they alive? Do they known yet?

People are much more relaxed about this sort of thing than they used to be. I hope it works out for you.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 23/12/2019 15:37

I got a message from someone telling me she was my dad's daughter. Sh was born long before I was. He hadn't know about her - although he had known about the pregnancy and thought she had been aborted. She was given up for adoption. I put my dad in touch with her and we are all in touch. My dad's become quite close to her.

I was the only way she could find my dad - ours is a really rare surname on social media. I didn't mind at all. But I think it's maybe best to let your dad tell his family. Some people may react badly.

dreichXmas · 23/12/2019 15:37

This happened in my wider family and went down as well as a bucket of cold sick when it was discovered.
The secret child ended up very hurt by how the established family treated them in the long run.
It may end well but take care.
Things like inheritance become an issue.

ElsieMc · 23/12/2019 15:41

I am a secret child so to speak. I was adopted out in the sixties and traced my birth mother not long ago. She wanted nothing to do with me and had her sister phone me and she was not nice at all.

I left it a while and contacted my half sister. Whilst shocked, she realised quickly I was genuine because of the information I had. She had not spoken to my birth mother for 30 years which was a shock to me. There is much family bitterness. Out of her three children, she only speaks to one, her son.

My half sister did not want to meet me. I think she is somewhat more like our mother than she cares to admit. I asked about my dad and she said she felt uncomfortable that her biological dad may also be mine because there is only fifteen months between me and my half/brother. However, she said she would never tell him about me and didnt ever want me to contact him, citing health as the reason.

My birth mother named another man as my dad but it was a bit like John Smith iyswim. I still have no answers and have never even met my bio family.

I am pleased for you op that you have managed to forge some kind of relationship with your second family. I am glad you have been treated with kindness.

bananahood · 23/12/2019 15:42

Oh this happened to a good friend of mine. Her and her siblings were initially shocked and upset (younger ones in particular who would have been late teens at the time) but when they got over the shock they were interested in meeting the new sibling. Although they're not close, they spend time together occasionally and include the new sibling in extended family gatherings. Good luck OP.

Butterfly84 · 23/12/2019 15:43

It must have a big shock for your dad OP. A big shock but an amazing one. To have a daughter that you knew nothing about. This is such an emotional situation for everyone involved. If I was your dad, I would feel guilty for not knowing about you and not raising you. He's got to come to terms with this.

If I was one of your dad's other children, my first reaction would be shock and I would want to know what kind of relationship he had with your mum. And then I would be really happy to have another sibling and welcome you with open arms.

notnowmaybelater · 23/12/2019 15:47

Assuming that the older child was born before my own parents met, and especially if my dad didn't know (and I genuinely believed he didn't - from my biological mother's account not just biological father's) I would feel mostly positive about it.

However - and it's a big issue in some circumstances - I would be initially very sceptical indeed and suspect a scammer. Unfortunately I think you probably have to anticipate not being believed initially unless you have irrefutable proof.

Emeraldshamrock · 23/12/2019 16:10

@3ismylot Best of luck OP.
I am sure you'll be a valued place in your new family. ♥️

ThighThighOfthigh · 23/12/2019 16:17

I would be shocked at a surprise new person, i wouldn't be angry as it's not as though there have been secrets and lies. I would be cautious as my existing sibling relationships are not very rewarding. If we liked each other i would hope to make a friend but i don't think I could gain a sibling as there would be 30-40 years missing.

I'm not adopted so i can only look at this from that perspective but i sometimes wonder if curiosity kills the cat. I can understand the intense curiosity about one's roots but people could end up walking into a complete battlefield of dreadful and complex family relationships.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 16:36

Thank you all again for taking the time to share your stories and reply, it really is helpful to see all the different perspectives.
I really have gone into this with no expectations, I have absolutely no right to make any kind of demands of him and never would. I was planning to take things very slowly but it has moved at a quicker pace at his request, he is the one who makes contact every morning and he apologises if he has a busy day ahead in case he cannot talk much as he doesn't want me to think I am ignoring him
I honestly hadn't thought about DNA tests but I am thankful to the posters who have raised this as I can now be prepared for it. I am definitely not after any kind of inheritance (I am by no means rich but I am financially stable), in fact, my Mum has just been doing her will and everything is going to my sister bar a few personal items with my complete blessing.

I am not naive that this will be straightforward and easy either, I know we will never have a true Father-Daughter bond because at my age it is impossible but I am open to seeing what happens with him and my half siblings if they want to know too.

OP posts:

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 16:39

Oh and from what has been said they were together for about a year, it wasn't a fling of any kind.

OP posts:

EerieSilence · 23/12/2019 16:39

I wouldn’t be surprised as my not so dear Daddy has always been a selfish narcissist gobshite. I would be keen to know the person as they’re family after all. They’re not responsible for mistakes of grown-ups.

ThighThighOfthigh · 23/12/2019 16:41

I am open to seeing what happens with him and my half siblings if they want to know too i think this is sensible, what do you wish for? Friends? Or siblings?

ThighThighOfthigh · 23/12/2019 16:43

they’re family after all but not really, they're biologically related but the time is already lost.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 16:48

@ThighThighOfthigh I would like it to be maybe somewhere in between as that's what I had with my Bro and have with my Sister, but I will have to see how they feel and see what develops really.
I have already seen first hand that while you can have a good relationship we will never have those secret little shared memories and in-jokes that many siblings have and that is no ones fault just reality.

OP posts:

Philomena · 23/12/2019 16:53

Test

Philomena · 23/12/2019 16:59

Sorry, was testing a name change. It worked, phew. Actually, I do know what it is like to be in this situation. My mother told me this summer that my father had another child. I’m 44, and so it the other child.

My mother refused to tell me any other details and she passed away in August. I haven’t spoken to my father about it. As it happens, I do know the “other daughter” but I don’t know if we are actually related or not. I have spoken to my brother about it and we both agree that we don’t want to raise it with our father.

They have a relationship of sorts together and my brother and I both feel that it isn’t anything to do with us. We weren’t raised together, don’t have any connection apart from shared DNA so that’s that.

Maybe we will change our minds further down the line but for now I’m happy not to meet her. I hope that she has a decent relationship with our father for their sake but I don’t feel any need to be a part of it. I feel very said for my mother that she knew about this for so long and kept it a secret. It must have been very hard for her.

I wish you all the very best. I hope what I have shared with you doesn’t put you off but perhaps helps you understand how they might feel.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 17:15

No thank you @Philomena I honestly do want to see it from all different sides and can understand why you feel as you do.

OP posts:

Dontknownow86 · 23/12/2019 17:21

This fear had put me off finding my real dad for years even though the not knowing drives me crazy. Hope it all goes well for you op.

makingmammaries · 23/12/2019 17:21

I think I’d be hugely curious and want to meet you.

My DH has two older children from two previous relationships who had never met one another. Last year, the elder one, my DSD, decided to bite the bullet, contacted her half-brother, and met him. It seemed to go well. She was not exactly a secret to him, but a bit of a taboo subject when he was growing up.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/12/2019 19:19

So many different variations on a theme here.

I'm the sister of a "secret sibling" who was born before my parents met. The sibling was (reluctantly) put up for adoption but traced h
our mutual parent when he was 21.

My other sibling and I were surprised but otherwise not bothered. Our mutual parent was hugely relieved to hear from him, as they had been distraught to give him up for adoption. My other parent had known of the secret sibling's existence and took it in their stride.

Thirty years on, we're all still in touch. We're not a close family & all live in different parts of the country so we don't spend lots of time together. We went to secret sibling's wedding when he got married (and met his adoptive parents who were lovely). Secret sibling, his wife and children came to a family lunch for our shared parent's milestone birthday last year. Etc etc.

Excuse all the evasion, it's quite outing obviously . Just to say that it was never a big deal to the rest of us, we just accepted it (in a nice way) and it's just normal for us now.

Original poster

3ismylot · 24/12/2019 08:44

Thank you @DisplayPurposesOnly I am glad it all worked out and good to hear that you didn't hold any resentment.

I suppose we all just need to take it a day at a time, I just think that the initial shock and adrenaline of it all has now worn off and it all seems a bit real

OP posts:

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