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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel if your Dad had a secret child

100 replies

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 13:25

Not quite AIBU but wanted a broad range of answers.
I found out when I was 7 that I was adopted (now nearly 40) and that I had been born to a 17-year-old Mum who was forced to give me up and that she had never named my Dad.
Aged 25 I traced my Mum and discovered a half-brother and sister who already knew about me and although not always easy and straightforward we now have a pretty close relationship.
Last year I found out my Dad's name without meaning to and after never being bothered about knowing the curiosity grew and I traced him at the end of November and contacted him 2 weeks ago.
Turns out that he didn't know I existed as Mum had never told him, he has been lovely about it all and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and met the other day. He is married and told his wife they day he got my letter, however he has a son, daughter and step-daughter who obviously know nothing about me.
How would you feel if your Dad announced he had an older child in these circumstances? Do you think I should drop contact before he tells them?
I really do not want to cause trouble for him (although maybe it is too late for that!) and don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 14:40

would meet if Father encouraging of that - but am NC with brother and was with my mother for long periods of time, so I don't consider being related to someone as reason to enjoy their company or to see them.

If I liked 'new sibling' I'd stay in touch, if I didn't, wouldn't bother or keep contact minimal.

You don't say a great deal about your adoptive family - do be tactful with this, especially over the Christmas period if you're seeing them.

Devaki · 23/12/2019 14:42

My DH found out a couple of years ago that he had a half brother that none of the family knew about. Unfortunately DH's Dad died years ago so never had a relationship with his other son. Although apparently he did know about the child.
Other siblings have met the half brother but DH has no interest in seeing him or having any kind of relationship with him.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:43

Thank you @MrsWhites I have certainly tried to handle it sensitively and I have told him that he can as long as he needs to process all of this and that I will respect any decision he makes about this going forward.

I would never force his hand or contact any other family members behind his back, I only want a relationship with him if that is what he wants and will leave the past in the past if that is what he prefers.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2019 14:45

I know my dad is a decent man and I would support him as he tried to build a relationship with you.

I would also be curious at finding an older sister, and would want to get to know her, and any nieces or nephews I might have.

I assume these other children are a bit younger than you? And I assume your biological dad wasn’t cheating on their mum, so while it might be a bit of a surprise, I am sure they will understand.

Good luck, I hope it all goes well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2019 14:46

I would be shocked but equally really look forward to meeting them. My brother is horrible to me so this would perhaps br my chance to have a loving sibling relationship.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 14:46

@Fr0g I am NC with my adoptive family (Mother was a narcissist, Father an enabler, Brother the golden child and me the scapegoat) so completely agree that being a family does not always equal liking each other

OP posts:

MintToBee · 23/12/2019 14:49

My Dad discovered he had a 52 year old son last January. It was a bit of a shock. We did get in touch but he (half brother) has disappeared from our lives again.

Strictly1972 · 23/12/2019 14:51

I wouldn’t be surprised. My dad was a bit of a player. In fact I fully expect to discover some siblings when he eventually passes & we go through his things. I love my dad & this sounds harsh but I think if they came looking for him now they’d be disappointed in what they found. He has a lot of MH issues.

I think you sound like you are handling it really well. I’d say give him some time to process things. Hopefully you can build a relationship from there. Good luck.

Besidesthepoint · 23/12/2019 14:53

I'd want to meet my half sibling a.s.a.p. , DH is less fussed. I think that the difference is that I already get along with my brother and DH hates his sister so I view a sibling as a positive and he doesn't.

Chillyegg · 23/12/2019 14:57

Personally don’t worry about it . It isn’t isn’t your thing to sort . You were the one adopted and the one that’s rightfully sort out where you come from. Don’t expect much , but don’t knock down bridges before they begin. If you get asked for a dna then do it. See them as a bonus in your life if they want to be part of it. But at least when it’s out , it’s out and you have no regrets. Your poor birth dad never knowing. And poor you for going through this

mediumbrownmug · 23/12/2019 15:01

OP, while it would be a surprise, I’d want another sibling too. Just adding my voice to the PP already saying the same.

Durgasarrow · 23/12/2019 15:02

These are the best possible circumstances under which to have a surprise sibling. Your father was innocent of knowing you existed. In the modern world with 23 and Me etc., this secret can't be kept forever. So don't feel guilty! XOXO

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 15:03

Thank you @Chillyegg, I do try and remember that I had no say in my birth and I agree that everyone has the right to know where they come from but I still feel guilty as it involves so many others than me. Yes I am working on the saying that you only regret the things you didn't do here
I do feel bad that my Mum never told him and he has needlessly apologised so many times for not knowing bless him.

OP posts:

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 15:04

Thank you everyone I really do appreciate every single reply

OP posts:

Usernamechange1 · 23/12/2019 15:06

I would be so happy/excited. The more to love in a family the absolute better!!

Like a PP said. You're not some secrect love child he's been hiding away after a trashy affair and been sneaking around with you as his second family raising you. Taking you and your mum off on holidays when he said he had to work away - kind of thing. If that were the case, I'd feel jelous that my dad had preferred to spend his time with his secrect love affair child than with his legit family - does that make sense?

However, this situation is so so far from that. He had no idea. You had no idea. The both of you are innocent as have had this info ommited. But now you have found eachother which is so lovely. Honest to god, I'd be thrilled.

I wish you all the very best and a very happy Christmas

RNBrie · 23/12/2019 15:06

I’d be delighted. We have a big family and I’d be pleased that everyone had the courage to step up and get to know each other.

My dad would be devastated though, that he’d never had the chance to be a good dad to you. I am sure he’d worry about the impact to everyone and my mum can be a bitch so maybe she’d be weird about it. But pretty sure all of my siblings would be curious and welcoming. And my kids would be over the moon at the thought of a surprise aunt!

Thornhill58 · 23/12/2019 15:07

I personally wouldn't mind at all, I may be excited.
Ultimately it's his decision. It's all news to everyone.

justmyview · 23/12/2019 15:07

However I'd be unlikely to welcome a half-sibling into my life as a relative just because family is more than blood, I'd treat them with the same distance and respect as any newcomer with an open mind to the future

I think this is a sensible attitude. I'd be curious to meet the new person, but I wouldn't assume happy endings. Best to manage your own expectations

Emeraldshamrock · 23/12/2019 15:07

If he didn't know you existed you were not a secret DC.
If I found out he had a secret DC he was aware of abs abandoned I'd be extremely angry with him.
In your situation I'd look forward to meeting you. Goodluck you do sound lovely.
Sorry to ask did you asked your DM if she ever told him? My sisters DH had a DC turn up, he said he never knew, turned out he did know.

pinkyboots1 · 23/12/2019 15:11

I've always known that I had 2 older half brothers (never met them but would love too) from when Dad was in the army and apart from intense curiosity it's never bothered me at all. My older full brother denies ever knowing (he was told) and is quite angry about it all (he's the golden child and I can only think it's a fear of his 'position' being challenged that bothers him) I think that the sooner your Dad tells them the better ...

DishingOutDone · 23/12/2019 15:11

Its not all Long Lost Family is it. I've seen both sides - my mother kept me a secret from my half sisters but I think they found out. I did say to her even if you don't want me to see them a secret like that is a dangerous tactic but I assume its paid off as now I dont hear from any of them!

A male friend had a daughter turn up that he had not told any of his family about; the response was that the daughter and her half siblings became a really tight knit team and excluded their father, which is still the case some 10 years on

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 23/12/2019 15:11

I know a family this happened to - in total there were 5 adult ‘children’ affected. Youngest was early 20’s at point of discovery: 3 out of the five keep in touch across both family units, other 2 not at all interested in forging a relationship with anyone other than their nuclear family siblings. The first family always thought he would go on to have another family ( he abandoned them when they were young )... the second family had no idea they were kids 3,4 and 5 for their Father.

Charlottejbt · 23/12/2019 15:13

Wow OP, you sound incredibly well adjusted given your adoptive experience. I really hope your birth family are welcoming and nice, but it's good that you are trying to be mentally prepared for all outcomes. Best of luck.

Original poster

3ismylot · 23/12/2019 15:14

@Emeraldshamrock yes my Mum confirmed that she never told him, she knew her Dad would force her into an abortion so she kept the pregnancy secret for as long as she could (around 6 months) and refused to name my Father at the time. When I first traced her she asked if I wanted to know his name but I was so overwhelmed with meeting her that I didn't, I never raised it again but sadly my half brother (from her) died suddenly last year and his name came up in a discussion and the curiosity grew until I knew I had to do something about it.

OP posts:

Lunafortheloveogod · 23/12/2019 15:16

We have a similar situation that really unless we fork out for dna tests (bio dad is deceased so can’t exactly tell anyone) we’ll never know and it’s just been left as we’re 2 freakishly similar looking people. It’s no benefit to either of us, dad wasn’t around for me either and left nothing but a debt letter so it’s not like I’d be able to offer her anything.

I’m my bio dads only “registered” child.. he was married before my dm and had multiple affairs before they split, so there could be 50 of us.

A few years ago a close friend phoned me irritated telling me to turn the hell around she was behind me.. I’m like “you’re not I’m in my kitchen”.. convinced I was lying she just said “yeah right” and hung up. She then sent me a picture of.. what could’ve been me if she had a tattoo on her collar bone (actually sent it to dm later captioned night out like my hair and she told me it was lovely..)

Friend had made a joke we must’ve been related etc and asked who her mum/dad were.. more incase she was related to one of my uncles who we don’t speak to.. she didn’t know her dad but her mum was x and lived in y.. where dad had lived and I wasn’t allowed to go to his home address (mum assumed it was a dodgy mates sofa) for around two years before she was born.. apparently her dad buggered off when her mum found out she was pregnant with her.

Honestly it’s only a secret if it goes to the grave.. they’re adults and he never actually knew so it’s not like he intentionally hid you or done a runner. It might be a bit odd to start with but as long as you’re open and not price checking the ornaments if you visit you’ll be fine.

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