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WWYD? AIBU? So confused...

63 replies

RockinAround · 22/12/2019 23:40

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years. Two DC. All good.

Before I met DH I was in a relationship, living with and briefly engaged to another man (let’s call him John). John and I were childhood friends and were together romantically for 5 years ...he was absolutely my ‘big’ love before I met DH.

Over the years John and I have had sporadic contact. DH aware. Mainly just the odd email or text updating on our lives. John also married and had three DC - marriage ended 3 years ago.

Fast forward to last year. Hadn’t heard from John in 4 years. He texted happy birthday to me which led to a text convo where I found out his marriage was over and he had stage 2 bowel cancer. It was a friendly but functional exchange. I wished him well, no further contact.

In the summer, a mutual friend told me John was ill . Bowel cancer had spread to his liver.
He was also stuck in a vicious court battle with ex wife over access to the children. I was sad for him. Sent a short message saying I hoped he was ok and that was it. He replied thanking me for my concern. Nothing more.

I’ve just had a message from him saying the cancer is now in his lungs and he is in a hospice. He’d like to see me. I would love to see him, too. He was my best childhood friend and my love for 5 years. He was a huge part of my life. I feel so sad to think he might leave the world without seeing him again.

Do I go and see him? Tell DH? Is it wrong or stupid to want to see him, even? I feel so confused.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ladylunchalot · 23/12/2019 00:29

Definitely go, you will always have regrets if you don't.

BodenGate · 23/12/2019 00:29

It’s one of his dying wishes which you can make happen. Tell your husband you are going to say goodbye as you will have to live with yourself if you don’t and it’s too late.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 00:54

Sometimes its better to do the right thing for someone and ask forgiveness from others, than ask for their permission and let down the person who needs you.

Go and see him. If your DH is the good guy you say he is then he will understand, and support you through your grief when your friend passes. I had a similarish situation in the summer in that I wasnt sure if I should "butt in" by seeing a friend who was in a hospice. He and I were both very glad I did and it made losing him .... not easier exactly, but less raw, knowing we had caught up and were still the friends at the end that we had always been.

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 23/12/2019 00:57

Definitely go. This will be your only chance and it sounds like you will massively regret it if you don't.

Redwinestillfine · 23/12/2019 01:00

Tell your DH he is dying and has asked to see you. Say you feel that you should go.

cakeandchampagne · 23/12/2019 01:01

Go and see him. You will be glad you did.

onemoresipofthehenny · 23/12/2019 01:37

Aww please go OP my heart is breaking. That's so sad. I hope you do decide to go & if you do I think you would make him so happy.

DameSquashalot · 23/12/2019 01:43

I agree. Go and see him and tell your DH.

DramaAlpaca · 23/12/2019 02:35

Yes, I agree with everyone else. Go and see him but you must be open with your DH and tell him.

Pixxie7 · 23/12/2019 03:05

Tell your husband how you feel, it can’t do any harm to go and say your goodbyes surely.

RachelYC · 23/12/2019 03:57

Tell your DH and go - it would be a kindness for John, and it is clearly important to you x

ColdCottage · 23/12/2019 04:14

Yes. He is your friend. Of course go

Geog1985 · 23/12/2019 05:17

Please go OP.

Regardless of anything else, you wouldn’t be able to cope ‘after’ if you don’t see him now.

Angie6868 · 23/12/2019 05:20

He's your friend. He's dying. Please go and see him

PragmaticWench · 23/12/2019 05:29

It sounds as though you feel guilty for remembering your love for John, as though that impacts your relationship with your DH. It really doesn't, you've never been inappropriate with John whilst with your DH, and it's fine to have had a previous love.

Go without guilt and see John. It may well stir up lots of memories but that doesn't change your love for your DH or your marriage to him.

Glovesick · 23/12/2019 06:36

Tell DH and go.

You will grieve and need DH's support, so be open.

MarieG10 · 23/12/2019 06:39

I would go, but don't leave it long if he is in a hospice as the chances are that he has days left

MKUltrachic · 23/12/2019 06:45

Go. You care deeply, and ‘love’ isn’t a finite thing - you can still have feelings of love and fondness for an old friend, especially one in such dire circumstances.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/12/2019 07:04

Yes, go without guilt - you have done nothing wrong.

Comforting a dying man who you once loved deeply in no way says anything about your relationship with your own husband

TheTrollFairy · 23/12/2019 07:07

Definitely go and tell DH. It doesn’t seem like a romantic gesture, it seems like someone seeing their friend of 25 years

ElluesPichulobu · 23/12/2019 07:13

of course you go to see him.

there are many different kinds of love. the love between you of romance and sex is over and done with and your partnered relationship finished many years ago but you still have a deep bond of "brotherly" love and friendship which has not and should not end. it is not disloyal to dh, you are not even thinking of rekindling an old flame or anything like that. this is not a matter of fidelity. this is a dying human being in pain who is your friend, and your visit will help him to get through his last few days on this earth. do not hesitate to go.

of course you should tell your dh that you are going. there is nothing to be ashamed of.

GreyhoundzRool · 23/12/2019 07:38

It wouldn’t even cross my mind that this was a romantic gesture -just a final goodbye to a good friend.

Please go if you can

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 23/12/2019 07:42

Go. You will only regret it if you don’t. Surely your DH will understand,

homeishere · 23/12/2019 07:48

You’re hardly to fuck his brains out on his death bed and run away with him are you?

It will be a nice chance to reminisce and show him some compassion. Go.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2019 07:51


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