Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

WWYD? AIBU? So confused...

63 replies

RockinAround · 22/12/2019 23:40

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years. Two DC. All good.

Before I met DH I was in a relationship, living with and briefly engaged to another man (let’s call him John). John and I were childhood friends and were together romantically for 5 years ...he was absolutely my ‘big’ love before I met DH.

Over the years John and I have had sporadic contact. DH aware. Mainly just the odd email or text updating on our lives. John also married and had three DC - marriage ended 3 years ago.

Fast forward to last year. Hadn’t heard from John in 4 years. He texted happy birthday to me which led to a text convo where I found out his marriage was over and he had stage 2 bowel cancer. It was a friendly but functional exchange. I wished him well, no further contact.

In the summer, a mutual friend told me John was ill . Bowel cancer had spread to his liver.
He was also stuck in a vicious court battle with ex wife over access to the children. I was sad for him. Sent a short message saying I hoped he was ok and that was it. He replied thanking me for my concern. Nothing more.

I’ve just had a message from him saying the cancer is now in his lungs and he is in a hospice. He’d like to see me. I would love to see him, too. He was my best childhood friend and my love for 5 years. He was a huge part of my life. I feel so sad to think he might leave the world without seeing him again.

Do I go and see him? Tell DH? Is it wrong or stupid to want to see him, even? I feel so confused.

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

264 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

1%

You are NOT being unreasonable

99%

iwantavuvezela · 22/12/2019 23:42

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I would say Go and see him. Tell your DH, he will probs oh support you with this as well.

Thanks

StanleyWalkersThirdWife · 22/12/2019 23:44

I agree with the pp, tell your DH and go and see him.

Thanks

AlunWynsKnee · 22/12/2019 23:45

Tell your DH and go and see him. It's not stupid.

Thanks

Justgorgeous · 22/12/2019 23:45

Please go. Just that.

Thanks

BonnyConnie · 22/12/2019 23:45

Of course go an see him and tell your DH. If he expresses any reservations he’s not a nice person quite frankly. I’d never begrudge my DH visit one of his former lives on her deathbed. No reasonable person would.

Thanks

TreadLightly3 · 22/12/2019 23:45

I would definitely go if I were you. Why would your DH be upset? There isn’t anything for him to be worried about and John is legitimately someone you would want to reconnect with one last time.

Thanks

anxioussue · 22/12/2019 23:47

Tell your DH and go and see him, if it's want John wants then it's appropriate. Will your DH be supportive of you after the visit ?

Thanks

Natsel84 · 22/12/2019 23:48

I would tell your dh
And go and see him
You would only regret it if you didn't. You need to say your goodbyes and have some closure. X

Thanks

Baconmaker · 22/12/2019 23:49

I would just explain it to DH and tell him you're going to see him in the hospice. I hardly think DH will be jealous of the poor man in his hospice bed.

Thanks

RockinAround · 22/12/2019 23:52

DH isn’t a jealous or unreasonable person. He is 100% a good guy. I’m sure he would be fine with it.

I guess I am just worried it might seem like a romantic gesture...going to see my furst love one last time. I don’t know. Probably stupid and projecting my mixed feelings because I did massively live this nan and it’s throwing me back to that time in our lives.

I also haven’t shared with DH how sick John is. He knows he has cancer, but I haven’t updated him blow by blow,

Also, stupid Christmas! I’d have to take a day out of our family celebrations to travel and see John. It wouldn’t be a huge issue. I suppose... I just feel torn . Although not really torn, actually, I want to see him.

OP posts:

Thanks

cantthinkofauniquename · 22/12/2019 23:52

Another voice saying 'go'.

Thanks

RockinAround · 22/12/2019 23:52

Love this man! No nans involved

OP posts:

Thanks

Toomuchgoingon · 22/12/2019 23:53

Then you should go and see him. Explain to your DH and then go. Wishing you well. I think you would regret it if you didn't go

Thanks

Renoirsdancer · 22/12/2019 23:54

Go see him op, I think you'll regret if you don't.

Thanks

Jarline · 22/12/2019 23:55

Go.
If he is in a hospice, then you will never be able to undo it if you don't.

Thanks

MoonlightBonnet · 22/12/2019 23:55

Go. You’ll really regret it if you don’t.

Thanks

AntiHop · 22/12/2019 23:56

No need to feel torn. Go and see him.

Thanks

eaglejulesk · 23/12/2019 00:13

Tell your DH how ill John is and go and see him. He was a big part of your former life, and this is your last chance to see him, and I think you will regret it if you don't go.

Thanks

QueenofPain · 23/12/2019 00:15

If your DH has a problem with it then frankly he needs to get a grip, the man is dying, he poses no risk to your relationship.

Go and see your friend!

Thanks

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/12/2019 00:17

It's not romantic, he's dying. No decent person ever would have a problem with this or be upset/annoyed/jealous. Just go tomorrow.

Thanks

GoldLeafTree · 23/12/2019 00:18

Definitely go!

Thanks

choppolata · 23/12/2019 00:19

Go! Please go.

Thanks

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/12/2019 00:22

Go. Your DH will understand, if he’s a good man.

Thanks

BumpyLumps · 23/12/2019 00:25

Deffo go. If your DH has a problem with it then he's seriously fucked up.

Thanks

PositiveVibes11 · 23/12/2019 00:26

Please please go.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.