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AIBU?

Is my mum taking over my pregnancy or AIBU?

97 replies

lostandconfused2 · 22/12/2019 21:41

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and I feel really overwhelmed by my mum.

Let met just start by saying I am 24, financially independent, in a good job, and renting a nice property. I am in a relationship with my baby's dad and I feel like I am really ready to have this baby. I'm only saying this to basically say that I won't be relying on her with my baby when he is born, not to gloat or anything.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, and the further I'm getting a long, I feel like everything is about my mum and what she wants. She insisted on coming to my 20 week scan and when I said I wanted to take my partner she got upset and said she 'wouldn't bother' in future. I gave in and said okay you can come along, and she then said she didn't want to now.

My mum doesn't like my partner, and she constantly slags him off even though it makes me uncomfortable. She'll say he looks like a rat and other personal insults and will mock him and his job to me. I ask her to stop but she doesn't, only puts on an 'oops' face after saying things.

I have recently had some 4D images of my son, and when I say how gorgeous he is, she tells me of course he is, because he looks like her - never once has she said he'll look like me or his dad.

I got four 4D images which I loved, two of them were great and I wanted to keep them for a scrap book, but my mum insisted she have one. I tried to say I wanted to keep it but she got shitty with me and said 'they're both the same anyway you don't need both', and so I gave her the picture and she walked around the pub with it to people I have never even met before telling everyone she's going to be a granny.

She has previously said she wants to get something legal in place so that she has rights to my son over his dad if I ever have to go into hospital (I have a chronic illness), to which I have now said no to because his dad should be his next of kin.

We were out tonight and this really has upset me now.

I am going to be having an elected C-Section and of course you're only allowed one person in the room and I am going to be having my partner as I want him to be the one to cut his cord. My mum sat down with my tonight and said she had spoken to my stepdad and decided that she wants to be there when I go into surgery, and wait for me afterwards as she 'deserves' to be the third one to hold him over anyone else.

I had kind of had in mind that me and my partner would have some privacy and some bonding time before anyone else got to hold him, and so I was a bit put off and when I tried to say that I wanted time to be just me and my partner and our son, she said again that she 'deserved to be there' and that there was no point getting upset about silly things because I've got 17 weeks to go yet.

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

There are other little things too like how she is telling me not to breastfeed because she didn't get on with it, to stop buying him clothes (even though I have only bought six pairs of clothing and that I need to get a bedside crib and not a moses basket.

I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and would just like to feel like I'm the pregnant one and not that everything is about her all the time as I was told I couldn't have children and this really is my miracle baby.

If I told her all of this though she would use it against me and make me feel bad, or have a go at me. She can be very harsh with me, whereas she's not with anyone else in my family, she's a lot nicer to my sister, and when I pulled her up on this she said 'you all need to be treated differently depending on your needs'.

Is she being controlling or am I just being really sensitive?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

712 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
1%
You are NOT being unreasonable
99%
Strokethefurrywall · 22/12/2019 21:49

Your mum is a friggin psychopath.

Tell her to do one and absolutely do not let her be in that operating room with you. Your partner deserves to be there when his child is born, you 3 deserve to be together as a new family without her rubbernecking...

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Seeline · 22/12/2019 21:49

She is being way over the top.

Stop telling her stuff - dates of appointments, what you plan to do. Discuss things with your partner, not her.

Start distancing her now or else you will have real problems when the baby arrives.

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Jengle · 22/12/2019 21:51

She’s being very controlling!

It might be best, if you stop telling her future plans and just tell her afterwards, so don’t phone her when you’re in labour, phone her after the baby is born and you’re ready to see her?

Just keep remembering that you and your partner are a family unit. You will learn to stand up to her, otherwise she’ll ruin most milestones you have in your life.

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Wattagoose90 · 22/12/2019 21:51

You're not being over sensitive.

In the nicest way possible, now is the time to grow a backbone and set the boundaries so she doesn't take advantage when he arrives. She's not listening or respecting your wishes at the moment and it's not fair on you.

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WindFlower92 · 22/12/2019 21:56

I'm angry reading this - how dare she ruin this special time for you?! Tell her a different date for the c section so she can't take over that.

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Tellingitlikeitisnt · 22/12/2019 21:57

Do you feel able to very firmly explain to your mum that her comments are unwanted and unacceptable?

She should never say such unpleasant things about your partner that’s appalling.

And the clothes, scan, comments about how you raise your child- all very nasty and controlling

Tbh OP I’d take a huge step back from her and out some very very firm boundaries in place else she won’t stop.

It’s a very vulnerable time being pregnant and then having a new born and you need to start forming those boundaries and enforcing them ASAP.
Can your partner help? Any one else in the family who can help you stand up to her?

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littlepaddypaws · 22/12/2019 21:57

sorry but i would be really low /non exsistant contact with this person, she's truly awful.

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StrawberryDreamX · 22/12/2019 21:57

Cutting her off sounds like a fantastic idea! She doesn't deserve a thing, it's your body, your baby, you and your partner get to make the decisions not her! Is she always this selfish and controlling?

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Strokethefurrywall · 22/12/2019 21:59

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

If anyone laid a finger on my child "as they saw fit", they'd be cut off for that comment alone.

Your child OP, your partner's child. And yours alone. NOT hers. Free yourself from her obvious tyranny and lay your ground rules now.

You are absolutely not being over sensitive, your mother is an overbearing nightmare.

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frillyfarmer · 22/12/2019 21:59

Do not tell her when your C section is, or tell her a date after it's booked for and deal with her after the event.

Becoming parents is a very very special time and your batshit mother shouldn't get in the way of that - she is being utterly unreasonable here.

Personally I'd distance myself for a while and not give her the opportunity to sit you down and dictate to you - you are an adult now and about to become a parent.

To be honest it wouldn't hurt showing her this thread - at least she might grasp that the general consensus is she's a fucking nutcase!

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Cherrysoup · 22/12/2019 22:01

OP, do not let your nutty mother spoil the rest of your pregnancy and the birth/recovery. Tell her (and the staff) that she is definitively banned from the birthing suite. Stop allowing her to come to appointments and scams, it’s not her place. Be brutal, because she will ruin this experience for you otherwise.

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CFlemingSmith · 22/12/2019 22:01

If that was my mum I’d be telling her to F off and cutting contact
YANBU

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LauraPalmersBodybag · 22/12/2019 22:01

Fucking hell, she sounds insane, op! Not a single thing you’ve said is normal behaviour. It’s extremely controlling and unhealthy.

What do you want from your relationship with her? If you want her around and to have contact with your son (and you have a choice) then I’d have a good think about how you handle her and her demands and what boundaries you put in place.

Personally, I’d scale it right back and be very very firm with her that it’s you and your partner making all the decisions and the baby will be parented on your terms.

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PixieDustt · 22/12/2019 22:02

Urgh she's being a right bitch.
If you don't put your foot down now it's only going to get worse!
How dare she insist she goes to your scan and not your partner and no way let her have any rights to your child. She is so possessive!
She doesn't deserve anything. She doesn't have any right to be there.
She doesn't need to be there when you have a c section she doesn't need to be the third person to hold your DS. She is actually a psychopath. She's way over bearing. Do not allow her to come to any more scans and don't let her insult your partner. She is a control freak.
Who cares if it upsets her. It upsets you more and that's more important.

Starting putting yourself, your pregnancy, your baby and your partner before this controlling woman.

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justcly · 22/12/2019 22:02

Put your partner's name on the birth certificate, wish her good luck getting those rights and then don't tell her anything again until after the fact. I would take great satisfaction in not phoning her until the baby is a week old.

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NaviSprite · 22/12/2019 22:03

Nope you're not being oversensitive OP she does sound incredibly controlling and not very nice to be fair with what you've said of her.

Has this always been an issue with her, is it possible for you extricate yourself from her for a bit?

It sounds horrible but I second what PP's said, set your boundaries, be firm and if she pulls the emotional blackmail card, try not to let it affect you as more often than not they're crocodile tears. She has absolutely no right to anything in your pregnancy, delivery or after, if she can't respect your choices and back down a bit there will likely be issues in the future.

I don't know what your relationship is usually like with your Mother but would a conversation along the lines of the following get through to her?:

"I'm so happy you're excited for the birth of DS - but - I will not have you insulting his Father anymore, I will not have you trying to dictate my decisions or emotionally blackmail me into including you where my Partner should rightly be. I love you and I think you'll be a great Grandmother to DS, but you need to respect my choices as a grown woman and mother to this child in order for me to feel that you value our relationship and your future relationship with your DGS."

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Grumpos · 22/12/2019 22:03

Jesus she sounds absolutely mental

This is YOUR child, your life and your partner

Take steps now or you will really struggle when baby is born.

Go low contact, if you don’t feel like you can tell her to back off directly then just remove yourself slightly. Step back, dont give her information, don’t get into conversations about things like breastfeeding. If you absolutely can’t avoid it then nod and smile and know that you can do whatever you choose to do with your own child.

She sounds horrific tbh and you sound lovely. If you can’t find the strength to put a massive amount of distance between you for you, do it for your partner and your baby

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Grumpos · 22/12/2019 22:05

Oh and btw, grandparents don’t have any legal rights.
Of course in extreme situation a GP could seek legal rights over a parent (safeguarding / abuse etc) but in terms of it just being because you might need occasional hospital stays? Nope. Daft cow!

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dontgobaconmyheart · 22/12/2019 22:06

Your mum is a lunatic OP. Really and truly. She is on another planet if she thinks she would get 'some sort' of legal guardianship over her grandchildren over it's own parent.

Quite frankly, OP, with this disturbing controlling behaviour I wouldn't let her even see my baby, let alone shove the father out to accommodate her offensive and demented behaviours. None of this has anything to do with her unless YOU want it to and the raising of your child is for you and your partner to decide upon, not her.

I would be careful OP as it sounds like her end game here is to make you feel so useless and helpless that you go back home to her with the baby so she can get what she wants, she clearly wants rid of your partner as well.

The thought of her impacting on the baby with this abuse as it grows up is very unsettling OP, clearly doing it to her own child (you)is no bother and she is happy to insult your partner and try to turn you against him.

Would never normally rush to say this but I would put boundaries in place now, take a firm ground with your partner and go very low contact with her. What she is saying and doing is batshit.

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Whiskeylover45 · 22/12/2019 22:06

Honestly? Just before I was due my mum raised the possibility with me of being a birthing partner. I imagine as most people at her work had told her they would want their mums there. I firmly but gently told her no, it would only be DH. As much as I love her, I would have been beyond irritated with her during birth. She pouted initially, accepted this and never raised it again. That is the normal response, your mum sounds way over invested. As it's the first grandchild I do understand, however you need to firmly tell her how things will be. Dont apologise, just state it ad fact. If she comes back with anything, just repeat "I'm sorry that doesnt work for us." And repeat until she gets the message. As MN is fond of saying, no is a complete sentence

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TrifenyMarlowe · 22/12/2019 22:06

You know what you need to do op. Re read your thread and pretend it's a friend saying this. She's mental isn't she. Don't let her near you or your baby at such a vulnerable time, she's domineering, suffocating and frankly wierd, like she thinks she's a third parent... You need proper boundaries in place, and it's probably easier just to step away quietly from her than try to establish those healthier boundaries at a time when you (obviously) have more important things to do than pander to your crazy mother.

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Likethebattle · 22/12/2019 22:06

Don’t let her know when you are having your c section. Give a date a week later then say you got mixed up, baby brain! Stand up to her.

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Whiskeylover45 · 22/12/2019 22:07

And as for her comments regarding shed be legally next of kin over his dad, a judge would laugh her out of court. If she was to be given parental rights, you and your partner would need to sign a form stating you were happy with it. Dont sign anything she gives you, and shell have no rights as a GM

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Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2019 22:09

Your mum is nasty and manipulative.

Honestly, how does she make your life better? I’m guessing not in any way.

If I were you I WOULD be cutting her out. She’s poisonous.

Congratulations OP - enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and keep away from her.

As an aside, I’d tell her your CS is scheduled for a date a few days later so she can’t wait. It’s pointless as you’ll be in the HDU for a good few hours anyway.

Good luck

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NaviSprite · 22/12/2019 22:11

Okay in my sleep deprived state I missed the part about disciplining your DS - I dislike armchair psychology but - she sounds very narcissistic.

Have you read up on FOG? I would recommend doing some reading as it can't be the first time your mother has shown this side, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this throughout your pregnancy @lostandconfused2 Flowers

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/are-you-being-manipulated

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