Is my mum taking over my pregnancy or AIBU?

[lostandconfused2]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and I feel really overwhelmed by my mum.

Let met just start by saying I am 24, financially independent, in a good job, and renting a nice property. I am in a relationship with my baby's dad and I feel like I am really ready to have this baby. I'm only saying this to basically say that I won't be relying on her with my baby when he is born, not to gloat or anything.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, and the further I'm getting a long, I feel like everything is about my mum and what she wants. She insisted on coming to my 20 week scan and when I said I wanted to take my partner she got upset and said she 'wouldn't bother' in future. I gave in and said okay you can come along, and she then said she didn't want to now.

My mum doesn't like my partner, and she constantly slags him off even though it makes me uncomfortable. She'll say he looks like a rat and other personal insults and will mock him and his job to me. I ask her to stop but she doesn't, only puts on an 'oops' face after saying things.

I have recently had some 4D images of my son, and when I say how gorgeous he is, she tells me of course he is, because he looks like her - never once has she said he'll look like me or his dad.

I got four 4D images which I loved, two of them were great and I wanted to keep them for a scrap book, but my mum insisted she have one. I tried to say I wanted to keep it but she got shitty with me and said 'they're both the same anyway you don't need both', and so I gave her the picture and she walked around the pub with it to people I have never even met before telling everyone she's going to be a granny.

She has previously said she wants to get something legal in place so that she has rights to my son over his dad if I ever have to go into hospital (I have a chronic illness), to which I have now said no to because his dad should be his next of kin.

We were out tonight and this really has upset me now.

I am going to be having an elected C-Section and of course you're only allowed one person in the room and I am going to be having my partner as I want him to be the one to cut his cord. My mum sat down with my tonight and said she had spoken to my stepdad and decided that she wants to be there when I go into surgery, and wait for me afterwards as she 'deserves' to be the third one to hold him over anyone else.

I had kind of had in mind that me and my partner would have some privacy and some bonding time before anyone else got to hold him, and so I was a bit put off and when I tried to say that I wanted time to be just me and my partner and our son, she said again that she 'deserved to be there' and that there was no point getting upset about silly things because I've got 17 weeks to go yet.

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

There are other little things too like how she is telling me not to breastfeed because she didn't get on with it, to stop buying him clothes (even though I have only bought six pairs of clothing and that I need to get a bedside crib and not a moses basket.

I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and would just like to feel like I'm the pregnant one and not that everything is about her all the time as I was told I couldn't have children and this really is my miracle baby.

If I told her all of this though she would use it against me and make me feel bad, or have a go at me. She can be very harsh with me, whereas she's not with anyone else in my family, she's a lot nicer to my sister, and when I pulled her up on this she said 'you all need to be treated differently depending on your needs'.

Is she being controlling or am I just being really sensitive?

You're 24, independent and about to be a parent. Get some space between you and your DM or she will be a thorn in your side for years. Your life, your partner, your baby, your home, your rules!

I would open up to your care team and to the hospital and tell them what you want. They will happily keep her out!

As for discipling your child in her house, she is entitled to house rules but not to discipline your child. That's your responsibility. She's setting herself up never to have him unsupervised!

You need to invest in or make a baby wearing scarf, O reckon, as it will stop her scooping baby up and taking him to the pub to boast with!

Big alarm bells ringing OP. She demands to be at the birth, she assumes your baby will be at her home under her sole care, she wants some legal custody rights over your baby, she’s telling you not to breast feed and she is saying how you need her and playing on your mental health issues.

I know this sounds far fetched but I’m sorry OP, I think she’s going to eventually try to paint you as an unfit mum, eventually and try claim your baby. You need to start limiting contact NOW and put firm boundaries in place.

I have a rather domineering mother myself but she wouldn't try some of the things you've mentioned OP. Your DM is being incredibly controlling.

I'd be inclined to give her a later date for your section and to go lower contact, I think she's really hoping to provoke you- don't give her the opportunity. Also agree with a Pp that if you get on with one, a sling is a good idea- it will keep your baby from being scooped up and handed round somewhat, especially by your DM if you can't go lower contact or she muscles her way in.

Also from my own experience with a domineering mother, she can and will hurt you a lot more easily than you can and will hurt her. Nod, smile, stay reasonable- talk as if you're explaining to a 4yo why we don't piss on the rug- and then quietly do what you want & explain afterwards.

She sounds a nightmare. Back off from her and don't give her dates/information. No need to announce the birth until you feel ready as she will undoubtedly be pushing to visit. When she realises that she is getting less time with the baby than she would if she wasn't so pushy, then maybe she'll calm down.
(And tell her you want that 4D photo back - to get it framed? - then keep hold of it!)
If you struggle to stand up to her, then get your partner to spell out the boundaries - she doesn't like him anyway, so she may as well dislike him a bit more!

You're. Mum is a knob.
When you do your birth plan make sure you state you absolutely do no want her there.. They will listen to you.

Set some ground rules before baby is born he is yours and partners son not hers. If she can’t respect that it’s her loss, she has more to loose than you. She is manipulating you but she can only do that if you let her. It might be worth pointing out that he will have 2 grandmothers but only one set of parents.

babies never look gorgeous in 4D scans, they look like mops. HTH

She can back the fuck right off

Also, she can’t get anything legal done giving her more rights than the baby’s father. He CAN get a bloody restraining order, though. Sounds like that is potentially a good idea. She’s batshit.

I was only allowed one person with me for my ELCS so I'd be surprised if she could be there anyway.

Think of your happiness and start limiting contact. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy.

orangejuicer, I think OP's DM is intent on being that one person, shoving baby's DF to the sidelines!

Your mother is way over the line here. You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes threads, and there's a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward that I bet would ring some bells for you. (I would also recommend the Disney fipm Tangled, as it features a bad guy who will probably make you shover with recognition as she did me).

Bad as it is with your mother, it will get a hundred times worse when your DC is born. Not only will your mother's controlling, undermining behaviour ramp right up, if youre anything like me you'll be hit with this deluge of memories about what yoir own childhood was like and it will be very difficult to be around her. Start reducing contact and put her on an information diet now, before the baby comes.

I agree with everyone else, yanbu, and get a hold of this now because it won't get easier.
My mother is like this, I could feel the old anxiety rise reading your post. She got worse after my babies were born. She also insisted on being 'at least' in the waiting room when I was birthing. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour (long story) and called around after oldest was born, she 'collapsed in grief' at being 'cut out of the birth of her grandchild.' She just rocked up at hospital for Baby 2. I was spineless for too long and it ended in a big blow up. We haven't spoken in 7 years and she's never met my youngest.
Good luck. Your partner and child need you.

I feel for you OP. Your mother is not a nice person. You need to take a step back from her and concentrate on you, your DP and your DC.

No, no and thrice no OP.
You have to stand up to her. I know it's easier said than done, but if you don't do it now then she will make your life an absolute misery.
Each time she mentions something that you don't want or agree with just tell her that no, that won't be happening.
Each time she starts on about your partner just tell her to stop.
You really do need to put as much distance between you as possible. Stop telling her things.
She has absolutely no rights over your child.
If you don't stop this now OP, you will regret it further down the line.
Concentrate on yourself, your partner, your child and your needs.
Don't let her drive that wedge.

OP you need to set boundaries NOW! She will take over your child if you do not. Firstly tell her that you and the baby’s father are going to be the only ones to see the baby on the first time to have important bonding time. When she starts arguing with you tell her it’s not up for discussion, that it is you and your partners choice and you don’t parent by committee.

Next you need to tell her that you will not hear a bad word against you partner as it’s totally inappropriate. If she does hang up, ask her to leave or if you are at her house leave. The last thing you want is your mum bad mouthing your partner/father of your child infront of the child!

Take back your control!

You need to set your boundaries and stop giving in to her. If she throws a strop, so what? Let her. Say no, let her throw a fit and calmly say 'I'm leaving now, call me when you are prepared to be more reasonable.' Every time she mentions the birth, tell her 'no mum, that isn't happening'. Do not tell her the date of your csection. If she said 'If you don't like it you can cut me off', shrug your shoulders, say 'ok then, if that is what you wan't' and leave. She behaves this way because she is a narcissist. You are desperate to please her and that is how she maintains her power. It is not your fault, the woman has been manipulating you since you were a child. You can break free though, and still have a relationship with her on your terms. You've just not got to be frightened of saying no. Good luck.

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

Take her up on the cutting her off. You need serious distance between you.

OP I’m 26, married and 26 weeks pregnant.

My DM is very involved and we are very close (speak every day...etc) she has come to several apts with me (when DH working) and will be at the birth but it’s always a case of ‘only if you and DH are sure? I don’t want to tread on any toes’ and if we asked her to give us space she’d be gone in a moment with no attitude about it.

Your mum is NUTS!!!!

Maybe it’s easier as my DM loves my DH and respects him as a person. I do wonder reading your post if perhaps there’s more to the story with your DP/DM and maybe she had reason to not like/distrust him.

Either way she sounds very intense. In your situation I would stop telling her stuff. Don’t tell her when your apt’s are or plans for the birth. Just get on with it and exclude her quietly.

Probably repeating a lot of what others have said but thought I’d show you some support - you’re not being remotely unreasonable!

Please remember your baby is YOUR baby. Some grandparents can be controlling but this sounds like something else. She doesn’t have any legal rights, remember that. She sounds very unfair and this sounds like bullying. It’s not up to her what you do.

Congratulations btw - hope all goes well for you! Being a mum is something else 🥰

For your own health you need to put a stop to all this. I'd suggest cutting back any contact to the bare minimum if not completely. Is there a family member who will stand up to her nonsense who can be like a middleman for you?

My mum was the exact same OP, even sometimes referring to my son as 'my baby'.

Was very strange but I had to put my foot down and be extremely clear that I am his mum and he is MY baby and I will be making decisions regarding him and his care. Took a while to sink in but we got there.

Definitely stop telling her any details. Don't tell her about appointments or anything until after the. Don't give her the date of your section. Make certain the hospital are aware not to give her any details over the phone. (You could lie and give her a later date for your section if you like.)

You are independent. You have a partner who you live with and will be a parent with you. You don't need your mum's help, or opinion. It would be lovely if you had her as a positive support and could go to her with questions, but you can't. So don't.

You are capable of having your baby without her input. Indeed it will be a whole lot easier without her input. Just give non-committal answers to questions. Don't volunteer any information. Those first few hours with your baby are so special. Don't let it be ruled and ruined by a mother who doesn't know boundaries.

She’s horrible and dare I say it, a total narcissist.

Massive sympathy to you, my mother is similar to yours. I have had to fight back to get her to back right off by laying down the law with my kids and how I run my life. She’d always been that way but I noticed it more when I was pregnant the first time. Just stop telling her about appointments and when she tells you to do something that you don’t want to say “no, we (partner and I) are doing it this way”.

Please consider how not dealing with her properly could impact your relationship with DH and his relationship with the DC. She is undermining you both. She has absolutely no right.

Please investigate narcissism (Stately Homes thread in Relationships is fab) and consider whether it's even possible to have an adult-to-adult relationship here. It doesn't sound like it is to me. I'd get her gone before you have your child. She'll be considerably worse once they're here.