Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is my mum taking over my pregnancy or AIBU?

97 replies

lostandconfused2 · 22/12/2019 21:41

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and I feel really overwhelmed by my mum.

Let met just start by saying I am 24, financially independent, in a good job, and renting a nice property. I am in a relationship with my baby's dad and I feel like I am really ready to have this baby. I'm only saying this to basically say that I won't be relying on her with my baby when he is born, not to gloat or anything.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, and the further I'm getting a long, I feel like everything is about my mum and what she wants. She insisted on coming to my 20 week scan and when I said I wanted to take my partner she got upset and said she 'wouldn't bother' in future. I gave in and said okay you can come along, and she then said she didn't want to now.

My mum doesn't like my partner, and she constantly slags him off even though it makes me uncomfortable. She'll say he looks like a rat and other personal insults and will mock him and his job to me. I ask her to stop but she doesn't, only puts on an 'oops' face after saying things.

I have recently had some 4D images of my son, and when I say how gorgeous he is, she tells me of course he is, because he looks like her - never once has she said he'll look like me or his dad.

I got four 4D images which I loved, two of them were great and I wanted to keep them for a scrap book, but my mum insisted she have one. I tried to say I wanted to keep it but she got shitty with me and said 'they're both the same anyway you don't need both', and so I gave her the picture and she walked around the pub with it to people I have never even met before telling everyone she's going to be a granny.

She has previously said she wants to get something legal in place so that she has rights to my son over his dad if I ever have to go into hospital (I have a chronic illness), to which I have now said no to because his dad should be his next of kin.

We were out tonight and this really has upset me now.

I am going to be having an elected C-Section and of course you're only allowed one person in the room and I am going to be having my partner as I want him to be the one to cut his cord. My mum sat down with my tonight and said she had spoken to my stepdad and decided that she wants to be there when I go into surgery, and wait for me afterwards as she 'deserves' to be the third one to hold him over anyone else.

I had kind of had in mind that me and my partner would have some privacy and some bonding time before anyone else got to hold him, and so I was a bit put off and when I tried to say that I wanted time to be just me and my partner and our son, she said again that she 'deserved to be there' and that there was no point getting upset about silly things because I've got 17 weeks to go yet.

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

There are other little things too like how she is telling me not to breastfeed because she didn't get on with it, to stop buying him clothes (even though I have only bought six pairs of clothing and that I need to get a bedside crib and not a moses basket.

I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and would just like to feel like I'm the pregnant one and not that everything is about her all the time as I was told I couldn't have children and this really is my miracle baby.

If I told her all of this though she would use it against me and make me feel bad, or have a go at me. She can be very harsh with me, whereas she's not with anyone else in my family, she's a lot nicer to my sister, and when I pulled her up on this she said 'you all need to be treated differently depending on your needs'.

Is she being controlling or am I just being really sensitive?

OP posts:

Cryalot2 · 22/12/2019 22:14

Please no, this is awful.
Your baby is yours and your partner's. Your mum has no rights. Take legal advice so that if you are ill your child will stay with his dad.
You do not need this stress and upset at what should be a happy time.
Make it clear she will not be at the hospital and warn the midwife and hospital about her and that you do not want any her there or information pased to her.
You need to stand up to her. She is bullying you and this is not an act of love.
Let her cut you out, she wont really as it would be cutting her nose off to spite her face .
Good wishes

Sweetpeach3 · 22/12/2019 22:14

WOW

Tell her to do one and try keep a distance ...
She sounds truely crazy and don't let her pressure you into anything. It's your pregnancy for you and your partner to enjoy. My mum was their at most of my scans and both my labours but so was my partner and she didn't ask to hold the baby's etc she stayed in the corner of the room was just me who wanted her their but When we had our time with the baby together we would "invite " her over if you'd say that lol an all coo over the baby!

Just enjoy your bump op. Tell her straight an she may be upset an sulk for a while but hey. As long as your happy an have your little family that's all that matters xx

SmileyGiraffe · 22/12/2019 22:16

"I would take great satisfaction in not phoning her until the baby is a week old."

You've spelled "left University" incorrectly, @justcly.

Toddlerteaplease · 22/12/2019 22:16

Tell her that she's had her turn at child rearing. Now it's your turn. And you will do it in the way that suits your family and no one else.

Laserbird16 · 22/12/2019 22:18

Wow your mum is awful.

I'd seriously be reconsidering your relationship with her.

Start withdrawing from her, minimal info and catching up from now on. Get counseling if you can because she is going to get worse.

I second telling her a date a week later than your C section is planned and don't mention anything until the baby is born. You don't need her drama.

How utterly selfish of her.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/12/2019 22:21

She is right you can cut her off start now

And no you dont sign anything to give her rights over the baby if anything happens to you that's what fathers are there for

CloudyVanilla · 22/12/2019 22:25

Your mum sounds like an abusive, narcissistic bitch.

She has only said one thing out of all the shit you have described which is correct - you can choose to cut her off.

This degree of overstepping the mark sounds incredibly unhealthy and detrimental to you, your partner and your relationship. You need to establish boundaries now and maybe seek professional support because it sounds like you feel it's difficult or unreasonable to say a big massive FUCK OFF to her, which makes sense if she raised you.

I'm sorry you are going through this you're going to be a mother yourself now and you need to put yourself and your child about this absolute weirdo.

PinkiOcelot · 22/12/2019 22:26

Who the hell are the 2% who said YABU?!!

Got she sounds like a total nightmare! I would be distancing myself from her.

Original poster

lostandconfused2 · 22/12/2019 22:29

Sorry, I went and had a quick bath as I wasn't expecting so many comments already. Thank you for all the advice, and I'm relieved to know there is an issue and I'm not being overly sensitive. Yes, she has always been like this with me, she says I 'need' her and that I'm more of a baby than any of her other children because I have mental health issues (bipolar, which is completely under control and has been for 2 years) and it's just controlling really. I will reply a bit later, she has now upset my sister who has just driven to my house in tears when she's only down for a short while x

OP posts:

Neolara · 22/12/2019 22:30

She sounds a complete nightmare. Unl

WaggleWiggle · 22/12/2019 22:30

I hope whoever clicked YABU sneezed mid-click and pressed it by accident. She sounds absolutely insufferable and you really must put your foot down and tell her she is miles over the boundaries for what’s acceptable from a grandparent.

DPotter · 22/12/2019 22:31

When I was about 10 I remember my Mum and neighbours talking about a family who had 'done a moonlight flit'. Basically they had just left the area with no explanation and no one knew where they had gone.

Does that sound tempting as I'm tempted on your behalf after reading your post. In no way are you being unreasonable

You need a plan Lost. You need to draw up that plan with your DP. Think of all the situations where your Mum is trying to muscle in and agree what you both want to happen in those situations and how you would achieve the outcome you want. For example, you haven't mentioned names (always a good source of friction). So I'm assuming you and your DP want to choose the baby's name, not your Mum. Ways to make this happen - don't tell her any of your ideas, just nod and say we're still thinking about names / we're not deciding until the baby is born. And say that every time she raises the topic. It will take determination, gritted teeth and certainly a lot less contact than you are giving her.

I can't remember ever having said this and I'm still not sure - but this may be the only time as an unmarried couple when it would be a good idea to give the baby your DP's surname, or double barrel. This will leave no doubt as to parental responsibility. Although getting married would also help. Literally 10mins at the Registry office. Don't even have to tell anyone. And make a will detailing who you would like your child's guardians to be.

You have a few months - can I suggest some counselling or even life coaching to help you with some assertiveness in the face of your mum's full frontal assaults. You need to grow that Mama Tiger alongside your baby. That or move and don't tell her where you've gone.....

Babybel90 · 22/12/2019 22:35

She has previously said she wants to get something legal in place so that she has rights to my son over his dad if I ever have to go into hospital

🤣🤣🤣🤣 yeah, good luck with that!

Pull back from her, give her information on a need to know basis and be very firm when she comes out with her ridiculous pronouncements. Do not budge an inch or she’ll take a mile.

Winterdaysarehere · 22/12/2019 22:36

She needs to be a lot less in the know about your life...
Start seeing her /texting /ringing her less.
Speak to your mw to gain support. Write in your birth plan that your dp will be there. Not your dm.
Visiting will likely be open for dp but strict hours for other visitors - including dm. Keep mw informed if you aren't up to her coming in.
Let dp deal with her post birth. His job is to keep you happy - if that means keeping her at bay then he can crack on.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/12/2019 22:50

@Waggle it's probably the mother who clicked YABU.

OP, just so you have a contrast. I was 25 when I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my partner (now DH). He wasn't exactly what my parents wanted for me (didn't earn much money, unstable career but lovely guy). My mam is my best friend, and she never did any of these things. She was amazing and is an amazing grandma. DS adores her and, while sometimes she can step on our boundaries, she is so respectful and backs off when asked and steps in when asked.

Can I ask, are you planning on using your mother as childcare when you go back to work? If so, I would review that now. No way can you let this woman have alone time with your child until she calms the fuck down. He is yours and your partner's child. She can sit you down all she likes and tell you what she plans to do, unless she somehow secretly impregnated you, she has zero fucking say.

travellover · 22/12/2019 23:03

That is ridiculous 🤯🤯🤯 honestly I can understand a grandparent being excited but she's rude and thinks her opinion tops yours when you're the mother!

TriciaH87 · 22/12/2019 23:24

I suggest telling your mother your child will not visit her house if she doesn't accept your the parent and show your partner some respect. Tell her you will let her know when your up to visitors before anyone else but you do not want anyone else there. I would tell her your booked in a day or two later than you are that way you can let her know when suits you

cochineal7 · 22/12/2019 23:35

If roles were reversed and your MIL would be like that, everyone would say you have a DH problem for not dealing with it. In this case, take care you don’t become the DW problem. You need to step up for yourself & your unborn child but really also very much your DH. She actually said she would be taking away his parental rights?!?

Baconmaker · 22/12/2019 23:40

Bloody hell she sounds absolutely mental. The one positive I see in this is that it will give you practise in asserting yourself. You need to establish boundaries and actually stick to them. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated by this woman.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/12/2019 23:49

@cochineal7 I noticed this!

Honestly you say your independent and capable but shes completely controlling you. The only person who can stop this is you.

Redshoeblueshoe · 22/12/2019 23:50

I agree with DPotter, and I have never in my life suggested to anyone that they should get married, but I think you should think about it.

ohfourfoxache · 22/12/2019 23:53

You need to step up. It is your responsibility to protect your ds from this utter batshit. Stop telling her everything, get your boundaries in place and make sure they are bloody solid. You’re going to be in for a bumpy ride with this one, you’re going to have to be strong

LightDrizzle · 23/12/2019 00:00

Stop sharing information with this woman. She is a nightmare.
She doesn’t want you breastfeeding because she didn’t get on with it?
I bet she also wants the baby formula fed so she can take over and give the baby bottles while you make her fecking cups of tea.
Let her fall out with you. It will be a blessed relief.

AwakeAmbs · 23/12/2019 01:38

OMG she sounds like my MIL

Set boundaries NOW and enforce them!! If she is showing narcissistic behaviour she will only get worse.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 23/12/2019 01:51

Has she ever seen you as your own person, rather than an extension of herself, OP?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread