Is my mum taking over my pregnancy or AIBU?

[lostandconfused2]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and I feel really overwhelmed by my mum.

Let met just start by saying I am 24, financially independent, in a good job, and renting a nice property. I am in a relationship with my baby's dad and I feel like I am really ready to have this baby. I'm only saying this to basically say that I won't be relying on her with my baby when he is born, not to gloat or anything.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, and the further I'm getting a long, I feel like everything is about my mum and what she wants. She insisted on coming to my 20 week scan and when I said I wanted to take my partner she got upset and said she 'wouldn't bother' in future. I gave in and said okay you can come along, and she then said she didn't want to now.

My mum doesn't like my partner, and she constantly slags him off even though it makes me uncomfortable. She'll say he looks like a rat and other personal insults and will mock him and his job to me. I ask her to stop but she doesn't, only puts on an 'oops' face after saying things.

I have recently had some 4D images of my son, and when I say how gorgeous he is, she tells me of course he is, because he looks like her - never once has she said he'll look like me or his dad.

I got four 4D images which I loved, two of them were great and I wanted to keep them for a scrap book, but my mum insisted she have one. I tried to say I wanted to keep it but she got shitty with me and said 'they're both the same anyway you don't need both', and so I gave her the picture and she walked around the pub with it to people I have never even met before telling everyone she's going to be a granny.

She has previously said she wants to get something legal in place so that she has rights to my son over his dad if I ever have to go into hospital (I have a chronic illness), to which I have now said no to because his dad should be his next of kin.

We were out tonight and this really has upset me now.

I am going to be having an elected C-Section and of course you're only allowed one person in the room and I am going to be having my partner as I want him to be the one to cut his cord. My mum sat down with my tonight and said she had spoken to my stepdad and decided that she wants to be there when I go into surgery, and wait for me afterwards as she 'deserves' to be the third one to hold him over anyone else.

I had kind of had in mind that me and my partner would have some privacy and some bonding time before anyone else got to hold him, and so I was a bit put off and when I tried to say that I wanted time to be just me and my partner and our son, she said again that she 'deserved to be there' and that there was no point getting upset about silly things because I've got 17 weeks to go yet.

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

There are other little things too like how she is telling me not to breastfeed because she didn't get on with it, to stop buying him clothes (even though I have only bought six pairs of clothing and that I need to get a bedside crib and not a moses basket.

I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and would just like to feel like I'm the pregnant one and not that everything is about her all the time as I was told I couldn't have children and this really is my miracle baby.

If I told her all of this though she would use it against me and make me feel bad, or have a go at me. She can be very harsh with me, whereas she's not with anyone else in my family, she's a lot nicer to my sister, and when I pulled her up on this she said 'you all need to be treated differently depending on your needs'.

Is she being controlling or am I just being really sensitive?

My mum was exactly like this to me and it only got worse. My son is now 14 and I have been low contact with her since he was 5.

The incident that made me break ties wasnt actually the worse thing that ever happened but it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was separated from my son's dad. One of our major problems was that my ex didnt do anything for our son and he has special needs. It was not just that he was lazy it was a complex situation but It was at the point where if he didnt get used to being with his dad alone more often then it would get to a point where he could only sleep at home or at his Gran's. My mum would not listen to anything I said about routine and would tell him how unfair I was for wanting it and always mouth "sorry" to him and make a face like I'm crazy or can't cope as a mum. I know that's a lot to put into a face but honestly she did it was like she could say that she thought I wasnt able to cope with the normal challenges of parenting with one look lol. So I didnt want her to have him that much.

Anyway I decided to go away for five days with my friends and leave my son with his dad for seven days. It would mean I couldn't go and pick him up at the first time of trouble and he would have to sort it out himself. My mum was dead against the idea and said she never ever went on holiday with friends once she was a mother which is true as she doesnt have any real friends but I ignored her and went anyway. My plan was to come home after 5 days and have a couple of days rest at home before my son came back. But as I landed at the airport and called my mum to say I have landed, she tells me she is at the airport to meet me with my son..... she had called his dad and told him that if he is struggling to call her and she will get him and she had got him the night before I came back. When I went mad at her she said that any proper mother would be glad to see their child after days away from them.

After that I just stopped taking her calls and will take text messages about things we have to discuss. She sees my son at an extended family members house but he isnt really bothered with her. I will be prepared to try and build something back if she apologies for her actions. We cannot move on unless she understands how wrong that was for me, my son and his dad.

Oh op, as hard as it sounds you will need to cut her off. She has no rights, she doesn't deserve to be the 3rd one to hold the baby. She is not entitled to anything.

You haven't said how your partner feels about all this?

I have to be honest if she was my mother I would cut off contact as it is toxic

Your mother needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge

It sounds like she is trying to push your partner away and take over your baby. I'd really, really diatance myself from her if I were you.

*distance

How much have you told her about your relationship with your dp? If you use her as a sounding board when you have a spat, stop now. Never discuss him with her. Ever.
He is your partner, the father of your child and he comes first. If she cannot or will not accept that, she will lose.
You birth, buy for and feed this child the way you see fit. You turn to DP in the first instance. Every time.
She has a choice to respect you and your partner or not. To try her best to step between you and then have you completely dependent on her for support and care, or not. To strike whilst you are tired, hormonal and unsure, struggling, or not. To undermine you and every decision you make, or not.
A supportive and good mother would choose not.
She doesn't want you to breastfeed because then grandma can take baba overnight from the get go to allow you "to rest". She will push your dp out so she can call him a useless father.
Is this what you want?
Lay down some ground rules now. If she fights you, puts you down, throws a wobbly, and threatens to walk away. Fine. There is no way that she will risk not seeing her grandchild so call her bluff.

That actually gave me chills to read. I'd be reducing contact and not give her any information about further scans and examinations, especially not the date you are scheduled to have your C-section. I would actually ensure that you and your DP have plenty of time alone to bond with your baby before even telling her. It sounds like she is hatching some pretty demented and actually rather sinister plan to take your own baby of you by presenting you as an unfit mother. If you're not BF, she might think it gives her more chances to take the baby of you. I think once you have your baby in your arms, you will have some powerful instincts to protect it from your batshit mother. Remember you have far more power over going NC than she does! And it actually might be good for a while to give you some respite from her toxic behaviour.

you need' her more than any of her other children because you have mental health issues??!!

your Mother is batshit - it's probably growing up with her that has caused your mental ill health.

Yes she needs to take a
Step back and realise you're the child's mum and she's granny, not husband or mother - she doesn't get to be in control with this child, you do

Wow OP this is insane.

I think its indicative of just how much crazy shit you have put up with from her that you even have to ask if this is normal.

She is making your baby all about her. She will discipline the baby as she sees fit and if you don't like it she will not speak to you? She seems to think she has got some sort of right to this baby (she doesn't).

She seriously wants the babys dad to sign away his rights to the baby? That's so over the top I've never heard of it before (other than in cases of severe neglect).

I seriously think you need to consider cutting or drastically reducing contact with her. She really sounds like she is a negative impact on everything in your life and she doesnt actually have your best interests at heart. In all your examples it's all about her, nothing she does is good for you or the baby.

If I was you I would mention her interference with your health visitor and community midwife or GP. She sounds like the type who will do anything she wants to get more access to her grandchild and I really wouldnt put it past her to make up a load of shit to social services when the baby is here to stir up trouble and try and get control or more access. At least you would have a record of her actions to help prove your case.

She is bat shit crazy!!!! She really is and I hope you can see that. She will destroy your relationship with your partner so go lc.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of people who think there is something seriously wrong with your mum. I agree with Fr0g, as well, i think your MH problems might get a lot better when you limit her meddling in your life.

Stop telling her every detail. You and your partner and your little baby are going to be a lovely little family together, and you will be able to make a life that doesnt involve your mum domineering over all of you. You will be fine.

Op, she sounds insane. it reads a bit like she wants to have this baby herself. Reduce you to nothing and remove your partner from the situation entirely. Toxic women. I think this will only escalate when he is born and her iron grip on your little family will squeeze the life out of you all. In your situation I would go for low contact (bare minimum xmas/birthday phone call and thats it) or no contact. Keep details of scans/section/appointments/purchases for baby to yourself. I have a parent like this (terrible narcissist to boot) and I ended up moving 3 hours away. Best decision ever. Bought up my kids without fear of them popping around or bumping into them.
Your mum is very rude to you and your partner op. She tries to diminish you. She is no mum to you. She will be just has rude to your son eventually. Just as controlling. Good news is you are in control. Do not allow her to take a knife to your life! Concentrate solely on your family of three... you will be fine!!

I fully agree with everything people have said in their replies.
You need to grey rock her NOW, don’t wait until baby arrives.

I think you need to start being firm and setting boundaries as I can only see this getting worse after birth. Esp as after a c-section you won't be able to do much. Good luck OP and sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you

Wow! She sounds horrible! I would go amd get my scan picture then give her an ultimatum. If you feel you still need to see her I would do it on your terms in public places or your home and never leave your child unsupervised with her. You should be enjoying your pregnancy not dealing with this shit.

She sounds like my mum and mil. Am nc with both.

She has no legal rights to your child. Make sure oh is on birth certificate.

With regards to ‘disciplining’ him how she wants- I presume she means she’ll smack him. This is illegal. Regardless of your personal views on this in England and Wales it’s the parents who are legally protected if they choose to smack, not grandparents, and in Scotland it’s now illegal for anyone to smack. I’d be very clear about this. And never leave him alone with her.

Tell both midwives you don’t want her at the birth and contact lactation consultants and breastfeeding councillors now if that’s how you want to feed and explain how she’s treating you. When your tired after hours of feeding and it feels like it’s all going wrong you need the support of these people to tell her that this is normal for bf and to refuse her insisting on formula.

I’d add Alice Millers books to your reading list, and daughters of narsasitic mothers site and out of the fog. I know ‘narc’ gets over used these days but my mother has npd diagnosis and this sounds very similar behaviour. Read up on DARVO also because emotional abusers do this too and it helps to be able to identify it and step away. You can’t let her pass this abuse onto your child, and this is abuse, so you must protect your child by at least going lc if not nc. You would protect your child from a sexual or physical abusive parent so emotional abuse is no less of a risk.

OP, I think you know what you need to do. Back away from her now. Let her know you can, and will, stand on your own two feet and then reduce contact with her. Don’t allow her to slag off your partner or tell you you need her. You really don’t.

Hello OP - I agree with what all other posters are saying - her behaviour is not normal and you need to get some serious distance between you, your wee family and her. But one of the most important things to remember is to get some proper support for yourself around doing this - you will feel so many conflicted emotions around whether you're doing the right thing, whether you're over-reacting, whether you're being 'fair' to everyone. You're also at a higher risk of experiencing post natal depression - there's no shame in this, it's not your fault, but be ready to seek and get help for that should you need to. When you have a parent like this, and then become a parent yourself, the realisation that how you were treated by your own mother is not right, and that you would never treat your own beloved child like that, can be devastating. Just remember that you haven't done anything wrong here, you can and will be a great mum yourself, and don't be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if you need it - that's what it's there for!

She also said that she would be disciplining my son how she wants to in her house and if I don't like it then that's my issue and I can choose to cut her off.

I would take her up on her offer to cut her off.

This is totally unacceptable from her. I would distance yourself / be ultra firm with her (tell her icily when something is unacceptable and leave. She does not deserve to be near the birth at all. Tell her not to be so ridiculous and that you’ll invite her when you’re ready).

Things may get tougher in the immediate days after birth due to tiredness and recovery and if she’s like this then, it will ruins things for you. Make a new family with your partner.

You don't have to tell her any details about your pregnancy, I didn't tell anyone my actual due date for the same reason. I told them my baby was due 2 weeks after so everyone was surprised when they found out I had delivered. You can do the same with your mum, tell her You're having the C-section a few days after, that way you can definitely guarantee she's not going to just turn up. Also, nod and agree to baby advice and then do your own thing. She will soon get the message

OP, I say this with utter seriousness. Your mother is dangerous. You need to cut contact with her.

I suspect your MH issues, are due to your upbringing. She's going to try to get your baby to herself. She will get between you and your DP, until it causes you to split up. Then she will use your mental health to take over looking after the baby, until you're the one left visiting your child, and your child is calling her Mummy.

You NEED to go NC now, for your sake, your partner's sake, and your child's sake.

Do not tell her anything! Let her have tantrums, rant and rave. Be aware if those don't work, she will have a health scare, cancer or a heart attack or something serious. It will be a lie, she'll be trying to get you back under her claws.

The important thing is to keep away from her. She may have given birth to you, and raised you, but that doesn't entitle her to any consideration. She's a bad and dangerous person.