To want to raise our child Bilingual

[NewMumBGentle]

Bit of background DP is Italian, born in Italy, family still live in Italy, Italian is his native language, we've very much made a home here and have no plans to live there, although e go over to visit his family.

I'm currently 32 weeks with our first child, a little girl and the conversation tonight turned to her meeting the family when shes first born, from that id mentioned that i'd like DD to be raised bilingual. DP disagrees, he says we'll be living in England and that his parents speak conversational English so will be able to communicate with her that way, he thinks theres no point confusing her with two languages at home and is adamant he will not teach her. His parents so speak some English but there's still what i'd consider a language barrier there, i'd teach her myself but my Italian isn't the best. I just about get by when I'm there.

AIBU to be annoyed by this? I feel like she has this connection to this beautiful language and culture and he's denying her that.
AIBU

It's a wasted opportunity not to speak Italian to her. I'd go so far as to suggest he speaks exclusively Italian to her and you speak exclusively English to her.

Coming from a child that grew up trilingually and speaks all 3 fluently I can100% tell you it is not confusing in the slightest if that is what he is worried about I plan to raise my children in the same three languages and introduce French as soon as possible as FiL is a french teacher. It is such a gift really to speak so many languages

I was raised bilingual. No confusion, although I definitely had a dominant language whixh switched when I moved to the other country.

I was raised bilingual. My parent woke their language at home and English was reserved for school. It really screwed me over. I couldn’t speak English well until about ten which made me really shy and reluctant to speak. This made it difficult to make friends. I didn’t catch up properly linguistically until about 20. Even now my bilingualism has an effect on my speech patterns and thought formation. A lot of people who only naturally speak one language completely underestimate the profound impact that language learned at an early age has on our thoughts, emotions, thinking styles etc. Contrary to popular misconception It hasn’t helped me learn other languages at all (I’m rubbish at language acquisition). Most people I know who were raised like me have experienced similar difficulties and have been similarly held back. The only benefit is that I have a second language which I understand quite well so can experience culture in two languages (translations of books/poetry etc are often a bit crap). I also feel a wider range of emotions and can intellectualise broader concepts and in different ways. Unfortunately the language I was raised with was Russian so most of this extra is fairly depressing (I don’t mind it, I’m used to it but to native English speakers I can come across as too intense and weirdly down). Obviously this is partly cultural but wouldn’t extend this far without the language.

People often assume that being bilingual is amazing and fantastic but it’s a mixed bag as are most things in life. Unless your child shows an aptitude for languages I would not assume that raising her bilingual will be to her benefit. You have to carefully balance the value of the second language (in particular the intellectual nuance of the language) with the value of early proficiency. It’s simply not simple.

@Velveteenfruitbowl that is interesting. I am fluent in all 3 but maybe it is because I got equal use out of all 3 languages.

I forgot to add that you have to consider the extent to which the extra language will interfere with the language she will be using most. Obviously with a language like Russian the effect was quite extreme, if the language is similar to English (or whatever her main spoken language will be) then I doubt her experience would be as bad as mine.

The evidence for bilingualism resulting in improved cognitive function isn't that strong and there was a recent study in Nature human behaviour journal that disputed this. HOWEVER, I agree it would be lovely for your child to be fluent in 2 languages and to be able to communicate in your husband's home country and with his parents and relatives in their native language. If your husband isn't keen on speaking Italian at home you can't force him. Maybe think about getting your child to attend italian language classes when they are a bit older as a compromise? Or asking the grandparents if they could converse in Italian?

Velveteen - that sounds tough but that is v different to having OPOL though. In most parts of the world this would not be even up for discussion as most children grow up multilingual .

Do it. My uncle married my aunt from the Netherlands.
She always spoke to cousins in Dutch he spoke English They're now in their 20s and have found it very easy to pick up 3rd and 4th languages.
Plus Italian is taught at my ds school. What an advantage!

My Dad’s native language is French and although he did try, he found it really difficult being the only person to teach the language to me and my siblings (my Mum is English).

It made no difference to me as a child. As an adult I wish he had persisted and I was able to speak both languages, but I could of course learn the language now myself if I really wanted to.

@lovepickledlimes I’m fluent (my English is far better than most people who only speak English due to education, underlying intellect, an interest in literature etc) but fluency is different to really getting something. I know lots of people fluent is Russian/English who don’t get it. You also have to consider the way your Brian is wired (the human brain is very interesting and most nurse pathways are built rather than something we are born with). My early mural pathways were built to suit Russian but then I was forced to adopt English are my primary language. Have a think about that. I had to either force the language into pathways that were fairly unsuitable I’d create new ones and destroy some of the old ones. It was (and still is actually) like forcing a round peg through a square hole.

@Velveteenfruitbowl never had a problem with speaking to my DM in mandarin and my DF family in german while talking to friends in English but I guess I could have taken how easy it is for me for granted. It is interesting to hear it's not that easy for all and could explain why some of half Chinese or over sea chinese kids I knew were more reluctant to speak in mandarin

I am native Italian and my husband is English, we live in the UK and our 3 yo is fully bilingual. I speak Italian to her, and she speaks English to everyone else. Bilingualism does not create any confusion, my daughter would be speaking to me and saying something in Italian, then turning to her dad and switching to English while continuing the sentence. It's absolutely amazing and completely effortless for her. If you live in the UK, your child's primary language will be English anyway, but he/she will have an advantage later on learning new languages, travelling or even just being able to have an additional skill without having to work at it. As an Italian, I lived in Spain and it took me less than 4 months there to become fluent, the languages are incredibly similar and much easier for us than for English speaking people to learn. Similar situation with French and Portuguese. I am currently pregnant with my second child and we will do it all over again. So worth it!

Maybe think about getting your child to attend italian language classes when they are a bit older as a compromise? Or asking the grandparents if they could converse in Italian?
Neither of those could be enough to allow your daughter to be bilingual. You need to really understand hour husband's reluctance and get him to understand that it really could create serious problems in the future.

0abother Speech therapist here working in a very bilingual population. The bilingual kids in my school are general top set by year 1 despite coming in with no English. Plus more of the world is bilingual than not - think its 70%ish. We re the odd ones out in Britain

dh nephews were brought up in European country their parents speak 2 different dialects from their home country, the df is a fluent speaker of the country they live in - so dc went to local nursery learnt the local language, imbibed their parents 2 language dialect & than went onto a American School operating in this country & learnt American English (they also speak a bit of Korean as their df business operates in that country) they were not behind in learning languages & were always bright & articulate as children. Children are born with ability to learn any language & contrary to what people believe being bi/tri lingual doesn't hold them back - rather the opposite!

I'm raising DD to be bilingual and it's honestly really no big deal to her. She hasn't been confused at all since she started speaking (now nearly 4) and also didn't start speaking later. It's amazing to hear her rabbiting away to her Dad in one language, and then turning around and rabbiting away to me in a different one.
However, ultimately it's his decision and you can't force him to speak Italian to her unfortunately. He'll probably regret it though.
There's a lot of info on the Internet about the advantages of raising a child bilingual, if you thought that might convince him.

@Velveteenfruitbowl I do admit I would struggle to talk about science, math or any higher level school subject that goes beyond general normal discussions in german or mandarin as all my school subjects were taught in English and I studied English Literature in the UK too so really did not get any formal higher level education in either of the other two languages. I can still have intelligent discussions I just might not know all the terminology. I can follow a german political tv debate no problem lol

If his hearts not in it, then it wont happen anyway as it takes commitment on his part.
We all had plans to do OPOL but when they got to about 3, they started responding in english and my dp gave up.
Regrets it now of course, as they cant communicate very well with their french family.

It would be an incredible gift he could give them. Shame hes not on board

@smemorata it was very different. I can’t comment of how confusing olpol is of what effect is has on someone’s ability to really get a language. It’s difficult to explain, I can’t really think of a suitable. Fully realise?

Velveteenfruitbowl when you say English was reserved for school, do you mean that you didn't go to English speaking playgroup/ toddlers group/ child care/ preschool nor mix with English neighborhood children nor English speaking children of your parents English speaking friends before starting school, you didn't watch English TV or listen to English radio? Once school age you didn't socialise regularly with English speaking friends in English and go to English speaking sports or brownies or whatever your choice of extra curricular activities was?

There are obviously wrong ways to raise children bilingually and ghettoisation is the wrong way (can apply linguistically to financially well off monolingual minority language speakers who seem themselves "expats" as well as to traditional poorer migrant communities).

I have 3 bilingual children whom I speak only English to unless they have a friend over. Every single element of their lives outside the house is in German and all three spoke better high German than their peers when they started kindergarten according to their review six weeks after starting.dc1 and 2 have always done extremely well with German as a school subject and dc3's spoken German is native standard (he has some fine motor skills issues impacting his written work but that can hardly be attributed to bilingualism).

Dc1 found learning French odd because it's the first language she's learned consciously and she had always had the advantage in English at school of already just knowing the language, but she's doing well in French too. Younger children haven't had the chance to actively learn a third language yet.

There are ways of doing it, but it's absolutely a gift, as long as you do it thoughtfully, and selfish to withhold that from your children.

Hi, I am a speech therapist working in a multicultural community. I can assure you that bilingualism will not cause her ‘confusion’ or difficulties acquiring language. In fact there is research that suggests bilingual children have more flexibility of thought and earning potential than monolingual and that it may help acquire other languages as she gets older. Also most children in the world are bilingual so it’s perfectly normal to have a mixed language household.
Some speech therapy/ children’s centre services run workshops on bilingualism: perhaps you could find one for him to attend.
This may also be of interest...

literacytrust.org.uk/resources/understanding-bilingualism-early-years/

I was raised bilingual. It has been nothing but a blessing. I'm also a former EAL teacher and I have never encountered a child who has had the difficulties outlined by Velveteenfruitbowl.

It is a very unusual reaction on the part of your husband and it feels like you need to get to the bottom of why he is so ambivalent - does he not want the child to be different in a time of xenophobia? does he not want the child to be different? Does he have ambivalent feelings about Italy?

It's more of the reaction you get from a child refusing to speak the non native language - we are trying to raise a bilingual child and i've spoken to a lot of adult friends who were brought up with varying degrees to be bilingual.

The only people i know were a couple of parents who were commonwealth immigrants who thought there was more status to the children speaking English than native languages and wanted to dissasociate but you wouldn't normal associate that with Italy.

I'm kind of baffled as to why - but if you're husband is very strong willed you will have a job changing his mind.