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AIBU?

To ask those of you who have lost a parent when does Christmas feel like Christmas again?

75 replies

Notenoughbookshelves · 22/12/2019 19:07

This is the second since we lost dad and I still wish Christmas would go away.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

68 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
Dreamersandwishers · 22/12/2019 19:15

6 years for mum and 3 for dad. I was wishing for her today as I tried baking a recipe which she always made for Christmas.
Still miss them, especially mum, but now I can smile when I think of them .
💐 for you and wish you a kind Christmas.

Notenoughbookshelves · 22/12/2019 19:20

It just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

OP posts:
SureTry · 22/12/2019 19:25

This will be my third without my dad. I truly can't answer your question I just always have a deep feeling of sadness accompanied by endless questions. My most common thought is how can I ever be truly happy again? I don't think I can, I just miss him so much.

SpeckledyHen · 22/12/2019 19:25

My mum died 30 years ago and dad 19 both without any warning . Despite having my own children since then I still hate Christmas. Dad died whilst I was out buying his Christmas present and mum died before 12th Night and the decorations still up .
We just have to put on a brave face for everyone and get on with it .

Notenoughbookshelves · 22/12/2019 19:27

I will do but was kind of hoping I’d start enjoying it again.

OP posts:
Mediumred · 22/12/2019 19:28

Aww, this will be my seventh without our wonderful mum. The first year we went to my brother’s, that was where she died and it felt important to all be together, the next year we took a trip to Australia for three weeks which was amazing but also an attempt to make a new kind of Christmas.

Since then we have just stayed at home, just me, DP and DD, of course I still miss her desperately but I don’t feel it especially keenly at Christmas, we have our own mini traditions etc, I have some beautiful tree decorations and a nativity set that were hers.

I think if you have kids then you have to put on a bit of a brave face for them at Christmas and try to get in the spirit but be very kind to yourself and take a little time out of your day to raise a glass or light a candle for your dad. So sorry for your loss, it does get easier but we never stop missing them.

JaceLancs · 22/12/2019 19:29

First one for me as my Dad only died 8 weeks ago - although he had been ill for a year
It’s DM who worries me most she also has Alzheimer’s
I’m trying to do Xmas but it’s not really working

SpeckledyHen · 22/12/2019 19:29

Just as an aside. It got easier when we stopped buying presents for the adults in our families on both sides. I hated trailing around the shops buying stuff for my PIL when all I could buy for mine was flowers for their graves .

ParkheadParadise · 22/12/2019 19:33

I lost my dd 4yrs ago, my mum 2yrs ago,dad died over 20yrs ago.
I honestly hate Christmas now.
The only reason I celebrate it is because of Dd2.
Christmas and Anniversaries are hard.
This year I've found it really hard to put on a happy face.
Can't wait for January.

Pipandmum · 22/12/2019 19:33

My dad died in December but as I didn't have Christmas every year with them and had my own family it didn't change Christmas. However I lost my husband in October when the kids were quite young and that first Christmas was very hard.
Christmas is different now but that's life, I can't change it and always try to make it special for my kids even when it's just the three of us.

Notenoughbookshelves · 22/12/2019 19:34

I felt like that, then we lost fil too this year.Sad Nearly burst into tears in Waterstones when I saw the calendar I always bought dad.

Just feels like a big gap and that he’ll re appear. Seems boring without him.

OP posts:
Fr0g · 22/12/2019 19:39

My Dad died on boxing day 2014 - TBH, the last fifteen months of his life he was in and out of hospital/home/care home following a heart attack; his quality of life was very poor, and he clearly wasn't going to get better.
So, yes, Christmas brings back memories of him, possibly more so the first year, but there wasn't really any period of Christmas not feeling like Christmas.
Different for everyone I guess.

buttonup26 · 22/12/2019 19:40

I lost my lovely Dad in March and my Mum six years ago. I am not looking forward to Christmas but I will put on a brave face. It is very difficult but I know they wouldn't want me to be miserable. It does get easier as time goes on but you never forget.

ims0rrydarlin · 22/12/2019 19:45

I don’t celebrate Christmas but we have two Eids a year.

I lost my mum in 2014 and every Eid I make sure I’m working just to avoid the ‘celebration.’

Maybe when I have my own children it’ll be different as I’d want to make an effort for them.

Livelovebehappy · 22/12/2019 19:49

My dad died on xmas day so it’s always sad for us. We still all spend xmas together though as a family and toast him during the meal, and then share fond memories and stories about when he was with us. I still shed a few tears even though it’s been 10 years now. Miss him so so much. Sad

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 22/12/2019 19:52

This will be the third Christmas without my Mum (dad died long time ago) and I hate it. I've tried not to but I can't be bothered to make any effort and this will be the third year I've spent it on my own. I just want it over with. I hate December because I miss family who are dead and hate January because all my immediate family died in January, fucking January it can fuck off. I bet I die in January too, though hopefully not this one. I do perk up from March onwards, I'm not like this all year and maybe I will make an effort next Christmas.

ConstanceL · 22/12/2019 19:57

My mum died a long time ago, but my dad died in January so this is the first Christmas without him. I have moments of sadness but the edge has been taken off by it being the first year my DS really gets Christmas and he is so excited. So this is a bittersweet time. We always make sure we carry on traditions that my parents started, so even when my dad was still alive we did things that my mum instigated. It's a really hard time of year for many of us and things can never be as they were when our departed loved were with us.

percheron67 · 22/12/2019 20:00

Life is never the same when parents have gone. I still celebrate Christmas for my daughter and life goes on. Differently though.

We3kingsoforientareandabump · 22/12/2019 20:00

This will be my second Xmas without my dad and honestly I loved Xmas before and I still do.

He wouldn't want me to be miserable and I don't intend to be.

Xmas is about the dc anyway and if they're happy then so am I.

BTW i am not for one moment suggesting that everyone else is wrong this is just me.

goose1964 · 22/12/2019 20:04

My mum died 25 years ago and I still have a cry on Christmas day.

Yerbumsootthewindae · 22/12/2019 20:05

This will be the 10th Christmas without my Mum. The first few were very hard, but I love Christmas, my Mum loved Christmas and so I do enjoy it and try to carry on as she would want me to.
I do cry a lot in December - I was emotionally incontinent before she died but even more so ever since - but I try to embrace the sadness along with the happiness.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 22/12/2019 20:05

I wish there was a time machine so I could go back and have one last family Christmas with all my family when everyone was alive and we were all together. God, I'm depressing. 😄. Think it's time I pulled myself together and made a cup of tea.

paddyclampitt · 22/12/2019 20:09

I still miss my Mum and it's not the same, but I still have a happy Christmas. When she first died, my kids were v young so I guess I had no choice but to make Christmas all about them. Now as they've got older we've kind of evolved into our own traditions. My dad is still alive, thankfully. These days I just look back fondly on Christmas memories with my Mum.

Gertie75 · 22/12/2019 20:09

My Dad died suddenly 6 years ago, he wasn't ill he literally died instantly from an aneurysm, I still miss him terribly, I hate having to visit my useless in-laws and giving a present to fil and getting the kids to write Grandad in his card.

I suppose it's a bit easier than the first year but I can't see a time when it will feel normal again.

DukeChatsworth · 22/12/2019 20:11

Mums funeral was at the beginning of this month but I still love Christmas. It’s healing for me to smile and be happy again.

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