To ask those of you who have lost a parent when does Christmas feel like Christmas again?

[Notenoughbookshelves]

This is the second since we lost dad and I still wish Christmas would go away.

Kittycarne 💐💕💐

My mum died just before Christmas fourteen years ago. I think of her and miss her all the time, particularly on significant dates, but it does get better. My father and I celebrated Christmas even the year she died while we were waiting to bury her; in some ways it was a relief that her suffering was over. Life is different but it does go on. I only have happy memories of her now.

Sadly, Will never be the same again

My dad died 33 years ago, suddenly, and just before Christmas. I missed him dreadfully, but it didn't really spoil the festivities for more than a couple of years. Mum's was a lingering one, so it was more of a relief than anything. Now I'm thinking I must be dreadfully hard for not missing them more.

KittyConCarne Sorry for your loss. The pain does get better, hugely. Kind of goes and gets replaced but have to say the feelings of Christmas being boring and dead is just what I’m feeling. I’m not going round weeping but I’m just doing the minimum and feeling completely meh over the whole thing. Cant be bothered to do fun things or see people. Will see family Christmas Day and Boxing Day and go through the motions of vague traditions for the teens but that is about all the enthusiasm I can muster. I don’t feel upset that I feel like this as such but confused and yes completely meh. It’s really strange.

After about 7 years I found. Some things that helped along the way:
Buying a wee gift for my mum for Xmas. Usually it’s some of her favourite perfume. Helps doubly as if I really miss her I can go and spritz some and that helps too.
Lighting a candle for her every night in the run up to Christmas- especially if it’s a scent she would have like like sandalwood or linen.
Having a wee taste of one of her favourite Xmas treats like a Bailey’s or some Nutella. It’s usually something that wouldn’t have been my favourite but I liked well enough to share with her to keep her company.

12 years ago for my Dad, 5 for my Mum, 1 for my lovely FIL. Christmas is done for the children but I really don’t enjoy it - you learn to live with the lonelier life that’s all.

This is my 12th Christmas without mum. 1st Christmas without her the kids were 6, 4 & 8 months so i had to do Christmas. It was better than I thought it would be. Dad comes to us and stays over for the night.

I think of mum every day as my kids have lost out on so much.

My mum loved Xmas. For years after she died I also used to burst into tears over the most random things.

But now I sort of feel I owe it to her to make sure everyone enjoys Xmas. I'm the eldest sibling and now invite all the younger siblings to join us for a Xmas celebration and I have to say it has helped. Having everyone together and seeing all her grandkids enjoying themselves makes me very happy and I think to myself how happy it would have made her too.

I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas and I'll raise a glass to everyone missing a special person at their table.

This is my 10th without my mum and we first knew something was wrong with her when she couldn't speak properly on christmas day during dinner.
This is the firstyear since that the house has seen a decoration, but its just not christmas as she was the one who loved it, did the tree etc.

I still have my parents but we're not terribly close. I shall see them for a couple of hours, otherwise I shall spend from around 5 pm on Xmas Eve until New Year's Eve when I am seeing friends totally and utterly on my own. For the tenth year.

My paternal grandparents died 20 years ago but my maternal grandmother, whom I absolutely adored and who spending time with over Christmas was what Christmas was all about, died three years ago. My paternal grandfather (who was also cool) died two years ago. They made Christmas bearable.

Christmas is shit if you're long term single, almost no family and have had difficulties with Christmas since one of your closest friends died on Christmas Eve when you were 18.

It is never the same but you find a way to enjoy it.

I wake up early for a good cry before the rest of the household wakes up. Then paint on my smile.

I do enjoy it. But it is never the same.

It's three years since my mum died. I kind if focus on my ds3. It's the first year he's excited for christmas so having to throw myself into it but still having wobbles at silly things.
Sending hugs x

ShatnersWig

I'm a parent. When I die I don't want my children and grandchildren to be upset . I know they will be, and this will pop up occasionally. The biggest thing I've given them is happy memories - the time I mixed up the Christmas presents as I forgot the labels then forgot which wrapping was who's - or the time when we all got the giggles in the library and were frogmarched out like it was some sort of crime... the list goes on . These happy memories are there to boost you up on those times you feel sad . Pull out your own silly happy time memories and know that this is exactly what they are there for. And most importantly- start making your own silly happy stuff for your friends and family to remember about you.

I'm not your mum, but if I was, I'd be sending you a massive hug and a kiss and I'd remind you of that one time we giggled and giggled at something that no one else would find funny . Remember that, smile and feel the hug . X

This is our 3rd without MIL,
DP upset in 'private' although I do know hes missing her. Hes focusing on DC to try and take his mind off her not being here but I know he's struggling.
Someone once told him, the hurt will always be there, its like a sharp bit of glass. Doesn't matter how many times you sand the edges, it'll always be broken. But it's how you handle it that keeps you going.
You'll never forget OP, but just remember, if they was here they would be telling you not to be upset over them passing. (the last words his mum ever said to him was don't get het up about me, I'm fine. Continue smiling and ill see you tomorrow)

12 years. It is still tough at times but is easier than the early years were.

I do Christmas very much like my mum did - i get much joy by getting out the decorations that meant so much to her, i also still use her "best" dinner service and curtlery and keeping the traditions she did. We laugh at the memories of Christmases gone by and raise a toast over the port and cheese.

I also think starting our own little traditions helped.

This is my 11th Christmas without my mum and it's the one time I both really miss her, but also feel closest to her. I can remember her most vividly in the kitchen, apron on over her new fancy jumper dad got her for Christmas, making the dinner and sipping sherry. She always went all out - even when she was ill - to make Christmas really special and I try and do the same for my kids now.

But do you think your own parents spent many sad Christmases because their parents weren’t around any longer? Or did they enter into the Christmas spirit with you and their grandchildren? I can remember happy Christmases with all four of my grandparents but after they died my own parents still seemed to enjoy Christmas, it just became different & now my parents are late 80s themselves everyone sort of ‘moves up a generation’ IYSWIM.

jessycake

This will be my first Christmas without my dad and the we lost my mother in law on the 1st December

My father also died on 1 December. He had been ill for so long that I think I’d mourned him for most of this year during many health crises. But what will be hard will be not seeing his name on a Christmas card or birthday card. My birthday is next week. But I have every intention of making Christmas as good and fun as possible for my young adult children.

awww been 12 years for me since I lost my mum. She loved everything about Christmas so I try to continue all her little rituals. We saved a few of her old decs to and they have pride of place on our tree. Its bittersweet

This is my 4th Christmas without my Dad. He loved Christmas. We're a small family so it's very noticeable that he's not around, but we've carried on with a lot of the same traditions and still manage to enjoy ourselves, even if it's quieter now. We focus on the happy memories rather than the sad ones. My dad wouldn't want us to be sitting around moping. Everyone handles grief differently and there is no right or wrong way. We're not really a family for visiting the grave or marking anniversaries. It doesn't mean we loved him any less or that we've forgotten him. My mum always says that life is for the living and she's so right.

You won't always feel as bad as you do at the moment. It will fade over time and you'll focus more on the happy times. Hugs to you x

My mum got her diagnosis days before Christmas 2012, was in hospital in the run up to Christmad 2013 (came home Christmas Eve,best present ever!) and died June 2014. Christmas is just not the same. That, coupled with kids growing up (harder to be Christmassy when they're preteens etc), OH working most of Christmas and the continuing excessiveness our society has now become, family members getting older and poorer health, blended families etc it's just not the same anymore! We never went OTT when mum was alive but now our Christmases are pretty quiet affairs. I do prefer it that way but I am always glad when it's over for another year.

I lost my Dad last October and last Christmas was dreadful. This year is easier emotionally, but Christmas still just isn't the same without him. He was very sociable and liked a drink, where my Mum is the opposite so Christmas feels a bit flat. I try and do things a bit differently so we're not making direct comparisons with previous years. There's no time limit, and Christmas will feel right when you're ready for it to.

It is never the same, but you can work around it.

I've given up trying to get in the 'festive spirit' - always just felt like I was faking it to be honest.

I've started volunteering instead; it helps other people and it helps me too.